My kids and I were reading what has to be List of X’s funniest post yet. It’s about Ebola of course. Yes, even my ten and fourteen- year-olds hear about this stuff constantly, because it’s never too early to scare the crap out of children.
You might be wondering what Ebola is, since we never hear about it or anything. Except for every five minutes on the news. Nope, otherwise, not a PEEP. Thing is, the Ebola virus is not new. It’s been around a long time. But it didn’t affect a handful of Americans earlier so NOW IT IS IMPORTANT. We must ask, though, that people keep this in perspective and remain calm and OMG RUN IN TERROR SCREAM AND SHOUT! Fumigate! Don’t go anywhere! Certainly not Texas! (Good rule anyway, and I even live in Texas).
But since I do live in Texas, it’s even worse here. I’m about 6 hours away from Dallas, where an American recently died of Ebola and two nurses were infected. People are so panicked that they shut down the emergency room of one of hospitals here for hours because someone came in with flu symptoms. No, seriously. Turned out it was – wait for it – the flu.
Now, normally I avoid the regular news (and certainly Fox News) like the plague. I prefer to get my news from more reputable sources such as the Daily Show and blogs like List of X. They are a lot more accurate, and funnier too, in a slap yourself in the head and laugh cause otherwise you’ll be planning a mission to the moon with no helmet sort of way. But I was recently sick and had to get antibiotics then had reactions to the antibiotics that made me sicker causing me to need new antibiotics and nausea pills to counteract what they “cured” earlier, before finally they decided to take me off of all medicines because maybe it wasn’t a bacterial throat infection to begin with (I love our medical system). This necessitated going to several doctors at one clinic several times. And of course, they play Fox News. And on Fox News was info about the Ebola virus!
What better thing for sick people to watch, am I right?
At least Fox isn’t like, a fear mongering kind of news. With rabid weasel reporters who get extremely angry when the people they interview don’t get angry also. Nope, they are always fair and balanced and totally calm.
Here’s an example of one blond female reporter (shock!), who might have been pretty if her face weren’t twisted up like a Pitbull’s, interviewing a scientist they clearly didn’t screen properly before letting on the show. I’m paraphrasing some, but honestly, this is how it went.
Reporter: So I guess the government and “Big Pharma” are going to try to block new vaccines for Ebola.
Scientist: Uh, I don’t think so. I mean, they want this cured also.
Reporter: (madface – did he not read the script?) But don’t you think Obama and his people are not doing a good enough job of protecting us from the Ebola virus?
Scientist: (looks a little scared and confused) I, uh, don’t really get into politics but it seems like they’re doing everything they can at this point.
Reporter: (even more madface, foaming at the mouth possible soon) So when do you think there will be a cure? Like, say, if you started today, how long would it take for you to have a vaccine?
Scientist: (now he’s just realized she’s insane and is looking for any exit) I don’t work directly with the vaccine itself – I mean there’s no way to tell for sure anyway . .
Those scientists -what a bunch of maroons. Can’t tell you exactly how long to find a cure for Ebola? What is WITH them? Jesus turned water into wine in seconds. He totally would NOT have a problem at all solving this, if it weren’t for the liberals and gays. I’m sure this atheist, communist scientist is in cahoots with Big Pharma, Obama, and possibly the virus itself.
Obviously I don’t want to get Ebola. I also don’t want to get Diabetes, Cancer, Heart Disease, or get smushed by a semi-truck, all of which are much more likely to happen. At least the U.S. is finally doing more to help Africa, because while starving people and evil dictators who keep food from their own people are not likely to affect us Americans, a disease from the starving people can, so we better get over there and help these people by closing all their airports, ships, and any other form of transportation. Get the jet skis too, just in case. Oh, and uh, maybe do a little doctoring while you’re at it.
And, most importantly, keep your eyes and ears on the news stations so you can lie awake in fear every night. This will cause bonding with your elders who lay awake at night years earlier waiting for the nuclear bomb. So you know, it’s not all bad.
* Note: this post is chock full of satire, sarcasm, and probably multiple inaccuracies. At least I’m being honest about it. Oh and you’re probably not going to die of Ebola unless you like sharing spit. It will probably be a heart attack from all your worry about Ebola. You’re welcome. Also: don’t share spit.
If I went to a doctor’s appointment and was forced to listen to Fox News, I’d need an anticonvulsant when I was done. Or a sedative. A big one.
I certainly wanted one. Actually everyone should be given complimentary sedatives and comfy recliners while waiting for the doctor. It takes long enough.
Is it bad that I want to smack that blonde reporter in the face?
Nevermind, I don’t rightly give a shit, bwahaha.
I wanted to smack her. The one pictured wasn’t the one interviewing – she was just the moron who made a big deal out of Santa being white. This is NEWS people.
Ebola, hmmm, seems to me that’s been around quite a while. I guess when it was only infecting Africans, it wasn’t important. Lord, we are short-sighted.
Great post Alice – evry word of it true,of course, as all your posts are. I think you could make a good competitor for FOX – honest news. Bwahahaha!
Thanks, Paul! I can make up news with the best of ’em!
Apparently one of the Level Something containment facilities is at the big hospital where I live. The only thing that upsets me about that is every time they fly someone in for treatment the media turns it into a spectacle and it fucks up traffic.
No kidding. We have far too much media. 24/7 news channels? They can barely scrape up enough bodies for the 10 o’clock news. No wonder it’s all gone insane. What? A deadly disease that’s affected a handful of people! YES!!!! Let’s run that story steady stream!
This is wonderful and so accurate. My family were those people preparing for the apocalypse and collecting canned goods just in case the Earth turned into The Walking Dead. I hate watching the news, both CNN and Fox News because they ask the stupidest questions as if they are going to get a straight answer for them. It’s not the like scientist is making a pot of soup although I would have given him brownie points if he had said, “Well, it’s about a 10 minute preparation time, we boil this liquid for twenty minutes, stir for 3 minutes, making it an overall time of 33 minutes to make a vaccine for Ebola.”
I feel for you with your family – eek. Yeah, I pretty much hate all news and refuse to watch it because I like being uninformed, thanks. I love your recipe for Ebola vaccine. Don’t forget to add the cinnamon.
It’s just like Stephen King predicted in The Stand! Now only Gary Sinise can save us!
Lieutenant Daaan helllp!
What I don’t understand is why that enterovirus going around has to play second fiddle to Ebola. Not to mention flu. The ones you’re more likely to catch and die from just aren’t as sexy and exciting as the exotic virus.
It’s always the sexy diseases getting attention. I just know I’ll die of a totally unsexy disease.
Like old age.
Oh, but I so want to be an old woman so I can go bother everyone and be a jerk and people will still think I’m cute. You know, as long as I can avoid the diaper thing. Been there, done that.
Thank you for the shout out, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been commenting on your blog much lately. But that’s cause you’re in Texas, and everyone knows Texas is full of Ebola!!! But I think 21 days have passed, so I think I’ll be safe now.
Maybe. Or possibly it has spread cause those nurses got on a plane so it could be ANYWHERE, even where you live, wherever that is. No one is safe. Best to get your teeny tiny rifle and just wait in position.
And I’ve barely gotten around to blogs either. I mean to, and then – squirrel!
Well, there is now a case in NYC, which is actually closer to me than Dallas is from you, apparently. So now I’m jealous of your turtle because it has its own personal bunker.
If anything gets through, she can destroy the ebola with her salmonella.
One of the reasons Ebola is spreading so rapidly in Africa is because, well, it’s a bit warm over there. People sweat a lot, which means it’s not so easy to contain.
Maybe everyone should move to the North Pole if they’re OK, and the South Pole if they have Ebola?
We don’t want to infect the penguins, though. I love those guys. Best move the Ebola peeps to the North Pole . . .wait, then we don’t get Christmas presents. Darn it all.
What about creating a giant fridge, setting up a bunch of solar panels in the sahara to power it and then putting them in there? Then we can save the precious fossil fuels for us developed countries and our major polluting big businesses….