Funny Blog Friday: Reporting From the Front
Hi ho, this is Alice, your raving reporter, talking to you from the front lines. Well, actually I’m now safe at home with some cocoa, but I WAS at the front lines at 7 pm Black Thursday at our local Mecca. There’s no news camera to dramatically film me in my blond wig while I squish my face up in a concerned, yet attractive way, so why not report from home?
You’re making fun of me again, aren’t you Alice? Well this is IMPORTANT don’t interrupt me!
For that matter, why not SHOP from home? Yes, I realize I’ve spoken about the pitfalls of that, but I’ll tell you one thing. There are no literal pitfalls when you shop online, versus actual pitfalls if you try to shop in person. Like getting trampled by a long line of shopping carts that wraps around the store, filled mostly with stuff they could have safely bought with a click while drinking cocoa.
I’ve decided that the best way to shop on the worst shopping days of the year is to go there with nothing to buy. It also helped to not have anything to spend either. This allowed me to better observe the people. Also to better observe the employees pushing giant dollies in my direction.
This is not an actual picture of the store, but I figured it’d do. Only the best from the media, folks.
And wow, were there people. Keep in mind I waited TWO HOURS after the official sale began here, and it was still bonkers. There were people back to back with shopping carts filled to the brim for what was apparently one of maybe three lines they could check out in? I’m not sure. Anyway, there was a line of carts like a cattle drive. I wanted to say “Mooooo” but these people didn’t look very happy and some were armed with very heavy bake ware.
Mecca Customers
I did not have a cart, so I was able to weave around most of the people. A few I bumped into and politely said “excuse me” but often I did not get a response. Not a smile, not a nod, just a stiff, determined expression, like a general on his way to battle.
I love the smell of plastic in the evening.
Not all of the store was open, because apparently some of the deals didn’t start until 8 pm. A lot of rows of the store were roped off with, get this, streamers like at parties. But they were thoughtful enough to get actual policemen to guard these pathetic boundaries. Yup, law enforcement to keep people from being homicidal morons in a store right after giving thanks and breaking bread. I love my country.
Nothing’s getting past this impenetrable fortress.
Since electronics is the main draw on these shopping days, they had spread them throughout the store, thus preventing bottle necking in the actual department. Nothing like shopping for DVDs by the hamburger meat. I found a couple priced two bucks and picked them up for some reason. As if I was going to find a cash register? I think there is something wired in your brain that just commands you to grab this stuff.
I glanced at the aisles filled with cardboard containers that were rapidly emptying. By tomorrow evening, the store will look something like Atlanta after Sherman made a visit. I ended up putting down my videos. A reporter only risks so much, after all.
Mecca after Black Friday
I made my escape through lawn and garden, ironically the place where they store all the ornaments, actual Christmas trees, etc. Who cares about that stuff? There were cheap toys and bed sheets, and PJs and TVs, and I was so above that.
Unlike them, I’d already clicked for my junk. I suddenly don’t feel so bad about the whole online thing. It certainly beats the cattle drive.
This is Alice, your faithful reporter, signing off. Have a happy Black Friday. Try not to die. 🙂
I should have put this in black, right?
Oh, I almost forgot, I am thankful to two bloggers, Victoria of Angst Anarchy and H.E. Ellis of the blog, er, H.E. Ellis for sending me their signed books. Check out the links to find out more about these books. I won them, that’s right I WON, in that blog hop thing we had a while back. You should take part in that – you don’t have to shop if you win. Anyway, I was pretty stoked about the whole thing. I plan to read them soon.
No prizes today, but feel free to read the funny bloggers on this list. It’s safer than venturing out THERE.
Thanksgiving or The Totally True Story of Black Thursday
Ah, Thanksgiving. Two years ago, I did a Thanksgiving post celebrating turkey, family, and smallpox blankets. Last year, I just wrote about Black Friday, because that’s pretty much what Thanksgiving has turned into these days. But do you know how Black Friday Thanksgiving originated? Don’t bother Googling it – I didn’t – cause I have the definitive, absolutely true answer right here. Would I lie to you?*
Please don’t eat me.
Once upon a time – that’s how it starts, shut up – there was an old, grumpy executive named Scroo . . . Bill O’Reilly.** He was super bored with Thanksgiving, because why be thankful? He’d earned all that money fair and square from like, his Dad. It took him forever to kick it. Bill also hated that this holiday only involved food and no gifts. Where was the fun in that crap? Everyone had food. Well, everyone who wasn’t lazy and worked or shot deer and/or their friends during drunken hunting trips.
Nope, instead, Thanksgiving provided yet another reason for these same peons to be lazy! Businesses were expected to give them the day off to spend with family! What? Family values? Those were only for rich people. What was wrong with society?
Teddy bears, that’s what. No, wait.
So Bill devised an eeeeevil plan. He decided that he’d find some way to make people work on Thanksgiving AND buy his cheap plastic gifts to boot! With some elbow grease and a little demonic magic, he created BLACK FRIDAY. This was to be a day that a few items would be lowered in price (while others were jacked up in price and then “lowered”). People would be encouraged to buy their Christmas early at low prices! Lazy minimum wage twits would have to go into work so early in the morning, they wouldn’t be able to fully digest their ill-gotten turkeys.
It was BRILLIANT. They went for it like lemmings. Not only that, people would actually try to kill each other (and occasionally did) for some random toy that he released only a few of to make it look like it was rare. But something was STILL wrong. After all, these people still had an entire day off. So he devised another plan, after talking to Satan on his cell – he has him on speed dial – and created BLACK THURSDAY. The reasoning would be saving people from the horrible crowds on Friday.***
That was MY Elsa doll!
So there you go, folks. That was how Bill O’Reilly ruined Thanksgiving, which was normally such a happy day filled with women cooking all day long in the kitchen while their men watched football and ate Chex Mix. Extended family like aunts, uncles, grandparents, in-laws, all gathered together to bicker and snipe and give the cold shoulder and remind each other of past wrongs and complain about the food and yell at the football team for losing and shovel the children over to a table of their own to do a miniature version of the same thing.
Personally, I am totes going to boycott Black Thursday and Friday and Manic Cyber Monday because I am above all of that money grubbing nonsense and OMG they have an Ipad for HOW MUCH?
* Yes
** It might not have been Bill.
*** This is absolutely true. No, really.
Top Ten Toys for Christmas!
It’s here, you guys! It’s almost here! That day you spend with irritating people – in line waiting for some toy, most likely an electronic you could have gotten just as cheap months ago. That’s right, forget Thanksgiving, we are just days away from Black Friday, which means you gotta get with it. The stores have. Several released their Black Friday (and Thursday starting at 6pm) ads weeks ago, along with maps like we’re planning some sort of ground assault. Which we are, of course, just like the pilgrims intended.
Some of these stores, like the infamous Toys R Us, have helpfully released toy catalogs so that our children can check off half of it as what they truly, truly NEED. But you can’t get them everything, so it’s best to get them one of the following Top Ten Toys of 2014, lest they abandon you for new, cooler parents and you get to live the rest of your lives in peace I mean lonely, terribly lonely.
I’ve included links and pictures so you know I’m not making this crap up.
1. Pilgrim and Indian Barbies (Yay, history!)
Lest you think we’ve entirely forgotten Thanksgiving, here are two authentic reproductions of our original absolutely true Thanksgiving story. Cause nothing says “authentic” like Barbie.
Our first is a Pilgrim Barbie. She’s appropriately skinny, what with the starving they were doing, but I think she might be hoarding a few apples in her top. Next is our Native American Barbie sporting a silky fuschia ensemble with fringe and a huge feather (don’t forget the fringe and feathers!) and of course make-up. Just like the real Indians! Buy them for your kids, and relive history by feeding the dolls then having the Pilgrim barbie make fake treaties with the Native American barbie.
Who needs a spa when you’ve got this kid?
“Tub and Toot” doll does exactly what it says she does. She “toots” in the tub. Yup. That’s pretty much it. Because babies and farts go together like babies and projectile vomiting. I’m waiting for them to make a doll who vomits and spins her head around. Not like they can get weirder . . .
3. Baby dolls who poop lucky charms
Meet Lalapoopsy. She takes tooting a step farther.
That’s right. “Diaper Surprise”. Frankly, I do NOT ever, ever, ever want to see any sort of surprise coming out of a baby’s diaper. Not ever again. I certainly wouldn’t want to see jewelry coming out in the poop. Nor would I want to wear said jewelry again! What are they encouraging these children to do anyway? God forbid this kid have younger siblings . . . I can just imagine the fallout on that one.
Oh, by the way, there are more charm filled diapers when your kid runs out, only 8 bucks for a pack of three. No, really.
Feed me and change my poops!
Yes, this is the third baby doll here, but I’ve found them to be some of the weirdest toys on the market. And this one continues our “bodily function” theme we’ve got going. (And this is in the “girls” section guys). Just feed baby some sulfur like baby “food” (about as delicious as the real thing I’m sure) and she get green diapers. I remember changing the green slop (no charms luckily) but why would you want to do this for fun? I mean poop is not something you play with . . . wait.
5. Prank Star Poo Dough (Warning: You can’t unsee this)
OMG JUST WHYYY???
We just can’t get away from poop can we? Who needs coal in your stocking, am I right? Huh? The screen shot cut off some, but I’ll fill you in with the entire lovely description:
Make and shape your own poo! Add the Poo Dough to the mold and make your own poo-shaped creations. It includes two canisters of brown Poo Dough (in different shades) and one canister of yellow (to create corn and peanut accessories). It looks like the real thing but smells much better!
Did they just say “corn and peanut accessories”? They did. They totally did. And lest you think this is some adult toy from Spencer’s Gifts, it is actually in stores – in the kid section. That’s where my brother found it. So a big thank you to him. And here’s a real review.
Now I saw this on South Park but . . . whaaat?
6. Gooey Louie (Cause who doesn’t love boogers?)
Boogers AND brains? Sign me up!
This is what you get when you watch Disney Channel with your kids. Commercials for stuff like this. You can tell just by looking what a sophisticated game this is, but I’ll give you the description anyway.
Gooey Louie is a nose-picking good time for the whole family! When it’s your turn to play, pick Louie’s nose and pull out a gooey. But watch out! If you pull out the wrong booger, he’ll flip his lid. His eyes will pop and his brain will fly out!
Each Gooey Louie game comes with one Gooey Louie head, one jumping brain, one base, 12 gooeys, one rubber band, one die and instructions. This item is recommended for ages 4 and up. It is designed for two or more players.
A free storage bag is included.
After reading about brains popping out and boogers picked (who says you can’t pick your friend’s nose?), all I can ponder is – what is the storage bag for?
7. Chatster doll (She “interacts” in a not-at-all creepy way!)
At first I thought this was a hipster Mrs. Potato Head.
I had never heard of this doll, but the girls clued me in on it, and boy am I happy they did because I think I’m gonna have nightmares. It’s like they took a tween caricature and shoved it in a doll that is connected to your phone and can really call you. I can’t actually do it justice with a picture, so here’s the commercial. I’d almost rather have the poo maker.
8. Ugglys Electronic Monkey (for the mucus loving kid in your house)
This monkey needs some Mucinex stat.
You have my darling Things to thank for many of these. I had no idea. Just – what are they doing to our children, WHAT? This is a toy called an “uggly”. It says it right there. It’s ugly, probably has monkey plague, and it’s terrible at spelling. What ever happened to sticking good old educational Lincoln Logs up your nose, huh?
Oh, yeah, and I was just informed it can burp and fart too. Merry Christmas.
9. Doctor Dreadful Stomach Churner (exactly as described)
Mmm, kids go crazy for the yummy taste of stomach juices!
For the future serial killer, here’s a neat-o toy that lets you create organs and then eat them! Jeffrey Dahmer approved.
Also – I never want to hear “cherry colon cola” ever again.
10. Lotta Love The Elf on the Shelf Scented Bath Gift Set
There are some places the elf should not go!
Okay, the elf on the shelf has been overdone. Most people either hate it, hate it, hate it, or love creating psychological terror in children who just aren’t controlled enough by fear of a magical, invisible fat man. Nope, now the guy has a mole, and he’s in your house, watching your every move. Moving from room to room.
But now it’s gone too far. He’s in the bathroom, guys. Watching you pee and everything. Sure it’s a decal and not the actual doll (though we still get his creepy eyes on the decal, the body wash, and the soap) but STILL. I’m pretty sure it still reports back to Santa. Be afraid.
Okay, so there you have it. We’ve got dollies that fart and poop, play doh poop, fake boogers, organ eating, an electronic stalker doll, a creeper elf, and a couple of historical boobs. Your Christmas list is complete!
Enjoy, and be sure to wear extra padding for defense against the hoards. Just like Barbie.
The Princesses of Disneyland County: Disney Kids Gone Wild
Disclaimer: No dolls were bought during the making this post
Last time on the Princesses of Disneyland County, the Disney princes were left to babysit the children at Kristoff and Anna Kristoferson’s house. Unfortunately, the game was on, so like how were they supposed to pay attention? Football, people, priorities. Also, these are princes. They aren’t used to actual work. (Click to enlarge photos)
Exhibit A
The ladies came home to a bunch of crying kids and a big mess. But neither princes nor princesses wanted to deal with that fallout, so the kids were left again by the couples, this time with a babysitter, Skipper Charming. But Skipper was happier babysitting her boyfriend, Troy Beast, so the kids got a little rowdy yet again, jumping in the baby’s crib, digging in the trash, climbing in the oven, you know, the usual.
Exhibit B . . .
So what happened? Well, the Kristofersons want responsible kids, so they told the kids and their friends to clean up and left a babysitter, Skipper again because no one else volunteered, in charge. Skipper had broken up with boyfriend Troy, so surely stuff wouldn’t go quite so badly this time.
It went really, really badly.
If you’ll notice in the picture, we’ve got Sven Kristoferson spraying his brother with the Windex as Izzy Beast cheers him on, and his sister digs Mommy’s cell phone out of her purse. Mulan’s daughter practices her headstand, Windy White vacuums up everything, including Kelly Charming who takes a nap in the dust pan, while Rosie Prince plays in the trash and the puppy pees on the floor. Oh, and no one watches the baby, though at least she’s in her crib observing the chaos this time.
Also, is that Cinderella’s shoe in the sink? She can’t keep up with that thing, can she?
Anyway, it’s almost like you have to WATCH your children to get them to do anything right. But hey, someone was supposed to be watching them. Skipper Charming! Where did that girl go? Why not check downstairs?
Looks like Skipper’s found a new hobby and little Tamika Frogg is learning the ropes.
Kristoff gives him a proper goodbye while Anna scolds Skipper. They should be about as effective as her parents are.
Hey, kid, met the antlers of my reindeer yet?
So all’s well that ends well . . . no wait, that ended terribly, forget it. In case you wondered, yes we have made almost all of the dolls have children and named them all (if we can remember what we named them) as well as gave the parents last names and professions. Because we are totally creative and above the Wii, nevermind we’re currently not sure how to plug the Wii in.
We’ll introduce some of the other characters soon, like Belle who teaches little devils elementary students. It seemed appropriate that she be a teacher. Ariel has a job at Sea World, naturally, and, well we’ll reveal the others as make them up.
Hope you’re enjoying our little soap opera as much as we are. If not, too bad, because we’ve got gobs of pictures left! Bwahaha!
Spare the rod, spoil the Alice
I beat her when she sneezes, but she KEEPS DOING IT.
I have a very healthy guilt complex, and in turn a great punishment system. Whap, Alice, do not do that anymore. Bad, Alice, BAAAAD.
On the other hand, I also have that little bit of rebel in me that says “Hey MAN, you aren’t my DAD” and then does the stuff anyway.
You might realize this is a bit of a vicious cycle. When I wrote my last post, I really meant it as tongue in cheek. Yes, it’s an issue, but I haven’t spent us out of house and home, so it’s not that big of a . . .
Whap! Rationalization, Alice! Stop it!
Okay, okay! So I have an issue I must get to the bottom of presently. My recent need to overspend on stuff, vs my former need to never spend. I need to get to the bottom of this cesspool of dolly evilness. Why am I compelled to spend, then feel anxious about it? I mean I’m anxious if I don’t, and anxious if I do, so either way I’m around a mad person.
I’ll have you know, it was necessary to buy this ornament. ABSOLUTELY necessary.
There is a need here. I mean we all have needs to fill, and we all fill them with some sort of stuff, whether it’s doing yoga in a hot room till you pass out, or eating lots of CAKE, or playing Xbox games, or doing responsible stuff like eating vegetables and working and . . . shudder. So once you find the need, you no longer have to buy the stuff.
Except you don’t have to torture yourself over it either. It’s totally okay sometimes to spend. And I have stickers, peeps, stickers that show I didn’t spend every single day. Except on the stickers, cause you know . . . quit chastising meeeee!
I did realize after getting irritated at some of the responses to my “Buy it All” post that I was actually asking for forgiveness and reassurance, and annoyed when I didn’t get it. Or just annoyed that people didn’t just think it was funny. I’m sure it has something to do with past experiences and what we bring to the table. But come on, the spending song was fun!
Well, I thought it was.
Peeps not be ‘preciatin’ my gifts.
But it’s not actually your responsibility to make me feel better about myself. That’s my counselor’s responsibility. Hahahaha . . . okay, fine, it’s mine, but she does a pretty good job too. She rarely hits me with a rod, because she knows I do that too much myself. Also I probably would stop paying her.
So does this mean I am a spoiled child? Spare the rod, you know, spoil the child. What an odd saying. Like beat that kid, because if you don’t, he’ll be all like rotten fruit, all mushy, which is what the kid will be if you keep beating him with that rod. Talk about a conundrum there.
What to do, what to do? I’ll stop hitting myself with the rod for a while and wait for all of you to figure it out. I have to go shop some more at the Disney store.
THEY MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE THEY SAID IT THEMSELVES!
These guys would never lie to me.
Buy it All, Buy it All!
I have developed a slight spending problem, which is really interesting since only a month ago I could hardly spend at all. I wouldn’t let myself buy anything, especially not anything possibly considered “frivolous”. There were times I’d leave entire carts of (non-perishable) items because I couldn’t bear to spend money on them, no matter what it was, and was too depressed to go return the items where they belonged. (Sorry Mecca employees.)
Spend money. Live poorer.
Now I get my best exercise going to big chain stores like Mecca, grabbing items on clearance (they often mark things down but don’t reflect it on the sticker) and running them over to the price checker. Total thrill when it comes up cheaper. If not, or I still don’t want to buy it, I return it right where it belongs, then grab something else. Rinse, repeat. When the price checkers aren’t working, I really don’t know what to do. I don’t like having an employee scan it, because they tend to not want to stay by a pole until you return with three more items. Did I mention the Abilify med I’m on makes me restless but also extremely active? To a somewhat psychotic point?
It beats being down, though, and I love it. But there is another issue. Seems my extreme self-control has been loosened, which is not that bad, except that I really have to watch it now when I add up the amount I spent on NEEDED merchandise for my online doll series that is watched by at least three people. Or my Disney / Barbie collection in general. I used to collect expensive dolls, so spending 100 and then nothing else for a long time was no big deal. But when you do it in increments of 10, 20, 30, etc, it’s like just eating one slice of cake. Then going back for another slice. And just one more.
Caaaaaaaaaaaaake
On the plus side, not everything I want is in the stores, or at least, not at the right price. Unfortunately, there is INTERNETZ. And it’s even easier to just use your card and go CLICK and buy more stuff. Then you get packages in the mail and it’s totally like Christmas except after a while you sort of have to run home and hide the stuff so the others in your family don’t realize quite how much Christmas you are giving yourself in October and November.
But most of it I was saving for Christmas presents for my children. No, seriously, except that after a while there wasn’t much more storage space, and I had to admit that they hadn’t actually asked for a lot of it, though they’d of course like playing with it. So I’ve just started opening some of them so we could play with them now. That way Christmas is not so overwhelming. And what are toys for, but to play with? (Don’t keep them in the box! They suffocate! Have you not seen Toy Story???)
But even though I’ve never gotten us in the red, still I needed to curb the spending every day and I figured, what better way than a sticker chart? I got some stickers (Guess which kind? You will never guess.) and made it three whole days before I cracked this morning and bought this thing that had been out of stock for weeks but now it was in and if I didn’t buy it’d be gone in no time because everyone knows Mickey and Amazon have no soul.
I bet these guys would hold me accountable. I’m sorry I bought all the stuff don’t kill meeee!
My ten-year-old accountability partner will be so ashamed. I bet she gets her sticker for not having her bad habit today. Oh, well. I’m not sure why I feel worse about buying collectibles (even that sounds better than “toys”). I mean, aren’t most electronics technically toys, only with higher price tags? And who doesn’t have a smart phone or a tablet or an Xbox or something of that nature by now? Huh?
Do you guys have spending issues? If so, what is your weak spot?
I’ll get back on the spending sobriety wagon tomorrow I guess. I came up with a little ditty appropriately to the tune of “Let it Go”.
Buy it now, buy it now!!!
Let it go, Let it go
Don’t hold onto it anymore
Go ahead, spend your dough
You know you want to, oh!
Why do you care
What they’re going to say
The bank won’t foreclose
At least not until you miss some more payments . . .
I know I have medical bills
But those things are so dull
And the collectors they can’t do too much
If my wallet is now not full
It’s time for me to slow it down
To stop the spend merry-go-round
It’s okay to buy but not so much
I’m brooooke!
Only guilt, only guilt!
You spent too much you git
Oh but hey, it’s okay
Perfection’s never possible anyway . . .
Pocahontas: Alice spends too much.
Merida: Yes, but maybe she’ll buy you that hunky boyfriend.
The Frozen Effect
So what’s so special about this movie (besides the fact that it the highest grossing animated film of all time beating out Toy Story 3, and he 5th highest film period- and it’s still playing in some theaters)?
Take that, Woody.
It’s because this movie, with very small exception (those blasted trolls) is perfect. As Beauty and the Beast did for me back in the 90s, so Frozen has done for a new generation of children – it’s blasted us out of the park. The stunning animation, the incredible songs (“Let it Go” took Best Song in the Oscars), the characters, and the story – it was amazing. It’s a bit slow in the beginning, but once you hit that big musical Oscar winning number, you’re taken in. Okay, well, I was, as were my daughters, and obviously a whole lot of other people.
And that’s the answer – this was a movie that struck not just children, but adults as well. Whereas little children saw pretty princesses, older kids and adults saw their lives. You can’t help but identify with the sisters Elsa and Anna – both individually and in their relationship to each other.
And they’re just so gosh darn cute.
A brief synopsis – though this post is anything but brief – bear with me. Elsa has those magical ice powers, but she hurts her sister while playing with her powers, so the parents get a troll to heal her and then completely disregard everything he warns them about. They decide the best way to help the girl is to lock her up in her room and try to get her to suck up her feelings (tied to her enormous creative power) so she doesn’t freeze the place. Oh, and little sister Anna has her memory wiped, so has no idea why her sister has shut her completely out.
Now take away the fantasy part of it, and see if that doesn’t sound familiar in any way. I see Frozen in many ways as a metaphor for mental illness. Elsa’s parents tell her to suck up her feelings. They keep her isolated from others, for fear of her endangering them, and, I suspect, fear of embarrassment. And little sister is left outside the door, repeatedly knocking, begging, pleading for Elsa to let her in. “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” is a song that can get very irritating, but it’s important. Especially the last line, where you see both sisters, isolated from one another, slink down in despair on either side of the door.
“Do you want to build a snowman? It doesn’t have to be a snowman.”
Anna – for goodness sakes, NO I DON’T.
After the deaths of the rather controlling parents, Elsa is forced to come out to lead her people. Anna is thrilled to have her back, but she annoys the heck out of Elsa until finally she can no longer keep her feelings inside. She unleashes them on the entire kingdom, starting an eternal winter. Cursed as a witch, she is chased away from the castle, but once she’s away, she realizes suddenly that now she is free. Free to be who she is. And her song “Let it Go” resonates with me like no other song does, no matter how many times it is played.
So I’ll give you the song, along with my commentary.
“Let it Go”
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.
People with mental illness are isolated. From friends, from coworkers, from family, even from others with their illness.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried!
What happens on the outside (her enormous outburst) reflects what she has been keeping inside – a swirling storm of emotion. You can try to keep it in, but it won’t stay in forever. It didn’t for me. And heaven knows I tried.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
My parents never DID get me that Xbox.
Oh wow, this is a big one for me. Be the good girl, Alice, always be the good girl. Growing up with a brother who had enormous outbursts due to his manic depression, I felt I had to be the good one for my parents to make up for it. I tried to do whatever I was told, and when I deviated, well, I heard about it. In school I figured out early that to cry, or show emotion, could invite ridicule. My smile was made fun of – so I tried not to smile around these people. I didn’t even look up. For a long time.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know!
They tell you never to mention mental illness – especially if you ever want a job or to be taken seriously. But, eventually, people will find out. Even if you think you’re hiding it so well, you aren’t. People with any kind of sensitivity will see through the mask. I know my kids did. And when I finally admitted to it, and told others what was going on – there was a definite lift I felt. No one thus far has ridiculed me. If anything, they’ve in some way understood. So if you have a total meltdown at a dinner party, don’t worry too much.
Try not to freeze the entire country, though.
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!
A typical first reaction to spilling the beans about your illness – okay, this is me. Deal with it. I don’t care what you say. I’m running away, don’t follow.
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all!
Distance does change the scope of the problem. Staying at a mental hospital showed me I was far from the only one that was sick, and I was by far not the sickest. One of my biggest fears was going to a place like that. Well I did it, twice, so what can’t I do? What fear can’t I conquer?
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I’m free!
It’d really suck if she slipped right here . . .
Often, when you shut up your feelings, you shut up your creativity, your potential. What could you do if you weren’t hiding in your bedroom? You’re an adult now. There aren’t any real rules (except the obvious ones like paying your taxes and going to work so you get paid). Other than that, if you want to buy dolls or ponies, buy them. If you want to make a go at Broadway, try it. No more rules.
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry!
Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on!
The song is picking up now – it’s gone from sad, to more hopeful, to angrily determined. Just TRY and stop me now.
My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past!
Here is the point in the song where the animation just leaves you breathless. Elsa raises her arms and builds a castle. That’s right. She builds an entire freaking castle out of ice. All that, ALL THAT CREATIVITY, locked away inside for so long. How sad is that? But how many of us do that? And for how long?
Think how much her parents could have saved on architects by now.
Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!
You don’t have to be perfect anymore, Alice. No one is. You’re okay just as you are. Your Things, after all, told you so all along.
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!
So she’s out in the open now (well sort of, she’s still not back home), but at least she’s able to be herself in this place she’s built with creativity denied to her for most of her life. Later, when Anna comes to ask for help with the whole eternal winter thing, the song of both sisters is reprised in a beautiful duet. Anna insisting she can help her, Elsa insisting she has no idea what she’s talking about, and ending with Elsa once more lashing out, freezing her sister’s heart. Only true love can rescue Anna now.
And it does. But not from a prince. Anna sacrifices herself for Elsa, and Elsa heals her with her love. Sisterly love. So yes, this is an awesome movie. I’ve told you a lot, but not nearly all of it. If you haven’t seen it yet, please do, especially if you have a sister or are the mother of sisters. You won’t regret it.
Aw. If they watch it, maybe your daughters will quit fighting for at least five seconds.
Frozen Disney Madness
How may I bippity-boppity help you have a magical day?
Yeah, how’s about you magic up some Frozen dolls. Also one of those pumpkin carriages – STAT. By the way, I’m armed.
Generally, if anyone greeted you on the phone like that, you’d slam down the phone. Unless you happen to be calling the Disney store. And yes, they really make their unfortunate customer service reps talk that way. The first time I heard it I actually snorted, then had to remember what it was I had called about – oh yes, my slight Disney obsession.
Bad word, Disney, bad word. You are so evil, but you’re so freaking cute about it.
What has, quite possibly, trumped the Tickle-Me-Elmos and dare I say it – the Cabbage Patch Kids in the case of THE TOY YOU MUST GET THAT DOES NOT SEEM TO EXIST EXCEPT IN TEASING PICTURES?
THIS
Frozen. If you haven’t heard of this movie, I really don’t know where the heck you’ve been – under a rock? Or a troll? You’d get that if you’d seen the movie. I can’t believe you haven’t seen this movie. Do you realize that a woman actually left her husband because he didn’t like the movie? Yes she did. This is like Twilight hysteria and THE TOY hysteria combined into some big mass of insanity which normally starts with children but can quickly spread to adults.
Waiting for Frozen toys. WTF. I mean, why wait in a line when I can click.
from http://www.tampabay.com
But why? What is so freaking great about this movie that Disney has run out of merchandise faster than they can make it (and you KNOW Disney wants to make money). I have a few ideas.
First off, why do kids like it? That’s easy – there are two princesses, and one of those princesses has a sparkly dress and can shoot icicles at your eyeballs. Also, there are songs. And kids love to sing passionate Broadway-style songs until your brains start to ooze out of your ears.
Do you want to build a snowman? Hey, do you want to build a snowman? How’s about a snowman? SNOWMAN!
They also like toys of these princesses, especially the one with the power to kill people with snow cones. And they want them yesterday.
I’m gonna put this icicle where the sun don’t shine!
As far as adults go, they just want their kids to shut up already. At least at first. Then, somehow, it starts to become a challenge. Finding the elusive Elsa (she’s the icicle killer) doll, especially. By GAWD, you think, I am gonna do it if it’s the last thing I do because Disney is SO not going to beat me. And no way do you want to give in and spend 300 bucks on a plastic doll that retails at 20 bucks because a bunch of scalpers with dead alien souls bought them all up and are selling them on ebay and amazon. Nope, not gonna happen.
I just bought the entire Frozen collection, parents!
Of course, I’m fortunate in that, while my kids love this movie, they are able to understand supply and demand. Try telling that to a three-year-old. It’s not easy, but it can be done. You shout “NO YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE FROZEN STUFF!” and then lock yourself in your bedroom until the craze has passed. Easy. Believe it or not the child will not die from not getting the Frozen Elsa Deluxe Costume (retail $99.00 at the Disney Store – RETAIL at $99.00) immediately.
They do realize that this is basically a child’s nightgown, right?
Almost a year after the movie’s release, Disney is finally beginning to catch up with demand. But how did this mess even get started? In truth, Disney wasn’t actually trying to create the insane demand that your average Xbox release brings with it. The last few movies had been moderate successes, and they still had toys lying around. Ever look for a Rapunzel doll (from the last Disney movie Tangled) and you’ll find her immediately, and cheap too. They had no clue that this movie would be such an incredible blockbuster.
If I have to draw that snowman one more . . . you mean we made money? Where’s our cut, Disney, I just know there’s . . . oh, right.
But that’s not all. There is a reason, beyond the pretty princesses, and the cute, hard-to-find merchandise that can turn any parent (including me) into something akin to a drunk gambler wanting just one more hit. It’s the movie itself, and its beauty, and song, and message.
Really? All that from a Disney movie?
Yes. I’ll tell you more in The Frozen Effect, coming up next.
Note: If you can’t wait that long, copies of the next post are available for 20 dollars, no 1,000 dollars RIGHT NOW. Limited copies. ACT NOW!
Just because we have this many Frozen toys so far does not mean we have a problem. Because with a few exceptions, most of these are not authentic DISNEY STORE DOLLS. Yes, we’re just fine.
P.S. I just found Frozen designs on frozen cookies at the grocery store. WTF.
The Princesses of Disneyland County: Awkward Family Photos
We thought maybe before we went too far into this little docudollodrama we’d more properly introduce the characters. First up, there is the Frozen family – they aren’t actually Frozen, they’re just from the movie. Anna of course married Kristoff, and they had four children. Elsa, always the smarter sister, has stayed happily single.
I needed a last name for them, but since Disney never gave Kristoff one, I decided on Kristoff Kristoferson. I think it has a nice ring to it. Their eldest daughter is named Ellie, after Auntie Elsa who gives the kids sugar and then makes a break for it. The second is Sven – more on that argument later – and then Annabelle (they aren’t the most creative), and finally Kris Jr.
First we have Aunt Elsa taking a family photo. It goes just as well as these things usually do.
First pic – well, that ones’s a bit blurry, and not everyone’s looking forward. Let’s try again.
Maybe the camera needs adjusting – oops.
Well that one’s pretty good except – oh the heads. They might want those in the picture. Hang on guys, I have this.
There we go . . . darn it. Hey, I need a manicure.
Oh, oh – Kris is crawling over Dad, Sven is hitting Annabelle and Ellie – is on my phone? Hey!
What a mess. Why won’t Anna let me freeze them for just a minute?
MIght as well get a good selfie in while I’m waiting for them to get in shape. Helloooo Facebook!
A decent photo – or decent enough for Anna. Hallelujah! I’m going for a drink.
Stay tuned next time as we do more weird things with dolls continue the saga of the Housewives of Disneyland County.
The Princesses of Disneyland County – Caption Contest Results!
First off, a thank you to all of you who entered my Disney caption contest during our Funny Friday blog hop. I think it was fairly successful because I totally won like two things so far (I’ll put them down when I have a grand total, in case I get lucky again) and I never win anything. So awesome.
Anyway, as I said before, the girls and I have had fun (perhaps a little too much) posing dolls and taking pictures, though I assure you this is nowhere near as bizarre as the games we play with them. “Boyfriend in a box” comes to mind.
But this time it’s our fairy tale characters. We wanted to know what happens when the honeymoon’s over, and reality hits that no one paid the mortgage on the castle in 100 years. I’ll show you the contest pic (Pocohontas and Merida) and its winning caption in a bit, (go ahead and scroll down, I’ll wait) but first I’d like to show you what happened after the Disney princes babysat the kids. In case you forgot that post (or tried to, here’s the LINK DROP and the pic since you won’t follow the LINK DROP). Turns out they were paying more attention to football than the kids.
Dreamworks and Pixar are tied 20 to 20!
Then Belle, Cinderella, and Rapunzel come home to find the terrible mess. Belle yells at hubby, Ariel comforts her beaten up daughter, and Cinderella smacks Charming on top of the head.
The ladies were less than pleased.
Next time, the couples decide to hire a babysitter to watch the kids. Skipper comes highly recommended. Unfortunately, her boyfriend and best friend did not.
Seemed like a good idea . . .
So the kids went a wee bit wild. Yes, that IS a child sitting on the stovetop, and another encouraging a friend to crawl inside. Two of the toddlers are being pushed in the infant’s crib, while said infant crawls right out of her diaper, headed for the potty, and another kid is trapped in a high chair. One of the pre-teens gets a lesson in Dating Ed watching her babysitter, or something like that.
What will happen when Kristoff and Anna (from Frozen – if you haven’t heard of that movie by now, I really don’t know where you come from) come home to see their house a wreck? Find out next time, on The Princesses of Disneyland County.
Now on to the winning caption. It was difficult – I had many good entries. But none could beat this one, done by ravinj.
“Sorry about the hunting mishap. When you said the bears were your little brothers, I thought you meant metaphorically.”
This one made me both laugh out loud and directly related to the movies. You guys really need to get caught up on your G rated stuff. This coming from me, the one who reviewed 50 Shades. Anyway, congrats Ravin, and I’ll be sending you that fabulous signed artwork soon.
What do YOU think is going to happen next on The Princesses of Disneyland County?
aliceatwonderland 