Thanksgiving or The Totally True Story of Black Thursday

Ah, Thanksgiving.  Two years ago, I did a Thanksgiving post celebrating turkey, family, and smallpox blankets.  Last year, I just wrote about Black Friday, because that’s pretty much what Thanksgiving has turned into these days.  But do you know how Black Friday Thanksgiving originated?  Don’t bother Googling it – I didn’t – cause I have the definitive, absolutely true answer right here.  Would I lie to you?*

Please don't eat me.

Please don’t eat me.

Once upon a time – that’s how it starts, shut up – there was an old, grumpy executive named Scroo . . . Bill O’Reilly.**  He was super bored with Thanksgiving, because why be thankful?  He’d earned all that money fair and square from like, his Dad.  It took him forever to kick it.  Bill also hated that this holiday only involved food and no gifts.  Where was the fun in that crap?  Everyone had food.  Well, everyone who wasn’t lazy and worked or shot deer and/or their friends during drunken hunting trips.

Nope, instead, Thanksgiving provided yet another reason for these same peons to be lazy!  Businesses were expected to give them the day off to spend with family!  What?  Family values?  Those were only for rich people.  What was wrong with society?

bill o'reily

Teddy bears, that’s what. No, wait.

So Bill devised an eeeeevil plan.  He decided that he’d find some way to make people work on Thanksgiving AND buy his cheap plastic gifts to boot!  With some elbow grease and a little demonic magic, he created BLACK FRIDAY.  This was to be a day that a few items would be lowered in price (while others were jacked up in price and then “lowered”).  People would be encouraged to buy their Christmas early at low prices!  Lazy minimum wage twits would have to go into work so early in the morning, they wouldn’t be able to fully digest their ill-gotten turkeys.

It was BRILLIANT.  They went for it like lemmings.  Not only that, people would actually try to kill each other (and occasionally did) for some random toy that he released only a few of to make it look like it was rare.  But something was STILL wrong.  After all, these people still had an entire day off.  So he devised another plan, after talking to Satan on his cell – he has him on speed dial – and created BLACK THURSDAY.  The reasoning would be saving people from the horrible crowds on Friday.***

That was MY Elsa doll!

That was MY Elsa doll!

So there you go, folks.  That was how Bill O’Reilly ruined Thanksgiving, which was normally such a happy day filled with women cooking all day long in the kitchen while their men watched football and ate Chex Mix.  Extended family like aunts, uncles, grandparents, in-laws, all gathered together to bicker and snipe and give the cold shoulder and remind each other of past wrongs and complain about the food and yell at the football team for losing and shovel the children over to a table of their own to do a miniature version of the same thing.

Personally, I am totes going to boycott Black Thursday and Friday and Manic Cyber Monday because I am above all of that money grubbing nonsense and OMG they have an Ipad for HOW MUCH?

* Yes

** It might not have been Bill.

*** This is absolutely true.  No, really.

16 responses

  1. This post is why I think you are a brilliant writer, WT.

    1. Aw, thanks, WT! That’s why we go so well together. 🙂

  2. aaaah now I know why they named that movie “Kill Bill” it’s an allusion to remove that guy what makes all dad’s as poor as a church mouse every year :o)

    1. Yup, it’s totally Bill O’Reilly’s fault. And his elves, ie the staff of Fox News.


    Happy Tday, Alice. 🙂

    1. Same to you, GF. Are you going to risk the hoardes? I had a friend who had to work electronics and we heard over the loudspeaker “Ronald, please come to electronics right now!” Apparently a fight had broken out over a camera. Oh, humanity!

  4. LOL!!! You’re so funny, Alice! I may not know the whole connection thing with him, but you’re so funny anyway, hehe!!!


    1. There’s actually no connection with Bill except that he’s a jerk so I figured he’d fit in there the same as many at Fox News. And happy Thanksgiving to you too!

  5. Totes true. Happy Thanksgiving!

    1. It’s at least as accurate as anything on Fox. Same to you, jaded! I’m still digesting my food . . .

  6. Even though we had our Thanksgiving back in early October, our Canadian retailers have jumped on Bill’s bandwagon with gusto. Black Friday is eveywhere and now, this year they are starting with Red Thursday. Some of the grocery stores even have turkeys on special. Ratbastards. Look what you Americans have done to what was a perfectly good normal week. Sheesh. O-o

    Happy Turkey Day Alice to you and yours. 😀

    1. Americans: Corrupting everything since 1492! I was wondering how your Thanksgiving worked. Do you have a story about it? I know that there were some French guys who actually went over there and like, traded with the Native Americans and for some reason didn’t decide to take over the whole continent. At least not right away. You silly Canadians!

      1. Ha! just remember- we won the war of 1812 – you silly Americans should really be a colony of Canada! ha! I actually do have a Thanksgiving story but it is so, so sad Alice that i am not ready tp write it yet and i have no idea who might allow me to guest post it – actually come to think of it STMND might host it. Hmmm.

        Anyway, I have a new guest post out pver at Cordelia’s Mom if you’ve got the time to take a boo. 😀

  7. This year was the very first year that I went out and actually shopped on black friday. I was severely disappointed. Crappy sales, crappy stuff, and hardly ANY hoardes of people trying to kill me for some toy or another. I’ll stick to my computer from now on, thank you very much.
    I knew it was all Bill O’Reilly’s fault, I just couldn’t prove it…

    1. You can pin almost anything creepy on Bill O’Reilly. I know I do.

  8. As previously mentioned elsewhere, the fact that we get Black Friday here in the UK is really seriously twisted. And just so you know how twisted I think it is, it makes George R.R.R.R.R.R.R. Martin’s thinking look straight and unbendy and perfectly normal. (Yes, I’m reading the GOT books. No, I’m not in therapy yet. Yes, I probably will need it when I finish them.)

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