Ah, Thanksgiving. Two years ago, I did a Thanksgiving post celebrating turkey, family, and smallpox blankets. Last year, I just wrote about Black Friday, because that’s pretty much what Thanksgiving has turned into these days. But do you know how Black Friday Thanksgiving originated? Don’t bother Googling it – I didn’t – cause I have the definitive, absolutely true answer right here. Would I lie to you?*
Once upon a time – that’s how it starts, shut up – there was an old, grumpy executive named Scroo . . . Bill O’Reilly.** He was super bored with Thanksgiving, because why be thankful? He’d earned all that money fair and square from like, his Dad. It took him forever to kick it. Bill also hated that this holiday only involved food and no gifts. Where was the fun in that crap? Everyone had food. Well, everyone who wasn’t lazy and worked or shot deer and/or their friends during drunken hunting trips.
Nope, instead, Thanksgiving provided yet another reason for these same peons to be lazy! Businesses were expected to give them the day off to spend with family! What? Family values? Those were only for rich people. What was wrong with society?
So Bill devised an eeeeevil plan. He decided that he’d find some way to make people work on Thanksgiving AND buy his cheap plastic gifts to boot! With some elbow grease and a little demonic magic, he created BLACK FRIDAY. This was to be a day that a few items would be lowered in price (while others were jacked up in price and then “lowered”). People would be encouraged to buy their Christmas early at low prices! Lazy minimum wage twits would have to go into work so early in the morning, they wouldn’t be able to fully digest their ill-gotten turkeys.
It was BRILLIANT. They went for it like lemmings. Not only that, people would actually try to kill each other (and occasionally did) for some random toy that he released only a few of to make it look like it was rare. But something was STILL wrong. After all, these people still had an entire day off. So he devised another plan, after talking to Satan on his cell – he has him on speed dial – and created BLACK THURSDAY. The reasoning would be saving people from the horrible crowds on Friday.***
So there you go, folks. That was how Bill O’Reilly ruined Thanksgiving, which was normally such a happy day filled with women cooking all day long in the kitchen while their men watched football and ate Chex Mix. Extended family like aunts, uncles, grandparents, in-laws, all gathered together to bicker and snipe and give the cold shoulder and remind each other of past wrongs and complain about the food and yell at the football team for losing and shovel the children over to a table of their own to do a miniature version of the same thing.
Personally, I am totes going to boycott Black Thursday and Friday and Manic Cyber Monday because I am above all of that money grubbing nonsense and OMG they have an Ipad for HOW MUCH?
** It might not have been Bill.
*** This is absolutely true. No, really.