Funny Blog Friday: Reporting From the Front

Hi ho, this is Alice, your raving reporter, talking to you from the front lines.  Well, actually I’m now safe at home with some cocoa, but I WAS at the front lines at 7 pm Black Thursday at our local Mecca.  There’s no news camera to dramatically film me in my blond wig while I squish my face up in a concerned, yet attractive way, so why not report from home?

You're making fun of me again, aren't you Alice.  Well this is IMPORTANT don't interrupt me!

You’re making fun of me again, aren’t you Alice?  Well this is IMPORTANT don’t interrupt me!

For that matter, why not SHOP from home?  Yes, I realize I’ve spoken about the pitfalls of that, but I’ll tell you one thing.  There are no literal pitfalls when you shop online, versus actual pitfalls if you try to shop in person.  Like getting trampled by a long line of shopping carts that wraps around the store, filled mostly with stuff they could have safely bought with a click while drinking cocoa.

I’ve decided that the best way to shop on the worst shopping days of the year is to go there with nothing to buy.  It also helped to not have anything to spend either.  This allowed me to better observe the people.  Also to better observe the employees pushing giant dollies in my direction.

This is not an actual picture of the store, but I figured it'd do.  Only the best from the media, folks.

This is not an actual picture of the store, but I figured it’d do. Only the best from the media, folks.

And wow, were there people.  Keep in mind I waited TWO HOURS after the official sale began here, and it was still bonkers.  There were people back to back with shopping carts filled to the brim for what was apparently one of maybe three lines they could check out in?  I’m not sure.  Anyway, there was a line of carts like a cattle drive.  I wanted to say “Mooooo” but these people didn’t look very happy and some were armed with very heavy bake ware.

Moooooo DVDs!!!

Mecca Customers

I did not have a cart, so I was able to weave around most of the people.  A few I bumped into and politely said “excuse me” but often I did not get a response.  Not a smile, not a nod, just a stiff, determined expression, like a general on his way to battle.

I love the smell of plastic in the evening.

Not all of the store was open, because apparently some of the deals didn’t start until 8 pm.  A lot of rows of the store were roped off with, get this, streamers like at parties.  But they were thoughtful enough to get actual policemen to guard these pathetic boundaries.  Yup, law enforcement to keep people from being homicidal morons in a store right after giving thanks and breaking bread.  I love my country.

Nothing's getting past this impenetrable fortress.

Nothing’s getting past this impenetrable fortress.

Since electronics is the main draw on these shopping days, they had spread them throughout the store, thus preventing bottle necking in the actual department.  Nothing like shopping for DVDs by the hamburger meat.  I found a couple priced two bucks and picked them up for some reason.  As if I was going to find a cash register?  I think there is something wired in your brain that just commands you to grab this stuff.

I glanced at the aisles filled with cardboard containers that were rapidly emptying.  By tomorrow evening, the store will look something like Atlanta after Sherman made a visit.  I ended up putting down my videos. A reporter only risks so much, after all.

Mecca after Black Friday

Mecca after Black Friday

I made my escape through lawn and garden, ironically the place where they store all the ornaments, actual Christmas trees, etc.  Who cares about that stuff?  There were cheap toys and bed sheets, and PJs and TVs, and I was so above that.

Unlike them, I’d already clicked for my junk.  I suddenly don’t feel so bad about the whole online thing.  It certainly beats the cattle drive.

This is Alice, your faithful reporter, signing off.  Have a happy Black Friday.  Try not to die.  🙂

I should have put this in black, right?

I should have put this in black, right?

Oh, I almost forgot, I am thankful to two bloggers, Victoria of Angst Anarchy and H.E. Ellis of the blog, er, H.E. Ellis for sending me their signed books. Check out the links to find out more about these books.   I won them, that’s right I WON, in that blog hop thing we had a while back.  You should take part in that – you don’t have to shop if you win.  Anyway, I was pretty stoked about the whole thing.  I plan to read them soon.

No prizes today, but feel free to read the funny bloggers on this list.  It’s safer than venturing out THERE.

Victoria of Angst Anarchy
Jamie of Fits of Wit
H.E. Ellis of H.E. Ellis 
Jessie of Jessie Reyna
Sarah of No Cry Babies
Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks
Charly of Crazy Life
Arthur from Pouring My Art Out

 

 

 

 

 

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20 responses

  1. YEAH!! Glad you got the book! I was wondering cause I sent it super duper snail mail! Also I wrote about the same thing! Black Friday is the worst. You were incredibly brave to go into the war zone. I should try it sometime just to see what it’s like…but I’m too afraid because even the traffic is backed up and you can’t easily escape. It’s terrifying!!

    1. Traffic outside that Wal-Mart was not too bad, but I heard that the one in the nearby city had people circling and circling it looking for a spot. And those parking lots are HUGE! It must have looked like a typical morning at the university where I work.

  2. Were you embedded (I often wonder if that means sharing a bed?) with a unit Alice? Did they make you wear one of those bullet proof vests and a helmet? Did you get issued a phaser for personal protection? Your personal bravery and dedication to reporting to your rapt and huge audience is greatly appreciated. The critical information that you deliver to those of us who have the right to know is beyond measure. I, for one, shall be nominating you for an award for facing death in the line of duty in order to bring the truth to the public. Oh, did you get to ride the elevator like Barbar?

    😀

    1. Thank you for appreciating my efforts. So many in the line of duty are simply forgotten, or told, hey, you aren’t actually in the military or something so shut up. But not you!

      I wish I could have brought Babar. He has a way of clearing the aisles.

  3. Next time you should report from the mall.

    1. I’m mad, but I’m not THAT mad.

  4. Ahh hilarious!! I’m glad you survived by the way lol 🙂

    1. Me too. It was not for the faint of heart! I’d like to see that blond Fox reporter out there in the middle of it all. That would be amusing.

  5. There is absolutely nothing on this earth that could have gotten me into a Walmart on Thanksgiving. NOTHING. Although, in all fairness, I try not to ever go there anyway.

    1. Well, when it’s the only place you can go for certain things, that’s where you go in a small town. But yeah, it was nuts.

      1. I get that, and i do go there once in a great while, but a lot of their business practices suck so i spend my money elsewhere whenever possible.

        1. I get basic stuff there, but I order a lot from amazon – oh wait. They’re a freaking monopoly. Is there a place you can shop that’s not like that?

          1. In some areas there are still small, privately owned companies that sell stuff to the public. But they’re hard to find.

  6. So lame. Not your post, that was funny. Black friday. Lame. I didn’t even get to see any carnage.

    1. It’s so disappointing when that happens.

  7. I used to go out around noon on Black Friday just so I could feel I was part of The Great American Experience. Now I don’t leave my house until Monday. But not to take part in Cyber Monday – that’s too much of a cattle call, too. I’m planning to make all my gifts this year out of ear wax and dryer lint – fire starters.

    1. Call it ‘survival gear’ and sell it on Ebay. You’ll make MILLIONS!

  8. You know what’s really scary (and stupid)? We don’t have Thanksgiving here in the UK, but we’re now getting places doing Black Friday sales.

    I know. Does not compute. Out of cheese. Error. Melon. Melon. Melon.

    1. It’s nice to know that as usual we are edumacating all you lesser countries. 😉

      1. The really daft thing is that people have picked up on the whole mad dash & violence of it all too. There’s only so much education we can take, you know.

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