Monthly Archives: December, 2014

Letters to St Nick

I had absolutely no idea what to write for a Christmas post so I figured I would let you look back fondly on that year I sued Santa cause why not?  I’ve helpfully combined all the posts (a series of letters back and forth to the big guy and our attorneys) right here.  You’re welcome, and Merry Whatever.

 

Alice’s Letter to Santa

12/12/12

In five seconds this letter will explode.

From: Alice [Alice@wonderland.com]

To: Santa Claus [thebigSman@northpole.com]

Subject: My Demands

Dear Santa,

Hey you know that stuff where I said I didn’t believe in you and your stupid tiny reindeer?  Just kidding!  I think you’re totally real and that you’re going to give me lots of material crap.  That is what you do, right?  I admit I’m a little confused on the whole concept.  At four, my daughter asked to lead a prayer.  Her prayer went as follows, “Dear God.  Please ask Santa to bring me Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses.  Amen.”  I never realized you were middle management for God, Santa. I guess I could pray to your boss, but I think you’re a more direct line; and praying might be pushing it for me, as I hear your boss has lightning bolts.

My list is pretty simple this year.  I just want peace and happiness and love and joyness for everyone.  Also I want everybody to have a new purple flying Pegasus unicorn of their very own.  Pfft, not really.  I want a lot of stuff for me.  You might get me the new purple flying Pegasus unicorn, since you failed to do that back when I was a child.  This could be your chance to redeem yourself, fatty.  I mean, Santa.

There are a few things I’d like for others, but mostly because it benefits me.  First, I’d like that stupid kid to get her two front teeth, that other kid to get the darn hippo, and finally for that Santa baby twit to get all her crap so that they will all finally stop singing those songs.  I hate them.  A lot.  Can you do that Santa?  That would be swell.

Next I’d like for politicians to shut up.  I think that would be ever so wonderful.  They ought to be allowed to speak only on special occasions.  With scripts.  Prepared by normal human beings.  I’m not sure how you’re going to accomplish this.  Maybe you could import them all to the North Pole and give your poor elves a break.  Yeah, I know all about your North Pole sweat shop you got going up there, Santa.

But what material possessions would I like for me?  Glad you asked.  I would like one of those living vacuum cleaners like the Teletubbies have.  Get me a Noo-Noo.  Also a new house.  I know, you don’t have lots of houses at the shop.  That’s okay.   John McCain can’t even remember how many he has, so if you snatched one of his, he probably wouldn’t even know.  Thanks.

If you just do these simple things for me, I will not only forgive you for past wrongs; I will not report you to the government for exploiting elves.

I’ll be waiting.  Don’t mess up.  I know where you live.

Alice
 
 
Santa’s Reply
12/13/12
Hey, guys, you won’t believe this, but I totally got a response from Santa.  I think he might have been slightly perturbed by my letter.  Check it out:

I know, you're jealous.

I know, you’re jealous.

From: Santa Claus [ThebigSman@northpole.com}

To: Alice [alice@wonderland.com]

Subject: Your Letter

Alice,

My goodness, you are a RUDE little thing, aren’t you?  And here I saw a picture of this cute little girl in a pinafore and thought that I was going to get a decent letter this time.  Imagine my surprise when instead I got YOU.

You, Alice, are so not getting your Noo-Noo, or one of John McCain’s spare houses, and I’m certainly not letting you have one of my prized purple Pegasus unicorns.  Those only go to good little girls.  Good little girls do not ask Santa to steal, and they certainly do not try to blackmail Santa.  That is a no-no.  Therefore, I hate to say this Alice, but you are officially on my Naughty List.

And the Naughty List is NOT a good thing, no matter what those terrible books you’ve been reading say.  Yes, I know about those.  I see you when you’re sleeping, I know when you’re awake, and I know when you’ve been reading E.L. James.  Shame, Alice.  For shame.

I thought you should also know, Alice, that Santa unfollowed your blog.  And I defriended you on Facebook.  I do believe you are the only child Santa has ever defriended.  Very sad, Alice.  Expect coal to arrive in your inbox any time now.  Also a large pile of reindeer poop I just had my elves scoop off my front porch.

Speaking of elves, I will have you know that they are very well treated.  They do not work in a sweat shop.  It’s very cold here.  And I pay them in happiness and joy and Christmas spirit.  Do you know what Christmas spirit is, Alice?  It is not calling Santa a “fatty”, Alice.  For your information, Santa is just big boned.

If you would like to get off my Naughty List, I would suggest you start doing the following:

Pet a kitten every day.

Smile.

Stop reading 50 Shades.

Try to be nice.  Or at least pretend.

Stop blackmailing me and calling me fatty.

Sincerely,

Santa Claus

P.S. I haven’t been able to find Rudolf lately.  That wouldn’t have anything to do with you, would it?

 

More Fun with Santa

12/14/12

That Santa is messing with the wrong girl.  I decided to send him a friendly-type reminder via email.

 

From: Alice the Terminator [alice@wonderland.com]

To: Santa Jerk [ThebigSman@northpole.com]

Subject: What blinks red and poops glitter?

Santa  Fatty,

Forgot to mention one little thing.  Ding ding.  That’s the sound of a reindeer harness.  I have the best new flashlight ever.  Also, a great lawn ornament.  The most realistic on my block.  Just sayin’.

Ooh, look, and here’s a picture:

Feelin' lucky, Santa?

Feelin’ lucky, Santa?

Looking forward to my Noo-Noo.  Hint, hint.

Alice

P.S. It was way too easy to hack into your Facebook, Santa.  “Ho, ho, ho” is a really lame password.  Anyway, you are now friends with E.L. James.  F.Y.I.

 

Santa Strikes Back

12/15/12

Wow, I am really enjoying these exchanges with old St. Nick.  That’s what I love about WordPress.  The community aspect.  Hey, lookie, I got another email.

From: Santa is NOT a fatty [ThebigSman@northpole.com]

To: Naughty Alice [alice@wonderland.com]

Subject: Santa is getting a little angry now

Dear Alice,

There is no end to your depravity, is there?  I sent a SWAT team of elves out to fetch my poor reindeer.  Instead of Rudolf, what do I get?  A pony with a bulb strapped to his nose.  A depressed pony at that.  Where is Rudolf?

I am not fooled by this, Alice.

I am not fooled by this, Alice.

If I don’t get my reindeer back soon, there will be no one to drive my sleigh.  Then how will anybody get presents?  You know, the deserving children that don’t steal and blackmail and kidnap innocent reindeer.  Think about it.

Santa

P.S.   Santa has nukes.  F.Y.I.

 

Suing Santa

12/16/12

Well, this was getting out of hand, so I figured I needed some representation, STAT!  Fortunately Thing One offered some advice as well as the help of her firm.

(In other words, part of this post was Thing One’s idea.)

From: The Law Offices of Thing One, Thing Two, Sad Pony, & Squirrel

To: Mr. Santa Edward Claus

c/c: Reindeer Incident

Dear Mr. Claus:

We refer to the incident involving the alleged kidnapping of one Rudolf Reindeer on the night of December 12, 2012.  Our client respectfully has no idea what you are talking about.  Said reindeer simply followed her home one day and our fellow attorney Sad Pony was there taking notes for the upcoming court case.  Our client consents to returning said reindeer, but requires back payment of Christmas Presents for the last thirty or so years in return.

Don't let this happen to you, Santa

Don’t let this happen to you, Santa

It has also come to our attention that you have a nuclear factory located within 50 miles of your workshop.  This is against North Pole code, and has possibly resulted in the glowing red nose of said reindeer as well as the various mutations found in some of your elves.  It would be in your best interest to cease and desist operating your factory, before more legal action is taken against you.

Sincerely,

Thing One

Thing One, Thing Two, Sad Pony, & Squirrel, LLC

 

A Letter to Santa From his Attorney

12/17/12

Today I am proud to announce my very first guest blogger, Ravin from Ravin’s Rantings.  Ravin has been my friend since I was just a 12 year old slightly deranged person.  We are a tad older now, but she is still here – and now on my blog!  Her firm is representing Santa, but it doesn’t look good for him, you guyz.  Check it out: 

Dear Mr. Claus,

I was alarmed and saddened to hear of the recent situation you face with Alice. We here at Elf Law are of course at your service. I must, however, advise you to settle out with Alice, for several reasons.

First, a lawsuit would not go well. The bad publicity would threaten your endorsement contracts with Coca-Cola and retailers.

Secondly, while I am aware that you have declared the North Pole a sovereign nation and yourself Absolute Dictator for Immortal Life, Russia and Norway would likely dispute your claim. Further, the North Pole Code took over five hundred years to develop in its modern form through careful negotiation between you and the native population of Elves. You already have a dubious track record with indigenous people:

If word of the nuclear power plant violation of the North Pole Code got out, The Elves Local #1 would strike, and force you to source new workers and move your workshop off-planet. Child labor trafficking isn’t as cheap as it was in the 50′s, Santa. You really don’t want to go there. You already have a criminal record, need I remind you?

I think it is also pertinent to remind you what happened the last time you allowed a feud with a mortal to escalate.

And it is no shock that Rudolph ran away. It’s entirely possible Rudolph is in cahoots with this Alice person.

Remember, he's done it before.

Remember, he’s done it before.

In conclusion, the next time you have a dispute with a mortal, I suggest you call our office immediately, before taking actions that may be grounds for an emotional distress tort claim. Unfriending her and unfollowing her were reasonable decisions. Taunting and provoking a clearly unstable person by mentioning that you had done so may have gone beyond the bounds.

Had you simply cross-referenced her against our records, you would have found that you were under no obligation to respond to her letter or deliver anything to her, as your contract requires only delivery to minor children and she is an adult, pinafore notwithstanding. Additionally, Wonderland is outside our delivery area because of the undue hazard of entering the jurisdiction of the Red Queen and the relative lack of mortal children there.

However, given the mess you have made of the situation, taking her offer of an exchange in an alternative delivery location would be the prudent action at this time.

Sincerely,

Raven Elf,

Elf Law, L.L.C.

 

Well, after that exchange, you’d think I’d have gotten everything I wanted.  This is not the case.  Still waiting.  Good luck to you, and Happy Holidays to yours and Fox News.

Alice

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Even More Totally Appropriate Christmas Present Ideas!

The big day is looming ever closer.  But there’s still time to waste your money on stupid stuff bring joy to the ones you love!  A good way to do that is to model for your children.  Let them have baby dolls that actually poop and vomit in order to prepare for a late parenthood, for instance.  But there’s so much more we can train up our children in, and why not use Christmas presents to do it?

In case you didn't think this was IMPORTANT I found this in the play doh section on amazon.  No, really.

In case you didn’t think this was IMPORTANT!!! I found this in the play doh section on amazon. No, really.

1. Model good eating habits!

Well, I don’t know about you, but this is pretty close to how I cook.  I give my kids fast food in order to show them that they shouldn’t eat fast food cause BAD.  Here’s  a way to further reinforce this idea, using burgers and fries made out of play-doh.  So like the real thing it’s scary!

Making play doh into food is a good way to discourage eating play doh!

Once your kids eat a few of these burgers, they’ll be turned off fast food for good!

2. Prepare them for future careers – like terrorist.

Practicing on your siblings is a good first step.

Practicing on your siblings is a good first step.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize that kids are gonna play cops and robbers and all that.  It’s mostly harmless.  I’ve used water guns and nerf guns and I haven’t gone rogue yet.  But this – this is a bit of overkill . . . er, um, a bit much that is.  Do we really need to train them to be snipers when they can just join Cobra or something?  But hey, don’t forget the grenades.

They actually tick and make BOOM sounds.  Is it bad I want some?

They actually tick and make BOOM sounds. Is it bad I kinda want some?

3. Be like Daddy – smoke like a chimney!

I actually remember eating these things.

I actually remember eating these things.

Hey, Daddy smokes and turns his lungs to carbon, but it’s not really appropriate to give your kids real cigarettes till at least 3rd grade.  So what to do until then?  Candy cigarettes, that’s what!  I had them as a kid – I have no idea why.  They were awful, like those heart shaped Valentine candies from Hell.  But we ate them anyway cause sugar!

What really gets me is the bizarre nostalgia in these real comments:

candy-cig-review-1

That certainly does sound festive.   Did he just say “beef byproduct”?

candy cig review 2

You mean they used to make candy cigs that blew freaking smoke? I was robbed.

4. Teach your children about political activism – from the crib

It’s never too early to teach infants about the rest of the world!  They need to learn early about politics and the environment and controversial issues – preferably while still in those land-fill increasing Pampers.  Here are some examples.  Give one to your kid, or even better, a misguided friend’s kid!

I find Dora to be pushing the feminist agenda.

No TV for me.  Entertain me 24 hours a day, please!

For the baby who is just plain TIRED of those biased children’s shows on TV these days.  That Dora with her communist agenda, or Bubble Guppies and their constant Pro-Life messages.  And what about that tree-hugging one with the sloth?  Is it still on, cause I think that could make you want to burn down a rain forest, that is unless . . .

Pave paradise, sew a onesie.

Pave paradise, sew a onesie.

Sorry, baby, we totally ruined the environment before you got here.  Enjoy the acid rain.  Just make sure you vote right!

They make me cry too.

They make me cry too.

Aw, how sweet.  They have this available in “Democrats make me cry” too, for all the conservative babies out there.  I think it’s great.  Now my baby will be an automatic political detector, so I know who to avoid at parties.

conservative baby

Like this baby. Otherwise known as future hippie.

Maybe we should wait till kids are older to make them decide their opinions . . . pffft, nevermind!  Moving on to my favorite.

5.  Booze like Barbie!

There are a lot of people who get onto Barbie for projecting a bad body image with her giant bazooms.  But people, you had no idea.  Barbie also likes to knock down a few before going home to the Dreamhouse.  Observe:

Now Barbie can get drunk at her own bar!

Now Barbie can get drunk at her own bar!

This isn’t a joke.  It’s really a toy you can buy – for Barbie.  I found it on Amazon.  But that’s not all!  You can also buy this accessory.

What's a bar without the hooch?

What’s a bar without the hooch?

I’m so glad they made this stuff for our impressionable kids.  I can just see it – junior wearing his future Green Party shirt while smoking a candy cigarette and aiming at his little sister who is having her Barbie dolls get wasted.

Once again, I love my country.  Now get out there, soldiers, and get those presents!  Kids won’t manipulate themselves!

I think this shirt is a winner.

I think this shirt is a winner.

WMD, ISIS, XMAS, and YOLO

“No more time for last minute shoppin’

It’s time to face your final destiny!”

                             –  “Christmas at Ground Zero” by Weird Al Yankovic

 

Maybe there’s something wrong with me.  Okay, definitely there is.  But I don’t worry so much about weapons of mass destruction (especially the non-existent ones) or terrorist groups (that the media decide to name after an Egyptian goddess despite the terrorist group not liking that name.)  I worry about more immediate things.  Here’s a quick list:

Also myself and I.

Also myself and I.

Yeah that was pretty quick and SO SELFISH, I know!  But here’s the thing, if I don’t look after myself, I can’t look after anything else.  Such as:

Family

Job

Food

Bills, bills, bills

And more bills!

And more bills!

Etc.  It’s not just me, though, this applies to everybody.  Until people can get their basic needs met, there’s no way to meet the needs of others.  Right now we act as a police state.  That gets a lot of people mad at us, especially in that place called the Middle East.  Our own country is a mess, yet we go to pluck the splinter out of the eye of the other guy, knowing that as soon as we leave, they will go right back to fighting about what they have fought about since before Jesus was born.

Guys, guys.  Stop fighting.  Have a muffin.

Guys, guys. Stop fighting. Have a muffin.

But what about the innocents?  We’re killing them right now.  So either way, it’s not good.  Especially since we aren’t taking care of our own people.  If you don’t have a job, or enough to eat, or medical care, or a place to live, you aren’t able to go out and make a difference with someone else.  Not easily anyway.  So I had this really odd proposition.  How’s about the government take care of us first, so we can ALL try to take care of others?

I know, I know, it makes too much sense.  But there’s no use just blaming the President.  There’s also Congress, the Senate, lobbyists, local representatives, people who don’t vote, and people who vote for really stupid people.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

The list goes on and on.  Voting is something we can still do, even when we’re poor (as long as we can keep certain people from trying to prevent it).  Yet even then, we’re stuck voting for who?  The only ones well-off enough to concern themselves with something other than basic needs, and who have probably been that way long enough to have forgotten about not having those needs met.

Back to square one.  Take care of self.  When you are ill, this becomes especially important.  Try to stay sane.  This is a big one on my list.  A good way to do that is to not worry about things we cannot control.  I can’t control what terrorist groups do, or what weapons they make.  If one does make a nuke, and they nuke us, well then our problems are pretty much over, right?  What’s tough is the day to day stuff.

Internet Heirachy of Needs

Oh, I forgot Internet needs.

I have a friend who is extremely worried about these things, and no wonder, because the media feeds on fear mongering.  Someone’s head getting chopped off is so much more entertaining than talking about someone purposely committing a crime so he can get food, shelter, and medical care in jail.  But I don’t watch the news.  I read funny blogs, and I watch Jon Stewart, because that’s something I can control.  I can laugh.

You're probably gonna die soon.  Merry Christmas!

You’re probably gonna die soon. Merry Christmas!

Is it dark humor?  Oh, yes, often so.  And there are plenty of people who would be offended at it.  Like the song I quoted at the beginning.  How dare you make fun of getting bombed, Alice?  I say it’s better that than sitting around wondering when it will happen.  Also, the song is filled with so much delightful irony (the happy music mixed in with air raid sirens, the happy lyrics mixed in with words of doom).  The girls and I love it and we listen to it while decorating the tree, or driving to school.  I find it very festive.

No, no, no, you decorate the tree, stupid.

No, no, no, you decorate the tree, stupid.

Because right now I am not worried about WMDs, or ISIS and the like.  I’m thinking about Christmas – because You Only Live Once.  If I’m gonna get blown to smithereens, I’ll be safe in the knowledge that at least I edged people out for that last Frozen doll.

Here’s the video to Christmas at Ground Zero.  You can’t help but sing along!

More Christmas Ideas Disney Style!

Christmas is almost here (again) and I know you guys want to do better than last year when at the last minute you gave everyone corn dogs from 7-11.  So I’ve compiled another list of Christmas toys to make your shopping easier.  I even got them all from one store, the most wholesome, magical one on earth – the Disney Store!  Maybe these toys aren’t the best – I mean it’s hard to beat hammers, tacks, and whips that crack – but here goes.

1. Yoda Tracheotomy

Quit, Chewie, the Heimlich!

Quick, Chewie, the Heimlich!

Poor Yoda.  This is what happens when you steal lights from people and try to eat them.  You didn’t have to go that far to convince Luke you were nuts.  I’m not sure the purpose of this toy.  I mean, you can have a flashlight, or you can have a yoda doll . . . the reason for combining the two is lost on me.  Use the force, shove stuff down your throat . . . yeah I’m not getting it.  Oh and remember, this is sold by the Disney Store who has shockingly already capitalized on their recent acquisition bwahahahahaha.

2. Frozen Brain Storage

Anna wasn't using those brains anyway.

Anna wasn’t using those brains anyway.

I’ve seen these little purse things around for a while, and I’ve never understood them.  I mean, sure, they’re cute and all until you realize you are shoving your change into an empty doll skull – or possibly a completely disemboweled doll in this case, I’m not for sure.  She looks so blindly happy about it, despite having no brains or nose.  Also there’s a strange flap of skin on the left side of her face. Is that an ear?  Part of her hair?  I’m not sure, but Disney, really, remember these are kids here!

3. Decaying flesh pins

This is what you want to wear to that formal dinner party.

This is what you want to wear to that formal dinner party.

That’s right!  When you think evil, creepy Sith Lord, you obviously ask yourself – hey, how can I wear that guy on my shirt?  Well, Disney, once again, has the answer for you.  It’s the Emperor Palpatine pin!  Put it on your Star Wars tie and watch the chicks line up!  And vomit.  But wait, there’s more!

What a charming face!

What a charming face!

I’m not sure which of these guys would win the ugly award, so why not just wear them both and let others decide by number of people running away from you and / or asking for your number at a comic convention.

4. Pound of hairy flesh

What happens when Chewbacca has a wax done.

What happens when Chewbacca has a wax done.

Keeping with the fleshy organ removal theme, here is yet another Star Wars offering.  A Chewbacca journal!  If you’ll remember, Chewbacca is that walking carpet that randomly makes howly noises in the movies.  I bet he made a really loud howly noise when his hair was ripped off of him and for what?  A journal cover?  Are you happy, children?  Well, ARE YOU?

5. Frozen Radioactive Girl

When Elsa lets it go, try to wear a lead apron.

When Elsa lets it go, try to wear a lead apron.

Here’s the very popular Elsa singing doll, singing the well known “It’s all about the base”.  Or possibly it’s all about the arms, since by the looks of it, she has dipped her arms in some sort of nuclear waste and is now glowing.  I remember the part where she sings, but I fail to remember the part where her arms start glowing in the dark.  I guess Disney thought it’d be a nice touch.  Anna also glows – in the chest area, which is more concerning.  Adding to the fun, they are motion activated, so walk past one and this happens.  I think these two better head to the nearest Arendale hospital STAT.

6. Ozzie and Harriet PJs

The plaid, the plaid . . .

The plaid, the plaid . . .

You know what they say, the family that wears matching Mickey Mouse PJs together . . . is freaking weird.  I predict at least one of these kids is growing up to be an ax murderer.  Oh, sure, some people think it’s cute for everyone to match, and I mean everyone, even Dad isn’t spared.  And this is for bedtime, not a one-time only picture.  On the plus side, I guess they don’t have to wear it out of the house, but they do have to wear it every night.  Every single night.  One day those manically happy parents will regret it when they wake up to a little voice saying “NO MORE MICKEY . . .”

7. Snowman Stalkers

Move over elf, there's a new stalker in town.

Move over elf, there’s a new stalker in town.

You know how the Elf on the Shelf has been terrifying kids for years with his ever watchful beady little eyes?  Well, guess what?  Frozen is cashing in on that psychological torture with a stalking snowman!  I don’t know about you, but I think the snowman scares me even more than the elf, what with him offering “warm hugs”, then hiding and peeping at you and reporting back to – Santa?  Or the snow queen herself?  We’re in big trouble guys.  Say your prayers or someone gets frozen tonight.

Imagine this guy watching your every move.

Imagine this guy watching your every move.

8. Castle Freaking-Kidding-Me

What a bargain!

What a bargain!

Okay, enough of the gross, let’s move onto the beautiful.  And this actual castle, located in London, England would certainly make a nice summer home . . . wait, what?  It’s . . . a 20 inch sculpture?  As in no one can live in it, not even a Cinderella doll, but it costs 37,500 dollars????  That’s more than my first house.  WTF.  Oh, but hey, it’s got 28,255 Swarovski® crystals.  Less than 3 weeks till Christmas, start saving now!  Limited edition of 50 people they think might actually buy this!

9. Pile O’ Severed Heads

Bring out yer heads . . .

Off with their heads!

Something dreadful has happened in a little cottage deep in the wood.  We never knew the Evil Queen had it in her, but word from the forest animals is she was passing by not long before this grisly scene was discovered.  That’s right – Snow White and all seven dwarves, heads sliced from their bodies!  Not sure what the queen did with their bodies.  Maybe she put Snow’s on display for the heck of it.  Good luck, Prince Charming.

10. Nightmare on Sesame Street

Sure it says Olaf . . .

(muffled) Hellllp Meeeee.

I know it looks like I’m picking yet another Frozen toy, but look closer.  It’s supposed to be the snowman, mouth removed and straw stuck in his brain.  Yet I think he looks an awful lot like this guy:

Bert from Sesame Street!

Bert from Sesame Street!

The resemblance is just too uncanny.  You’ll notice Bert looks very concerned about this latest development.  I bet Ernie was behind it.  Imagine, your best buddy, chopping your head at the mouth and sucking your brain out through a straw.  I think I’d want a little time apart after that one.

Okay, so there’s 10 fabulous gifts you can get for your little monsters this Christmas.  No, don’t thank me.  Thank the mouse.  That . . . freaking . . . . mouse.  Look out it’s little Timmy!