Christmas is almost here (again) and I know you guys want to do better than last year when at the last minute you gave everyone corn dogs from 7-11. So I’ve compiled another list of Christmas toys to make your shopping easier. I even got them all from one store, the most wholesome, magical one on earth – the Disney Store! Maybe these toys aren’t the best – I mean it’s hard to beat hammers, tacks, and whips that crack – but here goes.
1. Yoda Tracheotomy
Poor Yoda. This is what happens when you steal lights from people and try to eat them. You didn’t have to go that far to convince Luke you were nuts. I’m not sure the purpose of this toy. I mean, you can have a flashlight, or you can have a yoda doll . . . the reason for combining the two is lost on me. Use the force, shove stuff down your throat . . . yeah I’m not getting it. Oh and remember, this is sold by the Disney Store who has shockingly already capitalized on their recent acquisition bwahahahahaha.
2. Frozen Brain Storage
I’ve seen these little purse things around for a while, and I’ve never understood them. I mean, sure, they’re cute and all until you realize you are shoving your change into an empty doll skull – or possibly a completely disemboweled doll in this case, I’m not for sure. She looks so blindly happy about it, despite having no brains or nose. Also there’s a strange flap of skin on the left side of her face. Is that an ear? Part of her hair? I’m not sure, but Disney, really, remember these are kids here!
3. Decaying flesh pins
That’s right! When you think evil, creepy Sith Lord, you obviously ask yourself – hey, how can I wear that guy on my shirt? Well, Disney, once again, has the answer for you. It’s the Emperor Palpatine pin! Put it on your Star Wars tie and watch the chicks line up! And vomit. But wait, there’s more!
I’m not sure which of these guys would win the ugly award, so why not just wear them both and let others decide by number of people running away from you and / or asking for your number at a comic convention.
4. Pound of hairy flesh
Keeping with the fleshy organ removal theme, here is yet another Star Wars offering. A Chewbacca journal! If you’ll remember, Chewbacca is that walking carpet that randomly makes howly noises in the movies. I bet he made a really loud howly noise when his hair was ripped off of him and for what? A journal cover? Are you happy, children? Well, ARE YOU?
5. Frozen Radioactive Girl
Here’s the very popular Elsa singing doll, singing the well known “It’s all about the base”. Or possibly it’s all about the arms, since by the looks of it, she has dipped her arms in some sort of nuclear waste and is now glowing. I remember the part where she sings, but I fail to remember the part where her arms start glowing in the dark. I guess Disney thought it’d be a nice touch. Anna also glows – in the chest area, which is more concerning. Adding to the fun, they are motion activated, so walk past one and this happens. I think these two better head to the nearest Arendale hospital STAT.
6. Ozzie and Harriet PJs
You know what they say, the family that wears matching Mickey Mouse PJs together . . . is freaking weird. I predict at least one of these kids is growing up to be an ax murderer. Oh, sure, some people think it’s cute for everyone to match, and I mean everyone, even Dad isn’t spared. And this is for bedtime, not a one-time only picture. On the plus side, I guess they don’t have to wear it out of the house, but they do have to wear it every night. Every single night. One day those manically happy parents will regret it when they wake up to a little voice saying “NO MORE MICKEY . . .”
7. Snowman Stalkers
You know how the Elf on the Shelf has been terrifying kids for years with his ever watchful beady little eyes? Well, guess what? Frozen is cashing in on that psychological torture with a stalking snowman! I don’t know about you, but I think the snowman scares me even more than the elf, what with him offering “warm hugs”, then hiding and peeping at you and reporting back to – Santa? Or the snow queen herself? We’re in big trouble guys. Say your prayers or someone gets frozen tonight.
8. Castle Freaking-Kidding-Me
Okay, enough of the gross, let’s move onto the beautiful. And this actual castle, located in London, England would certainly make a nice summer home . . . wait, what? It’s . . . a 20 inch sculpture? As in no one can live in it, not even a Cinderella doll, but it costs 37,500 dollars???? That’s more than my first house. WTF. Oh, but hey, it’s got 28,255 Swarovski® crystals. Less than 3 weeks till Christmas, start saving now! Limited edition of 50 people they think might actually buy this!
9. Pile O’ Severed Heads
Something dreadful has happened in a little cottage deep in the wood. We never knew the Evil Queen had it in her, but word from the forest animals is she was passing by not long before this grisly scene was discovered. That’s right – Snow White and all seven dwarves, heads sliced from their bodies! Not sure what the queen did with their bodies. Maybe she put Snow’s on display for the heck of it. Good luck, Prince Charming.
10. Nightmare on Sesame Street
I know it looks like I’m picking yet another Frozen toy, but look closer. It’s supposed to be the snowman, mouth removed and straw stuck in his brain. Yet I think he looks an awful lot like this guy:
The resemblance is just too uncanny. You’ll notice Bert looks very concerned about this latest development. I bet Ernie was behind it. Imagine, your best buddy, chopping your head at the mouth and sucking your brain out through a straw. I think I’d want a little time apart after that one.
Okay, so there’s 10 fabulous gifts you can get for your little monsters this Christmas. No, don’t thank me. Thank the mouse. That . . . freaking . . . . mouse. Look out it’s little Timmy!