More Christmas Ideas Disney Style!

Christmas is almost here (again) and I know you guys want to do better than last year when at the last minute you gave everyone corn dogs from 7-11.  So I’ve compiled another list of Christmas toys to make your shopping easier.  I even got them all from one store, the most wholesome, magical one on earth – the Disney Store!  Maybe these toys aren’t the best – I mean it’s hard to beat hammers, tacks, and whips that crack – but here goes.

1. Yoda Tracheotomy

Quit, Chewie, the Heimlich!

Quick, Chewie, the Heimlich!

Poor Yoda.  This is what happens when you steal lights from people and try to eat them.  You didn’t have to go that far to convince Luke you were nuts.  I’m not sure the purpose of this toy.  I mean, you can have a flashlight, or you can have a yoda doll . . . the reason for combining the two is lost on me.  Use the force, shove stuff down your throat . . . yeah I’m not getting it.  Oh and remember, this is sold by the Disney Store who has shockingly already capitalized on their recent acquisition bwahahahahaha.

2. Frozen Brain Storage

Anna wasn't using those brains anyway.

Anna wasn’t using those brains anyway.

I’ve seen these little purse things around for a while, and I’ve never understood them.  I mean, sure, they’re cute and all until you realize you are shoving your change into an empty doll skull – or possibly a completely disemboweled doll in this case, I’m not for sure.  She looks so blindly happy about it, despite having no brains or nose.  Also there’s a strange flap of skin on the left side of her face. Is that an ear?  Part of her hair?  I’m not sure, but Disney, really, remember these are kids here!

3. Decaying flesh pins

This is what you want to wear to that formal dinner party.

This is what you want to wear to that formal dinner party.

That’s right!  When you think evil, creepy Sith Lord, you obviously ask yourself – hey, how can I wear that guy on my shirt?  Well, Disney, once again, has the answer for you.  It’s the Emperor Palpatine pin!  Put it on your Star Wars tie and watch the chicks line up!  And vomit.  But wait, there’s more!

What a charming face!

What a charming face!

I’m not sure which of these guys would win the ugly award, so why not just wear them both and let others decide by number of people running away from you and / or asking for your number at a comic convention.

4. Pound of hairy flesh

What happens when Chewbacca has a wax done.

What happens when Chewbacca has a wax done.

Keeping with the fleshy organ removal theme, here is yet another Star Wars offering.  A Chewbacca journal!  If you’ll remember, Chewbacca is that walking carpet that randomly makes howly noises in the movies.  I bet he made a really loud howly noise when his hair was ripped off of him and for what?  A journal cover?  Are you happy, children?  Well, ARE YOU?

5. Frozen Radioactive Girl

When Elsa lets it go, try to wear a lead apron.

When Elsa lets it go, try to wear a lead apron.

Here’s the very popular Elsa singing doll, singing the well known “It’s all about the base”.  Or possibly it’s all about the arms, since by the looks of it, she has dipped her arms in some sort of nuclear waste and is now glowing.  I remember the part where she sings, but I fail to remember the part where her arms start glowing in the dark.  I guess Disney thought it’d be a nice touch.  Anna also glows – in the chest area, which is more concerning.  Adding to the fun, they are motion activated, so walk past one and this happens.  I think these two better head to the nearest Arendale hospital STAT.

6. Ozzie and Harriet PJs

The plaid, the plaid . . .

The plaid, the plaid . . .

You know what they say, the family that wears matching Mickey Mouse PJs together . . . is freaking weird.  I predict at least one of these kids is growing up to be an ax murderer.  Oh, sure, some people think it’s cute for everyone to match, and I mean everyone, even Dad isn’t spared.  And this is for bedtime, not a one-time only picture.  On the plus side, I guess they don’t have to wear it out of the house, but they do have to wear it every night.  Every single night.  One day those manically happy parents will regret it when they wake up to a little voice saying “NO MORE MICKEY . . .”

7. Snowman Stalkers

Move over elf, there's a new stalker in town.

Move over elf, there’s a new stalker in town.

You know how the Elf on the Shelf has been terrifying kids for years with his ever watchful beady little eyes?  Well, guess what?  Frozen is cashing in on that psychological torture with a stalking snowman!  I don’t know about you, but I think the snowman scares me even more than the elf, what with him offering “warm hugs”, then hiding and peeping at you and reporting back to – Santa?  Or the snow queen herself?  We’re in big trouble guys.  Say your prayers or someone gets frozen tonight.

Imagine this guy watching your every move.

Imagine this guy watching your every move.

8. Castle Freaking-Kidding-Me

What a bargain!

What a bargain!

Okay, enough of the gross, let’s move onto the beautiful.  And this actual castle, located in London, England would certainly make a nice summer home . . . wait, what?  It’s . . . a 20 inch sculpture?  As in no one can live in it, not even a Cinderella doll, but it costs 37,500 dollars????  That’s more than my first house.  WTF.  Oh, but hey, it’s got 28,255 Swarovski® crystals.  Less than 3 weeks till Christmas, start saving now!  Limited edition of 50 people they think might actually buy this!

9. Pile O’ Severed Heads

Bring out yer heads . . .

Off with their heads!

Something dreadful has happened in a little cottage deep in the wood.  We never knew the Evil Queen had it in her, but word from the forest animals is she was passing by not long before this grisly scene was discovered.  That’s right – Snow White and all seven dwarves, heads sliced from their bodies!  Not sure what the queen did with their bodies.  Maybe she put Snow’s on display for the heck of it.  Good luck, Prince Charming.

10. Nightmare on Sesame Street

Sure it says Olaf . . .

(muffled) Hellllp Meeeee.

I know it looks like I’m picking yet another Frozen toy, but look closer.  It’s supposed to be the snowman, mouth removed and straw stuck in his brain.  Yet I think he looks an awful lot like this guy:

Bert from Sesame Street!

Bert from Sesame Street!

The resemblance is just too uncanny.  You’ll notice Bert looks very concerned about this latest development.  I bet Ernie was behind it.  Imagine, your best buddy, chopping your head at the mouth and sucking your brain out through a straw.  I think I’d want a little time apart after that one.

Okay, so there’s 10 fabulous gifts you can get for your little monsters this Christmas.  No, don’t thank me.  Thank the mouse.  That . . . freaking . . . . mouse.  Look out it’s little Timmy!

19 responses

  1. the yoda flashlight looks scary I think I would get nightmares :o) … wow the castle is a super gift… probably made for Vicky Beckham’s kids or if you are literally ARRIBA :o)

    1. Oh, no kidding. Or – who was it whose baby got a solid gold rattle? I think it was Brangelina’s. Imagine how fun that would be to shake, or whack into your head.

  2. I must have those heads….great post WT.

    1. They are fascinating. I especially like the way they stack up like cord wood.

  3. You had me at “Yoda Tracheotomy.” Too funny. As for pajama family? Um, yeah, you won’t find that in my household. (Not a shocker considering I have two teenage boys…) 🙂

    1. I only have one guy, and there is no way you’d get my husband into pajamas like that. I used to dress the girls up in matching or coordinating outfits when they were little, but they soon talked me out of that one. The whole matching pj family . . . it’s like that family on the cover of the old Life Games – you know, the Stepfords.

  4. Thanks for the nightmares…

    1. You’re welcome. Remember, don’t put the flashlight that far into your mouth, it’s dangerous.

  5. I actually bought one of those for my kids… Maybe one of the tamer ones? Oh wait, a stalker must not be tame

    1. Olaf? It’s hard to tell his motives, but at least they don’t have a decal of him that hangs in the bathroom.

      I’ve bought a lot of weird stuff for my kids, as evidenced by their weirdness.

  6. Yoda sucks. I’d never buy his flashlight. As for glowing Elsa, I assume the glow indicates that she’s using her powers or something. Don’t people’s arms glow when they use super powers?

    1. I never looked that closely at them, but I always thought if anything it was their hands that might glow, or something. It was hard to see around the “BAM” and “WHACK” signs that popped up.

  7. My daughter would kill any of us and step over our cold, lifeless bodies for a singing Elsa doll. My son doesn’t care what’s in Yoda’s mouth, he loves Yoda just the same.

    1. Same with my kids! My youngest (10 year old) has a stuffed Yoda doll that she drags around everywhere – he’s huge too. I have no idea how she manages to smuggle him into school (her backpack is tiny) but she does it. Then she gets the teacher who loves Yoda and wants him to sit at her desk. I would have had to call my mom or something. Lucky brat. 🙂

  8. Some of those are the things of nightmares Alice. Along the same vein, I happened to see a scene from America’s Funniest Home Videos the other day that woudl fit right in here if you want to torture an 5 year old. What looked like a regular sized snowman was sitting on the front snow-covered lawn of a residential home. As a group of youg kids walked by the Snowman (which was apparently a grown-up in a costume) jumped to his feet and started running after the kids. The poor little buggers ran screaming in every direction – except one that the Snowman caught and wrestled to the ground. Dear God, i panicked just watching on TV , I’m sure the little one passed out from fear. Merry Christmas?

    1. Can you imagine the aftereffects? Absolute terror from snowmen. Frozen makes them freak the heck out and bash the TV. Yeah, I think the guy should pay the childrens’ therapy bills for years to come. They said he came to life one dayyyyyy!

      If it had been frat brothers, now then it would have been funny.

  9. Thank goodness I’ve come to this post in January!! 😉

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