The Cold Does Bother Me Anyway

Things were going well.  I wasn’t sick all the time.  There were birds twittering in the trees and crap.

Then came . . . THE COLD.  And the birds froze and died and fell out of the trees.  Not really, they got the heck out of here, but I can’t because I live here.  I live in Texas, so it’s not as bad as Yankee weather.  I don’t understand how anyone can live up north without sacrificing themselves to a snow plow.  My father had a sophisticated term for this type of cold.  “Colder than a well-digger’s butt in Idaho”.  That is the ultimate in cold, though I have never been to Idaho, met a well-digger, or taken the temperature of his butt.

That's pretty darn cold right there.

My scientific chart

Let it snow, let it snow, MAKE IT STOP.  I hate that song, and the White Christmas song, and I hate snow.  Also ice.  And cold, did I mention that?  Partly I hate cold because it makes my lungs have seizures or something and then refuse to come out and play.  So it’s hard to breathe and I get sick easier.  This is partly why I haven’t posted in a while.  I am sorry about that.  You can go on living happily now.

I went to the doctor, but he said I just have a cold that has lasted since last Wednesday.  A cold – from the cold.  How nice.  This cold cold has stuffed up both my nostrils and my brain.  I can’t the think straight.  Thinking is not needed to write on my blog.  It is needed to work, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do about that.  I have to write a short bio on former slave Frederick Douglass for our exhibit.  This is what I have so far:

It's off to a good start.

It’s off to a good start.

Where was I?  Oh, yeah, the cold.  Did you know there are people who actually like this weather?  I knew one guy who did, and it’s a good thing he lived elsewhere cause this makes me angry.  Know what else does?  Elsa.  That’s right, the freaking snow queen from Disney’s Frozen.  I used to like her but now I’m starting to think she’s kind of a jerk.  Prancing around in a flimsy dress while everyone else freezes to death.  Real nice, Elsa.

Wheeee, snow!  Ice!  Car wrecks!  Pneumonia!

Wheeee, snow! Ice! Car wrecks! Pneumonia!

So I’m supposed to end this blog post with a kick or something.  But I got nothing but rambling.  So here were go.

Frederick Douglass

He lived.  It was cold.  He died.

The End

 

-Alice

 

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34 responses

  1. I hate snow too… and the imagination of “dashing through the snow” sounds like a threat to me :o) It’s awful to have a frostbitten face and to look as red as the butt of a baboon and to drive to snow is like a punishment… where is the spring?

    1. Yes, dashing through the snow is not fun, though you do it when it’s super cold. YOu have to be careful though. I fell on my butt a few days back on the one piece of ice they hadn’t salted at work. OW.

      Is there a cream for baboon butt face?

  2. I love the snow because here in England we are completely unequipped to cope with it and the country shuts down for a few days (it never usually lasts longer than a week unless you live in Scotland). That means that lots of us get a day or two off and I go out and have fun taking pictures of the snow-covered park. However, if I had to deal with it for weeks at a time I would get frustrated – i don’t like the cold and the novelty would soon wear off… I’m also in the lucky position where i can turn up the heating a little and be able to afford the bill afterwards, but I know that there are so many who aren’t as lucky. We try and donate sleeping bags and warm clothes to local shelters during periods of extreme cold and snow…

    Great post – hope you’re feeling better!

    1. That’s so cool that you donate the warm stuff to the shelters! I would love to visit England but I hear you have lots of rain instead of snow. We could use rain down here, but not everyday.

      I LOVE snow days. I’m still like a five year old when I see that the university and schools are closed for the day. Wheeeeee!

      1. Oh yes it rains… a lot. Not good for the hair – I spent most of my year looking either like a half drowned dog or a frizz monster…

  3. I hate winter. Why am I living in Maine? Also, Elsa–yes, the biggest jerk of all time. Hope you feel better.

    1. Do you ever see Stephen King up there? I hear he likes Maine a whole bunch. And yeah, I’m totally tracking that Elsa – she’s going down.

  4. I guess it’s not gonna lighten your mood by stating that our office aircon is not having a lot of success keeping us cool from the scorching, wonderful, hot sun we have down here in South Africa.

    You do have my sympathy, as I also hate the cold. But what is snow?

    1. Snow is the devil’s dandruff. Usually I hate scorching heat and I’ll complain about it when we get there, but right now I’d love some. Second degree burns please!

  5. I spent my early years with snowmobile enthusiasts. They live for snow. All they talk about is snow, not only how much but the type of snow. They forced me to buy an ugly one piece snowmobile suit which looked good on me then because I was young and thin and I used it years later when my kids forced me to take them sledding, but other than that I hated it and hated snowmobiles and the people who snowmobile and most of all snow, especially because snow leads to “snow days” cancellations of the days that mothers love (all the days in the school year.) So, I hate Elsa too. And Frosty. And the abominable snowman, and even snow globes and most of all Winter.

    1. I love this comment. You are of my people.

  6. I share your feelings about the cold. Today I’m facing a day with temps in the teens, and there is a blanket of white everywhere. Needless to say, I’ve never had the desire to take a ski vacation.

    1. I’ve never understood skiing. Here, strap on these boards to your feet and slide down this cliff! Thanks, I think I’ll just stay here with my cocoa. Seen too much Sport Goofy to try that!

  7. I hope your cold goes away. Ick. I don’t mind the cold. It needs respect, like any extreme element. Driving in the snow is the SUCK.

    Veggie soup might help if you like it. Lots of vitamins. Hope you feel better.

    1. I will totally respect winter when it starts respecting my lungs. And the roads. I do take vitamins – maybe I should take more. I could down an entire bottle of those gummy bear ones. Seriously, thank you for your concern. Hopefully this, and the accompanying depression, will pass soon. I might try the soup.

  8. I’ve had that cold for going on 3 weeks now. And it was -4 this morning on the ride to work. You should totally come visit. 😉

    1. Sounds great. We can make groaning sounds together. I salute you for making it to work today.

  9. You’re going to hate me, but I like snow. I don’t even mind shoveling it, because I tend to skip gym a lot, so having to get my car out of the snow forces me to exercise.
    I don’t even mind the cold temperatures so much as long it stays above single digits Fahrenheit – and I’m sure this would be much colder than well-digger butt, unless he already froze to death. The trick is to not follow Elsa for the winter clothing choices.

    1. Dear X
      Please come shovel my snow, then sit on said shovel. 😀 Just kidding.
      Alice

      PS: D’oh here I’d been wearing strapless evening gowns all this time! Will definitely add a fur wrap.

      1. I will gladly come and shovel the snow if you pay for my plane ticket. Unfortunately, I can’t promise to get there quickly enough because of the snow delays.

  10. I live in Vermont – a place people think is cold all the time, but it’s not! It also doesn’t snow all the time either. Yes, we do have our “cold snaps”, and we are having one today (high of 9 for today) – but tomorrow it will be 24 and feel downright balmy! Then on Sunday it’s supposed to be 39! 39 in the winter is glorious. It feels like it’s 60. The way we northerners cope with all the cold and snow is that we know we have 4 seasons. This too shall pass. And although I HATE to drive in the snow when it’s bad, there is nothing like the feeling of being outside at night during a snowstorm. Everything is so still and quiet. (Please don’t throw anything at me!) Feel better soon Alice!

    1. Our weather is bipolar – as in it can’t figure out what season it is. You can have days that are up in the 60s and the next day drop down below freezing. Then go back again. Wee. I was spoiled with our unusually pleasant fall and now I’m struck with WINTER. I just hate everything about it – being trapped indoors, the icy roads, the chill in my bones, respiratory illness – unless it snows REALLY bad and then we get a day off from work and school and suddenly winter is AWESOME at least for a day.

  11. Douglass lived in the South, so I’m guessing it wasn’t actually that cold for him.

    1. He kinda had to move North to escape that whole slavery thing.

        1. True. My bets are on his preferring the cold up North.

  12. I like: It’s colder than a Witch’s tit in a brass brassiere. HAHA!! It really is that cold where I live. I was in Florida for a week and it got to be like 45-50 there and people were freezing their tits off. But when I got home it was in the negatives at night and below freezing during the day. Now that’s balmy. But I don’t like it. Mostly cause driving in the snow sucks. I don’t mind the cold too much except that everything gets extremely dry and gross, i.e. my skin, all of it. The sleeping is pretty good though when it’s cold. You might slip right off into hypothermia, so that’s ideal.

    1. Hypothermia’s sounding pretty good right now. I wish I could be “freezing” in that 50 degree weather in Florida. Except then you live in a swamp and have to shower three times a day. Is there no place that is 70 degrees every single day? HUH?

      1. I hear hell is pretty warm. Like every day, consistently. Might be the right fit?! HA!!

        1. Well, the devil’s girlfriend would know! 😀

  13. I visited Texas once and had to hurry home to cool off. ha! My friend says we have 10 months of winter and 2 months of hard sledding up here but it’s not quite that bad. It really is all in how you dress Alice. we have Perfected the stylish wardrobe for men and women that acually keeps one warm. And besides, the cold adds to the enjoyment of sex: more clothes to take off = more foreplay (makes strip poker games last longer – a game that is way too short in Texas ) and it keeps couples closer together (even in bed) if for no other reason than to stay warm.

    Oh, I do have to agree about the skiing – bring on the hot toddies at the lodge, let the other fools play in the snow. 😀

  14. Well, if it’s any consolation, though I don’t see how it can be for you, I’ve been nursing a sore throat since December, brought mostly on by fatigue, lack of sleep, voice abuse, and prolonged by the cold weather. Thankfully, it seems to be leaving. I can now sing with a correct tune, at least.

    Get better soon, Alice!!!

  15. I’m going to go ahead and apologize in advance because I love the snow. I love the peacefulness of fat flakes falling all around you and waking up to a winter wonderland. It’s quite romantic! I also love snow days because for one day (or more) you get to pretend that you don’t have anything to do or anywhere to be. It’s a day to make homemade cookies, drink hot chocolate and watch daytime tv…or loads of children’s movies, depending on your situation. lol! All the kids and I lounge around in our jammies and take the day totally off!

  16. I’m with you on this. Love the song, love the film, but when it’s cold give me central heating, a roaring open fire, blankets, duvets, onesies, and an endless supply of hot chocolate. I’m still getting over a cold that started on Christmas Eve, so I fully sympathise.

    Unfortunately, I live in a castle. Where there are about four central heating systems, all set to different temperatures, not a lot of double glazing, plenty of draughts and a number of spaces where there is no heating at all. When we finally get the new Priory built, I’m going to order a case of Champagne to celebrate. (Well, maybe I’ll just go for Lambrini – most of the Sisters probably won’t know the difference…)

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