Hullo, Alice here. I have been ripped out of my seclusion because I just had to tell you about the most romantical movie ever made, so romantical they of course had to release it on Valentine’s Day! Before I begin, I must warn you that this post is not fit for children, dogs, or respectable human beings.
Are they gone? Great, it’s just us. Naturally, the movie I am referring to this:
That’s right, folks! Just when you thought it had crawled under the sewer grates of the world to die, it has returned! 50 Shades of Crap – er Grey! I was going to put in one of the posters from the movie there, but even WordPress for some reason refused to let me do it – three times in a row. I guess even they have standards.
Of course the movie producers could have saved time by just doing this:
I’m not sure why they didn’t just get Kstew and Rputz or whatever their names are to star in this one. Everyone knows their careers are pretty much in the toilet after those Twilight movies. But then again, a number of actors ran from this movie, so maybe they finally wisened up too.
Anyhoo, you might be wondering if I went to see this great feat of sinamatography (spelling intended). I refuse to spend that much money to sit in a theater and watch this, especially considering I would spend the first 15 minutes either heckling it or snoring, and would soon be thrown out. Will I get it on video? Oh, you know I will, if only so I can answer some of those deep down, burning, throbbing questions. For instance:
1. The tampon scene
If you haven’t read the books, you can check out my review of said chapter, or try to forget I ever mentioned it. Suffice it to say, I really want to know how they pull that one off, er, um, fit it into an R rated movie. Personally, I think they should have aimed for XXX or even ZZZ.
2. Christian introducing Ana to his “manhood”.
I just have to see if they include that, and how the actors manage to keep from falling out of the bathtub laughing.
3. Christian’s lobby
There better be a buttload of sandstone there, or I will be sorely disappointed.
Speaking of buttload, there must be buttplugs. A whole drawer full of ’em. Maybe some will be shaped like Mickey Mouse or something. They should go all out (and in) on this.
5. The way Christian’s pants hang.
Just how DO they hang? From his hips showing his underoos like Marky Mark? Maybe they hang from his nipples? The world must know.
6. The emails
Will we be treated to that heart-stopping typing action with all its vomit-inducing cutesy-ness? I can’t wait.
7. The sex scenes
I will not accept these scenes as authentic unless Ana says “Oh Jeez” at least once, and makes lots of pirate noises (argggh).
8. The bicycle incident
Early in the book Ana is almost hit by a van er I mean a bicycle. I think they should get Lance Armstrong to guest star. It’s not like he could fall that much farther.
9. Christian’s long fingers
I’m hoping they add on some appendages, kind of like Edward Scissorhands, only not as subtle.
10. Ana’s multiple personalities
Will we hear all of Ana’s thoughts rattling around in that empty head as voice-overs, or will they get actual people to play her subconscious and inner goddess? I expect pom poms.
And that’s just the START of my questions. Now there is a chance the movies will be better than the books. Like Twilight, I really can’t imagine them being worse. I can think of a few suggestions to make things a little more interesting. For instance, instead of tying Ana to a cross, Christian could tie her to that wheel from The Price Is Right, spin her around, and attempt to mate with her (or the board) while it spins. If they time it right, they could win the Showcase Showdown.
I guess I’ll never know for sure unless I actually watch it, but guessing is half the fun. So I ask you readers, did any of you go to see this piece of . . . movie history? Do you have any guesses about what it will be like? Or are you, like most sane people, in denial that the book or anything like it ever took place? Let me know in the comments below!