50 Shades of Valentines

Hullo, Alice here.  I have been ripped out of my seclusion because I just had to tell you about the most romantical movie ever made, so romantical they of course had to release it on Valentine’s Day!  Before I begin, I must warn you that this post is not fit for children, dogs, or respectable human beings.

Are they gone?  Great, it’s just us.  Naturally, the movie I am referring to this:

Note that Christian is the one with mussy red hair and a bat and Ana is the one with the vacant expression

Note that Christian is the one with mussy red hair and a bat and Ana is the one with the vacant expression.

That’s right, folks!  Just when you thought it had crawled under the sewer grates of the world to die, it has returned!  50 Shades of Crap – er Grey!  I was going to put in one of the posters from the movie there, but even WordPress for some reason refused to let me do it – three times in a row.  I guess even they have standards.

Of course the movie producers could have saved time by just doing this:

The totally original movie!

The totally original movie!

I’m not sure why they didn’t just get Kstew and Rputz or whatever their names are to star in this one.  Everyone knows their careers are pretty much in the toilet after those Twilight movies.  But then again, a number of actors ran from this movie, so maybe they finally wisened up too.

Anyhoo, you might be wondering if I went to see this great feat of sinamatography (spelling intended).  I refuse to spend that much money to sit in a theater and watch this, especially considering I would spend the first 15 minutes either heckling it or snoring, and would soon be thrown out.  Will I get it on video?  Oh, you know I will, if only so I can answer some of those deep down, burning, throbbing questions.  For instance:

1. The tampon scene

If you haven’t read the books, you can check out my review of said chapter, or try to forget I ever mentioned it.  Suffice it to say, I really want to know how they pull that one off, er, um, fit it into an R rated movie.  Personally, I think they should have aimed for XXX or even ZZZ.

2. Christian introducing Ana to his “manhood”.

I just have to see if they include that, and how the actors manage to keep from falling out of the bathtub laughing.

3. Christian’s lobby

There better be a buttload of sandstone there, or I will be sorely disappointed.

4. Buttplugs

Speaking of buttload, there must be buttplugs. A whole drawer full of ’em.  Maybe some will be shaped like Mickey Mouse or something.  They should go all out (and in) on this.

5. The way Christian’s pants hang.

Just how DO they hang?  From his hips showing his underoos like Marky Mark?  Maybe they hang from his nipples?  The world must know.

6. The emails

Will we be treated to that heart-stopping typing action with all its vomit-inducing cutesy-ness?  I can’t wait.

7. The sex scenes

I will not accept these scenes as authentic unless Ana says “Oh Jeez” at least once, and makes lots of pirate noises (argggh).

8. The bicycle incident

Early in the book Ana is almost hit by a van er I mean a bicycle.  I think they should get Lance Armstrong to guest star.  It’s not like he could fall that much farther.

9. Christian’s long fingers

I’m hoping they add on some appendages, kind of like Edward Scissorhands, only not as subtle.

10. Ana’s multiple personalities

Will we hear all of Ana’s thoughts rattling around in that empty head as voice-overs, or will they get actual people to play her subconscious and inner goddess?  I expect pom poms.

And that’s just the START of my questions.  Now there is a chance the movies will be better than the books.  Like Twilight, I really can’t imagine them being worse.  I can think of a few suggestions to make things a little more interesting.  For instance, instead of tying Ana to a cross, Christian could tie her to that wheel from The Price Is Right, spin her around, and attempt to mate with her (or the board) while it spins.  If they time it right, they could win the Showcase Showdown.

I guess I’ll never know for sure unless I actually watch it, but guessing is half the fun.  So I ask you readers, did any of you go to see this piece of . . . movie history?  Do you have any guesses about what it will be like?  Or are you, like most sane people, in denial that the book or anything like it ever took place?  Let me know in the comments below!




40 responses

  1. I saw in tv that some girls slept in front of the ticket booth to see this cineastic gem…. think I rather spend my money for some stylish rain boots as long as the sky is in 50 shades of grey mode here too :o)

    1. Slept in front of the ticket booth . . . wow they really wanted to see Ana slapped. Granted I’d like that too, but only if Christian is also slapped. Repeatedly.

      1. … if someone would slap E.L. James … I would buy a ticket too :o)

  2. There has to be something to keep everyone busy. Even those who are at the far ends of the Bell Curve.

    1. Movie goooood. Not that I can say much considering I’ll be stupid enough to watch it too. Curiosity killed the blogger.

  3. Nope. Not even the tampon part will entice me to read the books or see the movie(s?). Funny post though.

    1. I hear they did not include said scene in the movie. I am SO disappointed. Talk about leaving out a pivotal scene!

  4. Holy raunchy hell, I am TOTALLY not seeing this piece of shit now!

    1. But how else will you get your “down there” hummin’ again?

  5. What about those ass balls? Is that the proper word? I hope they show her walking around with those things up her caboose, like in the book. I only read the first one, I really wanted to whip the shit out of Ana, but not in a sexy-time kinda way.

    1. That would be hilarious. She could wobble around like a gazelle wandering through traffic – wait, that’s how Ana always looks. I have to say the actors are spot on – he looks like a wooden asshat, and she has that patented vacant stare.

  6. At some point I’ll have to read this “book”, but have no idea if I could sit through a movie of it! I’d probably get thrown out for laughing like a hyena! 🙂

    1. I so hope they keep E.L. James’ original dialogue, especially during the “erotic” scenes. Oh, Jeez, Oh Double Crap, arghhhhh!

  7. I can’t wait for you movie review since that’s as close as I’ll get to seeing this movie.

    1. It should be interesting. I get a tingling in my “down there” just thinking about it. Wait, that’s just hemorrhoids.

  8. My only regret at not ever, ever, in all of my life, world without end, reading that book or watching that movie is that the really funny cracks about it are something of a mystery to me. But I assume you nailed it.

    1. The entire book series is a mystery to me, and I supposedly read them all.

  9. This is everything. I cringe every time someone tells me this is “such an amazing book.” Don’t forget about the fact that Ana can’t do math either.
    Excerpt: “So am I number seventeen?”
    He frowns at me not comprehending.
    “Number of women you’ve, um…had sex with.”
    His lips quirk up, his eyes shining with incredulity.
    “Not exactly.”
    “You said fifteen.” My confusion is obvious.

    I want to see this movie just for a good laugh. My friend called it the Comedy of 2015.

    1. Did you get a chance to see it yet? I’ve been staring at the DVD considering whether I have enough brain cells left to risk it.

      1. I did end up seeing it! It was still horrible but not as horrible as the book. It will be a good laugh for you!

  10. I’m still bum-fuzzled that this movie is considered romance. Nothing says romantic movie like a girl who lets a guy hurt her so he won’t leave.

    1. But she heals him with her vagina, er, love!

  11. I am sad to say that I have seen this gloriously wonderful piece of crap…. I mean cinematic history… Went on Valentines day. Drug the husband along with me.

    The tampon thing did not make it. The ball things that go up her hoo-hoo or butt or whatever didn’t make it. The no panties at his parents dinner made it. But the sex in the pool house did not. Mia and Ethan hardly make an appearance. I think they are in a total of three scenes. Both of them put together. She does vomit. He is sexy naked. But it’s basically a skinamax movie. Sooooooo watch HBO at like 3 in the morning and you’ll be set. Oh and the emails don’t really show up either. A couple of them and they are text boxes at the side of the screen. So there ya go. Did I ruin it for anyone?

    1. But your movie poster is quite accurate!

    2. No tampon or balls up the hoo-ha? Double crap, they’re leavin’ out all the good stuff!

    3. I’m guessing that the most disappointing part of the movie wasn’t the scenes that weren’t included the movie, but the all the other scenes that were.

  12. Alice, I agree with saving your money. Although a part of me would love to go in habit to see this just to see what people’s reactions would be (but I know that the community would not approve of this action, so I won’t be doing that).

    I’ve just seen this link via the wonders of Facebook: http://www.bonbonbreak.com/letter-children-fifty-shades-grey/ and it actually supports everything you’ve said about the books (although in a rather more serious tone).

    1. OMG that would be so incredibly awesome if you were to wear your habit to 50 Shades. You could sit right in the middle and give disapproving stares to everyone. Hahahaha. I know you wouldn’t do it, but the fact that you thought of it is hilarious. It gives me a little faith, Faith! 🙂

      1. I think I’m always going to think of the most inappropriate thing to do in habit and consider if it is worth doing!

  13. AHAHAHA…maybe they hang from his nipples. HAAAA!! I hear they left that scandalous tampon scene out. I don’t even know what I’m talking about because I haven’t read the book. Also I can’t understand why people go so wild about crap. Like true crap. I hear the dialog in the books is just atrocious. So how is that sexy? I don’t care if they add in some whips/chains/duct tape/tie wraps or whatever, that doesn’t make it sexy. That stuff is not sexy anyway. And nothing can make stupid dialog sexy. I wish someone could explain to me the fascination. It makes me feel like humanity is doomed. Is that too harsh? Also I’ve always loved your dramatic readings of this book. CLASSIC!! Instant classic and should sell better than the actual book. Maybe you should publish it?! DO IT!!!

    1. Thanks for the praise, it makes the loss of key brain cells worth it. I can’t explain a book that one second makes you furious at its dangerous ideas (I can love an abuser until he’s all betters!) and the next has you laughing – during a sex scene. But there’s something about a story or film that is both bad, yet takes itself so seriously. The humor writes itself!

      1. The thing I don’t get is that SOME people honestly don’t see it as humorous?! What is wrong with them???

    2. “It makes me feel like humanity is doomed. Is that too harsh?”

      Naaah! The Trump got elected, So your were basically right.

  14. I’m still not planning to see it even if it’s basically an X-rated movie. 🙂

    1. They do have lists in the books. Lots of them. They are much more boring, though.

  15. this is hilarious hahaha. I made a post about 50 Shades of Anna’s Face, I mean, Grey, but never really finished the book. Thanks for rekindling my interest I might try to finish the book this time to personally witness the scenes you have enumerated.

    1. That book is truly a sight to behold. I got it on ebook so no one would know I was reading it. Unfortunately that prevented me from slamming it repeatedly into a wall. I had to just whack my head on the desk instead.

  16. So I’m SUPER late to this conversation, because I happened to catch this in the archives while reading The Republican and The Democrat: A Love Story. I watched the movie a few weeks ago and then decided to read the books…which I read quickly and then had to switch to something intellectual like A Brief History of Time in an effort to get my brain cells back. Throughout the last 2 books I wanted to throttle Ana every other page and it seriously got redundant after a while. I started skipping stuff because the descriptions were constantly the same. BUT I will say that Jamie Dornan can wear those jeans very very very well. Although he can’t hide his accent very well. I would totally let him tie me up any day.

    1. Haha, I still haven’t seen the movie yet. I’ve heard it’s not as unintentionally amusing as the books because no Ana voice. You could say I was a bit obsessed with the books as I covered all three, but I chose different ways to do it. In the second book, I pretend interviewed the characters. And yes I wanted to hurl my books across the room, but they were on my electronic reader, so I didn’t. Anyway you are never too late to hate on 50 Shades! (I may have to check out this guy, though, maybe with mute on. :D)

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