It’s been just ages since I wrote one of these song reviews. Heck, it’s been ages since I wrote a post. But the other day I was just INSPIRED to write when I heard this awesome song by Bruno Mars. It’s called “Grenade” so I knew that obviously it had to be a love song and IT IS! Check out these lyrics:
Should’ve known you was trouble
From the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open
Why were they open?
Um, I dunno, Bruno? So she could get better aim? Cause she had something in her eye? Also, how do you know her eyes were open unless yours were open, which means you’re doing the same thing, ie not closing your eyes while kissing. Is this a requirement? I guess so since it’s the gal who is clearly the trouble here as you’ll soon see.
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
‘Cause what you don’t understand is…
Just give me all your love, that’s all I ask! And by all your love it’s not like I’m talking anything crazy, like being willing to die for me by various methods. I mean, tossing love in the trash, that’s just mean, girl, cause look at what he’s willing to do for you! Just wait!
I’d catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Well, uh, that’s nice. Saying we were in some baseball game where live explosives were used, I guess any girl would be grateful not to be the catcher. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
So you’re – just throwing your hand on a blade? For me? Gosh that’s – not frightening at all! That is the most romantical thing ever! I’m a hidin’ the silverware, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I’d jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Okay, Bruno, dude, I really can’t see any reason why you would need to jump in front of a train for someone unless you have sparkly vampire powers and can make it all go crunch with your body. I’m pretty sure it’s the opposite thing that will happen here. As in Bruno go crunch. Yeah yeah, REALLY yeah.
Oh, I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain
That’s . . . awesome. Grenades, blades, trains, now a gun! Maybe we should not let Bruno around any weapons or methods of transportation. He seems just a tad unstable. Even more unsettling about this line is that the first time I heard it sung it was by a three-year-old on Ellen. No, seriously. And she gave him lots of toys for it cause it was so GOSH DARN CUTE. “Take a buwwet thwu my bwain fer youuuu.” he sings with passion and I am not at all worried.
Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won’t do the same
I understand your sentiment, Bruno. I mean, Romeo and Juliet died for each other and they were like fourteen so clearly they should be imitated. Also, if you’re both willing to die for the other one, and you both die, this romance is gonna be one bloody mess. And by bloody mess I mean literal bloody mess. But golly, true love!
Black, black, black and blue
Beat me ’til I’m numb
Tell the devil I said “Hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman
That’s just what you are
Yeah, you’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car
Boys and girls can we say pro-jec-tion? This mad, bad devil woman is beating this guy black and blue and that’s just mean! Also pointless since he seems willing to do all that stuff to himself already. I do like how she’s willing to rip the brakes out of his car. I think if this guy continued to follow me around, I might be tempted to do the same. Especially if said guy was dragging a piano around behind him everywhere he goes. Like in the video. No, really, check it out.
Why is he dragging the piano?????
If my body was on fire
Oh, you’d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you’re a liar
‘Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby
Okay, now we can’t even let him around matches. Good grief, this reads more like one of those Weird Al videos where he starts out normal broken-hearted and then starts diving into pools of razor blades and burning down malt shops. Like this video of Al’s, that looks plain old normal compared to Bruno’s. Note the absence of pianos.
Now I know partly why this song is so popular. It has a good beat and the artist is pretty good looking. But I’d still stay the heck away until he sees a counselor and finds some meds stat. Luckily, there are some great parodies of this song, like this one from Key of Awesome. My favorite part is when she makes him go to Target and watch Lifetime with her and he’s willing to pick up the cleaver again.
Just to make things a little easier for Bruno, and others like him, I’ve compiled a quickie list of what are normal romantic gestures and what are NOT normal romantic gestures.
1. Jump out of a plane with no parachute. NOT NORMAL
2. Cut off a body part. NOT NORMAL
3. Give her chocolates. NORMAL (unless they are poisoned)
4. Play with napalm. NOT NORMAL
5. Take her to a nice restaurant. NORMAL
6. Run naked over a patch of hot coals in the middle of the park. NOT NORMAL
7. Stalk her. NOT NORMAL (I don’t care if Edward does it!)
8. Sit through an entire Cinderella movie with her. NORMAL (It’s not that hard!)
9. Call her constantly with this song playing in the background. NOT NORMAL
10. Write her a love poem. NORMAL (unless it mentions any of the above NOT NORMAL things)
See, romance doesn’t have to be so hard! I’m pretty sure most women would be willing to go out with you without you threatening constant physical harm to yourself. Most women aren’t into that, and if they are, you really don’t want to go out with them. Note to Bruno: The mental hospital is not a good place to pick up potential romantic partners.
Okay, so, saying anyone’s still here, what do you think of Bruno’s song? Please respond because you know I’d do anything for you. I’ve got the grenades here to PROVE IT!