Angsty Songs: Grenade!

Song go BOOM!

Song go BOOM!

It’s been just ages since I wrote one of these song reviews.  Heck, it’s been ages since I wrote a post.  But the other day I was just INSPIRED to write when I heard this awesome song by Bruno Mars.  It’s called “Grenade” so I knew that obviously it had to be a love song and IT IS!  Check out these lyrics:

Should’ve known you was trouble
From the first kiss
Had your eyes wide open
Why were they open?

Um, I dunno, Bruno?  So she could get better aim?  Cause she had something in her eye?  Also, how do you know her eyes were open unless yours were open, which means you’re doing the same thing, ie not closing your eyes while kissing.  Is this a requirement?  I guess so since it’s the gal who is clearly the trouble here as you’ll soon see.

Hint: these two should keep eyes open cause they really don't know what they are doing.

Hint: these two should keep eyes open cause Eddie is clearly aiming for her nose.

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked
‘Cause what you don’t understand is…

Just give me all your love, that’s all I ask!  And by all your love it’s not like I’m talking anything crazy, like being willing to die for me by various methods.  I mean, tossing love in the trash, that’s just mean, girl, cause look at what he’s willing to do for you!  Just wait!

Hey who threw all this LOVE in the trash?  Gross!

Hey who threw all this LOVE in the trash? Gross!

I’d catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Well, uh, that’s nice.  Saying we were in some baseball game where live explosives were used, I guess any girl would be grateful not to be the catcher.  Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

So you’re – just throwing your hand on a blade?  For me?  Gosh that’s – not frightening at all!  That is the most romantical thing ever!  I’m a hidin’ the silverware, though.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I’d jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Okay, Bruno, dude, I really can’t see any reason why you would need to jump in front of a train for someone unless you have sparkly vampire powers and can make it all go crunch with your body.  I’m pretty sure it’s the opposite thing that will happen here.  As in Bruno go crunch. Yeah yeah, REALLY yeah.

Bruno, look OUT!

Bruno, look OUT!

Oh, I would go through all this pain
Take a bullet straight through my brain

That’s . . . awesome.  Grenades, blades, trains, now a gun!  Maybe we should not let Bruno around any weapons or methods of transportation.  He seems just a tad unstable.  Even more unsettling about this line is that the first time I heard it sung it was by a three-year-old on Ellen.  No, seriously.  And she gave him lots of toys for it cause it was so GOSH DARN CUTE.  “Take a buwwet thwu my bwain fer youuuu.” he sings with passion and I am not at all worried.

Yes, I would die for you, baby
But you won’t do the same

I understand your sentiment, Bruno.  I mean, Romeo and Juliet died for each other and they were like fourteen so clearly they should be imitated.  Also, if you’re both willing to die for the other one, and you both die, this romance is gonna be one bloody mess.  And by bloody mess I mean literal bloody mess.  But golly, true love!

Black, black, black and blue
Beat me ’til I’m numb
Tell the devil I said “Hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman
That’s just what you are
Yeah, you’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Boys and girls can we say pro-jec-tion?  This mad, bad devil woman is beating this guy black and blue and that’s just mean!  Also pointless since he seems willing to do all that stuff to himself already.  I do like how she’s willing to rip the brakes out of his car.  I think if this guy continued to follow me around, I might be tempted to do the same.  Especially if said guy was dragging a piano around behind him everywhere he goes.  Like in the video.  No, really, check it out.

Why is he dragging the piano?????

If my body was on fire
Oh, you’d watch me burn down in flames
You said you loved me, you’re a liar
‘Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

Okay, now we can’t even let him around matches.  Good grief, this reads more like one of those Weird Al videos where he starts out normal broken-hearted and then starts diving into pools of razor blades and burning down malt shops.  Like this video of Al’s, that looks plain old normal compared to Bruno’s.  Note the absence of pianos.

Now I know partly why this song is so popular.  It has a good beat and the artist is pretty good looking.  But I’d still stay the heck away until he sees a counselor and finds some meds stat.  Luckily, there are some great parodies of this song, like this one from Key of Awesome.  My favorite part is when she makes him go to Target and watch Lifetime with her and he’s willing to pick up the cleaver again.

Just to make things a little easier for Bruno, and others like him, I’ve compiled a quickie list of what are normal romantic gestures and what are NOT normal romantic gestures.

1. Jump out of a plane with no parachute.   NOT NORMAL

2. Cut off a body part.  NOT NORMAL

3. Give her chocolates.  NORMAL (unless they are poisoned)

4. Play with napalm.  NOT NORMAL

5. Take her to a nice restaurant.  NORMAL

6. Run naked over a patch of hot coals in the middle of the park.  NOT NORMAL

7. Stalk her.  NOT NORMAL (I don’t care if Edward does it!)

8. Sit through an entire Cinderella movie with her.  NORMAL (It’s not that hard!)

9. Call her constantly with this song playing in the background.  NOT NORMAL

10. Write her a love poem.  NORMAL (unless it mentions any of the above NOT NORMAL things)

Try not to follow these idiots either.

Try not to follow these idiots either.

See, romance doesn’t have to be so hard!  I’m pretty sure most women would be willing to go out with you without you threatening constant physical harm to yourself.  Most women aren’t into that, and if they are, you really don’t want to go out with them.  Note to Bruno: The mental hospital is not a good place to pick up potential romantic partners.

Okay, so, saying anyone’s still here, what do you think of Bruno’s song?  Please respond because you know I’d do anything for you.  I’ve got the grenades here to PROVE IT!


19 responses

  1. I read this song completely differently. What I get our of it is that if they were in danger he’d protect her–jump in front of the knife/bullet/train to shield her or push her out of the way.

    She, on the other hand, has all the tender loving feelings towards him that Nero did for his city while he watched it burn. In other words, he’s a guy willing to make sacrifices and put his partner first, trapped on a relationship with a narcissist. Run, Bruno, run! Get out while you can.

    1. Yeah but she’s not the one draggin’ the piano around for no reason. And there’s putting your partner first and then just going on about shooting himself in the head, putting his arm on a blade, nothing that speaks to me of doing it to protect her in any way . . . but hey, that’s just me.

      1. I also didn’t watch the video.

        1. Well then you simply MUST to have an informed opinion. There is some fine piano draggin’ goin’ on there.

  2. In all fairness, I only watched the parody vid by Key of Awesome because, well, Bruno Mars sucks. But the parody was GREAT. And your post, also great. Romance doesn’t need to be hard or bloody or at all complicated. Flowers once in awhile, her fav candy or treat, doing something you don’t like to do that she does like gardening or watching chick movies – all excellent suggestions.

    1. Right! And of course the guy is wanting to break up with her cause YUCK that’s not dramatic and bizarre. Men really have no idea what we want, or they pretend they don’t. For instance, I saw a book called “Porn for New Moms” which was just pictures of good looking men doing the dishes, taking out the trash, changing the baby’s diaper, etc. Perfect. No grenades needed.

      1. Hell, that sounds like porn for this old Mama!

  3. I just read “protective” not “crazy.” Generally one is taking a grenade for someone because a third party has lobbed it at them, not as a random act of suicide. Now, “all I ask is all your love” seems whack to me, but then most sentiments of monogamy as a virtue and expressions of jealousy seem whack to me. I’m in a clear minority on that point. No matter how you read it, the pair in the song really need to break up. With restraining orders.

    1. Well, sure, GENERALLY, but this guy drags a piano around and also puts his arm on a blade (he says nothing of it being thrown at him) and is willing to jump in front of a train. Even saying he’s pushing her out of the way (most of the times in movies they could just grab them, not push, and then one of them wouldn’t go squash but nevermind) his fascination with the way he would sacrifice for their love just gets more and more bizarre until it’s comical (like Weird Al). By the way, love my husband, would not catch a grenade or jump in front of a train for him. Sorry, man.

  4. Bruno must have seen that her eyes were open during a kiss, because he had a GoPro camera on his head and reviewed the footage later.
    Given all his compulsive grenade-catching and in-front-of-the-train-jumping, it’s not that implausible.

    1. That makes perfect sense given his track record. He’s probably also tested the fire thing while wearing some protective gear (since he’s still alive) at a dinner party in front of all their friends just to see if she would put out the flames and she didn’t. Cause she’s mad, bad woman.

      1. It’s probably not a good idea to try to put out a flame on someone who just caught a grenade and is standing in front of a train.

        1. But for goodness sakes, SAVE THE PIANO!

  5. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think the piano is like a metaphor or something.

    1. For what? The weight of music?

  6. Can we also educate this dude that the word is pronounced as “you” and not “yer”? It also sounds a bit like he’s listened to “Every Breath You Take” just a few too many times.

    As for Weird Al, if she’s that bad, why did he go out with her in the first place??

    And I love, love, love that parody video.

    1. Weird Al is known for his masichism. It’s in most of his songs. And yeah, I think old Bruno needs to get some help. Quit trying to kill yourself with guns and knives and dragging pianos. Though death by piano would be interesting.

      1. Death by piano? Didn’t that happen a lot in the road runner cartoons? Wile E Coyote always seemed to have something land on his head.

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