TEXAS!

The other day I was talkin’ with one of my Yankee friends (that’s Southern for Northerners) and she had never heard of the chain of stores called Hastings.  I thought everyone had.  Then it occurred to me that not everyone was Southern, and even more bizarre, not everyone was from TEXAS since as most of you know we are the capital of the United States.  Or our own country.  We can’t decide.  There’s been six flags over us, and we’re ready to add more.

A "don't litter" slogan with more than one meaning.

A “don’t litter” slogan with more than one meaning.

So this morning I thought of a list of stuff that I think is relatively unique to the South, or at least to Texas since that’s the only Southern state I’ve lived in (it’s the only state I’ve lived in, but nevermind).  Yeah, Texas gets a lot of flack, but that is why we have Mississippi and Alabama, to make us look good.  (Sorry people in Mississippi and Alabama – I know there are some hold-outs there that are not, in fact, Gator hunters).

So here’s my list so far.  If you know what I’m talking about here, let me know in the comments.

Do you know what this is?  If not you aren't Amer-i-can!

Do you know what this is? If not you aren’t Amer-i-can!

TEXAS!!!

Cotton-Eyed Joe – and the dance that goes with it

Pick-up Trucks – almost everyone has one and most of them have never hauled ANYTHING.

Boots n’ Jeans – most of the people in boots have never been on a ranch like ever.

Guns, Guns, Guns – fun bumper sticker: “You can take my guns bullets first.”

We make 'em for gals too!

We make ’em for gals too!

People who still wave the Confederate flag

Soft drinks are Coke whether they are Sprite, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, or actual Coke.

Rednecks

Six Flags Over Texas  – Do you know what they are?  Besides a theme park.  Yes it’s a theme park.

Cadillac Ranch – not an actual ranch but there are planted Cadillacs.  Really.

Church on Wednesday night and twice on Sunday (plus other Bible studies too!)

Chicken-fried Steak (this is the best food evah)

Texas is still the biggest state because Alaska is mostly ice.

Did we mention we're big?

Did we mention we’re big?

Smack in the middle of this conservative state is a capital so liberal even I think they’re weird.

“Texas” the musical, which is totally not a rip-off of “Oklahoma” the musical.

Tumbleweeds

FOOTBALL is the only sport.

Dust Bowl – it’s not just for The Great Depression anymore!

The Panhandle – notice how the top of the state is like a handle to a really messed up pot?

Palo Duro Canyon – it’s a big hole, but it’s OUR big hole.

Mexicans are considered a minority despite being a majority.

We can secede at any time, watch us.  No really, we’re gonna.  Hey, guys, we’re leaving!  Um, guys?

Every small child wishes they lived in Oklahoma when it’s time to draw the state.  Really, who thought up those borders?

Long, long stretches of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

We don't let signs get in OUR way.

We don’t let signs get in OUR way.

Okay, so that’s what I’ve got for now.  I’m sure I’ll think up other things – and you can TOO though it won’t be as good if you are not from TEXAS.  Sorry.

Also a shout-out to my buddy Merbear who is having a contest where you can win a Beatles book that was touched by her hands and everything and you should really want it.  It’s easy, you just take a song lyric and do something with it, like draw something lame in Paint.  If you’re me, that is.  You really don’t want me to win this by default, because I will still rub it in everyone’s face. Cause Texas.

Alice

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22 responses

  1. Ohio just sucks by comparison. I wanna play a fiddle in a band.
    Thanks for the shout-out Wonder Twin. The Beatles salute you.

    1. If you’re gonna play in Texas, you GOTTA have a fiddle in the band.

      1. Yay you got my song reference. Thank goodness. You gotta know when to hold them.

        1. And know when to fold ’em. And know when to RUN! hahaha.

          1. You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.

          2. They’ll be time enough for countin when Kenny Rogers is done!

  2. I’ll have you know from personal experience, that it is legal to park your truck on its side or roof in Texas, as long as i is not for more than 24 hours.

    1. That kind of depends. If it’s in your yard it could sit there for months unless you have nosy neighbors. And the Cadillac ranch has been there for years. Look it up. There is an insane millionaire that put it together. Because . . . crazy!

      1. Sorry, I meant on a public roadside. Of course you are correct that on private property you can do anything in Texas, including starting a well-armed religious sanctuary.

        1. It’s practically a given, here. I once attended a church where they offered a concealed handgun class – in the church building.

          1. God and guns – a combination to beat , literally.

          2. You have to ask – what would Jesus do? Come down with a flamin’ sword and kick butt, that’s what!

  3. HA! Nebraska can match or beat damn near all of that. Well, except for Hastings. And Six Flags. But we totally have those long ass stretches of highway in our panhandle that make you want to just pull over and DIE.

    1. Are we there yet . . . are we there yet . . . did we just pass through a town . . . are we there ye . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

  4. My parents lived outside of San Antonio for a few years, so I paid a visit to them a number of times. Love Texas. The thing I loved the most was how big the sky really looks. Being a Yankee myself, the sky is constantly covered by trees and trees and more trees. I got dizzy just looking at it!

    1. One thing you don’t have to worry too much about in Texas is trees.

  5. Damn you, I’ve got to go and pray for a Sister whose funeral is tomorrow and whose coffin is now in chapel, and all that’s going to happen is that I’m going to be singing cotton eyed joe in my head.

    You can really go off people, you know!! 😉

    1. As long as you don’t pop up with “Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eyed-Joe” during the funeral, you’re probably okay. whoops.

      1. Fortunately it had fallen out of my head by the funeral

  6. This week we were presented with a learning tool in my law clinic, compliments of Texas: Texas Style Deposition: https://youtu.be/ZIxmrvbMeKc

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