I have to say, guys, I am on a roll here with this Facebook news. All this time I had no idea some of this news was even happening, since I seem to keep missing TLC’s weird shows in the line up. I’m always in time for the wedding shows. How many times can they talk about a wedding dress? There’s not much humor there. Oh, look, today we have some moron with more money than sense (or with parents who qualify) taking an entourage of people with her to find a dress for her wedding day. And the dresses MUST start at like 10,000 dollars or you might as well wear a garbage bag. And it’s important to have both the dress shop owners AND your family members repeatedly insult you about your choices – like an episode of Maury only with more fashion. This is not at all like what happened on the last 1,000 episodes.
And since this is obviously so fascinating, TLC must have dozens of shows about the exact same thing – wedding dresses. And then they must show them in a marathon. Until your brain bleeds. Really, TLC, I have more important stuff to watch. Like shows about the lady with Freddie Krueger nails and the eternal Santa Claus looking for love. Or all those zany mishaps ending people up in the ER. Or the baby powder snorters. And of course there are the baby-making shows. Either shows about who can pop out the most kids, how many babies they can fit inside them at one time like a gumball machine, what size those kids are (if you can do it with average size adults, it can be done with little people too), how the kid was born in a forest or a car or on the sidewalk beside a daycare (all true), or how people can have twins without even knowing they are pregnant. I’m not sure if the one about the mom and her teen being preggers at the same time is still on, but it wouldn’t surprise me.
Speaking of fascinating births, we have our latest bit of Facebook news, and it is totally blowing Alyssa and her breastmilk out of the water, er plane.
Wow. What can I say except – hey, Americans, you are totally letting us down here. We have to go to Berlin to find someone this whacked out crazy. I mean getting pregnant with quads is weird enough, but when you’re eligible for social security? And you already have 13 children, the oldest of which is 44 and too old for having babies herself?
I try to peer into the mind of someone like this. Why would you want another baby at that age? She has 7 grandchildren. Those are the best. Take ’em for a while, give them loud, obnoxious toys and fill them with sweets, then send the home. Yet she wants more of her own. Couldn’t she like, adopt some puppies? People don’t frown if you occasionally put those in a kennel. Or baby dolls! They have lifelike ones and I’ve seen some people on TLC who drag them along in real strollers like actual children which is whack, but not as whack as four real babies at 65. Saying they all survive. There seems to be a contest for people to have the most babies at one time so they can score reality shows and stock in Huggies. But the thing is, we aren’t dogs. We’re people. We’re not actually meant to have litters. Technically, even a twin pregnancy is high risk. So – someone needs to take away this lady’s access to baby-making tools before she and all her children are in diapers together.
There were a lot of comments on this article. Some say she is selfish since she’ll probably die and leave the babies without an insane mother. I say she wants her 15 minutes of fame. And guess what? She’s got it! If she can just toast those babies a few more months in there, she could get a reality show for sure. Move over Kate plus 8. We’ve got Geriatrics plus 17. Three more and she could outdo Michelle Duggar, who only has 19 of the little buggers. Maybe she could get married too – she’d need a wedding dress! And if she married a little person, our story would be complete. As long as they make sure she has the quads out in the woods or something.
This is Alice, your Facebook reporter, signing off.