Dear Current Husband

I suppose you’ve probably heard that annoyingly catchy “Dear Future Husband” by Meghan Trainor, she of the “All about the Bums” fame.  Okay, so I’ve listened to this song dozens of times already (I TOLD you it was catchy) and I was thinking, hey, I have a few things to say to my CURRENT husband.  So I made up some of my own lyrics.  They don’t necessarily have rhyme or rhythm, but I guarantee they make at least as much sense as hers do.

Here’s the video to get the beat, in case you somehow managed to miss hearing this song.

Dear Current Husband

Here’s a few things

You’ll need to know if

You want to live

Another 16 years in peace.

***

Take me on a date

Pretend you think it’s great

I’ll try not to forget our anniversary

Cause if you treat me right

I’ll be a decent wife

I’ll remember next time

About your birthday and all that

Oh wait, not that one . . .

Oh wait, not that one . . .

You got a 7 to 3:30

But I got 8 to 5

That means you get a teensy bit of precious free time

So it’s only fair you cook

You know that I can’t cook.

But I can check out books, yeah I check out books

***

You gotta attempt to treat me like a lady

Even though I’m always crazy

Tell me everything’s alright

***

Dear Current Husband

Here’s a few things you should know by now

To keep your wife from having a big cow

Turn off “Pickers” and listen

***

Dear Current Husband

If you want some lovin’

Remember to play old Alan Alda shows

****

After fixing cars

Try to clean it up

And maybe then I won’t freak out because the yard is

covered by so many parts

Not to mention oil.  And all those blasted tools.

How many do you need?  Really, how many do you need?

Yeah, pretty much all of this is in our front lawn.

Yeah, pretty much all of this is in our front lawn.

You gotta know to pretend that I’m a lady

Yeah I know I’m really crazy

Just tell me everything’s alright

***

Dear Current Husband

Here’s a few more things

You need to know if you want to live

16 more years of mostly peace

***

Dear Current Husband

Make time for me

Don’t leave me lonely

And know you sometimes have to talk to me

***

Please stop snoring on the left side of the bed (hey)

And take the kids away and you might get some kisses

Don’t leave them in the woods

They’ll just find their way back

Forget about big rings

I want a va-cay-tion

They just keep coming back.  But it's harder if you're farther away.  Like on vacation.

They just keep coming back. But it’s harder if you’re farther away. Like on vacation.

Okay you know that I’m not much of a lady

And I usually am crazy

But tell me everything’s alright

***

Dear Current Husband

There’s so many more things

You need to know if you want to be

My husband till we fight in wheelchairs

***

Dear Current Husband

Though you do drive me nuts, I really do love you

Just say I’m beautiful, like, out loud

Current Husband, we can make this work!

***

Thank you, current husband, for 16 and a half years (see I’m not that late).  I love you.

Please clean up the driveway

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10 responses

  1. This does sum up some issues, doesn’t it?

  2. Very Cool, Alice! Happy 16 and a half anniversary!

    1. Thanks! See if you group it all near June, I remember. Three birthdays and freaking Father’s Day in that one month.

  3. Funny, these are some of the very same reasons why my “current” is about to be the last “ex.”

    1. Fortunately my current has many other redeemable characteristics. Like not griping when I get lost in a town I’ve lived in all my life and he has to come find me. But still, the tools! WTF.

  4. Thank you for making me smile! And happy 16 and a half years.

    1. Thanks. And a very merry unbirthday to you!

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