Monthly Archives: September, 2015

Facebook News with Alice: Selfies and Shark Attacks

More late breaking news you guys, brought to you again by Facebook, my only source of news save a couple of bloggers who have been letting me know about stuff like the Republican presidential debates, led by Trump, who from brief glimpses at the TV, appears to be arguing with himself.  I have not heard yet on the last one from Speaker 7 or List of X, so let us hope they decided to ignore this and are not still in drunken benders trying to forget it.

But right, back to my news.  Before I told you guys about Alyssa Milano’s magical pumped breastmilk and how she was really angry that it was not allowed on the plane with the rest the milk that was still stored in her regular boobs.  No word on whether airlines will start measuring the amount of liquid in boobs or other organs next.  I guess that all depends on whether a terrorist manages to do something really amazing with it first.  I’m sure Facebook will keep me informed.

Even the baby looks bored with this by now.

Even the baby looks bored with this by now.

Alyssa is still in the news, yammering about how people won’t accept women breastfeeding, thus giving her excuse to publish lots of pictures of herself breastfeeding.  Speaking of pictures, this next piece of news is about selfies!  No, not selfies of Kermit with his new girlfriend.  Though I also told you guys, via Facebook news, that Kermit and Miss Piggy had broken up, even though no one knew they were together, and they are both puppets.  His new girlfriend is also a pig, in case you were wondering.  And Kim Davis has already announced that she will not issue them a marriage license.

And before that we had a 100 year old man kill his wife with an ax and a senior citizen having quadruplets (they weren’t related to each other – I don’t think) so you may be wondering – what next, Alice?  Here’s a hint.

A participant takes a “selfie” during the fifth bull-run of the San Fermin Festival in Pamplona, northern Spain, on July 11, 2014. (Photo credit should read RAFA RIVAS/AFP/Getty Images)

A participant takes a “selfie” during the fifth bull-run of the San Fermin Festival in Pamplona, northern Spain, on July 11, 2014. (Photo credit should read RAFA RIVAS/AFP/Getty Images)

Yup, this piece is about a report – yes an actual report – that says that more people were killed taking selfies (like the one above taken by a guy running from BULLS who survived but is in big trouble for making this, like, more dangerous?) than were killed in shark attacks in 2015.  Several reputable internet news sources have picked up on this, including Yahoo News, but the story I chose comes from Mashable. According to Mashable, the dude who slipped off the Taj Mahal while taking a selfie (not American this time) was the 12th selfie related death this year.  In comparison, there have been only 8 deaths from sharks.

Actual chart from Mashable (no I'm serious).

Actual chart from Mashable (no I’m serious).

This made me wonder a few things.  For one, how did they come up with the comparison?  They are fairly different things.  A selfie is a self-absorbed way for a person to take a picture, whereas sharks are sea animals with big, sharp teeth who rarely ever take photographs (they are reportedly shy).  Would you compare these two any other way?  For instance: Tourists like to take selfies.  Sharks like to eat tourists.  How many selfies can a tourist on a beach five miles from the ocean take before a shark traveling 60 miles per hour can eat them? Show your work.

I wouldn’t be surprised if one of those shark related deaths came from someone trying to take a selfie while riding a shark.  Or jumping over one on water skis.

Anyone (or their *cough* friend) ever taken a selfie while doing something stupid?  Anyone willing to admit it? Let me know in the comments below!

Alice

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Ziegfeld Follies or Back in the Old Days We Were Still Freaks

Thing One is an actress, you guyz.  She is a freshman this year (how did she go from second grade to that – no matter) and is playing a Folly girl in the high schools’ grand musical comedy production “Crazy for You.”  I had never heard of this musical before, but I knew the songs, and now they are stuck in my head.  “I’ve got rhythm, I’ve got music, I’ve got a migraine, who could ask for anything more?”  Still, it’s her drama teacher who is to be admired.  He gets to hear the songs over and over and over and try to get high school students to stop texting and making out (Thing One will point out that she does not do either of these things, partly because she has no phone) long enough to learn lines, songs, and dances.  He’s been doing it since my older brother was in high school, so his brain is probably permanently damaged by now, which makes him the perfect one for the job.

Thing One is playing a Folly girl, like from the Ziegfeld Follies.  I’d heard of them, but vaguely, so we decided to look it up on Youtube.  And wow – we learned a lot.  Stuff you really can’t unlearn.  First we found a clip about Ziegfeld Follies from another musical comedy (you’ll soon see why “comedy” so often comes up when speaking of these guys), the 1946 film appropriately titled “Ziegfeld Follies.”  You’ve got everything here guys.  Fred Astaire, dancing girls with 6 ft tall fluffy boa hats, an enormous merry-go-round with real horses, a set that was thrown up on by a giant bottle of Pepto-Bismol, a dead serious Lucille Ball cracking a whip over chorus girls, who could ask for anything more?

The Things and I watched it once, scarred for life, then watched it again to make sure we had really just seen that.  Here’s a few screen shots.

Fred welcomes the real pink ladies - ah back in the days when women were allowed to have thighs!

Fred welcomes the real pink ladies – ah back in the days when women were allowed to have thighs! And pink fluffy hats!

 

And out comes a ballerina! Because . . . ballerina!

And out comes a ballerina! Because . . . ballerina!

 

Is that a carousel or a sentient pink mushroom?

Is that a living carousel or a sentient pink mushroom?

 

Please help,my neck is breaking under the weight of my mushroom cloud hat.

My neck is breaking under the weight of my mushroom cloud hat. Please help.

 

Lucy? Is that you?

Lucy? Is that you?

 

Lucy is handed a whip. Now things are startin' to get weird.

Lucy is handed a whip. Now things are startin’ to get weird.

 

Aaaand out come girls in literal cat suits which Lucy begins to hit with her whip!

Aaaand out come girls in literal cat suits for Lucy to whip into submission! 1940s, guys!

 

You whip me right round baby, right round!

You whip me right round baby, right round!

 

And mercifully ends our tour of psychosis.

And mercifully ends our tour of psychosis.

 

Here’s the whole clip for you to watch!  Put to music it’s even better!

WTF?  I mean seriously – what was that???  I thought you couldn’t get more bizarre than that horrific pink carousel of mid-rif showing, boa covered girls standing on top of actual freaking horses (how many times did they have to rehearse that scene?  I could see some issues with the horses.)  And then comes Lucy looking like she just completed brain surgery.  And then comes the whip.  And then the cat girls.  And the whipping.  And the fingernails.  And . . . that was not a Lady Gaga video, you guys, she just wishes she could be this innovative.

But this was a comedy film, so they weren’t seriously that weird right?  We watched a clip of a PBS (the ones who made Sesame Street) documentary on the Follies to find out.

From the PBS documentary hey wait are those guys nude?

From the PBS documentary hey wait are those guys nude?

 

This is so wrong on so many levels.

This is so wrong on so many levels.

I love how the PBS commentator (a guy of course) reflects that it was all very innocent and American!  We’re talking 1907 through 1936 here.  This is why knowing history is oh so important.  We’re repeating it now, only we are much more boring about it.

So my Thing One is going to be a folly girl!  I can’t wait to see her costume.  I hope it has a giant pink feather boa hat.

 

Alice

 

The Anti-Memes

You may remember that once upon a time I made up some anti-awards to combat the approximately 5 billion well-intended but also incredibly annoying WordPress awards that were being passed around (for example: The Sunshine Award, The Chainmail Award, and the Visit My Blog Award). There was a time when you could get six or seven of these a day! And I wasn’t even that popular. I can only imagine what real bloggers got.

I came back with stuff like the Fruitcake Award (passed around but totally useless), and the much more useful Creeper Award. Because everyone knows a creeper.

Feel free to share with the deserving blog of your choice!

Feel free to share with the deserving blog of your choice!

Speaking of creepers, lately I’ve been seeing these memes posted up on Facebook. This has been going on for a while now, but sometimes this is done by my friends with good intentions, and my black hole of a mind just can’t help but immediately think of a smart-alack response. For example, this morning my good friend posted the following meme.

Oh I don't know . . .

Oh I don’t know . . .

Do I love my kids? Of course I do. But there are so many problems with this!  First off, what if I don’t share this?  Does lack of sharing mean I don’t love my daughters?  For another thing, I have two daughters, not one, so do I need to add an “s” to the end or is that already implied? Or should I simply favor one over the other? “I love you, but not you, only so much love kid.” Also you have to ask – are children always blessings? Because sometimes they smart off to you, or worse, your husband by repeating verbatim what the slightly negative thing you said about him last night.
So I came up with my own meme, because the sarcasm is so great in me, and I just can’t let this go.

It’s a fun joke my husband and I have been telling the Things for years. No, really. Don’t call CPS.

There are other memes that annoy me, like the happy clappy ones because why should other people be happy, huh? That’s obnoxious. Tone it down. Also annoying are the DEEP THOUGHTS ones.  Here’s an example I found.

Like that moment you took a long walk off a short pier.

Like that moment you took a long walk off a short pier.

The picture is all pretty and everything, but a little disturbing because when I see any kind of bridge, pier, or whatever, I think “jump” because I’m me. I also ask questions. How deep is that water? Are there jellyfish? Or sharks? Is the water polluted? You just don’t know.

I’m pretty bad at collecting moments, too. I can’t save time in a bottle either. But I am really good at collecting things. Important things. Like boards I broke off from that pier. Watch your step.

I don’t want to rain on anyone’s daughter, but this is just how I am. If the memes make you feel better, then great! To each his own. But I will continue to like ones like this.

My happy message for the day.

My happy message for the day.

 

Alice

How to Cure Insomnia

Have you ever had trouble falling asleep?   Have you ever woken up earlier than you wanted?  Do you have that dream where you can’t find a private bathroom?  Are you a human?  Of course!  But you are in luck, because I, Alice, have discovered the cure for insomnia using scientific methods based on reading scholarly articles from Pop Psychology Now.  To prove my qualifications I will throw on a doctor’s white jacket and list all the letters after my name.

Dr. Alice Hatter BA MA MLS MD VIP HBO ‘SUP

Trust me.

Trust me.

So there you have it!  But hey, you are wanting to know the secret to a good night’s sleep, heck you have been up all night long wanting to know the secret.  So I’m going to tell you.  But in order to more firmly convince you that I am legit, I have to admit that I once had a problem with insomnia as well.  And wow, did I.  Let me tell you how I deal with this dreaded monster insomnia.

Popular knowledge says that you should not lay in bed too long thinking “Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep OMGGGG SLEEEEP” because then your bed becomes an uninviting place.  I highly doubt that knowledge because I am able to sleep splendidly.  Granted this is during the day because I have the sleep cycle of a cat.  Being awake at night really stinks because there is no one to talk to, and people do not especially like being woken up from a sound sleep.  I remember clearly how much I did not like it when my children were babies and woke me up repeatedly night after night, because babies are jerks.  My husband is gifted with an on / off switch that allows him to flip the switch every night and go instantly to sleep.  I love this man dearly.  But that makes me want to hit him with a hammer.

Where's that hammer?

He’s SLEEPING again.

After I get tired of pleading with my brain to sleep, I get up and go to the living room where I watch T.V.  Now other so-called experts will say it is not a good idea to turn on a T.V. or a computer (like I am typing on now at 11:15 P.M.) because that causes your cicada rhythms to get mixed up and makes you more awake.  I didn’t know cicadas had rhythm, but man those things can keep you up because they are even noisier than crickets.  At least they don’t get in the house like crickets with their incessant chirping “Hey baby, get out of my dreams and into the shoe I’m hiding in right now.”  They are too stupid to realize that there probably aren’t female crickets in the house, and if there were, they would be wanting to hit them with a hammer.

Anyway, I watched T.V. the other night, and I found an informerical.  Salesmen have decided that insomniacs are a perfect target for products so awesome that they go completely insane, nearly wetting themselves, in anticipation of marketing them to us.  The infomercial I watched was about wrinkle cream, specifically made for crepey skin.  Do you not know what crepey skin is?  Congrats I will tell you now!  “Crepey” comes from crepe paper, you know that thin, rough paper stuff you toss around to be festive.  Now imagine your skin looking like that, only without the pretty colors, draped from the ceiling!  Cool, huh?  I wasn’t disgusted by this in the least!  Even the word is delightful.  Crepe, crepe, crepe.

This product was endorsed by a doctor – of what I’m not certain, but she had that frozen grin that says I have given away all my integrity for cash.

She is in a white coat and has "Dr." in front of her name. I'm convinced!

She is in a white coat and has “Dr.” in front of her name. I’m convinced!

Did you hear that?  Seriously groundbreaking, like seriously™.  But nevermind that stupid doctor, we’ve got Jane Seymour endorsing it!  No, not the one who married Henry VIII, the actress that was on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Babe (she played a doctor!) who lived on the prairie with this hot guy who had hung with the Indians and was hot.  Jane is 64 now, yet still looks fab, and it’s all thanks to Trufirm Crepe Erase™.  I’m sure her appearance has nothing to do with (A) plastic surgery, (B) winning the genetic lottery, 0r (C) plastic surgery.

Crepe Erase™ – seriously guys do not steal this name – is special because it has natural products in it like shea butter, rejuvenating extracts (vanilla and tree sap), and dried acorns.  It restores collagen (that’s the plumping stuff in your skin that keeps you from looking like an old crone) through an ancient Chinese secret and then you look 30 years younger.  You get two products, an exfoliating body scrub designed to relieve you of your pesky skin, and the Intensive Body Repair Treatment, all for just 39.95 per month plus shipping and handling!  As a free gift, you get eye cream, cause man your eyes look super gross.  Please wear sunglasses.

It’s not just Jane endorsing this, no, we’ve also got Dorothy Hamill, former ice skater, and if you can’t trust an actress and an ice skater, who can you trust?  Why, Jane even frolicked on the beach in her bikini, which wasn’t at all obnoxious.

Just 40 dollars and a deal with the Devil and you can look like me!

Just 40 dollars and a deal with the Devil and you can look like me!

So there you go!  Oh, wait, I didn’t get to the cure for insomnia yet, did I?  Well, join me next time and I’m sure I’ll have more fabulous ideas for you.  Even now I am coming up with Consciousness Erase™, designed to knock you out in seconds!  One of the key ingredients is a hammer.

Any of you dealing with insomnia?  Anybody click on this link thinking you’d find useful information?    Let me know in the comments below!

 

Alice

Seven Dwarfs Go To The Mall or Why Snow White Should Not Be G-rated

Breaking news!  The Things and I just happened to catch the Seven Dwarfs at the mall yesterday (It could happen).  And they volunteered to be interviewed!  Well most of them did – Grumpy had to be restrained.  But it was all worth it, cause now we can let you see into the minds of the real stars of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs – the dwarfs of course.  What do they dig them jewels for?  What the heck is wrong with Dopey?  Why is Bashful, you know, Bashful?  What ticks Grumpy off the most?  Why are they still in the same bachelor pad after all these years?  How have they adjusted to modern times?  So many questions.  Let’s get some answers.

Warning: This will ruin your childhood and possibly scar you for life. (Click to enlarge pictures)

They were easy to spot what with the single file and all.

They were easy to spot what with the single file and all.

The dwarfs each had special shops in mind, but were nice enough to wait.  Mostly.  First we spoke to Sneezy, while trying to avoid his mucus.

I'm now going to have to change clothes and get vaccinated.

I’m now going to have to change clothes and get vaccinated.

Next we spoke to Grumpy.  Or rather he spoke to us.

Not sure if that's the best place for you to go right now, Grumpy.

Not sure if that’s the best place for you to go right now, Grumpy.

Let’s check in with Sleepy while he’s still awake.

Not sure if we want to know, Sleepy.

Not sure if we want to know, Sleepy.

Let’s check in with old, reliable Doc.

I guess that's what they dig them for?

I guess that’s what they dig them for?

Well, there’s that lovable Bashful.

I'm not seeing this.

I’m not seeing this.

Let’s talk to Happy.  I could use some happy.  But – what happened to his hands?

Hooo boy.

Hooo boy.

I wish Happy had some soap and water for MY brain.

I wish Happy had some soap and water for MY brain.

Okay, one last dwarf.  Thank freaking Disney-goodness.  Dopey.  Aw, what could be wrong with Dopey, fan favorite?

Oh, right he doesn't talk much. Wonder what he's thinking about?

Oh, right he doesn’t talk much. Wonder what he’s thinking about?

 

Well there goes my childhood.

Well there goes my childhood.

Wow.  Okay so I think that answered all my questions and then some, boys and girls!  I need to get hold of some of that memory soap and see if I can reach my brain.

Any other Disney characters you’d like to peer into the minds of?  I didn’t think so.

 

Alice