How to Cure Insomnia

Have you ever had trouble falling asleep?   Have you ever woken up earlier than you wanted?  Do you have that dream where you can’t find a private bathroom?  Are you a human?  Of course!  But you are in luck, because I, Alice, have discovered the cure for insomnia using scientific methods based on reading scholarly articles from Pop Psychology Now.  To prove my qualifications I will throw on a doctor’s white jacket and list all the letters after my name.

Dr. Alice Hatter BA MA MLS MD VIP HBO ‘SUP

Trust me.

Trust me.

So there you have it!  But hey, you are wanting to know the secret to a good night’s sleep, heck you have been up all night long wanting to know the secret.  So I’m going to tell you.  But in order to more firmly convince you that I am legit, I have to admit that I once had a problem with insomnia as well.  And wow, did I.  Let me tell you how I deal with this dreaded monster insomnia.

Popular knowledge says that you should not lay in bed too long thinking “Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep OMGGGG SLEEEEP” because then your bed becomes an uninviting place.  I highly doubt that knowledge because I am able to sleep splendidly.  Granted this is during the day because I have the sleep cycle of a cat.  Being awake at night really stinks because there is no one to talk to, and people do not especially like being woken up from a sound sleep.  I remember clearly how much I did not like it when my children were babies and woke me up repeatedly night after night, because babies are jerks.  My husband is gifted with an on / off switch that allows him to flip the switch every night and go instantly to sleep.  I love this man dearly.  But that makes me want to hit him with a hammer.

Where's that hammer?

He’s SLEEPING again.

After I get tired of pleading with my brain to sleep, I get up and go to the living room where I watch T.V.  Now other so-called experts will say it is not a good idea to turn on a T.V. or a computer (like I am typing on now at 11:15 P.M.) because that causes your cicada rhythms to get mixed up and makes you more awake.  I didn’t know cicadas had rhythm, but man those things can keep you up because they are even noisier than crickets.  At least they don’t get in the house like crickets with their incessant chirping “Hey baby, get out of my dreams and into the shoe I’m hiding in right now.”  They are too stupid to realize that there probably aren’t female crickets in the house, and if there were, they would be wanting to hit them with a hammer.

Anyway, I watched T.V. the other night, and I found an informerical.  Salesmen have decided that insomniacs are a perfect target for products so awesome that they go completely insane, nearly wetting themselves, in anticipation of marketing them to us.  The infomercial I watched was about wrinkle cream, specifically made for crepey skin.  Do you not know what crepey skin is?  Congrats I will tell you now!  “Crepey” comes from crepe paper, you know that thin, rough paper stuff you toss around to be festive.  Now imagine your skin looking like that, only without the pretty colors, draped from the ceiling!  Cool, huh?  I wasn’t disgusted by this in the least!  Even the word is delightful.  Crepe, crepe, crepe.

This product was endorsed by a doctor – of what I’m not certain, but she had that frozen grin that says I have given away all my integrity for cash.

She is in a white coat and has "Dr." in front of her name. I'm convinced!

She is in a white coat and has “Dr.” in front of her name. I’m convinced!

Did you hear that?  Seriously groundbreaking, like seriously™.  But nevermind that stupid doctor, we’ve got Jane Seymour endorsing it!  No, not the one who married Henry VIII, the actress that was on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Babe (she played a doctor!) who lived on the prairie with this hot guy who had hung with the Indians and was hot.  Jane is 64 now, yet still looks fab, and it’s all thanks to Trufirm Crepe Erase™.  I’m sure her appearance has nothing to do with (A) plastic surgery, (B) winning the genetic lottery, 0r (C) plastic surgery.

Crepe Erase™ – seriously guys do not steal this name – is special because it has natural products in it like shea butter, rejuvenating extracts (vanilla and tree sap), and dried acorns.  It restores collagen (that’s the plumping stuff in your skin that keeps you from looking like an old crone) through an ancient Chinese secret and then you look 30 years younger.  You get two products, an exfoliating body scrub designed to relieve you of your pesky skin, and the Intensive Body Repair Treatment, all for just 39.95 per month plus shipping and handling!  As a free gift, you get eye cream, cause man your eyes look super gross.  Please wear sunglasses.

It’s not just Jane endorsing this, no, we’ve also got Dorothy Hamill, former ice skater, and if you can’t trust an actress and an ice skater, who can you trust?  Why, Jane even frolicked on the beach in her bikini, which wasn’t at all obnoxious.

Just 40 dollars and a deal with the Devil and you can look like me!

Just 40 dollars and a deal with the Devil and you can look like me!

So there you go!  Oh, wait, I didn’t get to the cure for insomnia yet, did I?  Well, join me next time and I’m sure I’ll have more fabulous ideas for you.  Even now I am coming up with Consciousness Erase™, designed to knock you out in seconds!  One of the key ingredients is a hammer.

Any of you dealing with insomnia?  Anybody click on this link thinking you’d find useful information?    Let me know in the comments below!

 

Alice

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13 responses

  1. Why am I hungry right now?

    1. You just watched one of the million late night ads for fast food?

      1. That must be it. Need to buy a Slap Chop……

  2. I can usually get to sleep easily, but it’s waking up in the middle of the night that’s the problem. (To piddle, of course. Sigh.) Once I’m up, it’s a challenge to get back to sleep, and I get to experience the joy of rehashing things that shouldn’t be rehashed.

    As for the miracle cream, I’m of the camp that good skin comes from genetics and clean living. Too much alcohol and too many cigarettes are hard on the skin. Water and healthy nutrients in our diet are good for it. Beyond that, drugstore Neutrogena suits me fine. I can’t fight what Nature’s intending. (Or I should say I don’t particularly want to.) Dermatologists everywhere are cringing.

    “cicada rhythms”—Ha!

    1. I have the piddle thing too – they should point this stuff out to teens that want babies. And yes I read that the scrubs are harsh on your skin and unnecessary. Any exfoliating treatment can be done by a freaking washcloth (so like a buck or two at Wal-Mart). I’d like to see them market the Miracle Cloth™. Compact size, made of 100% organic cotton, washable!

  3. Hmm, well… All of the meds I take at night (8 pills that aren’t vitamins) are supposed to make me sleepy, so yes. I do have to do the no TV/electronics thing but I find it helps. I also use a white noise app on my phone and keep my room fairly cool. But this is all stuff that I’ve found through trial and error helps me. Maybe not someone else, but me.

    1. I would avoid TV, but my brain has trouble concentrating on reading stuff. Ironic considering my college majors and my job. The most I can handle these days is People and Cosmo. I play classical music (with nature sounds) at night sometimes, but if I’m alert, not much helps. Except maybe actually staying alert during the day.

      1. Getting your sleep/wake cycle out of whack makes it worse. Has your doc been able to give you any useful suggestions?

        1. Nah. He’s a doctor after all.

  4. I used to nave insomnia in college (all those all-nighters and schedule with no classes before noon must have completely screwed up my sleep cycles. However, I have discovered this little-known ancient remedy called “working overtime”, and since I’ve been using that, I feel so tired that I fall asleep almost instantly. This remedy is great, is recommended by 4 out of 5 bosses, and best of all, it pays you! The downside is that it takes an awful long time to administer every day.

    1. I’m surprised it’s not recommended by all 5 bosses! I’m not sure any amount of pay would keep me late at my job – people think the library is easy, but there’s a reason a lot of librarians drink. Hey, there’s another remedy – booze! Also watching political debates can put you to sleep, unless you’re kept up by the stupidity of it, then it may have adverse effects. I’ll have to remember these remedies for next time.

      1. The 5th boss is concerned with the impact that paying for overtime would have on the bottom line.
        The first debate did not put me to sleep – it was like watching circus clowns in suits and not makeup. But I’m not planning to watch the next one, since the candidates probably aren’t going to say anything new, and I can just watch the highlights later.

  5. Sometimes what helps me to get to sleep is to stay up to 2am reading or playing games on my tablet, so that I basically just pass out and then at least I don’t irritate myself by crying for half an hour. I’m no less zombie-fied the next day, but at least I don’t have snot all over my pillow.

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