Have you ever had trouble falling asleep? Have you ever woken up earlier than you wanted? Do you have that dream where you can’t find a private bathroom? Are you a human? Of course! But you are in luck, because I, Alice, have discovered the cure for insomnia using scientific methods based on reading scholarly articles from Pop Psychology Now. To prove my qualifications I will throw on a doctor’s white jacket and list all the letters after my name.
Dr. Alice Hatter BA MA MLS MD VIP HBO ‘SUP
So there you have it! But hey, you are wanting to know the secret to a good night’s sleep, heck you have been up all night long wanting to know the secret. So I’m going to tell you. But in order to more firmly convince you that I am legit, I have to admit that I once had a problem with insomnia as well. And wow, did I. Let me tell you how I deal with this dreaded monster insomnia.
Popular knowledge says that you should not lay in bed too long thinking “Sleep Sleep Sleep Sleep OMGGGG SLEEEEP” because then your bed becomes an uninviting place. I highly doubt that knowledge because I am able to sleep splendidly. Granted this is during the day because I have the sleep cycle of a cat. Being awake at night really stinks because there is no one to talk to, and people do not especially like being woken up from a sound sleep. I remember clearly how much I did not like it when my children were babies and woke me up repeatedly night after night, because babies are jerks. My husband is gifted with an on / off switch that allows him to flip the switch every night and go instantly to sleep. I love this man dearly. But that makes me want to hit him with a hammer.
After I get tired of pleading with my brain to sleep, I get up and go to the living room where I watch T.V. Now other so-called experts will say it is not a good idea to turn on a T.V. or a computer (like I am typing on now at 11:15 P.M.) because that causes your cicada rhythms to get mixed up and makes you more awake. I didn’t know cicadas had rhythm, but man those things can keep you up because they are even noisier than crickets. At least they don’t get in the house like crickets with their incessant chirping “Hey baby, get out of my dreams and into the shoe I’m hiding in right now.” They are too stupid to realize that there probably aren’t female crickets in the house, and if there were, they would be wanting to hit them with a hammer.
Anyway, I watched T.V. the other night, and I found an informerical. Salesmen have decided that insomniacs are a perfect target for products so awesome that they go completely insane, nearly wetting themselves, in anticipation of marketing them to us. The infomercial I watched was about wrinkle cream, specifically made for crepey skin. Do you not know what crepey skin is? Congrats I will tell you now! “Crepey” comes from crepe paper, you know that thin, rough paper stuff you toss around to be festive. Now imagine your skin looking like that, only without the pretty colors, draped from the ceiling! Cool, huh? I wasn’t disgusted by this in the least! Even the word is delightful. Crepe, crepe, crepe.
This product was endorsed by a doctor – of what I’m not certain, but she had that frozen grin that says I have given away all my integrity for cash.
Did you hear that? Seriously groundbreaking, like seriously™. But nevermind that stupid doctor, we’ve got Jane Seymour endorsing it! No, not the one who married Henry VIII, the actress that was on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Babe (she played a doctor!) who lived on the prairie with this hot guy who had hung with the Indians and was hot. Jane is 64 now, yet still looks fab, and it’s all thanks to Trufirm Crepe Erase™. I’m sure her appearance has nothing to do with (A) plastic surgery, (B) winning the genetic lottery, 0r (C) plastic surgery.
Crepe Erase™ – seriously guys do not steal this name – is special because it has natural products in it like shea butter, rejuvenating extracts (vanilla and tree sap), and dried acorns. It restores collagen (that’s the plumping stuff in your skin that keeps you from looking like an old crone) through an ancient Chinese secret and then you look 30 years younger. You get two products, an exfoliating body scrub designed to relieve you of your pesky skin, and the Intensive Body Repair Treatment, all for just 39.95 per month plus shipping and handling! As a free gift, you get eye cream, cause man your eyes look super gross. Please wear sunglasses.
It’s not just Jane endorsing this, no, we’ve also got Dorothy Hamill, former ice skater, and if you can’t trust an actress and an ice skater, who can you trust? Why, Jane even frolicked on the beach in her bikini, which wasn’t at all obnoxious.
So there you go! Oh, wait, I didn’t get to the cure for insomnia yet, did I? Well, join me next time and I’m sure I’ll have more fabulous ideas for you. Even now I am coming up with Consciousness Erase™, designed to knock you out in seconds! One of the key ingredients is a hammer.
Any of you dealing with insomnia? Anybody click on this link thinking you’d find useful information? Let me know in the comments below!