Monthly Archives: October, 2015

Jeb Bush Threw an Egg at Me and Other Thoughts and Dreams on Politics

It is almost time for the election, you guyz, and after only four years of endless preparation and annoyance!  A lot of stuff has really been happening out there like the Republican debates (that I didn’t watch) and the Democratic debates (that I also didn’t watch).  Some candidates have stood out more than others, like Donald “toupee” Trump for instance:

Bozo Le Clown

Hey boys and girls, welcome to the grand prize election!

Oh wait, I’m sorry, that’s an insult to Bozo.  I was meaning this guy:

This is the first picture I found of him and my very favorite.

This is the first picture I found of him and my very favorite.

Of course candidates can stand out in various ways.  Either for being stupid blowhards (see above) or for having something decent to say.  In the Democratic debate, I heard that Bernie Sanders actually requested that they not talk about Hillary Clinton’s emails, not so much for Hillary’s sake as for everyone else’s.  Thanks, Bernie.  I don’t recall what her emails were supposed to be about.  I’m just concerned that she is so old she’s out of touch with America.  Everyone these days texts their stupid, possibly illegal crap on their smart phones.  Get with the program, Hillary.

Now how to you work this thing again, I just want to make a freaking phone call . . .

Now how to you work this thing again – I just want to make a freaking phone call . . . hey why do I have 500,000 messages from Trump?

But you might be wondering about the title of my blog post, saying you read it.  I haven’t felt so good physically lately.  I’ve had bronchitis, reaction to antibiotics, stomach virus, more stomach virus, a partridge in a pear tree lodged in my sternum, etc.  So I’ve been a bit out of touch (more than normal that is).  So if something major has happened, I don’t know because I haven’t been getting my dose of fb news.  But I do remember that Trump really got his panties in a wad over Jeb Bush supposedly planting a cute little red haired girl (no relation to Charlie Brown) in his audience to ask him impossible questions  like “Do you respect women?”  I mean, what is he supposed to say to that?

So how come you won't let women have control of their bodies, huh, Trump?

So how come you won’t let women have control of their bodies, huh, Trump?

They did a little research and it turned out that the redheaded girl, oopsie, worked for Jeb Bush’s campaign.  Which makes one wonder about why she was asking Trump if he was going to treat women well when clearly Jeb isn’t going to do it, unless he just lost his Republican dos and don’ts flash cards and forgot.  At any rate, Jeb claimed that he had NO IDEA she would be there.  Trump, in a rare moment of brilliance, said that was a bunch of crap.  I watched with glee.  I love it when they fling poo on each other.

The resemblance between political candidates and monkeys is undeniable.

The resemblance between political candidates and monkeys is undeniable.

But what about the dream part, Alice?  Does that have something to do with Jeb throwing an egg at you, or did you just decide to get involved as a lobbyist after all?  Well, it was a dream.  Yup, I dreamed about Jeb Bush. No not like THAT!  I would only take Obama to the prom, as I did in another whacked out dream years ago.  This dream had to do with eggs, and Jeb, and ebay.  I’ll explain.

See I was walking down one side of the street, and on the other side, there was Jeb Bush with some of his cronies.  And they were riding along behind this old lady on an old mare and Jeb asked his aide “What’s that in front of us?”  And his aide said “Old mares!”  And they both laughed and laughed.  And I thought that was not very funny so I yelled over there.  In response, they pelted me with eggs.  But not just any eggs.  When the egg exploded on my shirt it read “Jeb Bush for President” in sticky egg goo.  Rather ingenious way to get your message across, but I was quite irritated.  I marched over to him and asked why he did that.  In response he looked at me in that adorable, befuddled way he does:

Gorsh, I dunno!

Gorsh, I dunno!

So I just took a picture of him and went on to some conference or circus, or something like that.  I explained to my friends about getting Bush egg on me, and how I planned to sell my shirt along with the picture (for absolute proof) on Ebay.  Makes sense to me.  Or it did, until I woke up.  Now I will never know how much money I got for getting pelted by Republican eggs.  Darn it.

What does this have to do with politics or the issues or any of that stuff?  Absolutely nothing.  Which means I have told you just as much as your average news report.  This is your raving reporter Alice, signing off.

By the way – have you ever had a dream with politicians in it?  Or, er nightmare?  Let me know in the comments below!  Or just tell me why you hate politicians, that will do too.  I’ll be getting to work on my political egg bombs – I think the idea shows promise.

Alice

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Radioactive Spider Alice

Stomach viruses suck.  So do rotten stomachs, which is something I’ve had since I was a little kid.  All my worry is processed in my stomach, so I often hear people groan “You and your stomach.”  My depression wasn’t diagnosed until after they first performed a bunch of stomach tests including the “drink liquid chalk and let them take funny pictures of your insides with radiation and pretend they see something while hiding behind protective walls” test.  They didn’t find anything with all the tests, so they said “Passin’ the ball to you, mental people!”

They do this a lot because it is well known, by doctors anyway, that the brain and other bodily organs have absolutely nothing to do with one another even though they are all part of the same body.  Each organ should have someone different taking care of it, these people should not communicate, and if it happens to be something none of these specialists understand, it’s off the the psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist being the one guy who does not issue funky tests unless you want to count the “Hey, try this drug.  It probably won’t kill you.” test.

I diagnose you with "The Nuts."

I diagnose you with “The Nuts.”

But, wait, Alice, you might say, isn’t there research saying there is a strong mind-body connection?  Haha, don’t be silly.  Where did you get that from?  John Hopkins?  Mayo Clinic?  Frauds, I tell you!   The majority of doctors are far too busy misdiagnosing people and making sure their malpractice insurance is up to date to look at stupid research.

Well it turns out I do have depression and anxiety which do affect bodily systems, like my gut.  My GP ran some tests and informed me that my liver test wasn’t normal – it was like, way better than other livers!  Like, go liver!  Except that hey I still feel like crap.  So he decided I would have a Cholescintigraphy (Also Called Gallbladder Radionuclide Scan or HIDA scan) performed.  It’s a test that checks gallbladder function.   And you read that right, boys and girls.  It involves radioactive crap – only instead of just a scan, they shoot this little tracer thingy up into your veins!

This is TOTALLY normal, mmkay?

Ready for some Radium?

I was super excited about this test, especially after the nurse said I got to be a super hero and just in time for Halloween!  I always wanted to be Spiderman.  Shooting webs from your hands and bouncing from building to building sounds like fun.  Superheroes get all the perks.  Like I bet Superheroes don’t have to work, not if they’re smart.  Why blend in with the population when you can be totally famous just being yourself?  Huh, Spidey?  Enough whining about personal responsibility and crap.  Have some fun.

Me.  Alice.

Me. Alice. Just wait.

So they injected me with the radiation, but I didn’t immediately get super powers.  Instead they had me lie under this table with my arms held up in a sling and this scanner looming over me while they took pictures of my organs.  I wonder if they saw my liver and thought to themselves – there is a LIVER.  Give it first prize.  I hope they saw my liver anyway.  Because what they didn’t see was my gallbladder.

Yup, supposedly I was to lay there thirty minutes while they took glamour shots of my gallbladder, then they were to give me some other stuff, possibly nitroglycerin so I could explode my radiation all over the place, that was going to show them how my gallbladder functioned.  This was all supposed to take an hour.  Only they never took any pictures of my gallbladder because, after a lengthy search, they couldn’t find it.  Yup, that’s right, they lost an organ.  I’m pretty sure I’d remember having an organ out.  Clearly these doctors could have used a good map.

Where are we going?  Gallbladder!

Where are we going? Gallbladder!

I figured they were going to send in another tracer to help with the search party, or consult with a specialist like that dog from Blue’s Clues, but no, she just told me to go.  So I asked like, “What was the doctor going to get from this if they didn’t find the organ?”  “Oh, he’ll know something just by not finding it”,  she said.  Know what?  She couldn’t say.  Right.  So after that, and a rather hefty bill, I’m left more confused than I was before the test, which I’m pretty sure is how they are designed.

The gallbladder is WHERE now?

The gallbladder is WHERE now?

But that’s okay, because according to the nurse, I am still radioactive for the next couple of days at least.  Don’t mess with me.  I’m the Nuclear Librarian, you guyz.

Alice

 

 

Fairy Tale Crime Scene

This is what happens when I let Thing Two put my dolls back in the case.  I come back to find this.  These dolls are from the movie Tangled.  The sleeve belongs to Mother Gothel, who didn’t quite make it into the shot.  She is holding a knife over Flynn while Rapunzel recoils in horror.  Not sure whether to be proud or worried . . .

CSI Disney?

CSI Disney?

Alice

Facebook News with Alice: Rover Fights Back

There have been many shootings in the news lately, so much so that people seem to barely notice them.  That’s pretty creepy.  Here are some things I’ve learned via Facebook “trending” news.  Don’t give a five-year-old a loaded rifle for his birthday.  Don’t leave loaded guns around children.  Don’t give loaded guns to stupid adults.  And most importantly, don’t ever let Rover have a gun.

Yeah, that’s right, there have been several cases of dogs shooting their owners, two of them within weeks of each other.  I’m not kidding here.  You think it’s okay to give Rover store brand dog biscuits?  Or leave him outside alone in a dog house with no Cable?  Well it’s not.  Rover isn’t taking it anymore.  It’s time for dogs everywhere to fight back!

Actually using your dog as a gun can backfire too.

Actually using your dog as a gun can backfire too.

Case One:

Dog Shoots Man: Brigham City Man Recovering From Gunshot Wound Caused By Pet

With a headline like that, you really have to check it out.  Well I did, anyway.  I was picturing Rover armed with a shotgun, forcing his owner to eat from a dish on the floor.  Or better yet, you know those dogs they make sad commercials about because they are forced to fight one another for money?  And they don’t even get a cut of it!  Yes, I would like fighting dogs to get together, turn a gun on owners, and make them be the gladiators.  I bet they could make a show out of it.  I know I’d watch.  They could put it on right after “Pitbulls and Paroles.”

It didn’t go quite like that.  But it was still funny – I mean, such a shame for the stupid gun owner.  See there was this hunter in Utah, and he was going duck hunting with a friend.  And he shot the friend in the face.  Wait, no, that was Dick Cheney.  On the plus side, Huffington Post also referred to the story as “Dog “Cheneys” Owner” after the infamous case in which, yes, the Vice President of the United States accidentally unloaded birdshot into a campaign donor’s face.  That’s a good way to repay your supporters!  And you think Joe Biden has made some mishaps.  Pretty sure while he often puts his foot in his mouth, he has never put birdshot in a supporter’s face.

Our former V.P. everybody!

Our former V.P. everybody!

But back to the dog!  This hunter laid his shotgun on the bow of his boat.  He got off and Rover, excited as always, hopped up on the bow, landing on the gun and causing it to shoot a burst of fire into the man’s posterior (that’s butt for anyone not in the know).  Doctors later removed 27 pellets from his as . . . posterior.  After I had finished laughing (hey the guy had the protection of waders and a lot of butt fat) I thought about this incident for a while.  First off, why was the gun loaded before he was ready to fire it?  Why didn’t it at least have a safety on it?  I mean, sure, a cat’s gonna get around a safety – that’s just how those guys are designed.  But not man’s best friend!

I can just imagine this case.  Man bent over, yelling curse words while his pal, Rover, tries to help out by licking him and barking happily.  This is one of the times I wish they’d actually gotten it on Youtube.  I’m sure his human friend was sad not to have his camera phone ready.

But that’s not all folks!

Case Two:

Gregory Dale Lanier, Florida Man, Shot By Dog Wielding ‘Unloaded’ Pistol: Police

The article starts with “Bad Fido!”  Hahaha, you gotta love how the news treats all stories seriously.  This was again from the Huffington Post, although under “Crime” not “Weird News” like last time.  I’m not sure why, because they have a heck of a lot more fun with it under the Crime label.

This time the man – his full name given, lucky guy – Gregory was traveling in his truck on his way to an elegant black tie event.  I mean hunting.  He had his gun sitting conveniently beside him.  Once again, his dog (his name was totally Rover, not Fido, get it right Huffpost) jumped on the gun and shot the guy in the thigh.  Just -really people.  If you’re going to leave your gun loaded (and if you aren’t sure – check.  Preferably when it is not aimed directly at you, a friend, the President, whatever.), for goodness sake’s restrain your dog in a properly installed car seat.  Everyone will feel safer, though EMTs will not have nearly as much fun on their coffee break.

Huffpost reports “Police have ruled the shooting accidental and did not detain the dog for questioning. No word on whether Lanier gave him a treat when they returned home, however.”  Accidental, they say?  I don’t know about that.  Maybe Rover had a grudge.  Maybe he didn’t like hunting.  Maybe the cat made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.  You shouldn’t rule things out.

When hunting, make sure you can trust your buddy.

When hunting, make sure you can trust your buddy.

Case Three:

They also report on another incident, back in 2011, of dog with gun violence.  Another man, Billy E. Brown, was shot in the thigh by his dog while driving to a hunting spot.  I wonder if it was totally separate, or if we have a canine serial killer.  Shockingly, many accidental shootings reportedly occur during hunting.

Case Four:

Just this September, another hunter, this one a French one (goes to show that French people are so not more sophisticated than we are) was shot by his gun when his dog tried to cuddle with him.  This guy had to have his right hand amputated.  That would put a damper on hunting, unless he’s a left hander.  Or maybe they could do like in the sci-fi movies and just install a gun on the end of his arm.  Best to be prepared, people.

Bulky, yes, but you can't ignore the convenience.

Bulky, yes, but you can’t ignore the convenience.

At least the French guy was decent enough to excuse his pet, saying, and I quote “It wasn’t the dog’s fault.”  Well, thank goodness, now we can forgo that lengthy trial, with Rover often wetting the witness seat and leaping onto the judge’s desk in excitement, only to knock the judge unconscious with his own mallet.

Case Five:

PUPPY SHOOTS FLORIDA MAN, DEPUTIES SAY

The worst case by far was of a man unable to find homes for his puppies back in 2004.  So he took them to an animal shelter.  Yeah, no, don’t be stupid.  He decided the best thing would be to shoot the puppies.

Puppies!

Puppies!

Right, so he had one pup under his arm, and was holding another in his hand.  In the opposite hand he had a gun.  The puppy put its paw on the trigger of the .38 caliber revolver.  Bang.  Talk about the ultimate case of poetic justice there.  Good job, puppy!  The guy was shot in the wrist, but sadly only after four other puppies were killed.  What a guy.  Next time, puppy, think like Cheney.  Go for the face.

Alice

By the way, I was interested to learn that there are many, many more cases of dogs shooting owners.  I didn’t find any about cats, probably because they are smarter and don’t get caught. 

Cats don't miss.

Cats don’t miss.

 

 

 

The Diva Cup!

Ah, divas, everybody knows one.  She thinks she’s like all that, you know, and shows off and wears rhinestone studded sunglasses and uses menstrual cups.  Oh, uh, sorry about that.  I should have put in a warning for any male or squeamish readers.

Warning: This post talks about periods and va-jay-jays!

Okay, then.  Everybody gone yet?  I was looking at Facebook for news again and this Buzzfeed article just popped up.  Pop!  It was about something called the Diva Cup, which I had never heard of before.  Yes, I have a hippie-ish friend who once mentioned using a cup thing for her period but I think I changed the subject because yuck.  Cups don’t go up there.  As Buzzfeed clearly points out in the linkbait title of their article:

There's just so much here - where do I start?

“The phantom vagina.”  Wasn’t that a Star Wars movie?

I’m not sure what was the most whack – the title, the tagline “phantom in my vagina” or the picture of a clearly uncomfortable woman.  What on earth did she stick up there?  Is it like those balls that Anna put up there in 50 Shades of Grey?  Wouldn’t it have been funny if those balls had gotten stuck up “there” in Ana?  I think so.

Before any passionate users of these cups – and there are apparently several different brands of this thing with names like “Fleurcup”, “MeLuna”, “Lunette”, and “Round Sucky Bell Thing” – complain, the article is actually not overtly negative about this form of period management.  Some of the women seemed to like it, though most of them, understandably, looked a little uneasy about the idea of using one for the first time.  I mean, who hasn’t pondered how wise it would be to stick foreign objects in an orifice?  And then done it anyway?  Lots of people on TLC for one!  Sometimes it results in embarrassing trips to the ER (where it is all filmed).  Other times you get a baby (without knowing it was in there either).  This is not to be dealt with lightly, folks.

Of course some women have stuck tampons up there for years (not at a time), something I never did back when my “Auntie Flo” used to visit me against my wishes.  I used sanitary pads which are not at all like diapers (which my Thing Two mentioned to my Thing One who was not amused) even though the commercials are almost exactly the same.  Except the women crawling around in the period commercials are not as cute.  Thing Two has not yet experienced the joy of becoming “a woman” although she told us years ago when she was about seven that she knew just what a period was – a punctuation mark at the end of a sentence.  We just nodded and told her she was exactly right.

See, it's cuter on these guys. Still gross, though.

See, it’s cuter on these guys. Still gross, though.

I actually quit having my “little friend” come by when I had my baby-factory removed years ago, a result of my last uterus renter liking to jump very hard on the floors.  I haven’t missed it one bit.  But some women still have to use this stuff, including my Thing One, who would die to know I was talking about her in this article but will never find out because she’ll never get this far into my post.  I think her initial reaction had to be the most perfect one ever.

“Just – what?  What is this?  Seriously?”

But back to the cup!  Isn’t it cool that now women and men get to have one?  Only a guy’s goes on the outside, whereas women have it inside, just like reproductive organs which were, as Dave Barry says, designed by Mother Nature apparently as a joke.  Yet it’s a normal monthly inconvenience for half the population, so why are we so squeamish talking about it?  Just cause it’s blood leaking out of our hoo-has and . . . I just grossed myself out there.  Maybe that is why.  I definitely remember being a teen and absolutely, positively not wanting anyone else to know I had a period, even going so far as to frantically cover up the pads in my grocery cart lest someone find out that I . . .  was like every other woman on the planet.

We totally saw your pad.

We totally saw your pad.

So we have these women trying on the cup on film – blacking out the bottom of the frame so we don’t see anything dirty.  I’m sure they were actually inserting these right in front of the camera person.  They had different reactions.  One complained of leaks, and another that she was concerned about getting it out again, and then some thought it was okay.  Kind of like when you’re asked to select your form of torture – the rack or the thumbscrews?  Lemmie think.

So the women put it on up there, and had cups of blood (that would have been convenient for Edward in Twilight – sorry) they later got to dump out.  This is better for the environment and all that, but I don’t think I’d personally want to pour one out.  Or put one in to begin with, because I know I’d be one of the morons who did it incorrectly and had to go to the doctor for removal.  So I’m glad that’s all behind me.  Uh, so to speak.

Many people in the comments were very irritated that Buzzfeed used such a misleading title on their article (which isn’t like them at ALL), and enthusiastically rejoiced in the benefits of their Diva Cups.  You go, girls!  I couldn’t help but notice there were no comments from guys.

I’m starting to wonder if I will have any comments.  No matter!  Someone had to tell you about this, and I was just the girl to do it.  You’re welcome.  Here’s the link and the video, in case you for some bizarre reason, want to know more.

Alice

 

 

There’s a Little Black Spot on the Sun Today

Same old thing as yesterday.

Thanks, Sting, I knew you’d understand.  It’s raining today.  I live in Texas, which being the size of about half the rest of the United States (we exaggerate sometimes here) has several of its own climates.  The one I have is semi-arid which means mostly desert except when the weather feels like throwing stupid stuff your way.  Like rain and snow.  I don’t really like either of these, unless the snow is so significant it cancels work and school.  Then snow is like, my pal.

Fun fact: There are more suicides in Seattle,Washington than in Alaska cause light bounces off of snow, but rain is just gray and dreary.  There’s a source for this, but I’m not looking it up.

Found on a Seattle travel brochure.

Found on a Seattle travel brochure.

It’s raining right now.  Everyone is supposed to be happy about this because sometimes we are so dry a loose spark can set off massive dry grass explosions.  But it messes with my asthma and my depression – a double combo so to speak.  I cough and I’m bummed.  And I can be bummed when it is bright and sunny (how dare it be bright and sunny?) so I don’t need actual dreary.  I don’t think I’m the only one who dislikes rain.  I’m pretty sure rain is at least partly why England was off conquering other nations once upon a time.  They didn’t want to be at home.

There’s even a song about rain everyone knows.  “Rain, rain, go away.”

“Rain, rain, go away

Come again some other day.”  (like never)

I learned it as a kid, and I remembered there were some whack lyrics about an old man in a coma, but I wasn’t sure what they were so I actually researched some for this one.  According to my authentic source, Wikipedia, the modern English song dates back to the 17th century when James Howell wrote “Raine raine goe to Spain: faire weather come againe.”  I like this version.  Hey, bad weather, go to Spain.  We hate those guys.  I wish my rain to go to political conventions.  Either party.  Please do so when the candidates are out there speaking.  I’d love to see the Donald’s hair piece wash away.

The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain - suck it Spaniards!

The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain – suck it Spaniards!

But the Wikipedia article didn’t touch on the old dude, so I had to do more searching.  I found an educational site that, predictably, screwed up the lyrics making it “Rain, rain go away, Mommy / Daddy / Sister / the dog / Donald Trump wants to play” but that was lame and not the real song at all.  Boo.  I had to add in “the old man is snoring” to get a positive result.  Turns out the song can be called “It’s Raining, It’s Pouring” as well as “Rain, Rain, Go Away.”  So here is the version they didn’t make PC for today’s children, but which was perfectly fine for me to learn.

It’s raining
It’s pouring
The old man is snoring.

He bumped his head
When he went to bed
And he couldn’t get up in the morning

Cue the chorus “Rain, rain go away.”  Just – wait, what?  I always wondered about that part.  I mean, what the heck does a snoring old man who gets a concussion and is now in a coma have to do with rain?  Why put this in a song for kids?  Were we not traumatized enough by the mutilation of the three blind mice?  Well, I say traumatized, but we were kids and took great delight in singing about chopping off rodent tails and unconscious old dudes in comas – who are lying in the rain?   But kids are evil.  As adults we should be wondering – who is this old guy and won’t someone shut off the camera and go get him medical attention?

Unless it’s foul play.  Now I can believe hitting your head on the headboard of your bed hard enough to cause a concussion because I routinely smack my head and other body parts into things on accident.  But while I’m no doctor, I think you really shouldn’t go back to sleep after this.  Unless someone MADE you.  Like say a disgruntled wife who was bugged by her snoring husband so hit him in the head when he went to bed so that he couldn’t get up in the morning.  Consciousness go away, come again another day . . .

Here's for your wife cutting off our tails with a carving knife!

(Or it might have been the mice?) “Here’s for your wife cutting off our tails with a carving knife!”

It should be noted that I found the real lyrics on another teaching site that advises teachers after singing the first part to ask the kids to put their names into the song.  “Blah blah old man dead, rain, rain go away, little (Madison, Madisyn, Maddisson) wants to play.”  Yes, let’s put our names into a song about an unfortunate old dude.  Sounds fun to me!  Go on, little (Brayden, Britin, Braxton) sing!  It’s fun!

And we wonder why our children grow up to be stuff like serial killers and politicians.  But I digress.  It’s raining here and the water is seeping under my house where wood will probably rot and suck us into a giant hole one day.  Maybe I could make a song about it?

As this post was inspired partly by Merbear’s inspirational Annie post, I feel I should give her credit here while stealing the cartoon she found.

annie

Have a nice day, rain or shine.  And pay no attention to Eddie Rabbit, who “loves a rainy night”.  He clearly never heard of that poor old guy.

Alice