Facebook News with Alice: Rover Fights Back

There have been many shootings in the news lately, so much so that people seem to barely notice them.  That’s pretty creepy.  Here are some things I’ve learned via Facebook “trending” news.  Don’t give a five-year-old a loaded rifle for his birthday.  Don’t leave loaded guns around children.  Don’t give loaded guns to stupid adults.  And most importantly, don’t ever let Rover have a gun.

Yeah, that’s right, there have been several cases of dogs shooting their owners, two of them within weeks of each other.  I’m not kidding here.  You think it’s okay to give Rover store brand dog biscuits?  Or leave him outside alone in a dog house with no Cable?  Well it’s not.  Rover isn’t taking it anymore.  It’s time for dogs everywhere to fight back!

Actually using your dog as a gun can backfire too.

Case One:

Dog Shoots Man: Brigham City Man Recovering From Gunshot Wound Caused By Pet

With a headline like that, you really have to check it out.  Well I did, anyway.  I was picturing Rover armed with a shotgun, forcing his owner to eat from a dish on the floor.  Or better yet, you know those dogs they make sad commercials about because they are forced to fight one another for money?  And they don’t even get a cut of it!  Yes, I would like fighting dogs to get together, turn a gun on owners, and make them be the gladiators.  I bet they could make a show out of it.  I know I’d watch.  They could put it on right after “Pitbulls and Paroles.”

It didn’t go quite like that.  But it was still funny – I mean, such a shame for the stupid gun owner.  See there was this hunter in Utah, and he was going duck hunting with a friend.  And he shot the friend in the face.  Wait, no, that was Dick Cheney.  On the plus side, Huffington Post also referred to the story as “Dog “Cheneys” Owner” after the infamous case in which, yes, the Vice President of the United States accidentally unloaded birdshot into a campaign donor’s face.  That’s a good way to repay your supporters!  And you think Joe Biden has made some mishaps.  Pretty sure while he often puts his foot in his mouth, he has never put birdshot in a supporter’s face.

Our former V.P. everybody!

But back to the dog!  This hunter laid his shotgun on the bow of his boat.  He got off and Rover, excited as always, hopped up on the bow, landing on the gun and causing it to shoot a burst of fire into the man’s posterior (that’s butt for anyone not in the know).  Doctors later removed 27 pellets from his as . . . posterior.  After I had finished laughing (hey the guy had the protection of waders and a lot of butt fat) I thought about this incident for a while.  First off, why was the gun loaded before he was ready to fire it?  Why didn’t it at least have a safety on it?  I mean, sure, a cat’s gonna get around a safety – that’s just how those guys are designed.  But not man’s best friend!

I can just imagine this case.  Man bent over, yelling curse words while his pal, Rover, tries to help out by licking him and barking happily.  This is one of the times I wish they’d actually gotten it on Youtube.  I’m sure his human friend was sad not to have his camera phone ready.

But that’s not all folks!

Case Two:

Gregory Dale Lanier, Florida Man, Shot By Dog Wielding ‘Unloaded’ Pistol: Police

The article starts with “Bad Fido!”  Hahaha, you gotta love how the news treats all stories seriously.  This was again from the Huffington Post, although under “Crime” not “Weird News” like last time.  I’m not sure why, because they have a heck of a lot more fun with it under the Crime label.

This time the man – his full name given, lucky guy – Gregory was traveling in his truck on his way to an elegant black tie event.  I mean hunting.  He had his gun sitting conveniently beside him.  Once again, his dog (his name was totally Rover, not Fido, get it right Huffpost) jumped on the gun and shot the guy in the thigh.  Just -really people.  If you’re going to leave your gun loaded (and if you aren’t sure – check.  Preferably when it is not aimed directly at you, a friend, the President, whatever.), for goodness sake’s restrain your dog in a properly installed car seat.  Everyone will feel safer, though EMTs will not have nearly as much fun on their coffee break.

Huffpost reports “Police have ruled the shooting accidental and did not detain the dog for questioning. No word on whether Lanier gave him a treat when they returned home, however.”  Accidental, they say?  I don’t know about that.  Maybe Rover had a grudge.  Maybe he didn’t like hunting.  Maybe the cat made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.  You shouldn’t rule things out.

When hunting, make sure you can trust your buddy.

Case Three:

They also report on another incident, back in 2011, of dog with gun violence.  Another man, Billy E. Brown, was shot in the thigh by his dog while driving to a hunting spot.  I wonder if it was totally separate, or if we have a canine serial killer.  Shockingly, many accidental shootings reportedly occur during hunting.

Case Four:

Just this September, another hunter, this one a French one (goes to show that French people are so not more sophisticated than we are) was shot by his gun when his dog tried to cuddle with him.  This guy had to have his right hand amputated.  That would put a damper on hunting, unless he’s a left hander.  Or maybe they could do like in the sci-fi movies and just install a gun on the end of his arm.  Best to be prepared, people.

Bulky, yes, but you can’t ignore the convenience.

At least the French guy was decent enough to excuse his pet, saying, and I quote “It wasn’t the dog’s fault.”  Well, thank goodness, now we can forgo that lengthy trial, with Rover often wetting the witness seat and leaping onto the judge’s desk in excitement, only to knock the judge unconscious with his own mallet.

Case Five:

PUPPY SHOOTS FLORIDA MAN, DEPUTIES SAY

The worst case by far was of a man unable to find homes for his puppies back in 2004.  So he took them to an animal shelter.  Yeah, no, don’t be stupid.  He decided the best thing would be to shoot the puppies.

Puppies!

Right, so he had one pup under his arm, and was holding another in his hand.  In the opposite hand he had a gun.  The puppy put its paw on the trigger of the .38 caliber revolver.  Bang.  Talk about the ultimate case of poetic justice there.  Good job, puppy!  The guy was shot in the wrist, but sadly only after four other puppies were killed.  What a guy.  Next time, puppy, think like Cheney.  Go for the face.

Alice

By the way, I was interested to learn that there are many, many more cases of dogs shooting owners.  I didn’t find any about cats, probably because they are smarter and don’t get caught. 

Cats don’t miss.