Monthly Archives: December, 2015

What if we put presidential candidates in the Hunger Games?

This race would be over a lot faster, that’s what!  Yes, I know I did this before with Disney characters, but this time I finished it.  We now have a victor, chosen by the arena after the candidates ruthlessly murder each other TO DEATH.  I think this is a modest proposal, considering how bloody politics can be anyway.  I was able to follow our candidates as they fought to the death thanks to a generator Thing One found called BrantSteele Hunger Games. You can try it later, with people of your choice!  They don’t have to be real people (I’m still wondering on Trump) or alive (note the inclusion of Ronald Reagan who does quite well, considering).  This is a much easier way of getting even with people than playing Oregon Trail and purposely flying through the game so that all the kids you don’t like in school die of Dysentery.  Not that I know anything about that.

But enough listening to people barf out stupid opinions on things they know nothing about, on with the games!  The generator randomly (I swear) makes stuff happen each day.  I’ll show you the honest-to-goodness results.

Our candidates are all assembled! Whether they ever ran for president, are still running for president, were president, are president, or are dead is unimportant, just like in the debates.

bloodbath part one

Note that I goofed on the genders on some of the candidates. I think this would bother them more than the killing part.

Note that I goofed on the genders on some of the candidates. I think this would bother them more than the killing part.

No deaths this time, but I like how Hillary stopped to pick some flowers. So like her!

No deaths this time, but I like how Hillary stopped to pick some flowers. So like her!

First two ruthlessly booted off the island! Bummer, guys.

First two ruthlessly booted off the island! Bummer, guys.

Mike falls on Marco, killing two birdies with one stone! See how much faster this is going?

Mike falls on Marco, killing two birdies with one stone! See how much faster this is going?

Carly, Scott, and O'Malley (what was his first name?) are out and Dan questions her sanity, since he is now a she thanks to me.

Carly, Scott, and O’Malley (what was his first name?) are out and Dan questions her sanity, since he is now a she thanks to me.

Favorite part? Rick Santorum crying himself to sleep. Aw.

Sucks to be Bernie. Bush Jr falling into a frozen lake is not that surprising. Favorite part? Rick Santorum crying himself to sleep. Aw.

Wow, all those people to kill off Bush Sr? He's not that fast these days . . .

Wow, all those people to kill off Bush Sr? He’s not that fast these days . . . Also Trump scares EVERYONE off, not just Jeb.

DANG, guys! These candidates be feisty! Maybe they should be the ones going to war?

DANG, guys! These candidates be feisty! Maybe they should be the ones going to war?

Hatchets - talk about your awesome campaign contributions. I like that Barack hums.

Hatchets – talk about your awesome campaign contributions. I like that Barack hums.

Hillary probably daydreams about bashing his head against a rock. Horrible? Yes. Good television? You betcha!

Hillary probably daydreams about bashing his head against a rock. Horrible? Yes. Good television? You betcha!

And then there were three. Nothing can stop Ron Reagan!

And then there were three. Nothing can stop Ron Reagan!

I bet they do! I sense an end to the campaign coming!

I bet they do! I sense an end to the campaign coming!

Yawn, this is getting like the real debates. Get ON with it.

Yawn, this is getting like the real debates. Get ON with it.

Aw, now Megyn will never learn the truth about Santa!

Aw, now Megyn will never learn the truth about Santa!

Lesson? Really, guys, don't screw with Hillary!

Lesson? Really, guys, don’t screw with Hillary!

Six days and we have a victor! I think we should do it this way every time!

Six days and we have a victor! I think we should do it this way every time!

Sure, you might not have gotten the winner you wanted, but it sure beat suffering through four years of campaigning only to not get the winner you wanted, right?  Mr. Trump, I apologize for you not winning. Also for having to go potty.  Please do not send wild monkey mutts after me.  Thanks.

Alice

 

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The WAR on CHRISTMAS!

I’m not sure if you guys realized it or not, being the sheltered types you are, but there is a WAR going on and it’s going on in our stores, our workplaces, even – if you happen to know or be related to a pinko commie – in our HOMES!  That’s right.  Forget all that Middle East crap.  We are talking about a war on CHRISTMAS, people.  It’s like a war on AMURICA itself.  Or possibly just a war on CAPS LOCK.

No, no, it’s war – can’t you see it?  PCs droppin’ everywhere!  Don’t believe me?  Well, then listen to the experts, like those on Fox News, or save your soul and just listen to me.

In Megyn we trust.

In Megyn we trust.

Remember last year when Megyn Kelly from Fox News informed us Santa was white and so was Jesus?  Or how I will never, ever let her or anyone else forget that she said that?  Right, well, I decided to do my own research to prove that there is a war on Christmas in this country.  I took three steps.

  1. Find out how many times someone said “Merry Christmas” vs the satanic “Happy Holidays” and whether the Merry Christmas wishers were beaten and flogged for disobeying the government PC police.
  2. Try to understand what Donald Trump (our great leader) is saying on this and other important topics.
  3. Sample Reeses Peanut Butter Christmas trees to see if they really look like trees or poop.

Step One the First: Season’s Greetings

Blasphemy!!!!!!!!!

Blasphemy!!!!!!!!!

In the last few days I have been counting the number of times someone has wished me well with something other than a shopping cart or well-placed elbow.  Here is my handy chart with a rough approximation.

Said Merry Christmas: 30ish

Said Happy Holidays (or some form of this): 0

Number of times person saying Merry Christmas was beaten, flogged, thrown in prison, etc: 0

I think I’ve proved my point.  We have rebels out on the streets, folks, risking their lives.  They’ve just been LUCKY, that’s all.

Step Two the Second: Out of the Pie Hole of Donald

Just see what this war has done to poor Trump.

Lend us your wisdom, oh Wise One.

I listened to Donald Trump.  Okay, no, I really didn’t.  I listened to some of the Democratic debate where candidates Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and that other guy dared to insult the great Donald.  Hillary, that Jezebel, said that Donald was great propaganda for Isis.  And this coming from a woman who had to go pee during the debates – disgusting!  Bernie admitted to having to go pee too.  And as far as . . . the other guy, he didn’t comment on the war on Christmas either, even after jumping up and down for an hour while raising his hand for a chance to speak.  And obviously none of these candidates promoted saying “Merry Christmas” to Muslims before we kick them out of our country.  That should tell you everything you need to know right there.  Donald did not remark on the Reeses Christmas trees, oddly enough, so we’ll have to figure that out ourselves.

Step Three the Third: Poop Trees

Earlier this year, Facebook News told about the Problem of the Trees.  People had taken to social media to protest their Reeses Christmas Trees not looking enough like trees. No, really.

Lucifer's Chocolate

Lucifer’s Chocolate

Thing Two and I braved Mecca on Christmas Eve (or Holiday Eve, am I right?) to get some Reeces Peanut Butter Trees and find out if they looked like Christmas trees or reindeer poops.  We bought a bag (for enough test subjects) and tried them out ourselves along with fellow tester, Thing One.

Exhibit A

Subject already melting. Must proceed quickly.

Subject already melting. Must proceed quickly.

As you can see by our picture, the subject does not resemble a tree.  It doesn’t really resemble a poop either, maybe because I don’t study my poops that much. It actually kinda looks like a space ship, or maybe a bullet, which ought to please anyone!  We decided to try to fix the tree by shaping it with our mouths.

Exhibit B

One bite down. Subject is reportedly "Yummy".

One bite down. Subject is reportedly “Yummy”.

Still doesn’t look like a tree.  We worked diligently on more of the trees.

Experiment complete

Experiment undetermined

In spite of our best efforts (some of the trees were reserved for stockings thus ensuring our survival), we couldn’t make the trees like like REAL Christmas trees, which just proves that Reeses is in on the War Against Christmas.  We would advise you to boycott Reeces by sending us your uneaten Reeses Peanut Butter Trees so that they can be exorcised and exposed of properly.  Just email me to find out where to send your trees.  You’re welcome and Trump bless.

Merry CHRISTMAS.

Alice

Merry Christmas! Have a Boar’s Head!

I was looking for another Christmas post, and realized I hadn’t done my annual making fun of Christmas songs.  So I looked up some on Wikipedia, figuring I’d find a few traditional carols along with standard irritating favorites like Frosty the Freaking Snowman.  Instead I found (along with messages begging me to give to Wikipedia – yeah right) a bunch of supposed songs I had never heard of, songs that were not just annoying but a special kind of weird you can only get from really old songs.  Like really olde.

Here’s a few titles.

Hi, guys!

Hi, guys!

Adam Ley Ybounden” – song from the 15th century which translates to, roughly “Hey Adam, ye boundin’ over to see Jesus?”

Bethlehem Down” – not that old a song, sung in the Anglican church, probably means something important, but I can’t help thinking of football.

The Cherry Tree Carol” – song in which George Washington chops down a cherry tree, and makes up for it by building a manger.  Or something.

“Children Go Where I Send Thee” – To bed.  Go to bed.  Now.

Come Thou Long Expected Jesus” – like I know you’re Jesus, but could you GET here already?

The Friendly Beasts” – Like the cows in the manger?  Chickens?  Wolves?  Squirrels?

Jesus Christ the Apple Tree” – wait, wasn’t He chopped down in that carol earlier?  Oh, that was cherries, now it makes sense.

Past Three O’Clock” – We’re still waiting, Jesus.

But there was one carol that stood out enough for me to actually click on it rather than make up stuff.  Just so you know.  Not made up.

Boar’s Head Carol

Now serving cheese with your boar!

Now with more cheese logs!

It’s got a whole story, guys.   A long, longe tyme ago, like medieval times, those silly Ango-Saxons used to sacrifice a boar to Freyr in ancient Norse tradition and then bring its head into the banquet hall with an apple in its mouth to scare the crap out of their wives!  Just kidding, they ate it.    St. Stephen stole the tradition, on the feast of Stephen I’m guessing, and gave it to King Wenseslas.  Later on we decided that was a lot of trouble and substituted ham instead.  So think of that next Christmas dinner.  If not for our laziness, we could still be eating boar head.

But it gets better.  In more modern times, like 1800s, William Henry Husk, Librarian to the Sacred Harmonic Society (it is my goal in life to become librarian to a scared society of harmonicas), wrote about the tradition.  He said, and I quote whatever the great Wikipedia quoted:

Where an amusing tradition formerly current in Oxford concerning the boar’s head custom, which represented that usage as a commemoration of an act of valour performed by a student of the college, who, while walking in the neighbouring forest of Shotover and reading Aristotle, was suddenly attacked by a wild boar. The furious beast came open-mouthed upon the youth, who, however, very courageously, and with a happy presence of mind, thrust the volume he was reading down the boar’s throat, crying, “Græcum est,”[4] and fairly choked the savage with the sage.

Quick, Harry, throw your potions book at him!

Quick, Harry, throw your potions book at him!

Translated: Some dude forgot to do his homework, and made up an awesome story about choking a boar with his textbook.  Cause what college student hasn’t wanted to do that, especially if he had to read about Aristotle?  I’m not sure I’d have been in a happy presence of mind if a boar attacked me and all I had for defense was a textbook.  On the other hand, if we are talking about an English textbook, then that probably could choke a wild beast.  I’ve had to carry those suckers around, so I know.

What makes this storye (my Olde English professor would have strangled me by now, for soothe) better is that the tradition is still carried on in various parts of the world.  Back to Wikipedia!

Queen’s College celebrates the tradition by three chefs bringing a boar’s head into hall, with a procession of a solo singer who sings the first verse, accompanied by torch bearers and followed by a choir. The procession stops during verses and walks during the chorus. The head is placed on the high table and the Provost distributes the herbs to the choir and the orange from the Boar’s mouth to the solo singer.

There has to be an easier way to get one of these things . . .

There has to be an easier way to get one of these things . . .

You crazy Brits!  But wait, we Yanks do it too – in Ft. Worth, Texas?  Why, yes!  So sayeth Wikipedia “Inaugurated in 1977, this Boar’s Head and Yule Log Festival features a cast of 300 magnificently costumed characters, live animals, orchestra, pipe organ, bell choir and the congregation’s renowned Chancel Choir.”  I gotta say, I share a state with Ft. Worth and have heard about it a lot, but never about the 300 costumed characters, live animals, orchestra, etc.  Wow.  Way to be far out, Ft. Worth!  You can also find celebrations of this in Georgia and Tennessee.  And you thought we Southerners couldn’t get down!

No word on whether these celebrations and processions still celebrate the tradition of tossing a textbook into a wild animal’s mouth, but I really think they should.  It’s not like you get any money back for your books anyway, or like most students even crack them open, so tossing them at an animal would be a lot of fun.  Not to mention goode olde traditional values.

Merry Christmas!

Alice

Breaking News in the Olaf case

You might have thought (or hoped) that we’d forgotten about Olaf (a snowman from the Disney movie Frozen) and all the wackos who have shown up to claim Elsa’s throne, seeing as how none of them are (supposedly) real at all and we are (in theory) way too big to be playing with this stuff.  Except maybe Thing Two, she’s eleven.  When does the statute of limitations run out on doll playing?  No matter.

Queen Elsa decided on the best course of action in this dire situation.  Ask her friends on Facebook.

facebook disney posts 1

Hans took to his Facebook page to express his opinions.

facebook disney posts 2Plenty of squabbling, but no results.  Just like Congress!  The Things and I made a search and found this in Thing Two’s room.

An Elsa voodoo doll? (I did not put her up to this one.)

An Elsa voodoo doll? (I did not put her up to this one.)

And later this image popped up on Anna’s Facebook page.

Elsa's feeling really bad! Those are NOT the lyrics to "Let it Go."

Elsa’s feeling really bad! Those are NOT the lyrics to “Let it Go.”

Along with this status.

facebook disney posts 3Some more investigation finally turned up our wayward snowman.

What is that nose?

What is that nose?

OMG it's Olaf!

Okay this one even freaked ME out.

A little more investigation, though . . .

Hans: Keep quiet and no one gets hurt, snowman!

Hans: Keep quiet and no one gets hurt, snowman!

Hans: Oh oh.

Hans: Oh oh.

Anna posted one more status.

facebook disney posts 4

So ends our Olaf caper for those of you who were on the edge of your seats there.  Wouldn’t it be great if someone could get a shot of, I don’t know, one of our politicians advocating crazy criminal activity?  And if that were to make this politician sink in the polls instead of get more popular?  Wouldn’t it???

I’m gonna go play with my toys.

Alice

 

Jingle Bells, Shotgun Shells!

When I was making my Christmas gift list for yesterday’s post, I came upon a lot of gun-related gift ideas.  Just – really – so many.  I decided to cut most of them out (except that impressive bullet cleaning case for Dad!) and make them into their own post.  Because that’s kind of what we’re into lately.  Either fewer guns to stop violence, or more guns – to – somehow stop violence.  I don’t pretend to understand it.

Nor am I so politically correct that I do not recognize that people are just kinda wired to be violent.  Our caveman brains have us craving the same diet, so why not also have us using the same strategies to fight off enemies?  Like terrorists, or your nosy neighbor?  And using guns that fire 4 billion rounds a second (I’m estimating here) instead of clubs.  Children – and let’s face it, this is mostly a boy thing – love guns.  I remember in the daycare I worked little boys as young as two loved to make “Boodah Boodah” noises while chasing each other with armed fingers.  As per rules, I told them not to play guns.  They were confused, and said “We’re playing Boodah -Boodah.”  It’s just so ingrained they don’t even know what they’re playing, they just ARE.

I have daughters, and they are into dolls.  Okay so the dolls sometimes get violent.  And the stuffed animals (Olaf please come home!)  I have nothing to do with this whatsoever so stop looking at me like that.  But really, who hasn’t had a violent thought at least once a day, like toward traffic, or a bad job, or grass – you know how it is.  The difference is how we choose to act on it.  And whether that action makes us the hero or the villain.  Take this quote from, you guessed it, Facebook News.

The Home Depot: Woman Who Shot at Fleeing Car Gets Sentenced, Says Will ‘Never Help Anybody Again’

I had to read this headline a couple of times. Then click it, of course, because say what?  Apparently someone tried to shoplift items from a Home Depot but a Concerned Citizen with a Concealed Handgun Permit decided to save the day.  By firing at the car as it drove away.  In the parking lot of a busy store.  She seemed very confused as to why she was being “punished” for this by getting, I’m not kidding, 18 months probation and her gun license taken away.  The idea that shoplifting is not, in fact, punishable by death in this country did not seem to occur to her.  Or that she might have hit completely innocent bystanders while firing off her weapon like she was Rambo of the suburbs.  Nope, she’s just not going to try to help anyone again!  Well, I certainly hope not.  But I have some great gift ideas for you, lady.  And all your wacky friends!  (Click to enlarge and see all the wackiness in these products.)

  1. The Gun Mug
For that suicidal coffee drinker!

For that suicidal coffee drinker!

I’m not sure if they thought this gift out very well. Unless you are planning on letting your friend drink from your gun while you hold it, then you are pointing the gun at your own nose while drinking. I do like the description though – “Enter your model number above to make sure this fits.” Fits what? Your finger? Is finger size a problem? Also “Fun pistol shape for adds excitement to a beverage.” I sure am excited and having the funs drinking from this gun mug! Don’t try this with real guns – either pointing them at your nose or drinking coffee from them. We might need a warning placed on this mug.

2. Grandpa Has a Gun T-Shirt

I don't . . . even . . . wow.

I don’t . . . even . . . wow.

I’m not sure what part of this disturbs me the most – the fact that Grandpa is planning to kill someone (hint: you might give him the coffee cup if he’s a little senile for safety) or the fact that it says “pretty granddaughters.” That ups the creep to maximum ick levels guys. I mean, are we implying that he’ll just shoot anyone because he has a pretty granddaughter, or is this is the old “treat my girl right or I kill ya boy” gag that is such a riot?  And what if his granddaughter isn’t pretty?  Will he just stick with a steak knife?   Who knows?  At least you can rest assured it’s printed in the US of A, people.

3. Gun Cylinder Pencil Holder

Goes great with the gun mug for that wacky coworker!

Goes great with the gun mug for that wacky coworker!

Are your pens locked and loaded?  Haha! This pen holder is clearly a necessity for the office, because it not only got 62 positive reviews, but is actually back-ordered.  No, really!  While it might seem a bit gauche to some, I think it serves a very clear purpose.  If your coworker has this and the gun mug on his desk, take proper precautions.  Like a new job.

4. Warning For Not Warning Sign

I like the stylish gunshot holes - it adds pizzazz!

I like the gunshot holes – they add pizzazz!

So this person is unhappy with rising prices of ammunition (did they shop at Home Depot?) and decided to put up a sign warning people that they would not give a warning shot if they fire on them.  Thanks – for the warning?  I love the bullet holes, which are supposed to be stylish, yet just confirm that people took your sign so seriously they fired on it.  Oh, the irony!  Good for indoors and out, and naturally made in the USA!

5. Shotgun Shell Pocket Knife

For those who just can't decide what they want to kill with!

For those who just can’t decide what they want to kill with!

Sometimes people have to make hard choices.  Like do you carry the blue purse or the green purse?  Or the knife or the gun?  Well now you don’t have to choose because you can have both!  It’s not a real shell, but it has the actual size and feel of real shell, and that’s what’s important.  Now it they really wanted it to be handy, you could also load this into a gun, like in James Bond.  I bet someone is working on that now.  I love my country.  Available in multiple colors!

Well, there were so many more good ones I wanted to add – like the Four Piece 12 Gauge Shotgun Shell Coaster Set W/ Base for that gun lover who also likes to entertain (they should hang that warning sign up over the dinner table for added ambiance!), but I ran out of room so I’ll call it a post.  Merry Christmas, Amuricans, and please try not to shoot Santa before you get your gifts.

Alice out.

 

Top Christmas Gifts for the Whole Family 2015!

Christmas is getting closer, like the Polar Express blazing right at you at 90 miles per hour with that freakish computer-animated Tom Hanks shouting out the window “I can’t stop it!  Run! Only 11 days till Christmas!”  Do you have your gifts bought or were you wasting time both being sick and whining about it?  Have you been hiding a homicidal snowman?  If so, please let me know, because we’ve lost him again.  He might have escaped the house.

But I promised a gift list, and unlike my other promises I’ll deliver this time!  (Click to Enlarge Pictures)

Gifts For Dad

What to get for the guy who hates everything and half the time leaves the shrink wrap on the gifts and never says thank you?  It’s a toughie.  But I did some digging and found some great ideas for that special Dad on your list.

Also makes a great mantle piece!

Also makes a great mantle piece!

What to say about this gift?  Just – so much!  As it says, it comes with everything needed to clean Dad’s guns including 3 brass rods, 2 brass adapters, and a bottle for your gun oilll!  And the container is so multipurpose you know, cause it’s shaped like a bullet, but also – like – well – um – a suppository!  Yes, that’s it!  Please don’t use let him use it as one!   Also be sure Fido is out of the way and he remembered to unload the gun first.  I think these instructions should be on every gun cleaning device – including cartoon pictures so people will actually read it.

Gifts for Mom

What about mom?  You know, the woman who sacrificed all her hopes, dreams, and desires that you might live and go on that stupid ski trip?  Well, look no further, we’ve found just the thing!

Timeless gift to treasure! Even Jewel loves it!

Timeless gift to treasure! Even Jewel loves it!

This is a MUST for the holidays, because we want Mom to be happy, and every woman I see in those Swiffer commercials is unbelievably happy.  Just look at them gliding around and exclaiming how amazing this mop is!  There has to be something I’m missing in this thing, like maybe the refill cloths are laced with something, because I think they’re high – or possibly just transported back to the 1950s.

Just think - Grandma had to use a regular mop - in high heels!

Just think – Grandma had to use a regular mop – in high heels!

Gifts for Grandma

Speaking of Grandma, what to give to that special lady that spoils you rotten – or your kids rotten?  Well you could be boring and give her yet another mug saying “World’s Best Grandma” or you could get something both fun and practical.  This guide, disguised as a children’s book, will help her prepare for when she’s too feeble to do anything on her own, and must depend on her children and grandchildren!

Here's what to expect from the future. grandma!

Here’s what to expect from the future, Grandma!

There are some great tips in this book such as “How to keep grandma busy”, “Things to do at the park”, and “Possible places to sleep.”  Grandmas should study this while they still have time, and make sure to mark some stuff in their wills.  Like – do not keep Grandma busy by pushing her at mach speed through the park then dumping her on a park bench for the night.  Always be prepared, for children are evil!

Gifts for Grandpa

Grandpas also need gifts that say “Preparedness”, “Practicality” and “Pain.”  Because while he might be able to run and play now, he won’t forever, so here’s a great gift idea.

Also makes a great Father's Day gift.

Also makes a great Father’s Day gift!  For Grandpa!

Yeah, I looked up “gifts for Grandpa” and this was the first thing to come up.  Well after the Obama toilet paper (seriously).  But this will last him so much longer.  Just put it around his neck, and squeeze it!  Kids will delight in applying traction to Grandpa.  Fun for the whole family.

Gifts for Kids

What to get those sugar-fueled, obnoxious little twerps – er, angel children in your life?   Need something that fulfills the need for children to get exercise in a dangerous, yet also politically incorrect way?  Then you’re surely in the market for our next gift!

Weeee, crash, OMG!

Weeee, pop, crash, OMG!

This is an ingenious idea, and I’d love to have one for myself.  It would be handy for those trips to Wal-Mart during the Christmas season.  Kids will like it too!  Check out the commercial to see just how exciting this toy can be!  Watch the girl’s neck flop backwards and slam into the floor.  She might need to borrow Grandpa’s traction device!

Sad that adults can’t use these too?  Well immature ones can!  If you’re bored, you can watch some.  I’m glad I did.

Gifts for Teens

This first one is a great one for kids who are so socially inept they don’t know how to get in trouble without a book.

weird gifts for teen girls

Now how do I get that kegger again – oh yeah, the book!

Sounds great, doesn’t it?  Who hasn’t spent hours in high school hosting film festivals, going on road trips, writing (Communist?) manifestos, or shutting down house parties before the police arrive?  Yeah, uh, books are dangerous.  Best to stick with tried and true.

You won't see him for weeks!

The ultimate care package at a great price!

This is an awesome idea because everyone knows teens do not want to be interrupted to do such things as go to the kitchen for Nutter Butters.  One reviewer complained that she could have gotten all of this from Wal-Mart for around fifteen bucks (including the gift card) but hey, you might have to get out of your chair for that, and you are busy on Facebook.   It would be even handier if the coke can could also be used for pee, thus eliminating bathroom breaks.  Remember what’s most important – you could be rid of your teen for days!

And last but not least . . .

Gifts For Rover

We can’t forget the family dog who, judging by recent commercials, we feed better quality food to than we do ourselves.  No preservatives for my doggie, even if he does lick his bum!  But besides food, what do you think your cuddly best friend would want for Christmas?

I like how uneasy the fish looks.

I like how uneasy the fish looks.

This is a great toy, as the man in the review (look it up on Amazon – it’s weird) demonstrates.  The dog plays with the toy and finds egg squeakers inside it.  So it rips them out one by one, squeaking with delight while the fish, penguin, or whichever unfortunate egg-laying animal you use lays helpless, watching its young get eaten by a dog.  Like wild kingdom right in your own home!

Happy Shopping!

Alice

Sick – YOU WIN.

Edit 12 /16 / 2015. 

This is not my usual fare of goofiness.  There is a lot of anger and some wordy durds in here.  I first considered deleting the post, but I think I will leave it even though it embarrasses me.  Because I want anyone who reads here to know that everyone, even the funny ones, have times when they just want to beat the wall and scream.  This post makes me uncomfortable, for I am used to my humor defense mechanism.  But maybe sometimes we should be uncomfortable.

I am getting to the end (I hope) of another round of the horrible stomach bug from HELL.  And it is hard to think of funny stuff right now.  Want a good Christmas special?  I have visions of mucus and vomit and poop and sadness and asthma and anxiety dancing in my head!  I’m sure they would all look very pretty done up cartoon style in an ad for medicine to treat all this shit.  Oh PLEASE show me more of the Mucus family.  I fucking miss them so much.

I quit.  That’s it, I quit. I give up.  You win Sick.  YOU FUCKING WIN.  What more can I do?  How much more can you continue to stomp on me?  What the hell have I DONE?  Really?  I mean, here I am, Miss Agnostic, and right now I seem to believe more in Hell than in Heaven.  And I know – I know there are so many people who have it worse.  But the thing is – there are people who have it better!  There are people who are like never sick, maybe once a year. There are people who have saved up so much sick and vacation leave they have to take weeks off each year because of it.  I just love these people when they talk about this.  I love them soooooo much I want to squeeze and squeeze and squeeeeeeze them.  Nevermind that I have not had an actual vacation day that wasn’t spent sick.  Nevermind that I have missed over 100 hours without pay in the last few months.  I haven’t really felt that well since before 2012.  But hey, please do brag about all your sick leave you assholes!  I love it when you do that!

I’m tired.  I’m tired of being tired.  Of being exhausted.  Of having one illness after another so that it starts to look like I’m crazy.  I’m tired of doctors thinking I am fucking crazy.  Guess what? It’s not always in your stomach.  Sometimes it’s in your gall bladder.  But hey, take it out, you’ll feel better!  For like a day or two!  Then you’ll go right back to where you were. But that’s okay if you’re sick, not like you have anything else to do but get better OH WAIT.  Yes you do. You have two kids.  Now have fun missing things with them, like Thanksgiving, and their band concert, and who knows what else.  Have no idea of what is going on in the rest of the living world because you’ve been in bed for days feeling like death.  Feel better for a while only to have the depression and anxiety crawl in and remind you that you will probably be fired.  Or that you wont’ be fired, and you’ll keep having to fucking work while still dealing with this.  Remember that you’ll have no money without a job.  Remember that your marriage  – remember marriage?  Was there some sort of intimacy there once?  Who knows?  I can’t remember!

Is this Cancer?  No, thank God, not yet – and I say yet because I”m fairly certain if I live long enough that yes I will get it because I get fucking everything.  I mean – honestly – would it be too much to ask to have a little time, while I’m still young, not feeling so horrible?  Would it?  Would it be so bad if I didn’t have to take 10 different pills a day?  Or, HELL, I’m fine with taking pills, with seeing doctors, with dealing with this asthma and depression and anxiety on top of family, a job, a house that is – I’m not kidding – so very bad.  SO BAD it’s absolutely disgusting because when you are an adult and you are sick, no one takes care of you – and they sure as hell don’t help clean up for you.  Just please – not the stomach shit too. Please stop that.  Please stop adding it on.

I am angry.  So angry I can’t even think or type (obviously) clearly.  And yes I am feeling sorry for myself – so freaking sorry for myself. Because all I want for Christmas is to feel like a human and to do human stuff.  I am so desperate to feel well I would watch six straight hours of Donald Trump word vomiting all over the place.   Or worse, of Fox News.  Yes, Fox News and Trump.  I don’t care anymore.  Whatever it takes.

Honestly – I do not know what to do. I  don’t expect anyone else to have answers either.  But – I don’t know how much longer I can do this.  I really don’t.  If you feel at the end of your rope, and that you are the only one, you aren’t.  I’m there too.  And I’m scared.

I don’t know how much longer I can take all of this at once.  But what do I drop?  My kids?  No.  My job?  That’s like dropping kids cause money.  My house?  Dropped.  Oh dear God dropped.  So what else is left?

I don’t know if I can do this much longer.  I truly don’t.  I will, I guess, because I have to.  But I wish I didn’t.  I wish I didn’t.

I wish I didn’t.  I’m sorry for this.  I’ll probably take it down.  But right now – if anyone has advice, please give it.

 

Alice

Snowman Violence and Disney Politics

The search for the fugitive Snowman Olaf continues.  He was spotted briefly in this recliner before making his escape.

His rampage must be stopped.

His rampage must be stopped.

Unfortunately the snowman crime wave has led to Disney politicians tweeting.

elsa hans tweets1

Clearly this is Queen Elsa’s fault

And more tweeting

pocahontas hans tweets1

Hans forgot and used a picture from a party with campaign donors

And . . . more tweeting.

aladdin hans tweet

Making sense won’t win an election, Aladdin.

 

Prince Hans also took this opportunity to put up the first of sure to be many campaign posters.

It looks familiar some how.

It looks familiar somehow.

And just in time for Christmas.  This is going to be a very long year.

Alice

Friend Me!

I just found out from Faith that my Alice Facebook page is still up, and possibly getting more action than my current page under my real name.  This is not all that surprising considering I think I had more fans when I was also a squirrel and a sad pony on Facebook.  Yes, I did these things.  Shut up.

Anyway, I wanted to shut down the Alice page, but then I wasn’t sure HOW to, since I no longer remembered either my user name or my password and they want one of those.  They also asked for names of friends (as collateral?) and I put some in, but they didn’t recognize them, so I guess you guys who know my secret identity do not exist?  Or maybe you are in the Contact Security Program.

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

What AM I sharing with friends?

So I got desperate, found my page, and decided to Friend myself.  Cause I could totally gain access to myself that way if Alice and I were friends.

what cat

Yeah that’s not how it works.  That’s now how any of this works.

So for now Alice is still out there, should you care to visit.  I no longer have any control over what she says, though, so try at your own risk.

Any ideas on how to get rid of an account you don’t know how to get into anymore?

Alice

P.S. Alice hasn’t friended me back.  What a jerk.

Update: Suspect Olaf Found!

We found him trying to scale the wall – or, um cabinet.

Busted, Olaf.

Busted, Olaf.

This actually happened after Olaf was found the first time.   Thing Two found him squashed in a corner of the entertainment center.  She swears she didn’t put him there.  But neither did Thing One, Mr. Alice, or me.  So either one of us is lying, or Olaf really did make it from the freezer to the entertainment center a few feet away BY HIMSELF.

I’m not going to think about this further.

After this incident, my husband decided he wanted to help hide Olaf as well.  That’s how he ended up so high up.  We think.  But one of the Things spotted him anyway, before he could make his grand escape over the cabinet door – which left him squashed as that was not, in fact, an exit point.  Olaf may be a bit psycho, but he’s not all that bright.

Speaking of psychos, Prince Hans has still decided to carry out his presidential ruler campaign, certain he can unseat the reigning ruler of Arendelle, Elsa, who is rather unstable herself.  But he’s not the only one.  There’s more.  The Mad Hatter was feeling bored, and figured this was a perfect time to run because why not?  Then we got more Republican candidates: Ursula (they’ve got to have one crazy woman), Jafar (Former crooked Vizier to Jasmine’s Dad), that freaky Voodoo guy from the Princess and the Frog who is possibly Satan, the pug from the movie Pocahontas, etc.  Speaking of Pocahontas, she is currently running for the Green Party, because someone must stand up for the rocks, and trees, the creatures and the wind.  Aladdin is running on the Democratic ticket and stands a good chance because he grew up poor, is really cute, and lies a lot.

Pocahontas: She speaks for the trees.

Pocahontas: She speaks for the trees.

Think Ann Coulter, with tentacles

Ursula:  Think Ann Coulter, with tentacles

Aladdin: Identifies with the common street rat.

Aladdin: Identifies with the common street rat.

This reminds me of something, but I’m not sure what.

One of you might have remembered that some of these guys were taking part in the Hunger Games earlier.  Well, it got cancelled, which is a good thing for everyone but Snow White, who remains headless.

If you have any suggestions for write-in candidates, do let us know.  And we’ll continue to hide Olaf, for he – has already escaped again.  They never did repair that cell Elsa busted open earlier.  Oops.

Alice