Edit 12 /16 / 2015.
This is not my usual fare of goofiness. There is a lot of anger and some wordy durds in here. I first considered deleting the post, but I think I will leave it even though it embarrasses me. Because I want anyone who reads here to know that everyone, even the funny ones, have times when they just want to beat the wall and scream. This post makes me uncomfortable, for I am used to my humor defense mechanism. But maybe sometimes we should be uncomfortable.
I am getting to the end (I hope) of another round of the horrible stomach bug from HELL. And it is hard to think of funny stuff right now. Want a good Christmas special? I have visions of mucus and vomit and poop and sadness and asthma and anxiety dancing in my head! I’m sure they would all look very pretty done up cartoon style in an ad for medicine to treat all this shit. Oh PLEASE show me more of the Mucus family. I fucking miss them so much.
I quit. That’s it, I quit. I give up. You win Sick. YOU FUCKING WIN. What more can I do? How much more can you continue to stomp on me? What the hell have I DONE? Really? I mean, here I am, Miss Agnostic, and right now I seem to believe more in Hell than in Heaven. And I know – I know there are so many people who have it worse. But the thing is – there are people who have it better! There are people who are like never sick, maybe once a year. There are people who have saved up so much sick and vacation leave they have to take weeks off each year because of it. I just love these people when they talk about this. I love them soooooo much I want to squeeze and squeeze and squeeeeeeze them. Nevermind that I have not had an actual vacation day that wasn’t spent sick. Nevermind that I have missed over 100 hours without pay in the last few months. I haven’t really felt that well since before 2012. But hey, please do brag about all your sick leave you assholes! I love it when you do that!
I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. Of being exhausted. Of having one illness after another so that it starts to look like I’m crazy. I’m tired of doctors thinking I am fucking crazy. Guess what? It’s not always in your stomach. Sometimes it’s in your gall bladder. But hey, take it out, you’ll feel better! For like a day or two! Then you’ll go right back to where you were. But that’s okay if you’re sick, not like you have anything else to do but get better OH WAIT. Yes you do. You have two kids. Now have fun missing things with them, like Thanksgiving, and their band concert, and who knows what else. Have no idea of what is going on in the rest of the living world because you’ve been in bed for days feeling like death. Feel better for a while only to have the depression and anxiety crawl in and remind you that you will probably be fired. Or that you wont’ be fired, and you’ll keep having to fucking work while still dealing with this. Remember that you’ll have no money without a job. Remember that your marriage – remember marriage? Was there some sort of intimacy there once? Who knows? I can’t remember!
Is this Cancer? No, thank God, not yet – and I say yet because I”m fairly certain if I live long enough that yes I will get it because I get fucking everything. I mean – honestly – would it be too much to ask to have a little time, while I’m still young, not feeling so horrible? Would it? Would it be so bad if I didn’t have to take 10 different pills a day? Or, HELL, I’m fine with taking pills, with seeing doctors, with dealing with this asthma and depression and anxiety on top of family, a job, a house that is – I’m not kidding – so very bad. SO BAD it’s absolutely disgusting because when you are an adult and you are sick, no one takes care of you – and they sure as hell don’t help clean up for you. Just please – not the stomach shit too. Please stop that. Please stop adding it on.
I am angry. So angry I can’t even think or type (obviously) clearly. And yes I am feeling sorry for myself – so freaking sorry for myself. Because all I want for Christmas is to feel like a human and to do human stuff. I am so desperate to feel well I would watch six straight hours of Donald Trump word vomiting all over the place. Or worse, of Fox News. Yes, Fox News and Trump. I don’t care anymore. Whatever it takes.
Honestly – I do not know what to do. I don’t expect anyone else to have answers either. But – I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I really don’t. If you feel at the end of your rope, and that you are the only one, you aren’t. I’m there too. And I’m scared.
I don’t know how much longer I can take all of this at once. But what do I drop? My kids? No. My job? That’s like dropping kids cause money. My house? Dropped. Oh dear God dropped. So what else is left?
I don’t know if I can do this much longer. I truly don’t. I will, I guess, because I have to. But I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t.
I wish I didn’t. I’m sorry for this. I’ll probably take it down. But right now – if anyone has advice, please give it.