Jingle Bells, Shotgun Shells!

When I was making my Christmas gift list for yesterday’s post, I came upon a lot of gun-related gift ideas.  Just – really – so many.  I decided to cut most of them out (except that impressive bullet cleaning case for Dad!) and make them into their own post.  Because that’s kind of what we’re into lately.  Either fewer guns to stop violence, or more guns – to – somehow stop violence.  I don’t pretend to understand it.

Nor am I so politically correct that I do not recognize that people are just kinda wired to be violent.  Our caveman brains have us craving the same diet, so why not also have us using the same strategies to fight off enemies?  Like terrorists, or your nosy neighbor?  And using guns that fire 4 billion rounds a second (I’m estimating here) instead of clubs.  Children – and let’s face it, this is mostly a boy thing – love guns.  I remember in the daycare I worked little boys as young as two loved to make “Boodah Boodah” noises while chasing each other with armed fingers.  As per rules, I told them not to play guns.  They were confused, and said “We’re playing Boodah -Boodah.”  It’s just so ingrained they don’t even know what they’re playing, they just ARE.

I have daughters, and they are into dolls.  Okay so the dolls sometimes get violent.  And the stuffed animals (Olaf please come home!)  I have nothing to do with this whatsoever so stop looking at me like that.  But really, who hasn’t had a violent thought at least once a day, like toward traffic, or a bad job, or grass – you know how it is.  The difference is how we choose to act on it.  And whether that action makes us the hero or the villain.  Take this quote from, you guessed it, Facebook News.

The Home Depot: Woman Who Shot at Fleeing Car Gets Sentenced, Says Will ‘Never Help Anybody Again’

I had to read this headline a couple of times. Then click it, of course, because say what?  Apparently someone tried to shoplift items from a Home Depot but a Concerned Citizen with a Concealed Handgun Permit decided to save the day.  By firing at the car as it drove away.  In the parking lot of a busy store.  She seemed very confused as to why she was being “punished” for this by getting, I’m not kidding, 18 months probation and her gun license taken away.  The idea that shoplifting is not, in fact, punishable by death in this country did not seem to occur to her.  Or that she might have hit completely innocent bystanders while firing off her weapon like she was Rambo of the suburbs.  Nope, she’s just not going to try to help anyone again!  Well, I certainly hope not.  But I have some great gift ideas for you, lady.  And all your wacky friends!  (Click to enlarge and see all the wackiness in these products.)

  1. The Gun Mug
For that suicidal coffee drinker!

For that suicidal coffee drinker!

I’m not sure if they thought this gift out very well. Unless you are planning on letting your friend drink from your gun while you hold it, then you are pointing the gun at your own nose while drinking. I do like the description though – “Enter your model number above to make sure this fits.” Fits what? Your finger? Is finger size a problem? Also “Fun pistol shape for adds excitement to a beverage.” I sure am excited and having the funs drinking from this gun mug! Don’t try this with real guns – either pointing them at your nose or drinking coffee from them. We might need a warning placed on this mug.

2. Grandpa Has a Gun T-Shirt

I don't . . . even . . . wow.

I don’t . . . even . . . wow.

I’m not sure what part of this disturbs me the most – the fact that Grandpa is planning to kill someone (hint: you might give him the coffee cup if he’s a little senile for safety) or the fact that it says “pretty granddaughters.” That ups the creep to maximum ick levels guys. I mean, are we implying that he’ll just shoot anyone because he has a pretty granddaughter, or is this is the old “treat my girl right or I kill ya boy” gag that is such a riot?  And what if his granddaughter isn’t pretty?  Will he just stick with a steak knife?   Who knows?  At least you can rest assured it’s printed in the US of A, people.

3. Gun Cylinder Pencil Holder

Goes great with the gun mug for that wacky coworker!

Goes great with the gun mug for that wacky coworker!

Are your pens locked and loaded?  Haha! This pen holder is clearly a necessity for the office, because it not only got 62 positive reviews, but is actually back-ordered.  No, really!  While it might seem a bit gauche to some, I think it serves a very clear purpose.  If your coworker has this and the gun mug on his desk, take proper precautions.  Like a new job.

4. Warning For Not Warning Sign

I like the stylish gunshot holes - it adds pizzazz!

I like the gunshot holes – they add pizzazz!

So this person is unhappy with rising prices of ammunition (did they shop at Home Depot?) and decided to put up a sign warning people that they would not give a warning shot if they fire on them.  Thanks – for the warning?  I love the bullet holes, which are supposed to be stylish, yet just confirm that people took your sign so seriously they fired on it.  Oh, the irony!  Good for indoors and out, and naturally made in the USA!

5. Shotgun Shell Pocket Knife

For those who just can't decide what they want to kill with!

For those who just can’t decide what they want to kill with!

Sometimes people have to make hard choices.  Like do you carry the blue purse or the green purse?  Or the knife or the gun?  Well now you don’t have to choose because you can have both!  It’s not a real shell, but it has the actual size and feel of real shell, and that’s what’s important.  Now it they really wanted it to be handy, you could also load this into a gun, like in James Bond.  I bet someone is working on that now.  I love my country.  Available in multiple colors!

Well, there were so many more good ones I wanted to add – like the Four Piece 12 Gauge Shotgun Shell Coaster Set W/ Base for that gun lover who also likes to entertain (they should hang that warning sign up over the dinner table for added ambiance!), but I ran out of room so I’ll call it a post.  Merry Christmas, Amuricans, and please try not to shoot Santa before you get your gifts.

Alice out.

 

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21 responses

  1. That T-shirt really exists?

    1. Shocking, but true. Just like Trump exists. I try to pretend it’s all a very bad dream.

  2. the pocket knife is a bargain… it was 11.99 once wow? I don’t need it but I love bargains… think I order a dozen… or two?

    1. I am the same way with bargains, no matter how useless it is. At that price those bullet knives would make awesome stocking stuffers!

  3. Yeah, shooting Santa would be a bad idea. Assuming he’s not been knifed on his way through the UK first. Or blown up by a suicide bomber somewhere in Europe.

    It’s got to be tough to be the man in red this year.

    1. At least we know Santa is white and not Islamic! Thanks, Megyn at Fox News!

      1. He did live in Turkey, though.

        1. Santa? No way. He is snowy white. Just like Jesus. Fox News said so! Did you read the post where I talked about that? You can google the video probably – they actually had a Fox news cast where this Megyn Kelly said Santa and Jesus were white, it was a verifiable fact. Unbelievable.

    1. Truly. And that’s not even all of them. On the plus side, they also sell Donald Trump toilet paper. Tempting.

  4. “And what if his granddaughter isn’t pretty? Will he just stick with a steak knife?”—Ha!

    These are hilarious and sad at the same time. As for the woman who shot at the shoplifter’s car? Oh yes, I feel SO much safer with her around.

    1. Yes, Wonder Woman’s crime fighting days are over – unless she finds her old “truth-telling whip” or that invisible plane. Comic books make more sense than ever these days.

  5. I wonder if the handgun mug can be made with Rainbow Donkey on it. That would be totally cool…

    1. Don’t forget the wife and kids! A Sparkly pony would be a perfect touch.

  6. This gun cylinder pencil holder only holds six pencils. Do they sell a high-capacity pencil holder?

    1. They really should. Because how else will all the good people have all the pencils instead of the bad guys?

      1. Seriously. I often have 15 rapid-fire brilliant ideas at once and would need at least that many pencils handy. Clearly this manufacturer has not thought this through properly.

        1. Exactly! There should be some kind of machine gun pencil holder that puts out more rounds of pencils a second. Like maybe one that holds 100 of the suckers. Also remember to keep packing – concealed pencils are still lawful – for now.

  7. I was watching It’s a Wonderful Life the other night (my favorite Christmas movie and right up there for all types of movies) and couldn’t help noticing that Bert the Cop drew his gun and fired at the fleeing Jimmy Stewart, right through the crowded streets of Bedford Falls. But then I realized that the town was now called Pottersville and it was all bars and hoochie-girl joints, so the need for gun violence made more sense.

    1. I adore Jimmy Stewart, but don’t know if my not being here would completely change my town into a bunch of bars and hoochie-girl joints, though it’d be an interesting change from it being all banks, churches, and stores selling booze.

      At least Bert was a cop who as we all know are definitely more responsible about . . . well . . . did Jimmy have a juice box on him? Cause then it’d be justifiable.

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