I’m not sure if you guys realized it or not, being the sheltered types you are, but there is a WAR going on and it’s going on in our stores, our workplaces, even – if you happen to know or be related to a pinko commie – in our HOMES! That’s right. Forget all that Middle East crap. We are talking about a war on CHRISTMAS, people. It’s like a war on AMURICA itself. Or possibly just a war on CAPS LOCK.
No, no, it’s war – can’t you see it? PCs droppin’ everywhere! Don’t believe me? Well, then listen to the experts, like those on Fox News, or save your soul and just listen to me.
Remember last year when Megyn Kelly from Fox News informed us Santa was white and so was Jesus? Or how I will never, ever let her or anyone else forget that she said that? Right, well, I decided to do my own research to prove that there is a war on Christmas in this country. I took three steps.
- Find out how many times someone said “Merry Christmas” vs the satanic “Happy Holidays” and whether the Merry Christmas wishers were beaten and flogged for disobeying the government PC police.
- Try to understand what Donald Trump (our great leader) is saying on this and other important topics.
- Sample Reeses Peanut Butter Christmas trees to see if they really look like trees or poop.
Step One the First: Season’s Greetings
In the last few days I have been counting the number of times someone has wished me well with something other than a shopping cart or well-placed elbow. Here is my handy chart with a rough approximation.
Said Merry Christmas: 30ish
Said Happy Holidays (or some form of this): 0
Number of times person saying Merry Christmas was beaten, flogged, thrown in prison, etc: 0
I think I’ve proved my point. We have rebels out on the streets, folks, risking their lives. They’ve just been LUCKY, that’s all.
Step Two the Second: Out of the Pie Hole of Donald
I listened to Donald Trump. Okay, no, I really didn’t. I listened to some of the Democratic debate where candidates Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and that other guy dared to insult the great Donald. Hillary, that Jezebel, said that Donald was great propaganda for Isis. And this coming from a woman who had to go pee during the debates – disgusting! Bernie admitted to having to go pee too. And as far as . . . the other guy, he didn’t comment on the war on Christmas either, even after jumping up and down for an hour while raising his hand for a chance to speak. And obviously none of these candidates promoted saying “Merry Christmas” to Muslims before we kick them out of our country. That should tell you everything you need to know right there. Donald did not remark on the Reeses Christmas trees, oddly enough, so we’ll have to figure that out ourselves.
Step Three the Third: Poop Trees
Earlier this year, Facebook News told about the Problem of the Trees. People had taken to social media to protest their Reeses Christmas Trees not looking enough like trees. No, really.
Thing Two and I braved Mecca on Christmas Eve (or Holiday Eve, am I right?) to get some Reeces Peanut Butter Trees and find out if they looked like Christmas trees or reindeer poops. We bought a bag (for enough test subjects) and tried them out ourselves along with fellow tester, Thing One.
As you can see by our picture, the subject does not resemble a tree. It doesn’t really resemble a poop either, maybe because I don’t study my poops that much. It actually kinda looks like a space ship, or maybe a bullet, which ought to please anyone! We decided to try to fix the tree by shaping it with our mouths.
Still doesn’t look like a tree. We worked diligently on more of the trees.
In spite of our best efforts (some of the trees were reserved for stockings thus ensuring our survival), we couldn’t make the trees like like REAL Christmas trees, which just proves that Reeses is in on the War Against Christmas. We would advise you to boycott Reeces by sending us your uneaten Reeses Peanut Butter Trees so that they can be exorcised and exposed of properly. Just email me to find out where to send your trees. You’re welcome and Trump bless.