I can’t believe I missed it! Goldfish has a holiday celebrating unicorns, and it was yesterday, and I didn’t dress up with stilts or wear horns or make magical wishes! It’s a shame so few know of this holiday, because not enough people respect unicorns. Some people say they were left behind because they missed the ark while playing. Look, unicorns may be playful, but they aren’t stupid. They probably used their horns to toss off a couple of oogga boogitys (lost forever thanks the flood which is why we have never heard of them) and got right on board, their sparkly-ness guiding the way. Unless you don’t believe there was an ark, in which case unicorns evolved from horses and goats and glitter.
Unicorns are special because they fart rainbows. And they are all different colors, with long flowing hair, and they don’t seem to mind when you cut it, though don’t leave your fingers hanging over the bed at night, children. Also – sparkle. I created a Sparkle Pony a while ago, by slogging glitter onto an unsuspecting My Little Pony – one of the older ones before they took the Slimfast challenge. Then I had a contest and Evil Squirrel won her and she married Rainbow Donkey and they had adorable mutant spawn together. I’m not making that up. Don’t you just love a happy ending?
By the way, I still offer the “Yes I Am a Sparkle Pony” badge in my side bar should anyone, for some reason, want it. There doesn’t seem to be such a big deal about getting pressed by WordPress anymore (do they even do pressing?) so I think the next step is to just give each other unicorns and sparkle pony badges randomly. It works about the same as the Freshly Pressed system, anyway.
I’ve always loved unicorns because I love to live in a fantasy world of my own making, and would stay there if only work insisted I not use the “But I am a princess who must care for her sick unicorn” excuse. As a child, I used to have one of those Lisa Frank trapper keepers with neon unicorns and pegasuses (pegasi?) glowing with radioactive power. And I had My Little Pony, some of whom were not just ponies, but unicorns. And some were really confused because they were unicorns, ponies, AND pegasi. Talk about identity crisis. One must wonder about the mating process on that one too. That is, if one thought about that kind of stuff. Or about how unicorns poop.
Mmmm, ice cream! You know you’re old when you think “Hey maybe I should get one of those.”
Anyway, I’m still gonna help promote GF’s Unicorn Appreciation Day (when will the government give us a day off for this?) because someone has to think of the unicorns. There is enough cynicism and disbelief in this world!
Now I’ll make my three magical wishes (I hope they still work):
- I need more Coke to supplement my habit. That would be Coca-Cola, not crack cocaine. That’s only for really special occasions, like when the Pope comes over.
- I want to feel better, so that the doctor’s office is no longer that place where “Everybody knows my name”.
- A buttload of glitter. So I can put it in envelopes and send them off as campaign contributions to politicians I don’t like. Or just to people I don’t like period. They will never, ever get it all off. Thanks, unicorns!
Somehow I know there are more wishes that would be better, like wishing for more wishes (I wish Robin Williams was back so he could say ixnay on the wishing for more wishes). I also want everyone to feel better, except a few people who need to blow up. But mostly everyone.
Happy Unicorn Appreciation Day! Hug a unicorn today! And go to Goldfish’s redbubble shop and buy unicorn stickers! She even sold a onesie with Squirrel on it! I hope the lady who ordered it wants a manic child.
P.S. RIP to David Bowie, who truly understood the value of sparkle. I miss him.