F.H.P.

The other day I had this burning issue that needed to be addressed.  By pharmaceuticals.  I think most women (and some men!) have experienced this.  Yup it was one of those.  Those things that have to do with, uh, bread rising.  And – boo boos.  Down “there”.  So I went to the dollar store to find some medicine.

They have it all at the dollar store.

They have it all at the dollar store.

What?  This is very common.  It’s as common as sanitary napkins.  That’s what they call the things women use for their punctuation marks if they get them out of a dispenser in the women’s restroom.  It sounds better than pad.  Or “diva cup” which I will not go into again.  For brevity’s sake, we can call them F.H.P. or Feminine Hygiene Products.  Anyone uncomfortable yet?  Good!

So, like, I searched the shelves and couldn’t find what I was looking for, though I did find plenty of other things.  Like douche.  No, actual douche, not the mean word you call people. They still sell it.  Why?  Doesn’t everyone know you aren’t supposed to smell like lavender down “there”?  It can mess up your flora and fauna and merriweather and ain’t nobody got time for that.  Antibiotics can do that too.  Which was why I had the problem with the bread dough and the owie.

Did I remember to strip my "down there" with chemicals today?

Did I remember to strip my “down there” with chemicals today?

They also had petroleum jelly which I still find hilarious because they try to call it Vaseline so that people won’t realize it comes from oil products.  All on account of someone one day rubbing oil on their wound.  Yeah, seriously, I saw it on a history show on the Travel Channel.  Also they had K-Y jelly.  Do not mix up these two.  Also do not use the K-Y that is “warming”.  If by warming they mean fire, then sure, but I don’t recommend it.

I should have eaten yogurt, which has live bacteria in it, which sounds bad, but is supposed to be good.  Because antibiotics are like crazed military leaders.  They kill everything good and bad.  So you have to send more good guys down “there”.  But I didn’t.  Thus the dollar store.  Where everything is not a dollar.

Mop the floor, fix supper, pick up the kids, take care of my flora and fauna . . . I'm exhausted.

Mop the floor, fix supper, pick up the kids, take care of my flora and fauna . . . I’m exhausted.

So I finally gave up and asked the girl who was mopping if they had any . . . Monistat.  Which is a brand name, and better than mentioning the actual thing.  Even though I usually use the equate brand, cause they make cheap versions of everything!  Even that!  So she said they had it, but they kept it behind the counter.  Because?  I can only assume people were stealing it.  I can imagine the conversation between the thieves.

“What’d you score, man?”

“Monistat, dude.”

“Cool beans!”

I went up to the counter, and there was a guy standing there.  No problem, I mean, we are all adults here.  So I asked for the stuff, and the guy is like uhhh okay uh sure.  And he turns around and stares at the maybe ten items they had back there.  And the girl walks by, grabs the stuff, hands it to me, and goes back to mopping.  Poor dude.  Speaking of dudes, are any of you still reading?  If so, bravo, for you are truly proving your manhood here.

Yes, dear, it's true. My "down there" is on fire - but not for you.

Yes, dear, it’s true. My “down there” is on fire – but not for you.

My husband is a real man, cause he has gone out and bought the stuff for me when I wasn’t there.  Yup.  He’s even gotten excited about a sale and bought several kits to have on hand. Okay that was kind of weird.  He’s also bought napkins for me.  None of this bothers him.  Which it shouldn’t, because it’s just a fact of life, you guys.

Tootie knows what I mean!

Tootie knows what I mean!

F.H.P.  It’s not so bad.  Do it for your girl.  And maybe she’ll buy you jock itch cream later.  Because everyone has a “down there”.

A friendly P.S.A. from A.L.I.C.E.

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16 responses

  1. You didn’t know Monistat was the drug of choice among high schoolers? You’re out of touch!

    1. I must be! Are they sniffing it? Injecting it? Please say they aren’t eating it. Maybe they are cutting it with baby powder – I hear that makes the stuff last longer.

  2. Been there. Actually, I am there frequently. I get urinary tract infections from sex and periods, then take antibiotics for them, and wind up with the yeaties. Terrible things. Equate rocks. I don’t know what the trouble is for men, going out to buy this stuff for us, since they quite obviously do not have a vagina of their own, is that they are hot and awesome enough to have attracted a person with a vagina of her own to ask him to go buy her products. It should be a badge of honor. Naptimethoughts needs a post about that. You’re an inspiration!
    btw- also tried warming KY — it’s like Hell moved into my lady flower.

    1. It should be a badge of honor! Especially if they caused it with the fun times. I’m sure they would love to wear the badge. It could be of a burning lady flower.

  3. This post makes me crave a loaf of bread for some reason…

    1. It makes me never want bread again. How can the stuff that makes cinnamon rolls make – that? Unless your poops smell like cinnamon rolls already, then I get it.

  4. I am so very thankful that I don’t have to mess with that shit anymore. The last yeast infection I had was on the surface of my skin and I took care of it with athlete’s foot cream.

    1. You don’t? What magic did you use to transfer it to your foot?

      1. I tend to get them in folds of skin, like under the girls.

  5. You can also treat it naturally by putting plain yogurt “down there.”

    1. Ew. I mean I don’t think I could go back to eating something I put in that area. But it’s just me.

      1. Well, obviously you wouldn’t want to eat the same few ounces of yogurt after. Eew.

        1. No, I meant any other yogurt at any time, not the same yogurt (though waste not, want not!) Sort of like how I didn’t want ice cream after that one scene in 50 Shades of Grey for a loooooong time.

  6. I like the badge of honour idea. However, I’m the only one in my current location who has a requirement for FHPs. Bring on the menopause.

    1. I got a hysterectomy, so got rid of the baby storage, most of the FHPS, and still have hormones! That’s good and bad. Now if I could fix some of the other fun things from having a baby – like leaks. But I don’t want to scare away all readers. 🙂

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