Monthly Archives: March, 2016

Trolls, guns, and magical birds: more politics with Alice!

I hope you all had a great Easter weekend.  I didn’t.  I had stomach ISSUES and they weren’t fun and worst of all they kept me from Facebook for an entire day.  Do you realize what I could have missed with no Facebook News for a whole day?  Everything!  Maybe Donald said something racist or stupid.  Maybe the Enquirer said Ted Cruz was having multiple affairs (luckily I saw THAT one on the newsstand).  Or maybe someone gave Bernie Sanders the bird.

Birds.  Not just for Cinderella anymore.

Birds. Not just for Cinderella anymore.

Luckily for me, I also have my Things – er daughters, and they are very happy to pass on political news of great importance.  Thing One showed me a site called Loser.com that I had never heard of until today.  If you go to the site, you are directed immediately to the Wikipedia page of Donald Trump.  So did someone buy the domain loser.com just to troll Donald? Nah, loser.com has been trolling since 1995 in what the Washington Times called “quiet, pointless obscurity”, its targets having been Al Gore, Obama, and naturally Kanye West (please say he doesn’t run for office).  Donald is just the latest, but like everything Donald, his has gotten the most attention.  I’m shocked Donald hasn’t tried to sue yet (that we know of that is).

Another exciting bit of news (from Time Magazine who also reported on Donald being the latest loser.com victim – way to report Time!) is this video of teen “mean girls” reading the tweets of Donald Trump.  It’s absolutely hilarious until you realize that everything those girls say was actually said first by a 70-year-old man who wants to be President.  Then it’s still funny, but a little sad.  I wonder if he will continue with the highly effective communication tool if elected President.  Pfft, of course he will.

As far as Facebook News, I am with Ted Cruz who says reports of his multiple affairs are ridiculous.  Getting the one woman to marry him had to be an act of voodoo witchcraft – I can’t imagine anything being powerful enough to get him women on the side.  Imagine waking up to that face.  Oh crap – imagine waking up to that face even on the T.V.  I feel a little ill.

Cause really, who would you rather see on your televisions each day?

Kindly if slightly batty old grandpa Bernie Sanders?

Wait, wrong one.  Good enough.

Wait, wrong one. Good enough.

Retired librarian who tries to look cool Hillary Clinton (as a librarian I can vouch for this statement – it’s a tough job).

I still can't figure out my phone - what is this texting?

I still can’t figure out my phone – what is this texting?

Oompa Loompa with Tourette’s Donald Trump?

I like steaks!

I like steaks!

Or . . . or Droopy Doo Doo dog, Ted “Creeper” Cruz?

My voice is all high pitched and shrill too!

My voice is all high pitched and shrill too!

I don’t know about you, but out of this admittedly less than stellar list, I choose the Bern.  I’m not the only one.  Wildlife likes him too, as evidenced by the video in which a cute birdie landed on his podium during a speech.  You might think this an incredible coincidence (and something supporters at the rally got a little too excited about – even before the bird got close to Bernie) but it’s not.  Bernie commands wildlife, guys.  It’s the Democratic Socialist Disney Princess effect.  Remember that Hitchcock movie “The Birds”?  I’d be careful, Hillary and Republicans!  Bernie could unleash his hoard at any time.  Anyway, the bird was cute enough to make it into a Bernie endorsement video.  Cut from video: Duet of “I’m Wishing” from Snow White whistled by Bernie and the bird.

Aw.  Poor little sparrow-whatever-that-bird-is had no idea he was a dove and is even more confused.  Lucky for the bird, he landed near a Democrat.  I can just imagine a Republican, like, I dunno, Donald, taking a shot at him.  I could also see one of his supporters shouting “Sparrow season!” – if said supporter weren’t busy punching a Trump protester.  Speaking of violence, many Republicans are hoping to allow “open carry” guns at the Republican National Convention this year.  This is one time I am not totally against this idea.  Can you just imagine?  It’d be like the O.K. Corral, with bullets zinging across the room as people yell “Yippie-ti-yi-die!” while galloping around in their suits and ties.  Seriously, I wouldn’t want anyone hurt, but it would test whether Republicans are as crazy about guns if said guns are shot near them in an enclosed space by other Republicans.

The Next Republican Convention

The Next Republican Convention

So much excitement to come!  Try to survive.  And if you can’t find a gun, be nice to birds.

Alice out

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Everyone should want to be a cat (No Politics Were Featured in this Post)

In light of recent events (like everything), I have made a monumental decision.  I have decided to leave the human race.

I’m going to become a house cat.  Note I am referring to “house” cats here, as in cats who don’t have to work the streets and stuff.  How?  I have a plan for it and everything.  No need for you to know it.

We're switchin' places, you freak.

We’re switchin’ places, you freak.

Why?  Simple.  I’ve got a list.

1 Cats aren’t worried about human stuff like bills, the “P” word, bombs, Justin Bieber, or food.  All they need is supplied for them by the human.  If the human is slow, you only need to rub its leg or lay on the floor showing your belly.  I have tried this as a human to get my husband to fix supper for me, but it was ineffective.

Seriously, I'm starrrrving.

Seriously, I’m starrrrving.

2 Cats don’t have spouses, and they kick their kids out as soon as they can sort of see and walk.  They don’t even have to potty-train them.

Pack your things, you've wasted enough resources!

Pack your things, you’ve wasted enough resources!

3 Cats don’t have to go to work.  Their job involves looking cute until fed, then ignoring everyone around them.  This is sometimes allowed at work meetings, but otherwise they expect you to actually produce something.  Eventually.

Darn it, tricked to another meeting by donuts!

Darn it, tricked to another meeting by donuts!

75 percent of shows on the Internet are about cats.  They never run out of programming.  They can even become stars simply by looking grumpy.  I have yet to be paid for this, yet I do it very well.

I make more money than you do. Bwahahahaha.

I make more money than you do. Bwahahahaha.

5  Cats are allowed to sleep 16 hours a day and no one calls them lazy.  They can even curl up and sleep in someone’s lap.  This is often frowned upon if you are a human, especially if you are not related in some way to the lap.

Lazy if human. Normal if cat.

Lazy if human. Normal if cat.

6  Cats can do whatever they want.  If they want to stick their butt in your face, they can do it.  If they want to stomp on your keyboard, they can do it.  If they want to pee on your laundry, they can do it.  Try doing this as a human, and see how well it works.

These moves are much cuter on a cat than a human.

These moves are much cuter on a cat than a human.

7  No chores for cats.  The human will clean mess up for you, even the toilet.  All that hair you shed on a regular basis?  The human.  You don’t even have to thank them, or acknowledge their existence.  Like children and spouses in a typical human family.

Haha, pick up my poops, human!

Haha, pick up my poops, human!

8  You never need to take a shower, cause you have a tongue for that!  That sort of behavior might land you in a mental hospital as a human, but is totally normal for a cat. (I’m not sure I would like this one as much, unless I was a cat.  Then who cares?  Look at my butt!)

If yoga is acceptable, why not?

If yoga is acceptable, why not?

9  Cats can just zip off any time they want, and not return for hours, and no one questions it.  The last time I tried this, the people at work were super annoyed at me.

Look I had a two hour bathroom break, 'kay?

Look I had a two hour bathroom break, ‘kay?

10  Cats don’t have to worry about the rest of the world, because they have already peed on their part of it to make sure it’s secure.  Humans could solve so many problems this way, if they just stuck to their own porches and litter boxes.

Message to the human race.

Message to the human race.

And that is why I want to be a house cat.  I’ll let you know how it works out.  Or not, because if I succeed, I will no longer care.  I’ll be eatin’ my vittles in front of the computer until I fall asleep in someone’s lap.  That is the life.

Alice

Reality Campaign Sent Me to the ER

Wellllll . . . this election has just . . . shuffled along like a long, drawn out bunch of fillings without Novocaine.  You can’t just fill them at once, it has to be one, two, maybe five at a time.  And there’s 50 teeth, guys, 50 rotten teeth, and somehow, I think it’s gonna hurt when it’s all over no matter what they put in those cavities.

Stephen Colbert has compared the election to a reality show, and I think that’s even better than my dental plan.  It’s also why I believe that if anyone is going to sponsor these candidates, it should be these guys.

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it's the 2016 Presidential campaign!

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it’s the Amazing 2016 Presidential Race!

I have covered several TLC shows in the past, including one where a guy was in love with his car (Trump supporter?), and none of them have compared to this campaign.  We had another five states vote in the third Super Tuesday (how many Super Tuesdays can you have?  Should some be called Super-Duper Tuesday, or even EXTREME Tuesday?) and Trump and Hillary made a pretty clean sweep.  But if you think the other candidates are going to give up, clearly you have never watched an episode of The Bachelor.  These guys (and gal) are going to get that rose, er, nomination, if they have to send people to the ER to do it.

We have had a few drop-outs, so the Republican candidate field has gone from 19 and Counting to three.  Carson made the bold decision to quit when he slept through the last few debates and woke up to find out he’d been voted off the island by pretty much everyone.  Rubio quit too, but he and his boots have great opportunities ahead, like an appearance on What Not To Wear very soon.  So now the Republicans have Trump, Cruz, and Kasich.  Kasich won one state, the only state he’s won so far, but he’s happy, so we’ll just leave him with his car, er um dreams. Just like I’m gonna live in my bubble, cause Trump and Cruz make me want to eat a whole box of baby powder donuts and wash it down with some hot sauce.

Who can't identify with this?

Who can’t identify with this?

You might think I am ignoring the Democrats because I’m a biased somewhat-moderate lib’ral who votes Democrat because they come closest to getting some of the stuff I want (like food).  This is true, but it’s also because the Democrats are just plain dull beside the Republicans.  Sure Hillary has her emails and trail of Secret Obsessions and Crazy Addictions, and Bernie waves his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care causing his hair to electrify, but it just doesn’t compare to the total boobs the GOP has right now.  I should also point out that I don’t hate Republicans – just their politics (Some of my friends are Republican so I’m totally not prejudiced.).  Unless they are politicians, then it’s a pretty safe bet I hate them.

So now it’s down to Cruz and Trump, two candidates that even the Republican party itself hates with a passion.  I did do a little digging into their pasts (not just for Repubs anymore!) and I found some great dirt on Cruz.  If you’ve been reading, you know I already reported that Ted Cruz is suspected of being the Zodiac killer.  But did you know he was also in a Christian metal band?  It’s totally TRUE.  Just look at the proof.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

So now we know that Ted Cruz was not only in a metal band while serial killing his fellow Canadians, he is also a politician who is probably related to a cartoon character named Droopy Dog.  The evil is staggering, honestly.  And then there’s Trump, who is a failed businessman reality star tanning bed victim circus clown politician who rolls around in his money vault like his uncle, Scrooge McDuck.

Donald's first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Donald’s first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Would I lie about any of this?  Absolutely not.  But I should point out that Ted Cruz can see into your soul with his beady little eyes and make your brain explode.  Also Donald Trump is really a leprechaun.  So be careful with your votes.

What truly amazes me is that even after winning those four states by a YUGE margin, Donald was still ticked off enough to whine about how he has had way more negative ads targeted at him than anyone in campaign history.  Talk about a victory speech!  It looked rather like this.

I can't believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

I can’t believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

No one on Big Brother or Bachelor Pad could compare with the antics of the Republican contenders, and I have to say that I mourn the passing of the ones who have fallen, whoever they were.  The Real Politicians of the GOP will live on, as long as the Republican party itself!

At least they will all be welcomed with welcome, opening arms by TLC.  So many shows for them to choose from!  Politician and Pregnant (I want this one for Ben Carson), I Didn’t Know I Was a Politician (shoe-in for half of the former Republican candidates), My Five Wives (Donald Trump), Dumb People Dumber World (any of them), Toddlers and Tiaras (Donald Trump), Here Comes Droopy Boo Boo (Ted Cruz), What Not to Wear – or say – or do (Marco Polo Rubio), Politics: Buried Alive (all of us).

Be prepared, American viewers.  This is all you’re gonna see for a long, long time.  Have a nice day, and wonderful fruit salad life.

Alice

Voters: Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

I didn’t start out intending to be a political humor writer, but what can you do when it’s all just right there for the taking?  It’s like E.L. James decided to write a story of an election, and this is the result.

Anyhoo, I promised to tell you of my experience voting.  I went to the polls the week before Super Tuesday (the first Super voting day) with my Republican husband.  We were the only ones there.  In Texas, you have these little voter booths that resemble old arcade game machines.  You get controls too, only this one is just a dial you use to go down the list of names and select your candidate.  It is not a touch screen, as the sign (created by the poor souls who actually volunteer to register you) clearly states.  Yet every time I touch it first.  As does everyone else.

Voting machines. Also play Pac-Man.

Voting machines. Also play Pac-Man.

But why a rotary dial?  Are we going back to the 80s here?  I guess it fits the arcade theme.  And why does every state do this differently?  Why pregnant chads in Florida?  I don’t get it.  But I digress.  Again.  Mostly because I have to admit that when it comes to voting, I am not that bright.

Obviously I knew who I wanted to select as the Democrat’s candidate, though my husband was still somewhat undecided except for “Not Trump”.  To make this process more confusing to voters, several Republican candidates who had dropped out long ago were still on the ballot.  I wonder how many votes those people got.   It would have been extra funny if somehow Texas had elected, say, Jeb!

I won when I wasn't running! Gorsh!

I won when I wasn’t running! Gorsh!

At least the Democrats had been narrowed down to two for a long time, so easy peasy right?   Then I got my ballot, and I realized I had completely forgotten, in spite of doing this every two to four years since I turned 18, that there was a lot of other stuff on the ballot.  Like bunches of other people I had never heard of, and even a few political positions I had never heard of, and I had to choose one.  Most only had one person, so that was pretty easy, but then Railroad Commissioner had three.  Eenie, Meenie, Mini?  For a while I was terrified I had accidentally voted for a Republican, then I remembered this was the Democratic primary.  Which means they should all be Democrats?  Theoretically?

And then came the story problems, or as the political establishment calls them, referendums.  Oops. I had not looked any of those up beforehand either.  All of these were written in legalese.  I have a Master’s degree in English (no, really!) and I had to read them more than once to make sure I was voting the right way.  There were questions like this one:

Get your thinking caps on!

Get your thinking caps on!

Do you agree with a bill that will not permit the exercise of extreme force upon juvenile seals by way of blunt instrument?

And so you are about to say “no” obviously, cause you want to prevent clubbing baby seals!  But then you realize that it says “permit” instead of “prevent”, but that’s still “no” because it’s permitting clubbing them seals.  Wait, then you remember there’s that “not” in there, so you need to say “yes” you want a bill that doesn’t permit clubbing seals.  Right?   When did seals get permits?  I’m not sure I care about the seals anymore.  Whoever wrote up these referendums needs a club to the head.  My husband who is not an English major, in fact has a reading disability, was there for quite a while after I had finished.  He was also extremely confused.

Like poor Chris.

Like poor Chris.

“I’m not sure what I voted for,” he said.

“Me neither,” I replied.

And we went our merry way, just like most Americans.  And that is how the voting system works, kiddos! I even got a sticker.

Like the short-lived game show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, the sad news is that kids actually DO know more than many adults about politics.  They also seem to care about it.  Nevermind that none of them can vote.  Thing Two has a fellow student / arch enemy who is insane about Trump, enough that he carries around his biography like a Bible.  No kid should carry around ANY politician’s bio, especially that one.  Thing Two enjoys responding to his “Trump is Awesome” speeches with taunts of “GO HILLARY!  HILLARY FOR PRESIDENT!”  I love my kids.

If you want some proof that kids know way more than we do (and more than they should, really), here is a video with kids responding to Donald Trump’s antics, and answering questions.  You might be tempted to think they were prompted, but I believe it’s totally real, because you just don’t come up with stuff the way these kids do.  Also no adult would have that much common sense.  Prepare to laugh your head off, then feel sad for their future.  Here it is.

 

 

Now the GOP is hoping to keep the four  candidates in as long as possible in order to prevent Trump from securing enough delegates, thus allowing the party to select its own candidate, rather than the voters.  Something seems wrong with this picture.  It’s a good reason to vote, though, because if you take all the people who don’t bother, you get enough to say, keep a crazed lunatic (choose one) out of office.  And that’s just being a good American.

Here goes nothin'!

Here goes nothin’!

Alice

These are the Fruit Salads of Our Lives

Well, we just had Super Tuesday, and it looks like Hillary won 7 states out of 13 and Bernie won 4 states out of 13 and I realize 4 and 7 don’t equal 13 so I’m not sure what happened.  Also Trump won 7 states, but never had more than 50 percent of the vote.  Hard when there are still 5 candidates running, one of whom (lookin’ at you Ben-o!) didn’t register once.  Also, I voted, but more on that on another post!  Since we still don’t have any clue what’s going on in this most screwed up of elections ev-ah, I thought I’d just do a post in headlines I’ve been gathering up while recovering from my latest bout of plague (thanks Obama!)

The Washington post also has some great images (non-moving gifs!) and tweets, but Gawker had the best headline.  Watch Chris Christie’s pained expressions as he stands trapped behind Donald Trump.  Time to rethink life choices, Christie.

I can see my life flashing before my eyes.

I can see my life flashing before my eyes.

Zodiac Killer: 38 Percent of Florida Voters Think It Is Possible Ted Cruz Is Serial Killer, Poll Says

Sure the killings started in 1968, and Cruz wasn’t born until 1970, but, well, look at the guy.  Do you blame them?

Trump Says Hispanic Voters ‘Get It’

Get that you think they’re rapists? That you want to deport them and / or employ them?  What do they “get” exactly?

Ben Carson’s Fruit Salad Makes the Internet Go Bananas

Ben says “the fruit salad of their life is what I will look at” when choosing a Supreme Court justice.  I think that’s how we’re choosing president instead.  Still it got a lot of amusing tweets including:

 – My tell-all is going to be  called the The Fruit Salad of Their Lives

-The Fruit Salad of Their Life is my favorite soap

and of course

– Make America Grape Again

This one goes to Dr. Ben Carson!

This one goes to Dr. Ben Carson!

 

You can’t make this crap up.  Sorry, Ben, you’re really not important enough for a punch.

Lindsey Graham: Sen. Lindsey Graham Jokes About Gone Bat**** Crazy GOP:   “Speaking at the Washington Press Club Foundation Dinner, Graham had the harshest words for Sen. Ted Cruz. “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you,” he quipped.”

I’m thinking a lot of people don’t like Ted Cruz.  Like EVERY ONE of his fellow senators who won’t endorse him, for instance.

Come on, guyyyys!

Come on, guyyyys!

Emancipation Proclamation: 20 Percent of Trump Supporters Do Not Support Executive Order, Poll Says

And another 17 percent “aren’t sure”.  Just . . . I mean . . . what . . .why . . . next question.

Kevin Spacey: Actor Says ‘We Get What We Deserve’ About US Presidential Election

Speak for yourself, Kev!  Pretty sure most of us do not deserve this.

Trump University: Donald Trump Could Be Called to Testify in Fraud Case, Court Filings Show

Trump?  Fraud?  No way!

 

Everybody do the Donald!

Everybody do the Donald!

Hint to Hillary: Find out.

Ben Carson: Republican Presidential Candidate Says President Obama Was ‘Raised White’

WTF does that even MEAN, Ben?  Does Obama not have a good fruit salad?

Donald Trump: GOP Presidential Candidate Says He Wanted to ‘Punch’ Protester Who Disrupted Rally

Sometimes people think words instead of speak them, Donald.  Still, if you can’t find the protester, you could always punch Ben.  He wants to be attacked.  Or Cruz.  He’s just so darn punchable.

Whaaat?

Whaaat?

Note: I tried to find the headlines I’d picked off FB.  When I couldn’t, I substituted links.  Enjoy your fruit salad!

Alice