Reality Campaign Sent Me to the ER

Wellllll . . . this election has just . . . shuffled along like a long, drawn out bunch of fillings without Novocaine.  You can’t just fill them at once, it has to be one, two, maybe five at a time.  And there’s 50 teeth, guys, 50 rotten teeth, and somehow, I think it’s gonna hurt when it’s all over no matter what they put in those cavities.

Stephen Colbert has compared the election to a reality show, and I think that’s even better than my dental plan.  It’s also why I believe that if anyone is going to sponsor these candidates, it should be these guys.

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it's the 2016 Presidential campaign!

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it’s the Amazing 2016 Presidential Race!

I have covered several TLC shows in the past, including one where a guy was in love with his car (Trump supporter?), and none of them have compared to this campaign.  We had another five states vote in the third Super Tuesday (how many Super Tuesdays can you have?  Should some be called Super-Duper Tuesday, or even EXTREME Tuesday?) and Trump and Hillary made a pretty clean sweep.  But if you think the other candidates are going to give up, clearly you have never watched an episode of The Bachelor.  These guys (and gal) are going to get that rose, er, nomination, if they have to send people to the ER to do it.

We have had a few drop-outs, so the Republican candidate field has gone from 19 and Counting to three.  Carson made the bold decision to quit when he slept through the last few debates and woke up to find out he’d been voted off the island by pretty much everyone.  Rubio quit too, but he and his boots have great opportunities ahead, like an appearance on What Not To Wear very soon.  So now the Republicans have Trump, Cruz, and Kasich.  Kasich won one state, the only state he’s won so far, but he’s happy, so we’ll just leave him with his car, er um dreams. Just like I’m gonna live in my bubble, cause Trump and Cruz make me want to eat a whole box of baby powder donuts and wash it down with some hot sauce.

Who can't identify with this?

Who can’t identify with this?

You might think I am ignoring the Democrats because I’m a biased somewhat-moderate lib’ral who votes Democrat because they come closest to getting some of the stuff I want (like food).  This is true, but it’s also because the Democrats are just plain dull beside the Republicans.  Sure Hillary has her emails and trail of Secret Obsessions and Crazy Addictions, and Bernie waves his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care causing his hair to electrify, but it just doesn’t compare to the total boobs the GOP has right now.  I should also point out that I don’t hate Republicans – just their politics (Some of my friends are Republican so I’m totally not prejudiced.).  Unless they are politicians, then it’s a pretty safe bet I hate them.

So now it’s down to Cruz and Trump, two candidates that even the Republican party itself hates with a passion.  I did do a little digging into their pasts (not just for Repubs anymore!) and I found some great dirt on Cruz.  If you’ve been reading, you know I already reported that Ted Cruz is suspected of being the Zodiac killer.  But did you know he was also in a Christian metal band?  It’s totally TRUE.  Just look at the proof.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

So now we know that Ted Cruz was not only in a metal band while serial killing his fellow Canadians, he is also a politician who is probably related to a cartoon character named Droopy Dog.  The evil is staggering, honestly.  And then there’s Trump, who is a failed businessman reality star tanning bed victim circus clown politician who rolls around in his money vault like his uncle, Scrooge McDuck.

Donald's first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Donald’s first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Would I lie about any of this?  Absolutely not.  But I should point out that Ted Cruz can see into your soul with his beady little eyes and make your brain explode.  Also Donald Trump is really a leprechaun.  So be careful with your votes.

What truly amazes me is that even after winning those four states by a YUGE margin, Donald was still ticked off enough to whine about how he has had way more negative ads targeted at him than anyone in campaign history.  Talk about a victory speech!  It looked rather like this.

I can't believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

I can’t believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

No one on Big Brother or Bachelor Pad could compare with the antics of the Republican contenders, and I have to say that I mourn the passing of the ones who have fallen, whoever they were.  The Real Politicians of the GOP will live on, as long as the Republican party itself!

At least they will all be welcomed with welcome, opening arms by TLC.  So many shows for them to choose from!  Politician and Pregnant (I want this one for Ben Carson), I Didn’t Know I Was a Politician (shoe-in for half of the former Republican candidates), My Five Wives (Donald Trump), Dumb People Dumber World (any of them), Toddlers and Tiaras (Donald Trump), Here Comes Droopy Boo Boo (Ted Cruz), What Not to Wear – or say – or do (Marco Polo Rubio), Politics: Buried Alive (all of us).

Be prepared, American viewers.  This is all you’re gonna see for a long, long time.  Have a nice day, and wonderful fruit salad life.

Alice

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18 responses

  1. You know I suggested you should move to the UK as an alternative?

    It’s getting pretty awful over here too. I honestly think that we need to start a colony on the moon or something. Or maybe try to rediscover Atlantis and go and live there.

    1. I want to move to Canada even more because not only do they have universal healthcare and no Trump or Cruz, they have this awesome new Prime Minster Trudeau who just happens to love Pandas AND be a hottie. I might endure the cold for that.

      1. Sounds like a plan to me. I might join you!

  2. I am so going to miss your references to Marco Polo Rubio. Thank you for making me laugh when all of me wants to cry, dear Alice.

    1. Thanks for reading. Writing ridiculous posts distracts me from my pre-traumatic syndrome. I will miss Marco Polo.

      1. Alice, you know how just when you think you’ve reached your quota of way too effing much to deal with, and then you get more effing much to deal with? That’s a purely rhetorical question, because I know you do. Well reading your posts, even if they are relatively short moments in a day that’s way too long, they make me laugh, and they make me remember it’s not always going to be this way. So thank you. A lot.

        1. Thank you for telling me that. It means a lot to me that I helped someone else, if only for a moment.

  3. I don’t think these reality shows could possibly be better than what we have now – because all these shows will just be spin-offs of the original all-star reality show that’s running now. I mean, these spin-offs might not be bad, but they’re just not going to have the magic of the original.

    1. So true. I mean, after this election is over, we’ll be stuck with the spin-off – “Trump / Cruz/ Hillary / The Bern in de White House” which will last at least four years or until someone cancels our country, whichever is first. Bo-ring.

  4. What if they held an election and no one came? Are they allowed a do-over?

    1. About half the people in the country failed to show up last election, and no do-over. It would be interesting if absolutely no one showed up.

  5. In the next presidential election season, I say that all of the candidates have to live with each other and constantly monitored by tv. LOL, they should have done it this season. Could you imagine Hillary and The Donald living together for 18 months? Bwahahaha.

    1. That would have been hilarious. He’s so afraid of Megyn Kelly, just imagine how he’d survive with Hillary or the others? I can picture them at the dinner table, Donald bellowing because he didn’t get to sit at the head of the table and Hillary sitting at the head of the table exclaiming “It’s mine this time!” Bernie would be at the table shouting excitedly about the percentage of people without brown and serve rolls. And Ted Cruz would be forced to sit at the little kids’ table because no one likes him.

      1. Ted Cruz at the kiddie table. Thanks for makimg me laugh.

        I say we do some kind of petition. It would be Big Brother the Presidential Season. Shit, they watch us, so let’s return the favor. Weekly programming would be cancelled for the same number of weeks as candidates. Issues would be discussed and every Thursday, America gets to vote someone out. The last one standing is our POTUS. No more annoying ads, debates or other nonsense. You’re Welcome.

  6. “Bernie waves his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care causing his hair to electrify” Hahaha!

    The Hunger Games: GOP Edition works for me.

    1. I actually have a post where one of my kids found this Hunger Games generator, and we programmed in the names of a bunch of political candidates and politicians. The results were hilarious, especially since it was all the generator, not us. The best was when Obama shoved Trump into the electric wall – definite poetic justice there.

  7. Trump is a clown. Canada is looking more and more attractive. Some Republican talking heads are now saying that neither he nor Cruz stands a chance of winning a general election (which gives me hope) and that they want Cruz to get the nomination because if Trump does, the Republican party will disintegrate entirely. That suddenly has me thinking it might not be so bad if he loses…can you imagine if the Republicans splintered into two or more smaller parties, the Dems would dominate and it might no longer look pointless to, say, vote Green Party. That would be something.

    1. I want to move to Canada even more now that they have that hottie Prime Minster. Good lucks and competence? Hallelujah!

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