Everyone should want to be a cat (No Politics Were Featured in this Post)

In light of recent events (like everything), I have made a monumental decision.  I have decided to leave the human race.

I’m going to become a house cat.  Note I am referring to “house” cats here, as in cats who don’t have to work the streets and stuff.  How?  I have a plan for it and everything.  No need for you to know it.

We're switchin' places, you freak.

We’re switchin’ places, you freak.

Why?  Simple.  I’ve got a list.

1 Cats aren’t worried about human stuff like bills, the “P” word, bombs, Justin Bieber, or food.  All they need is supplied for them by the human.  If the human is slow, you only need to rub its leg or lay on the floor showing your belly.  I have tried this as a human to get my husband to fix supper for me, but it was ineffective.

Seriously, I'm starrrrving.

Seriously, I’m starrrrving.

2 Cats don’t have spouses, and they kick their kids out as soon as they can sort of see and walk.  They don’t even have to potty-train them.

Pack your things, you've wasted enough resources!

Pack your things, you’ve wasted enough resources!

3 Cats don’t have to go to work.  Their job involves looking cute until fed, then ignoring everyone around them.  This is sometimes allowed at work meetings, but otherwise they expect you to actually produce something.  Eventually.

Darn it, tricked to another meeting by donuts!

Darn it, tricked to another meeting by donuts!

75 percent of shows on the Internet are about cats.  They never run out of programming.  They can even become stars simply by looking grumpy.  I have yet to be paid for this, yet I do it very well.

I make more money than you do. Bwahahahaha.

I make more money than you do. Bwahahahaha.

5  Cats are allowed to sleep 16 hours a day and no one calls them lazy.  They can even curl up and sleep in someone’s lap.  This is often frowned upon if you are a human, especially if you are not related in some way to the lap.

Lazy if human. Normal if cat.

Lazy if human. Normal if cat.

6  Cats can do whatever they want.  If they want to stick their butt in your face, they can do it.  If they want to stomp on your keyboard, they can do it.  If they want to pee on your laundry, they can do it.  Try doing this as a human, and see how well it works.

These moves are much cuter on a cat than a human.

These moves are much cuter on a cat than a human.

7  No chores for cats.  The human will clean mess up for you, even the toilet.  All that hair you shed on a regular basis?  The human.  You don’t even have to thank them, or acknowledge their existence.  Like children and spouses in a typical human family.

Haha, pick up my poops, human!

Haha, pick up my poops, human!

8  You never need to take a shower, cause you have a tongue for that!  That sort of behavior might land you in a mental hospital as a human, but is totally normal for a cat. (I’m not sure I would like this one as much, unless I was a cat.  Then who cares?  Look at my butt!)

If yoga is acceptable, why not?

If yoga is acceptable, why not?

9  Cats can just zip off any time they want, and not return for hours, and no one questions it.  The last time I tried this, the people at work were super annoyed at me.

Look I had a two hour bathroom break, 'kay?

Look I had a two hour bathroom break, ‘kay?

10  Cats don’t have to worry about the rest of the world, because they have already peed on their part of it to make sure it’s secure.  Humans could solve so many problems this way, if they just stuck to their own porches and litter boxes.

Message to the human race.

Message to the human race.

And that is why I want to be a house cat.  I’ll let you know how it works out.  Or not, because if I succeed, I will no longer care.  I’ll be eatin’ my vittles in front of the computer until I fall asleep in someone’s lap.  That is the life.

Alice

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20 responses

  1. with reading point one I was with you… yes, I want to be a cat too… I only have to find someone who will clean my litterbox :o)

  2. You don’t think looking that adorable just comes naturally, do you? Cats spend hours and hours and hours grooming themselves. Maybe not as much time as they sleep, but a 10 minute shower is a lot easier than thoroughly grooming every inch of furry cat with nothing but a tongue.

    1. That is true. Lots of time spent grooming. Except our outdoor kitty grooms by rolling in dirt. She doesn’t seem in the mood to lick that off.

  3. Vittles. This is pure awesome sprinkled with butterfly farts, WT.

    1. That is like, one of the best compliments ever, WT.

      1. Yay. Now I’m humming that Aristocats song from the movie.

        1. Yay, I knew you’d get the song!

          1. I know all the songs. The important ones, anyways. It’s a gift.

          2. I write the songs that make the whole world puuuuke . . .

          3. …in perfect harmony…like us!

  4. Ha! Love it – especially the part about curling up in someone’s lap.Ha!

    I gotta tell you this one Alice, your post brought back a memory I haven’t pondered for a decade. I used to haul gas and diesel with a large tanker (two trailers) from Toronto to other parts of Canada -mostly northern parts in the east. Anyway, there were two huge distribution centers (DCs) and for drivers it was necessary to take a safety course for each center and pass a written and a loading test at each. This process is called carding and after a background check,the driver who passes is issued a magnetic card for entry and for loading. So, I was relatively new to the job and i had an appointment at the largest of the two DCs for the training and testing. This place is huge and can load about 20 tankers at a time and each loading position has a forest of loading arms for different products. It was all computer controlled with millions of gallons of storage and miles of pipelines. It wasn’t uncommon to see 50 tractor trailers lined up waiting to load while 20 loaded. All of this was computer controlled and it took only about 15 minutes to load each transport.

    Typically one person controlled all of this from a central control room that was wall to wall computers and looked out over the facility through a wall of bullet proof glass. I reported to the driver’s window that morning for my training and the operator gave me a sheaf of material and directed me to the conference room where he said I would find a DVD player set up for the tutorial – I just had to push the start button and watch. So,I settled myself in and started the video. A few moments later, a huge camel colored cat jumped up on the conference table and began to walk back and forth rubbing my arm and purring. This struck me as surreal in such a facility and I figured he must have snuck in an open door. I stopped the video and went to get the operator. When i told him there was a cat in the conference room, he asked : “What color?” I told him brown and white and his response was : “Oh that’s Carmel, he’s one of three that are around here somewhere.” I went back to the conference room where Carmel sat on the table waiting patiently for my return.

    When Carmel and I were done the test, I reported back to the operator where i found a black and white cat marching back and forth on the control keyboards while looking out the window. Everything appeared normal and the facility did not seem any the worse for the cat’s input. When the operator reappeared from a back room, he took my paperwork as i incredulously watched the cat appear to operate the terminal. I pointed out that there was a cat on his computers and he just grinned and said there were actually three of them and that one was called Diesel. He said that all the keyboards were locked unless the operator entered his code so the cat was fine. He asked if I was interested in adopting a cat. While he corrected my test, he explained that they had found the three cats when they were kittens and they were left by their Mom in a pump shed on the property on a cold February day the previous winter. The staff took the kittens on and adopted them, taking turns feeding them and caring for them in the terminal building. They had to find new homes for them now due to a recent unfortunate incident. Apparently the bosses from head office had paid a visit and were in the conference room doing their very serious boss thing. Carmel had gotten into the hung ceiling in the room and right in the middle of the meeting,had come crashing down on a loose tile and landed unharmed in a cloud of dust and ceiling pieces, on the table right in front of the big boss. This very dramatic entry was the first the visiting bosses knew of the cats and they demanded that the kitties find new homes. After some effort, they were all adopted out (the cats, not the bosses).

    Anyway, your post on the life of a cat reminded me if the tree cats that operated the largest fuel distribution center in Canada. Ha!

  5. Well, I don’t think I’ll be comfortable with hacking up hairballs every day.

    1. I bet Donald Trump has that problem.

      1. I thought you were trying to keep this post politics-free. 🙂

        1. I couldn’t help it. Hairball immediately brought up the Donald. He’s everywhere.

  6. Alice, my aunt often said she would like to be reincarnated as one of my family’s cats. If you really want the life, I extend the invitation to come live with me and my Munchkin – providing you promise to use the litter box faithfully, and not chew on electrical cords. (That second part is really to both our benefits, I imagine you’ll agree.)

    Munchkin is around nine months old, he’s fixed, so he won’t paw at you, and I rather think he would love to have a kitten of his own to care for. You’d be in a third floor apartment, so you only get balcony time (no real outside time); but since I feel horribly guilty about this, I over-compensate with the best food, more toys than I have for myself, trips to my parents’ (who spoil even better because 1. they know they’re not getting grandkids, and 2. it’s a non-vegetarian household, and they will buy Whole Foods turkey just for you, feed you $20 worth of crab legs on New Year’s Eve, and basically make you the benefactress of the realization that you are so much better than a grandchild), and pretty much turning my life completely around to suit you. Just ask the Munchkin. I drove to Canada for him. Oh, and in case you aren’t sold, one entire room of the place is books, with more all over in every other room, and you will never be expected to put any of them away or answer stupid questions. Just please become an orange tabby so I can pretend there’s only one of you here and not pay additional money for deposit and rent. Let me know if this works for you. 😉

  7. I’ve always wanted to be a cat too. Life as a convent cat would be pretty good.

    1. Do they get fed as well as our squirrels at the university? 🙂

      1. Yes, and the ones at our retreat house have the choice of self-service with mice, voles and even rabbits!

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