New Presidential Test!

I’ve been thinking about how to reform our election system.  At first I considered just having a boxing match, but you know how much trouble that would be, right?  First it really wouldn’t be fair with older or female candidates, who might not have the same strength as younger, hotter opponents.  Unless we’re talking Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton, both of whom I’m pretty sure would be very scary out in the ring.  I wouldn’t go up against them.

Wait, this actually happened?  Obama is like pumped!

Wait, this actually happened? Obama is like pumped!

You know we’d be talking major doping here (more than just being a dope, taking drugs) and selecting surrogate champions.  He who has the most dollars can hire the best boxers!  And we’d have boxer lobbyists, and endorsements from Nike, and so on.  So boxing is out, even if it would be massively more entertaining than primaries, secondaries, caucuses, etc.  It would work quite well for protestors.  Just let the Bernie lunatic fringe and the Trump supporters go at it in one big ring, see what happens.

But what about a test?  I mean we expect our kids to take a ridiculous amount of tests, so why not our candidates?  These could be oral questions, but they would be yes / no and multiple choice, so no dancing around the topic like in debate.  We are not giving them essay or short answer tests – we know how well that works.  I have a lot of experience taking tests, so I have some good ideas for questions.

Get your thinking caps on, politicians!

Get your thinking caps on, politicians!

1.Do you use Twitter?  Yes or No. 

No equals 10 points.  Yes is automatic dismissal

2. Did you watch Sesame Street and / or Mr. Rogers as a child?

Yes equals 1o points.  No equals no cookies for YOU.

Cookie Monster would have had my vote!

Cookie Monster would have had my vote!

3. Which of these did NOT happen in the Bible?

A. Stoning people

B. Healing people

C. God giving Moses the Bill of Rights

D. A great, big, beautiful flood

Answer C 10 points.   That was tricky! We all know it was Jesus who gave us the Constitution.

Totally how it happened.

Totally how it happened.

4. What do you think of really tall walls?

A. We’re just another brick in it.

B. Walls gooood!

C.  Why are we discussing walls again?

Answer A and C 10 points.  5 more if you know who wrote The Wall!

One giant leap to America!

One giant leap to America!

5. What is your favorite amendment to the Constitution and why?

A. 2nd amendment cause it means we can all tote at least 10 machine guns, shoot people, and still get votes.

B. 1st amendment because it guarantees my freedom to curse and demean people who don’t follow the freedom of MY religion which is the ONLY religion.

C. There are more than 2 amendments?

D. All of the above!

E. None of these are right, you moron.

A, B, C, D – no points.  E 10 points.  Signed check to me means any answer is right. 10 points

Go ahead and repeal this one, right?

Go ahead and repeal this one, right?

6. What is the most important issue affecting the American people?

A. The GAYZZZ

B. Mexican Muslim rapist terrorists – they’re everywhere waiting to kill you!

C. Donald Trump. Oh, God, Donald Trump.

Answer C.  10 points.  No, Bernie, I didn’t list food, shelter, and medical care for all.  Gawd.

I AM THE CHAAAAAMPIIIOOOON!

I AM THE CHAAAAAMPIIIOOOON!

7. Does Canada look really good this time of year?  Yes or No.

Yes – 10 points.  No – you clearly haven’t been paying attention.  O points and no beer.

8. Is it okay to lie, cheat, and steal?  Yes or No.

Yes if you don’t get caught.  10 points.  No if you are too dumb to hide your evidence. -10 points

Please quit writing emails.  All crooks now use texting.  Keep up.

Please quit writing emails. All crooks now use texting. Keep up.

9. I don’t like the candidate for my party.  What should I do?

A. Vote for the candidate for the opposite party.  Sure, why not?

B. Vote for a third party.  Like the Unicorn party.

C. Vote for the candidate you’re given and LIKE IT.

D. Throw a big temper tantrum.

Answer – Vote for anyone who isn’t Trump, then run to Canada.  10 points.

Write in Sparklepony for President today!

Write in Sparklepony for President today!

10. How soon should you start campaigning for President?

A. As soon as the new president is elected.

B. No more than 6 months ahead of time.

C. Never.

Answer – C, C, C always go for C.  10 points

Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best test ever, but it’s a start.  Anyone have ideas for other questions we should ask?  Let me know in the comments below!

~ Alice

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18 responses

  1. I’m not coming up with any questions. I’m going to stick my head way way back down into the sand.

    1. Pretending politics don’t exist is a very good answer. You’d be too smart to take the test.

  2. Cookies good. Walls bad. Pink Floyd depressing.

    1. Pink Floyd needs more cookies. Extra points for you, though! We should test presidential hopefuls on song references, I think.

      1. That would be fun. Can’t be president if you don’t know the lyrics to The Gambler.

        1. Definitely not! Otherwise, how would you know when to hold them, fold them, walk away, or (most likely the case) run?

          1. Exactly! All important attributes.

  3. How many times are we allowed to vote for Sparklepony?

    1. As many times as we can get away with – just don’t email about it.

  4. That amendment picture made me giggle uncontrollably. 😀

    1. Me too! I think I googled Moses and Bill of Rights for that (You find all sorts of stuff on Google Images. Some I cannot unsee.) The one that really surprised me was the picture of Mitt Romney boxing with Evander Holyfield. I looked up presidential elections and boxing, not expecting to find anything and – there it was. They were doing it for charity, but it had to have been hard to hold back for Holyfield. Who doesn’t want to punch out a politician?

  5. I still think the Presidential Hunger Games idea had merit.

    1. Me too. Curious how Hillary won my pretend Hunger Games where I put the politicians’ names into a generator. Of course, Reagan got pretty far too, and he’s technically dead. I think that explains something about the Republican party.

      But wouldn’t it be great if there were a lot of people running after Trump shooting arrows and swinging swords?

  6. Looks like I’m not equipped to be President, I shall be nominating myself for the next election.

    1. Not being equipped to be President seems like a general requirement these days. On the other hand, you seem like a decent human being – the politicians and even your own supporters would probably try to eat you.

      Still I’d vote for you because you can read and comprehend stuff. A dying art.

      1. My one promise would be a ball pit at the entrance of every work so we could all have a bit of fun, even at work. That’ll see me through the primaries at least.

        1. Ball pits are also awesome! I considered that while watching people wading through the balloons at the convention. I bet the people who clean up after that mess don’t like balloons or confetti so much.

          Be careful that no one pees in the balls, though. I realize these people are supposedly adult, but we’re talking politicians.

  7. This might be a Brit thing, but what about asking Tomato Ketchup or HP Sauce?

    Or, books vs movies.

    Mayonnaise vs Salad Cream.

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