I’ve been thinking about how to reform our election system. At first I considered just having a boxing match, but you know how much trouble that would be, right? First it really wouldn’t be fair with older or female candidates, who might not have the same strength as younger, hotter opponents. Unless we’re talking Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton, both of whom I’m pretty sure would be very scary out in the ring. I wouldn’t go up against them.
You know we’d be talking major doping here (more than just being a dope, taking drugs) and selecting surrogate champions. He who has the most dollars can hire the best boxers! And we’d have boxer lobbyists, and endorsements from Nike, and so on. So boxing is out, even if it would be massively more entertaining than primaries, secondaries, caucuses, etc. It would work quite well for protestors. Just let the Bernie lunatic fringe and the Trump supporters go at it in one big ring, see what happens.
But what about a test? I mean we expect our kids to take a ridiculous amount of tests, so why not our candidates? These could be oral questions, but they would be yes / no and multiple choice, so no dancing around the topic like in debate. We are not giving them essay or short answer tests – we know how well that works. I have a lot of experience taking tests, so I have some good ideas for questions.
1.Do you use Twitter? Yes or No.
No equals 10 points. Yes is automatic dismissal
2. Did you watch Sesame Street and / or Mr. Rogers as a child?
Yes equals 1o points. No equals no cookies for YOU.
3. Which of these did NOT happen in the Bible?
A. Stoning people
B. Healing people
C. God giving Moses the Bill of Rights
D. A great, big, beautiful flood
Answer C 10 points. That was tricky! We all know it was Jesus who gave us the Constitution.
4. What do you think of really tall walls?
A. We’re just another brick in it.
B. Walls gooood!
C. Why are we discussing walls again?
Answer A and C 10 points. 5 more if you know who wrote The Wall!
5. What is your favorite amendment to the Constitution and why?
A. 2nd amendment cause it means we can all tote at least 10 machine guns, shoot people, and still get votes.
B. 1st amendment because it guarantees my freedom to curse and demean people who don’t follow the freedom of MY religion which is the ONLY religion.
C. There are more than 2 amendments?
D. All of the above!
E. None of these are right, you moron.
A, B, C, D – no points. E 10 points. Signed check to me means any answer is right. 10 points
6. What is the most important issue affecting the American people?
A. The GAYZZZ
B. Mexican Muslim rapist terrorists – they’re everywhere waiting to kill you!
C. Donald Trump. Oh, God, Donald Trump.
Answer C. 10 points. No, Bernie, I didn’t list food, shelter, and medical care for all. Gawd.
7. Does Canada look really good this time of year? Yes or No.
Yes – 10 points. No – you clearly haven’t been paying attention. O points and no beer.
8. Is it okay to lie, cheat, and steal? Yes or No.
Yes if you don’t get caught. 10 points. No if you are too dumb to hide your evidence. -10 points
9. I don’t like the candidate for my party. What should I do?
A. Vote for the candidate for the opposite party. Sure, why not?
B. Vote for a third party. Like the Unicorn party.
C. Vote for the candidate you’re given and LIKE IT.
D. Throw a big temper tantrum.
Answer – Vote for anyone who isn’t Trump, then run to Canada. 10 points.
10. How soon should you start campaigning for President?
A. As soon as the new president is elected.
B. No more than 6 months ahead of time.
Answer – C, C, C always go for C. 10 points
Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best test ever, but it’s a start. Anyone have ideas for other questions we should ask? Let me know in the comments below!