Monthly Archives: September, 2016

Rick Perry Dances with the Morons

Some uber important stuff happened last week, you guys!  No, not a cure to some dumb illness or anything, it was the premier of this season’s “Dancing with the Has-Been or Never Were Stars”!  We’ve had some bizarre people on the show before, like the 80-something-year-old astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, who had to be pushed around the floor like a shopping cart, and Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol.  Cause somehow even the children of famous people we hate get counted among the “stars” on this show.  As far as I can tell, her only “talent” came from getting pregnant in high school right when her mother was advocating abstinence for teenagers.  You have to give her points for that, I guess.

But what about this year?  Vanilla Ice is on, because, of course he is.  Also, we have an Olympian, and not just any Olympian, an Olympian who vandalizes property and lies about being robbed, really smoothing out international relations between the U.S. and Rio, just like Romney did by mentioning how much Britain sucked during the Olympics before that!  We’re on a roll, here.  Speaking of politicians who have no business on any floor, be it Senate or dance floor, we have our next, and my favorite, contestant: Rick Perry.

Our former governor and former presidential candidate. Real quote, guys.

Rick is so smarts.

You might remember ol’ Rick as one of the zillion Republican presidential candidates this year.  Or you might not, since he’s not that interesting and heck no one really remembers who was running this year except for Trump.  But we in Texas sure remember him cause he was, inexplicably, governor here for 14 years.  By his last term, though, even Texas hated the guy, so much so he was nearly beaten by a Democrat in a state that has gone red in all political elections for years.  Democrats don’t even bother running for a lot of posts.  Yet Rick sucked that bad.  So naturally he chose to run for president. And fail.  Twice.  What’s the logical next step?

A reality dancing show, naturally.  If Trump can go from reality show to politics, why can’t Rick go backwards?  He claims he is there to learn how to dance for his daughter’s wedding. You get a glimpse of his unfortunate daughter in the audience, attempting to hide behind the seats before she realizes the camera is on her and puts out a patented forced smile.  They really should have some sort of support group for the children of idiot politicians.  Yet just as he was while governor, Rick has no clue she’s uncomfortable.  He’s rarin’ to go!  No talent, no problem, is his motto.

Last week was his first dance of the year, and it was a goodie, folks.  Ya’ll, I mean, he was awesome.  First off, he forgot he was no longer governor in his introduction.  Then his dance partner proceeds to make fun of his Texas drawl, which I swear all of us do not have.  I don’t – and others, like Merry who have heard me speak, can vouch for it. But for some reason, others do, and sometimes they come from towns just miles away.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it.  Another department at work had a lady we used to call “Miss Twang”.  It was literally painful to be in her vicinity.

But I digress.  If you want to talk about pain, you gotta see this performance. Cause it’s not just about how Rick can’t dance, it’s how he chose the song “God Blessed Texas” (with Rick of course) and this massive set complete with Ferris wheel and no kiddin’ – corndog stand.  Here ya go.

So proud to be a Texan right now, ya’ll.  Here’s some of the reactions we heard around the web after his performance.  I highlighted a few favorites.

Jezebel: Rick Perry, with nothing else to do, will join Amber Rose and Vanilla Ice on Dancing with the Stars – where do you go after 14 years rolling back Texas abortion access and executing the mentally ill?  The dance floor, baby!

Twitchy.com: ‘Dances with the Stars’ teases the Rick Perry vs. Vanilla Ice dance-off we’ve been waiting for

Dallas Morning News: Is Rick Perry dancing the desperation boogie by joining ‘Dancing with the Stars?’  – “bless his heart” – says columnist Ken Herman

Texas Tribune: Rick Perry talks ‘Dancing with the Stars’, Senate speculation

VanityFair.com: Failed Presidential Candidate Rick Perry to join Ryan Lochte on ‘Dancing with the Stars’: Miraculously, Perry is not the first previously indicted Republican politician from Texas to appear on the reality show.

I love these article titles.  Desperation boogie.  Dance off between Vanilla Ice and Rick Perry (make it happen, guys, please!).  The inclusion of “Dancing with the Stars” and “Senate speculation” in the same sentence.  And finally, realizing that he is not the first indicted Republican politican from Texas to appear on this show. That’s incredibly specific there.  Which is why you should totally be watching.  I actually missed the first episode, and had to catch him on youtube, but you can bet I’ll be watching tonight to give you another report next Monday.  We’ll see if the judges’ reactions go from “Eh, you uh got out there um way to go?” to “You’re fired”.  Personally, I hope the voters keep him on there so we can torture him some more.  Because it is up to voters, since those meanie judges gave him 5 out of 10 stars. Rick thought this was awesome, cause he’s dumb.  No, Rick, sorry – that’s 50 percent.  In other words, FAIL.  But hey, you got out there and embarrassed yourself and your daughter, so props to you, sixty-something-year-old politician you!

To make up for that last performance, here’s another one that will amaze you.  It’s by Toni Basil, best known for her hit song “Mickey”.  She’s 72 now – no really she was 39 when Mickey came out – but she still dances better than I ever will.  Check it out.

Wow.  I found this incredibly inspiring.  So much so, I wrote a little song for Rick, to the tune of “Mickey”.

 

Oh Ricky, what a pity, you don’t understand

Don’t take her by the foot, no you take her by the hand

Oh Ricky you’re so dippy, stop running for office

Cause we hate you Ricky

Cause you’re so dumb, Ricky, dumb, Ricky

Go break a leg, Ricky!

 

Stay tuned!

~Alice

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Pokemon, Smart Phones, and the Rime of the Ancient Librarian

I think I mentioned before that I was one of the last hold outs on the whole “smart phone” thing.  I have a cell phone, but it just makes calls and texts.  The fact that I can text puts me above, say, my parents, but that’s about it.  Otherwise I am left in the dust.  Get out of the way, you stupid cars, my buggy has just as much right to be here as you do.

It’s strange to think that it wasn’t all that long ago (for someone who is like farthead 40) that we didn’t even have the things.  Can you remember what that was like?  I can.  It was such a total pain.  Like you had to go inside a building, or to a phone booth, and call someone if you needed something.  I’m pretty sure even homeless people have smart phones at this point, and they are only on the street corner to catch a Pokemon*.  But not me.  I didn’t even get my “dumb phone” until I was pregnant with crazy baby (Thing Two) .  I was at a point where it would not have been at all odd for me to suddenly burst into flames and have the doctors call it “just another wacky pregnancy thing”.  So I wanted a phone in case of baby emergency, and we weren’t even close to labor yet.

My current phone

My current phone

I think most people started that way.  I need a phone for emergencies.  Also to talk to my mom.  And keep tabs on my boyfriend.  And crush candy and pretend farm and catch imaginary monsters.  It’s IMPORTANT.  Heck with you, Superman, who now has to run inside a J.C. Penny’s to change thanks to us getting rid of the phone booths; we need our phones.  Why?  Because everyone else needs them, and the world goes along with everyone else.  It’s like everyone else is on cocaine, and I better get drugs fast, or I am never gonna fit into this world at all.

Are they even called smart phones anymore?  This is how out of touch I am.

Wait.  This is exactly what happened in Wonderland – you gotta be stoned to fit in.  Well, I guess we crossed that bridge with the presidential election a long time ago, so whatever.  My kids are some of the last kids not to have smart phones.  What is a good age to get a kid one of these phones?  I’ve seen toddlers with them, because you never know when little Jaxxon will need to make an urgent phone call.  “Juuuuice!” is something I so often hear them scream into their phones.  Or text with their pudgy fingers.  But seriously, no, it’s the educational games on the phones they like.  Because “Peek-a-Boo” takes up way too much time, and uses your hands, and now our wrists hurt from carpal tunnel.  But please give it back because Mommy has stuff to do.  Her crops are wilting, her boss has more Pokemon power-ups than she does, and Daddy is not going to stalk himself.

Crap I just lost all my data!

Crap I just lost all my data! Darn kids.

I don’t know what a Pokemon power-up is and I don’t want to know.

What’s this about stalking?  Oh, that’s a fun thing I learned from a 20-something co-worker a while back.  “See,” she said happily.  “I can tell where everyone I know is right now.  Here is my boyfriend at work.  Here’s mom at the grocery store.  Here’s all 72 of my best friends at the mall.”  I found this a little disconcerting.  “What if you don’t want someone to know where you are 24/7?” I asked.  She looked at me with a face that clearly did not comprehend the question.  Of COURSE you would want to know where everyone was all the time.  I told my husband about this feature.  He said if we ever get smart phones, he is tossing his in a truck going cross country.  I don’t blame him.

Yet I can only hold out so much longer because the world changes to fit our technology.  My kids are actually expected to have it and bring it to school for “Share your technology day” where they use their own expensive electronic devices instead of the school supplying them, and if these devices should be lost or stolen, the school is in no way responsible please sign here.

It’s not just phones, though, it’s technology period that is going haywire (pun intended).  Phones are just mini computers now, even smaller than the NUC on my desk.  That’s NUC not Nuke, though it certainly sounds like I have a rather dangerous bomb on my desk, but believe me it’s not even half as useful.  See at work they took away our computer towers and gave us these tiny boxes that have like one whole usb port in them for you to plug your stuff in, which certainly beats the towers which had a CD drive, several usb ports, and acted as a nice shelf for my office mate and me.  We were not impressed with these new boxes.  Yeah, they were smaller, but with one port you had to get another thingy to plug into it that is a square thing with 4 ports on in, so you can actually plug more than one thing in it at a time.  If you want me to explain what a usb port is, you are worse off than I am, but not by much.  All I know is it’s like an outlet.  I’m not even totally versed on how electricity works, except that you plug something in and ‘bing’ a light comes on.  It could be fairies coming through the wires for all I know (or care).

We no longer have monitors this large, but we are still just as stoned as these kids.

We no longer have monitors this large, but we are still just as stoned as these kids.

I don’t adjust well to new things, especially technology.  I refused to learn that wild mp3 thing until my husband bought one for me and showed me how and then I really liked this little thing I could store my music on.  Except now mp3 players, like the Sony Walkman cassettes and CDs, are so old that my snobby computer refuses to recognize the software. Seriously, it just totally ignores it, like, you are so not worth my time.  Why?  Because you can get that on your phone.  Along with a camera, a GPS, a best friend (hi Siri), and God only knows what else.  Why do my devices have to multitask?  I don’t expect my dryer to also take selfies and cook me a mean pot roast.  It dries clothes. That’s it.  But the computer at your fingertips does everything.  You can pay bills on the phone.  You can also check out books.

It should be known that I did not start using the library computer catalog until they removed the physical card catalog – the one with all the cards in it.  And I was one of them “Youngins” then.

If you don't remember what this is, I hate you.

If you don’t remember what this is, I hate you.

Yet you have to eventually give in just to keep up in this world.  I don’t want to be the only one not getting mugged in alleys or falling off cliffs while chasing pretend monsters.  So I guess I’ll have to get the smart phone.  And update my computer.  You know.  Eventually.

When they take away my pay-by-the-month dumb phone, most likely.

~Alice

*I so did not use Pokemon in the title just to get more hits.  Okay, I did.