Rick Perry Dances with the Morons

Some uber important stuff happened last week, you guys!  No, not a cure to some dumb illness or anything, it was the premier of this season’s “Dancing with the Has-Been or Never Were Stars”!  We’ve had some bizarre people on the show before, like the 80-something-year-old astronaut, Buzz Aldrin, who had to be pushed around the floor like a shopping cart, and Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol.  Cause somehow even the children of famous people we hate get counted among the “stars” on this show.  As far as I can tell, her only “talent” came from getting pregnant in high school right when her mother was advocating abstinence for teenagers.  You have to give her points for that, I guess.

But what about this year?  Vanilla Ice is on, because, of course he is.  Also, we have an Olympian, and not just any Olympian, an Olympian who vandalizes property and lies about being robbed, really smoothing out international relations between the U.S. and Rio, just like Romney did by mentioning how much Britain sucked during the Olympics before that!  We’re on a roll, here.  Speaking of politicians who have no business on any floor, be it Senate or dance floor, we have our next, and my favorite, contestant: Rick Perry.

Our former governor and former presidential candidate. Real quote, guys.

Rick is so smarts.

You might remember ol’ Rick as one of the zillion Republican presidential candidates this year.  Or you might not, since he’s not that interesting and heck no one really remembers who was running this year except for Trump.  But we in Texas sure remember him cause he was, inexplicably, governor here for 14 years.  By his last term, though, even Texas hated the guy, so much so he was nearly beaten by a Democrat in a state that has gone red in all political elections for years.  Democrats don’t even bother running for a lot of posts.  Yet Rick sucked that bad.  So naturally he chose to run for president. And fail.  Twice.  What’s the logical next step?

A reality dancing show, naturally.  If Trump can go from reality show to politics, why can’t Rick go backwards?  He claims he is there to learn how to dance for his daughter’s wedding. You get a glimpse of his unfortunate daughter in the audience, attempting to hide behind the seats before she realizes the camera is on her and puts out a patented forced smile.  They really should have some sort of support group for the children of idiot politicians.  Yet just as he was while governor, Rick has no clue she’s uncomfortable.  He’s rarin’ to go!  No talent, no problem, is his motto.

Last week was his first dance of the year, and it was a goodie, folks.  Ya’ll, I mean, he was awesome.  First off, he forgot he was no longer governor in his introduction.  Then his dance partner proceeds to make fun of his Texas drawl, which I swear all of us do not have.  I don’t – and others, like Merry who have heard me speak, can vouch for it. But for some reason, others do, and sometimes they come from towns just miles away.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it.  Another department at work had a lady we used to call “Miss Twang”.  It was literally painful to be in her vicinity.

But I digress.  If you want to talk about pain, you gotta see this performance. Cause it’s not just about how Rick can’t dance, it’s how he chose the song “God Blessed Texas” (with Rick of course) and this massive set complete with Ferris wheel and no kiddin’ – corndog stand.  Here ya go.

So proud to be a Texan right now, ya’ll.  Here’s some of the reactions we heard around the web after his performance.  I highlighted a few favorites.

Jezebel: Rick Perry, with nothing else to do, will join Amber Rose and Vanilla Ice on Dancing with the Stars – where do you go after 14 years rolling back Texas abortion access and executing the mentally ill?  The dance floor, baby!

Twitchy.com: ‘Dances with the Stars’ teases the Rick Perry vs. Vanilla Ice dance-off we’ve been waiting for

Dallas Morning News: Is Rick Perry dancing the desperation boogie by joining ‘Dancing with the Stars?’  – “bless his heart” – says columnist Ken Herman

Texas Tribune: Rick Perry talks ‘Dancing with the Stars’, Senate speculation

VanityFair.com: Failed Presidential Candidate Rick Perry to join Ryan Lochte on ‘Dancing with the Stars’: Miraculously, Perry is not the first previously indicted Republican politician from Texas to appear on the reality show.

I love these article titles.  Desperation boogie.  Dance off between Vanilla Ice and Rick Perry (make it happen, guys, please!).  The inclusion of “Dancing with the Stars” and “Senate speculation” in the same sentence.  And finally, realizing that he is not the first indicted Republican politican from Texas to appear on this show. That’s incredibly specific there.  Which is why you should totally be watching.  I actually missed the first episode, and had to catch him on youtube, but you can bet I’ll be watching tonight to give you another report next Monday.  We’ll see if the judges’ reactions go from “Eh, you uh got out there um way to go?” to “You’re fired”.  Personally, I hope the voters keep him on there so we can torture him some more.  Because it is up to voters, since those meanie judges gave him 5 out of 10 stars. Rick thought this was awesome, cause he’s dumb.  No, Rick, sorry – that’s 50 percent.  In other words, FAIL.  But hey, you got out there and embarrassed yourself and your daughter, so props to you, sixty-something-year-old politician you!

To make up for that last performance, here’s another one that will amaze you.  It’s by Toni Basil, best known for her hit song “Mickey”.  She’s 72 now – no really she was 39 when Mickey came out – but she still dances better than I ever will.  Check it out.

Wow.  I found this incredibly inspiring.  So much so, I wrote a little song for Rick, to the tune of “Mickey”.

 

Oh Ricky, what a pity, you don’t understand

Don’t take her by the foot, no you take her by the hand

Oh Ricky you’re so dippy, stop running for office

Cause we hate you Ricky

Cause you’re so dumb, Ricky, dumb, Ricky

Go break a leg, Ricky!

 

Stay tuned!

~Alice

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16 responses

  1. desperation boogie… well picked :o) he held her like a soldier a machine gun …not really a Fred Astaire :o)

    1. Nope! I also love his total lack of footwork. He seemed to be a stand that just twirled her around. He’s good at standing. He did that a lot as governor. Also sitting.

  2. Hey Mickey, Vanilla Ice sounds like a dessert.

    1. I think Vanilla Ice as a dessert would be cooler. Get it? Uh, yeah, that’s bad. I want him to fight it out with Rick. I’d totally tune it for that.

  3. Well now there is so much to dislike about Rick Perry. He is one of the deplorables in the basket. Really terrible in politics unless you actually enjoy having your rights taken away. Now it’s dancing he’s ruining. He just doesn’t stop. The question is, as you said in the post, why oh why is DWTS letting these assholes on the show in the first place? Rick Perry? Ryan Lochte? Come on now. And people are cheering for them! Sickening!The protesters who came to the one show with shirts with the red crossout circle over Lochte’s name were all escorted out. Even the ones just sitting in their seats wearing the shirts, And THEY were treated like the bad guys. Sheesh. Who will they get next year? Charles Manson (special permission to be out for the show), that “swimmer” also known as rapist, who got that short sentence?

    1. I could totally see it. Murderer special edition. They invite Charles Manson, and pretty soon most of the cast is willing to do whatever dance he wants. Women in the audience start asking to marry Scott Peterson because hey, he may have murdered his pregnant wife but that means he’s single! Also nice looking! I’m sure they’ll both dance really well, and if they don’t, no one will judge them.

  4. I don’t think he’s doing the Trump thing backwards – I think his plan was to become a reality star and then go to politics, like Trump.
    And although his performance was doomed when he couldn’t remember the third dance move, I still got to give him credit for dancing better than I do.

    1. The third dance move, haha. He was awful at his job and a terrible human being besides, so you have a great point there. His being governor of Texas was really just a 14 year reality show, gearing up for the ultimate dance off.

      If he gets a Senate seat, I wonder if he will challenge Cruz for the most hated senator by his own party?

  5. And to think I’d decided not to watch this season. What was I thinking? I’m setting the DVR tonight. Perry dancing in this is wrong on so many levels it’s almost right. What a funny post. Thanks for making me laugh. 🙂

    1. Thanks for laughing! If we don’t laugh, we cry. And the terrorists win.

  6. wtf? No tv and thankful.

    1. It’s too late for me, but save yourself!

  7. That Corey Feldman bit was the winner for me.

  8. Who are these people who cheer for such cringeworthy dances, they only encourage them and therefore should be cast out of ‘proper’ society. That or they should be given licence to heckle like a medieval mob.

    1. My girls and I definitely take license to heckle like a medieval mob. There may be throwing of things at the T.V. before it’s over.

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