Elsa vs Hans: 2016 Spooktacular Debate
Happy Halloween, guys. I’ve never really liked this holiday, even when I was little. Sure, I liked the candy, but they usually gave you those circus peanut things. Also you never looked as good in your costume as the girl on the cover, partly because they left out half the items she’s wearing, and partly because you weren’t the girl on the cover. But I digress, I have a fictional debate to run. They do wear nice costumes, though.
I would have added in a jump scare with either of our actual candidates, but since you never know what picture WP will decide to add to the preview, I’ll just stick to the evil hag who at least knows the issues that matter to her.
Boo! Where’s my beeping check?
Okay, off to the races. We have our first, and only, Arendelle presidential debate since this is Disney where the dream that you wish will come true.
First off, we have our moderator, Belle, because of course the only one who reads books would be stuck with it.
Welcome to the debate. Let’s try to be civil here.
Wishful thinking, Belle. Next comes the introduction of the candidates, who walk on stage in their usual subtle style. Here come Prince Hans and Queen Elsa.
So sorry. Someone forgot my fog machine.
Politics never bothered me anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
Right. So first question is for Elsa. You have a bad history of causing environmental problems. What do you have to say about this?
Well, I was born with these ice powers so my parents locked me in my room most of my life and then they died so when I got out I . . . well . . . this ice storm happened.
Her sister annoyed her and she let loose with these freaked out icicles that nearly killed us and then the entire kingdom fell into a nuclear winter. I know, I was there.
In all fairness, this was a long time ago and I have my powers totally under control. Let it go, Hans.
Except for the time you had that cold and created millions of tiny animate snowballs.
My health is fine now. And we found a nice home for the snowgies,
Yes, they are totally safe up on the mountain with the abominable snowman you also made. And then there’s Olaf . . .
Moooving on. This one is for you, Hans. You are accused of trying to murder Anna and Elsa in order to steal their kingdom. How do you answer these accusations?
I don’t think I introduced you to my lovely wife and kids yet! By the way, I should point out that Elsa does not have either.
Wait . . . what?
Hans invites his family up on stage and introduces them.
Meet my wife Barbie, and my adorable baby twins, Hans II, and Helsa.
That . . . didn’t answer the question. Also – your family is in a box.
They like it in there. Elsa could never have family values. She has no family except Anna and her brother-in-law with that weird affection for reindeer . . .
I am the first Disney heroine not to need a man. Besides Merida and Mulan. And no internet, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Okay, final question. How do you both plan to make Arendelle great again?
First, I’m going to arrest Elsa. Also her sister. And anyone else I don’t like. Then I’m going to build a giant wall around the city to keep out Muslim terrorists like Aladdin and Jasmine. I’m going to cut taxes on myself, because I will give jobs to people like Tiana who come from black inner cities where there’s all that violence and whatnot. I’ll grab any girl I please or just leave them to die. And I will murder all the little children training to be Jedi in the temple. And if you don’t elect me, I’ll take my minions and start riots in the streets.
. . .
Wow. I don’t. . . did you just say that?
Of course not! What candidate would be stupid enough to admit all of that? I’m going to buy kittens for every person in Arendelle.
If I am elected, I will treat all citizens of Arendelle as equals! And I swear not to, like, freeze them again – or I’ll fix it when I do. I mean – look at your alternative.
Ah . . . that was – really frightening. So ends the debate. Good luck people of Arendelle. I’m heading back to France.
So the debate is over? Time for the election! I mean I’m sure no more scandals will surface or anything. Like – does anyone know or care about the running mates? Is Hans really going to give people kittens or could there be something slightly sinister behind him? Has Elsa ever changed clothes since she put on that sparkly dress? How did Hans change clothes in the middle of the debate? Will this be done in one more post long before the presidential election (in NINE DAYS not to frighten you)? Yes.
You’re welcome.
~Alice
This is Your Brain on Politics
Hello, all, for a change I decided to write a post on stupid politics. This one, though, is about the effect of politics, and this election specifically, on mental health. I know – who would get mental problems from this election? It is posted on a mental health blog called Canvas of the Minds. It’s a great site where bloggers from all over blog about mental health. Sometimes with snark – if they are me. So please visit Canvas and check out the other authors as well, or let those in your life who deal with this fun stuff know about it too. I will close comments so people will, hopefully, comment over there.
Couldn’t figure out how to reblog. So here is the link. LINK DROP!
This is Your Brain on Politics
Thanks
~Alice
Elsa vs. Hans: The campaign continues
With the election season underway, Hans and Elsa got prepared the typical way. With parties from campaign donors.
Why, thank you, ladies. I deeply respect . . . your money.
Party conventions
This year’s Elsa convention held in my backyard.
TV interviews
The Belle Show
And of course, lots of political ads.
I love it when I find just what I need on Google images.
But that’s just preparation for the big debate. Elsa leaves a quick thank you for her supporters.
After a careful Twitter search . . .
Oh oh. Elsa better keep hold of her supporters, especially the easily persuaded. Not that there are many of those . . . yeah. So we finally hear from the campaign managers of both campaigns.
Mother Gothel here to promote the Hans campaign. Arendelle needs a strong leader like Hans who does not freeze countries. Or shoot icicles at people. Etc.
Ah, Mother Gothel? Now why would she promote Hans? What is their connection? How did she come back from the dead? Questions, questions.
Shang spoke for his candidate, Elsa.
Elsa is clearly the superior candidate. She isn’t a sociopath, she’s never been in prison – well just once, and she’s a strong, loving ruler. Also – check out my pectorals.
So now they are ready for the first debate. Later their VP candidates will debate too. Hans tried to choose himself, but needed someone else. You’ll soon find out, but any guesses would be fun. Stay tuned for coverage of this ridiculous, historic event.
~Alice
Elsa vs Hans: The 2016 Arendelle Presidential Race
What, another election? Don’t worry, this one will be blessedly short, which is great. It also involves fictional people, which makes it even better. Also it gives me something to do cause I’m bored.
As with all monumental decisions, it started with a Facebook post.
Hans wasted no time getting his press coverage in. On Facebook. Of course.
Rapunzel had a good idea there. Popcorn makes almost everything better. I’m stocked in it for early next month. Next came the search for campaign managers and running mates. Yes, in this election the primaries were skipped because most Disney royalty are not stupid enough to run in an election. They stayed with Facebook for candidates, because I kept losing my camera. I mean it’s more efficient. Better than Twitter anyway. #twitterisforlosers
After whacking her head against some ice a few times, Elsa tries again.
Oh, if only it were so easy, Elsa. So many questions. How DID Hans get out of prison this time? Who is helping his campaign? How many scandals will surface? Will I find my camera or just have the whole thing done on Faceboook? Shouldn’t we consider that for the next election?
Stay tuned.
~Alice
I Can’t Take It Anymore: Timeline Part Two
Welcome back to the year of . . . Fun, Fun, Fun. And Hell. Let’s see if we can get through this timeline of politics and a few other things. I might have missed a war or two. I’m stopping before November because I’m not sure if we will actually survive it, and why waste a post? Here we go!
Don’t you just love presidential debates?
March 2016
North Caroline debates about the big issues – like who goes to what potty.
Ben Carson wakes up slightly and realizes he’s still in the Republican presidential race. He drops out – onto the floor probably.
We also lose Marco Rubio, so I will sadly no longer get to use the “Marco Polo” joke anymore.
“Let me put it plainly, if we Republicans choose Donald Trump as our nominee, the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished” – Quote by Mitt “Mittens” Romney. Mitt Romney is making sense now. Be afraid.
April 2016
Sanders and Hillary go head to head in debate. People hit the deck in case of blood spurts.
Trump continues to act like an rabid chimp throwing poo. Naturally he starts winning major states.
Cruz names Carly “standing witchface” Fiorina as his VP. She takes a dive off the stage. Great times.
May 2016
Six days after picking a VP, Cruz drops out of the race. A day later, Kasich (you know, that guy) drops out too.
This leaves only Trump in the race. Other countries are looking at us like “I am so not hanging out with you anymore, U.S.”
Breaking Report: Cute kittens continue to be born, filmed on youtube.
June 2016
U.N. has Brexit, which is not the meal between breakfast and lunch, but a withdrawal from the European Union. It doesn’t go so well.
Paul “The Weasel” Ryan says he’ll vote for Trump.
Five days later Paul “The Weasel” Ryan calls Trump a racist. Like you just now noticed, Weasel Boy?
Hillary has enough votes to win the primary making her the first woman presidential candidate. Sanders does not see her winning as a reason to leave. Not when he can still annoy her.
Want to see pics of my teens when they were cute babies?
July 2016
Japan manufactures the last videocassette recorder. Now what do we do with these VHS tapes? Thanks!
The F.B.I. gets really tired of reading through Hillary’s emails, most of which probably involved online receipts for anti-aging cream, photos of her grandchild, and complaints of “how do you work this thing again?”. Lucky for us, the Republicans will continue to talk about her treason for years to come. Please, Hillary, get Chelsea to teach you texting!
Sanders gives in and endorses Hillary. His lunatic fringe supporters go nuts cause how dare he act respectful? Isn’t that “out” this election?
Cruz is booed for not endorsing Trump, ironically the only intelligent decision he’s ever made.
Wikileaks (Doncha just love these guys? Doncha?) leaks what everyone pretty much already knew. The Democratic Chair was a lying liar who lied and manipulated stuff. I’m sure this has never before happened with the chairs of either party.
Sloths seal their place as my spirit animal.
August 2016
2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. A U.S. Olympian gets drunk, vandalizes stuff, then claims he was robbed, thus keeping up good international relations.
Trump takes on a new campaign manager, which surprises everyone cause who knew he had one?
Clinton aide separates from her husband, the infamous Anthony Weiner. At least Hillary’s cheating husband was not named Weiner.
We still have the Wiener dog races. Check ’em out.
September 2016
The U.S. and China, responsible for 40 percent of the world’s carbon emissions, ratify global climate agreement. And say “Our bad.”
Hillary called out for calling Trump supporters “deplorables.” They get on her when she lies AND tells the truth!
Hillary and Trump react to the New York City bombing. Trump says “Hillary did it.”
First smack down debate between Hillary and Trump. Trump acts grouchy, sniffs, and says “wrong” a lot. Hillary is giddy with excitement. She’s been preparing for this for DECADES.
Did I mention kittens?
October 2016
VP candidates have debate. Supposedly Pence did well because he did not try to punch Kaine in his smiling face. Trump’s reaction? Extreme jealousy of his running mate. Right.
Tapes are released of Trump bragging about assaulting women. For some reason, people are actually surprised, and Republicans begin leaving his side in droves to protect themselves.
Wikileaks dumps info on Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Goldman Sachs. Apparently, she was paid, and she said stuff that she’s said before anyway.
Trump and Hillary have their second debate, town hall style. Trump takes this to mean he should impersonate various animals including weasel, bear, shark, and toddler. Neither candidate really answers a question, thus keeping to the status quo.
Third and Final (or people will start rushing the stage) debate. Donald starts out almost normal, then goes boom. He decides he doesn’t have to concede the election because who needs democracy?
Trump adds to his statement saying he won’t accept the results “Unless he wins.” Pence backs this up, saying they don’t have to if they don’t wanna.
I decide to pick my own reality too and build a blanket fort in my living room. I invite anyone else in who needs to escape the planet a while. I am playing Disney films and eating Oreos.
Just 17 days to go till D day! But, really, what could happen in a a 2 and a half weeks?
Don’t answer that.
~Alice
Disney Villains watch the Final Presidential Debate
I figured, when watching this last debate, who better to help out than those who know politics best: Disney villains. The Things helped gather all those we could find for a focus group. Maleficent got caught in traffic, or so she said. And Cinderella’s evil stepmother was busy working on the third party (the evil party) campaigns of her stepdaughters. But most of them showed up, partly because I promised them pardons from their respective kingdoms.
They’re all ready to take notes. We’ll see how long it takes them to figure out this isn’t Dance Moms.
First question: What’s your opinion on the second amendment that guarantees your right to free arms? Should there be gun restrictions, yadda.
Gaston: YES! GUNS!
Jafar: What about magic?
Hans: Sword will do in a pinch.
Second question: What do you think of abortions, specifically late term abortions?
Mother Gothel: I love children! Especially ones with magical hair I can kidnap.
Ursula: I prefer after birth abortions. But really, who needs a voice?
Third question: What is your stance on immigration? Should we build a wall or help them become citizens?
Jafar: Keep out the street rats
Gaston: I say we shoot them.
Hans: I wouldn’t mind them building me a castle first.
Fourth Question: Wikileaks has been leaking secret information, possibly from Russia. What do you think of that?
Ursula: It IS nice to have blackmail against people, bwahahaha.
Mother Gothel: Wikileaks sounds like a plumbing problem.
Fifth question: How do you plan to help the economy?
Hans: Tax cuts for villains. The evil will trickle down. Others: Works for us.
Sixth Question: Do you believe you are fit to be president? Is it okay to grope women?
Gaston: Groping women is great!
Evil Hag: Only if we get to grope back.
Sixth question: Let’s talk about ISIS, Syria, and Iraq. How are you going to fix it all?
What are those? I want to know about my social security!
Seventh Question: How are we going to fund Social Security, Medicare, and control the National Debt?
Evil Hag: My economy was based purely on beauty products. We were fine. Now give me my check.
Will you accept the results of the election?
Gaston: No.
Jafar: No.
Hans: I’m going to say yes, because it sounds good. Then I’ll kill my opponent.
Any closing statements?
Hans: I think we all know I’d be best at this thing. I’m a sociopath, but I’m subtle about it.
Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads!
So I guess they got as much out of the debate as the rest of us. The most important question was one that was so easy for Mr. Trump. Will you agree to transfer power? He sorta answered that one wrong. As Hans knows, you have to be subtle to truly make it in politics. Tsk Tsk.
Did any of you see the debate? What did you think of it?
~Alice
I can’t take it anymore: a timeline of the past year!
“Rock n Roller Cola Wars,
I can’t take it anymore!”
– Billy Joel
When did America turn into Game of Thrones?
“We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It’s a song by Billy Joel that goes through a history book picking out all the awesome (Television!) and not so awesome (Vietnam!) things that had gone on in his life up until around the 1980s. I believe he ended with “Rock n roller cola wars, I can’t take it anymore.” Well, Billy, you really didn’t guess what was coming up next.
I did a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” type post a few years ago. But I still stopped up way too early. So I figured, why not take the last year or so and see what happens? Hint: Very bad things. And a few, I guess, are good. Please note: I faithfully did a Google search from July 2015 to October of 2016 and it seems most timelines tend to stop before 2015. There is a reason for this. No matter, trust in Alice and Wikipedia and such. I have split this post because it got so long. Like the past year. So, so, so long.
July 2015
Oregon makes marijuana legal. Just in time.
Scott Walker, jerk Wisconsin governor with a personal vendetta against those fat cat teachers, announces his run for President. wee.
The U.S. and Iran talk nukes. Or something. Whatever.
President Obama questions the use of solitary confinement in U.S. prisons. For prisoners anyway. Politicians on the other hand . . .
A gunman opens fire. At two military institutions, a crowded theater, and more. I’m sure we will nip this thing in the bud soon.
John Kasich becomes the 16th person to seek nomination of the Republican party. Yup. SIXTEENTH.
August 2015
Street corner sized sinkhole forms in Brooklyn, New York. I see foreshadowing for this year.
First debate before the 2016 Republican Primaries is held. Conservative white dudes as far as the eye can see. Also Ben and Carly. Also Donald Trump (more like circus peanut than dude), but who would take HIM seriously?
Jon Stewart, in an effort to preserve sanity (he had no idea), retires from the Daily Show
Subway starts to really regret hiring that Jared guy.
More people shot. To change things up, someone goes after people in a movie theater this month with an ax. Netflix looking much better.
McDonald’s and Tyson foods horrified that a Tennessee based farm “stomps on chickens”. No stomping before deep frying – it’s a rule.
September 2015
Just keep in mind that people are shot every month.
Clerk Kim Davis refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples. It’s sort of her job to sign her name on stuff, so she gets in trouble. Republicans make her a hero.
Stephen Colbert succeeds David Letterman as Late Night host. Humor is all that will get us through.
Police in Irving, Texas agree to drop charges on that kid who carried an alarm clock to school. Guns = good. Alarm clocks = bad.
Rick Perry, hated even by Republicans in TEXAS, drops out of the race. So does Scott Walker. Awwws.
Pope Francis visits the U.S. and does a lot of important things but no one remembers anything except for Kim Davis crashing his party.
October 2015
Unemployment rate drops to 5 percent, the same as when the recession hit in 2007. But Obama is still a Muslim commie.
Jim Webb drops out of the Democratic race. Who was he again?
Hillary Clinton answers 8 hours worth of questions on that Benzhai thing. Next up, Republicans plan to force her to watch 8 hours of Fox News – she’ll really give up her secrets then.
That other guy no one knew drops out of the Democratic presidential race. No one notices.
World Health Organization finds that sausage and ham and everything you love causes Cancer.
November 2015
Newspapers report that like, oil companies knew fossil fuels were bad for the environment.
At the Republican debate, 7 candidates try to team up on Trump, hurling mud, insults, and threatening to tell Mom. Well that last one was just Jeb.
At the Democratic debate, Hillary and Sanders argue about health care and other blah stuff, while O’Malley waves his hand wildly, hoping to speak.
More gunmen, but one baseball team beats another one, so hooray!
December 2015
More people drop like flies from the presidential race. Everyone’s waiting for Trump to shout “Just kidding!” and leave.
Terrorist attack in San Bernardino. Donald Trump has the answer – ban all Muslims, just to make sure. Yet he’s still in the race.
Two other guys drop out though.
Bill Cosby gets an arrest warrant. No more pudding for him.
“This is not the type of campaign we run” – said by Bernie Sanders in a Democratic debate. Sorry, Bern, seems this IS the kind of campaign we run. Extra crispy crazy.
January 2016
Artists boycott the Oscars because there aren’t enough African Americans nominated. A lot of America boycotts it because it’s so boring.
Zika virus appears. Donald Trump calls for banning all mosquitoes from the United States.
Jeb releases entertaining political ads, such as the one where he calls Trump a jerk. No really.
The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran has dismantled their nukes. United Nations gives them a pat on the back. Many Americans say “Wait, there were nukes?”
February 2016
North Korea launches a long range rocket into space in a desperate bid for attention.
Poor Democratic nominee Martin O’Malley (can I talk? can I talk NOW?) drops out. Sanders and Hillary too busy hissing and scratching to notice.
Former Prez Jimmy Carter picks Trump over Cruz. Cruz, dude, that’s just not good.
Quitting the Republican race: Jeb! (sadly the only partially sane candidate), Carly Fiorina (standing witchface), and Rand Paul (really a Libertarian unicorn).
Supreme Court Justice Scalia dies, and people mourn for roughly five seconds before pondering who gets his seat.
Stay tuned for Part Two – if you darrre.
Manifesto of a Trump Supporter
A couple of days ago, my husband brought me a “letter” that had been shoved in my mailbox with no stamp. Since it’s a federal offense to mess with someone’s mailbox, either some unhinged person committed a crime to get this important info to me, or my mailman is Mr. McCreepy. Pretty sure my mailman is not McCreepy, but someone creepy was there, at my house, and he brought me what can only be considered the manifesto of a seriously whacked out person – possibly on crack.
In case you were wondering, even after the title, this was a from a Trump supporter. Now I’m not saying all Trump supporters are whacked out maniacs. Some are quite reasonable when it comes to everyday life until you get to politics, at which point some spring in their heads goes ‘boing’ and all systems shut down. I’m fairly sure, though, that this guy falls in the whacked out maniac category. Anyway, without further ado, here it is. Click to better view the Cray.
Yup, totally normal.
Apparently there’s a website (this is why it’s important to bring a buddy with you if you venture out into the Internet) out there called bamboo-delight.com. I’m not sure what bamboo has to do with antisemitism and bizarre conspiracy theories, but there you go. What’s odd about the original print out is that it says George Bush is the evil one working with the Jews to destroy the world. Mr. McCray had to add in Hillary at the top in order to update things, since this is archival cray here. And since the print out uses Bush, then clearly it’s not just a Republican / Democrat thing. It’s a . . . all government is evil thing. And the Jews. Don’t forget them.
As bad as this print out is, it’s still not quite as bad as the person writing his (or her?) own notes on it. You should notice multiple websites scribbled in ink which I am NOT going to click on because I can only imagine the cooties my computer will consume. But we’ve got totally reputable sounding ones like “DarkMoon dot me”, “The forbidden truth dot com”, “Truth11 dot com”, “tortured in America dot org”, “stoppoliticalassassinations dot com” and you can’t forget the blog “Care and washing of the brain at blogspot dot com”. I have written out the dot coms because I really don’t want these people tracing back to my blog. I already have to do a care and washing of my brain at this point.
And another thing – aren’t people who would type out something like this be the type who would advocate assassinating candidates? They’ve always had sane reasons before, like the one who tried to kill Ronald Reagan because he wanted to impress Jodi Foster. Makes total sense.
I did look up the word “ussa” since the writer cautioned people that we were either the USA or the USSA. The USSA seemed to either be a sports team or auto insurance. But then I found the truth on Wikipedia. See back in college Barack Obama was forming the American Socialist States of America. Oh, okay. The Wikipedia article knows this to be true, because “Michelle noticed that Obama had a mustache, much like ol’Hitler and Joseph Stalin, and left him for that guy who lost the 2004 elections”. This comes from something known as the Uncyclopedia, which I like to think people don’t actually believe is real, because that makes me feel better.
He also seems concerned about gun ownership, because surely he needs to defend himself against Hillary, who is in league with THE JEWS and probably that commie Barack Obama. He lists gun owners dot com and the America Defense Fund dot com site. That this guy probably has weapons makes me feel all gushy inside, like my insides have been splattered. We should probably all be wearing bullet proof vests at this point. Because you never know when one of these guys is going to walk up to your door. Or a Jew. Because . . . Jews.
That he has seized on the Jews as a scapegoat is a little odd, because – didn’t Hitler kind of do that? And he’s supposedly not wanting a Hitler. So you’d think he’d just stick with Muslims, minorities, immigrants, women, and well most of the population, like Trump does. It’s been effective for the guy so far. But no, Hillary is truly evil and she and her Jew army (just what?) are going to take over the U.S.A. and then won’t you be sorry. So be sure and look up all the youtube links and find out the truth for yourself. Or don’t, really, don’t do it.
You think he’s done, but there’s a back page. No more print, just scribbles.
Ooookay.
And don’t forget these sites! “One humanity, one love” especially grips me. Because this guy is clearly calling for tolerance here. Unless, you know, you don’t vote for Trump. Or you’re Jewish.
So what to make of all of this? I think it demonstrates one very chilling truth. Trump is not the scariest part of this election. It is the people who have consistently supported him who scare me. People who think it’s okay to be racist, sexist, and hateful. Who want there to be “one humanity” that is them. If you aren’t like them, then stay behind your wall. Stay in your country that is bombed everyday. Because at this point, I don’t know how much better it is over here. I thought we had come so far. I was wrong. People like this guy still exist, and worse, there are so many others, enough to get Trump nominated for president of our country. And it’s not just the rich white men. It’s poor people, minorities, and women voting for him. I don’t understand that at all.
How can you vote for someone who thinks that YOU, yes, YOU are not worthy of respect. Who thinks it’s okay to send people away or discriminate against them because of their religion, or the color of their skin, or their lack of wealth, or their gender. I’ve always been a Democrat, but while I disagree with Republicans on many issues, I’ve never actually been scared of one before, scared of what he will do with this country. Hillary is not an angel. But even Trump admitted that she doesn’t give up. She keeps going, no matter how many insults are hurled at her. And in this campaign, all decency and decorum has been thrown out the window. You can hate Hillary. But Trump – he is the leader to fear. He speaks to the worst in all of us – to the fear, to the hate, to the anger that we all have because of injustices in this country, to the need to blame somebody.
You want someone to blame? We must blame ourselves. Because things have gotten truly bad here, enough that Trump has been able to seize on our weaknesses to bring himself to power. But he is not the one to fix the problems in this country. That’s up to us. We have more power than we realize. There are more of us than there are of people like him. Yet almost 50 percent of the country refuses to vote. Half of the country. Do you think those votes could make a difference? Maybe not individually, but together, oh yes it can. I’m not telling you to vote for Hillary. But please, vote for someone. Vote for third party, write in someone, use your voice, use your right that people fought and died for, because that is our power.
It’s time we put it to use.
Alice and the Things take on the 2nd Presidential Debate
Or as much as we could stomach of it. Which was about one hour. Though as soon as Donald made one comment in an earlier video (minutes before it actually started) Thing Two said she was done. But she soldiered on. They are asked questions from an audience of uncommitted voters and moderators. I remember Anderson, but forget the other moderator and don’t want to look it up. I tried to break up the different questions, but it’s honestly hard to tell. Here it goes:
Anderson Cooper – Hello and welcome.
Thing One : Anderson’s thinking “Kill me now.”
First audience question: Do you think this election has been good for kids since it could have had “mature rating”. Are you modeling appropriate behavior for today’s youth?
As Hillary rambles, Donald is making faces behind her. Especially frowns when Hillary says I want your vote, but I think we should bring the country together.
Trump: Yeah, everything she said. I started this campaign because I was tired of what was going on in the country. I can’t believe I’m saying this about myself, but I guess I am a politician.
Me: I can’t believe you’re a politician either
Thing One: I think he’s making up percentages. Neither one is answering the question. It’s just more about their campaigns.
Me: Yeah I had to look at the question again cause I totally forgot.
Thing One: He’s talking so softly. Maybe Trump IS sick from the air sniffing.
Anderson Cooper: And grabbing women’s . . .
Thing One: This is NOT age appropriate.
Trump: Well we have terrorists chopping off heads . . .
Me: Wait, what? Are we talking about women now, or terrorists, or . . .
Thing Two: I don’t like this
Thing One: Go check on our cinnamon rolls
Anderson: So you never touched women without their consent?
Trump: I have always had respect for women
Me: That’s why I call them big and fat.
Trump: Gonna build borders
Thing One: What does that have to do with women?
Thing Two: Mom, look at Hillary’s face. She looks bored.
Hillary: I’ve disagreed with other candidates but never questioned their ability to be president. Donald Trump is not fit to be president. He’s nasty to women, POWs, Muslims, everyone else, etc. Oh snap
Thing One: Trump is starting to walk around now
Thing Two: I think Trump’s lip is falling off his face. Donald, you orange freak.
Hillary: We are great because we are good. (huh?) And we will get people to behave again.
Thing One: If we have to put everyone in time-out corner.
Trump: I want to answer on this. Blah blah blah Hillary words blah blah.
Moderator: Mr. Trump please stop talking
Trump: She gets to talk and I don’t? Whine.
Moderator: Here’s an online campaign question. Something about shameful actions – choose one. And you have two minutes.
Trump: Did I mention I have great respect for women? Oh and Bill Clinton. And Hillary’s mean too.
Applause cause of what he just brought up, which was – I’m not even sure what the question is – did it change? It’s not up on the board so we can’t tell.
Hillary: I am reminded of what my friend Michelle Obama (did I mention MICHELLE?) said – when they go low, you go higher. (higher cheers) Brings up the Muslim family whose son died in combat. He never apologized to this person, to this person, to this person . . . he owes our country an apology
Me: They both do.
Trump: You owe other people an apology – I saw vicious commercials of Michelle talking about you – talk about friend, nanner. And Bernie Sanders, you didn’t win fair and square. I suddenly care about this.
Thing Two: Trump says: In third grade I got in trouble for being racist . . .
Me: He would never admit that..
Trump: I didn’t think I would say this but . . . (yeah right) when I’m president I am going to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation.
Thing One: Hillary is smiling so wide, ha ha!
Me: Now she’s actually laughing silently
Hillary: (thrilled – she may break out into another dance) It is good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge.
Trump: Cause you’d be in jail
Applause. No, really.
Anderson: Quit wasting time.
Other moderator: Yes let’s. Now Hillary about your emails.
Me: AGAIN? Yes let’s not waste time.
Hillary: Yeah I was kinda dumb but haven’t they kinda already grilled me on this enough? Also I had a lot of secrets cause I was Secretary of State (unlike youuu Donald) and so there was classified info.
Trump: She didn’t know the letter “c” on a document.
Thing One: She got a grade on her document?
Thing Two is laying down with headphones listening to music.
Thing One: Wait he’s going against Republicans now? That’s not helping.
Me: Thing Two, I smell Republicans. Wait, I mean cinnamon rolls.
Moderator: We need to move on.
Trump: Ramble, ramble.
Moderator: Please let her respond
Trump: Ramble ramble ramble.
Hillary: I know, Donald, you want to distract things since the Republicans are all dumping youuuu.
Trump: What about emails?
Another audience question finally: Obamacare hasn’t helped much. How will you bring costs down, etc?
Moderator: That’s for you, Hillary
Hillary: Oh he can take it.
Thing One: Yes go for it, mess yourself up
Moderator: No you, Hillary.
Thing Two begins making a representation of the debate with Yoda, a bear, an inflated palm tree, a cardboard Zelda shield, and tiny anime people. I don’t understand it, but it makes as much sense as anything else.
Trump starts rambling about how Obamacare BAD.
Anderson: Time up Trump! Oh, uh, Hillary didn’t your husband say Obamacare was stupid?
Hillary is very smooth picking up on this. I still don’t understand it, but hey she’s cool about it.
Hillary: It was meant to do all these things . . . So 20 million people do have health insurance which is something. If we rip it off we give it back to the insurance cause . . .
Anderson: Time is up. (probably takes a stiff drink)
Trump rambles on. Anderson attempts to direct the question. In any direction.
Trump: It’s gonna be so good.
Anderson: But specifics on what you’re doing?
Trump: It was a fraud. Competition. And stuff.
Audience question: Uh I’m a Muslim. What are you going to do about Islamaphobia?
Trump: That’s too bad, but hey you guys are all terrorists. And Obama and Hills won’t say the word. They won’t, they won’t.
Thing Two: Cinnamon rolls are burnt, just like the state of our country.
Hillary: Dangerous talk about your people, a gift to terrorists. We aren’t at war with Islam.
Moderator: What about the Muslim ban?
Trump: By the way that Muslim captain whose parents I made fun of? If I had been president, he’d still be alive
Me: Cause he’s like God?
Moderator: Could you please tell if the Muslim ban stands? You know, the question I asked.
Trump: Hillary and Obama want tons of Muslims. Trojan horse!
Moderator: Will you take these Syrian refugees in when they might be dangerous?
Hillary: There are children suffering, etc. We are not carrying the load of Europe. We have vetting.
Thing One: Pretty sure these guys just want to get away from war not be troublemakers.
Me: That makes too much sense, Thing One.
Hillary: You were for the war on Iraq, Trump, it’s on tape. Like real tape.
Trump: No I wasn’t. You were for it.
Moderator: Okay . . .
Trump: Hey she got 25 more seconds earlier. There are really bad people coming in.
Thing One: And uh some are just normal families?
Thing Two is using a Gaston doll from Beauty and Beast to talk: How about I run for president! I would be perfect!
Moderator question: Wikileaks stuff. Hillary you said you had a private and a public position on it? Is that being two-faced?
Hillary: Uh, that quote was from me talking about a movie on Abraham Lincoln.
Thing Two with Gaston: I will make sure all women are treated bad and all books are banned!
Me: He’s like a good looking Trump.
Thing Two: The debate: Poopy face, Poopy head!
Thing One is making Elsa fly.
Trump: She’s blaming the lie on Abraham Lincoln. Honest Abe never lied.
Thing One: Really? You know this?
Trump: Russians. They aren’t really hacking. I know nothing about about Russians.
Me: Well true, except Putin.
Thing Two: I think I know who the liar is.
Trump goes on about how much taxes he has paid. Hillary stands there and smiles broadly.
Thing Two: Hillary “I smell something fishy. It’s Trump!”
Person in audience: What would you do to change the tax code?
Thing Two: the worst job in the world is moderator
Trump: blah blah negative ads blah Hillary complains but hasn’t helped stuff blah I’m lowering taxes for corporations
Me: Yes that would help.
Hillary is most fun to watch while Trump speaks. Blink. Blink.
Thing One: Do the rich still pay their fair share? Question mark. No, not gonna answer? Nope, figures.
Hillary is shaking her head.
Thing Two: Hillary looks like she has a Vanilla Ice song in her head, gettin’ down.
Hillary: I hate to keep saying everything he says is a lie (but I will). Kinda funny that he has avoided so many taxes and he’s telling about how he’ll fix it. In my plan, nobody who makes less than 250,000 will be taxed.
Me: Well girls, we are very very VERY safe on her plan. Take off the 2, you got a little more than our combined salaries. Aren’t there commercial breaks???
Thing Two is talking. Thing One: Thing Two, I’m trying to understand this debate even though it makes no sense.
Trump: Much of my tax stuff is depreciation -that made Hillary’s head jerk up. Now she’s grinning open mouthed as he goes on.
Trump: It’s all talk and no action.
Thing Two: Mee mee mee mee
Thing One: Bernie is getting tired of Trump using his quotes too much.
Thing Two: I miss Bernie. He’s better than them.
Trump: Why didn’t you do anything as senator?
Hillary: Cause I was under a Republican president.
Snap! Applause. Clearly this is a one line zinger debate.
Thing Two: Hillary should get it. 1. Political experience. 2. Not Trump 3. Nice earrings 4: Balances out what’s in her mind.
Thing One: She’s like an old Elsa!
Thing Two: Trump is thinking “all around me are familiar facesss”
We’ve all lost track of what’s going on.
Moderator: Mr. Trump we’re gonna move on. We’re gonna move on. Move on. Okay solve the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Two minutes.
Hillary is talking. The girls are starting to snap at one another, there is the an inflatable tree involved.
Me: How many minutes are we in?
Thing One: It’s 9:04 – it’s been an hour.
Thing Two: I want to go to bed now.
T.V. goes off. Snap!
Hope you enjoyed out report from the front. If anything else happened, we have no idea, nor do we care at this point. We’re not even sure what happened while we were watching. There’s only so much sanity you can spare. Be sure and let us know.
~Alice
aliceatwonderland 