“Rock n Roller Cola Wars,
I can’t take it anymore!”
– Billy Joel
“We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It’s a song by Billy Joel that goes through a history book picking out all the awesome (Television!) and not so awesome (Vietnam!) things that had gone on in his life up until around the 1980s. I believe he ended with “Rock n roller cola wars, I can’t take it anymore.” Well, Billy, you really didn’t guess what was coming up next.
I did a “We Didn’t Start the Fire” type post a few years ago. But I still stopped up way too early. So I figured, why not take the last year or so and see what happens? Hint: Very bad things. And a few, I guess, are good. Please note: I faithfully did a Google search from July 2015 to October of 2016 and it seems most timelines tend to stop before 2015. There is a reason for this. No matter, trust in Alice and Wikipedia and such. I have split this post because it got so long. Like the past year. So, so, so long.
Oregon makes marijuana legal. Just in time.
Scott Walker, jerk Wisconsin governor with a personal vendetta against those fat cat teachers, announces his run for President. wee.
The U.S. and Iran talk nukes. Or something. Whatever.
President Obama questions the use of solitary confinement in U.S. prisons. For prisoners anyway. Politicians on the other hand . . .
A gunman opens fire. At two military institutions, a crowded theater, and more. I’m sure we will nip this thing in the bud soon.
John Kasich becomes the 16th person to seek nomination of the Republican party. Yup. SIXTEENTH.
Street corner sized sinkhole forms in Brooklyn, New York. I see foreshadowing for this year.
First debate before the 2016 Republican Primaries is held. Conservative white dudes as far as the eye can see. Also Ben and Carly. Also Donald Trump (more like circus peanut than dude), but who would take HIM seriously?
Jon Stewart, in an effort to preserve sanity (he had no idea), retires from the Daily Show
Subway starts to really regret hiring that Jared guy.
More people shot. To change things up, someone goes after people in a movie theater this month with an ax. Netflix looking much better.
McDonald’s and Tyson foods horrified that a Tennessee based farm “stomps on chickens”. No stomping before deep frying – it’s a rule.
Just keep in mind that people are shot every month.
Clerk Kim Davis refuses to sign marriage licenses for same-sex couples. It’s sort of her job to sign her name on stuff, so she gets in trouble. Republicans make her a hero.
Stephen Colbert succeeds David Letterman as Late Night host. Humor is all that will get us through.
Police in Irving, Texas agree to drop charges on that kid who carried an alarm clock to school. Guns = good. Alarm clocks = bad.
Rick Perry, hated even by Republicans in TEXAS, drops out of the race. So does Scott Walker. Awwws.
Pope Francis visits the U.S. and does a lot of important things but no one remembers anything except for Kim Davis crashing his party.
Unemployment rate drops to 5 percent, the same as when the recession hit in 2007. But Obama is still a Muslim commie.
Jim Webb drops out of the Democratic race. Who was he again?
Hillary Clinton answers 8 hours worth of questions on that Benzhai thing. Next up, Republicans plan to force her to watch 8 hours of Fox News – she’ll really give up her secrets then.
That other guy no one knew drops out of the Democratic presidential race. No one notices.
World Health Organization finds that sausage and ham and everything you love causes Cancer.
Newspapers report that like, oil companies knew fossil fuels were bad for the environment.
At the Republican debate, 7 candidates try to team up on Trump, hurling mud, insults, and threatening to tell Mom. Well that last one was just Jeb.
At the Democratic debate, Hillary and Sanders argue about health care and other blah stuff, while O’Malley waves his hand wildly, hoping to speak.
More gunmen, but one baseball team beats another one, so hooray!
More people drop like flies from the presidential race. Everyone’s waiting for Trump to shout “Just kidding!” and leave.
Terrorist attack in San Bernardino. Donald Trump has the answer – ban all Muslims, just to make sure. Yet he’s still in the race.
Two other guys drop out though.
Bill Cosby gets an arrest warrant. No more pudding for him.
“This is not the type of campaign we run” – said by Bernie Sanders in a Democratic debate. Sorry, Bern, seems this IS the kind of campaign we run. Extra crispy crazy.
Artists boycott the Oscars because there aren’t enough African Americans nominated. A lot of America boycotts it because it’s so boring.
Zika virus appears. Donald Trump calls for banning all mosquitoes from the United States.
Jeb releases entertaining political ads, such as the one where he calls Trump a jerk. No really.
The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran has dismantled their nukes. United Nations gives them a pat on the back. Many Americans say “Wait, there were nukes?”
North Korea launches a long range rocket into space in a desperate bid for attention.
Poor Democratic nominee Martin O’Malley (can I talk? can I talk NOW?) drops out. Sanders and Hillary too busy hissing and scratching to notice.
Former Prez Jimmy Carter picks Trump over Cruz. Cruz, dude, that’s just not good.
Quitting the Republican race: Jeb! (sadly the only partially sane candidate), Carly Fiorina (standing witchface), and Rand Paul (really a Libertarian unicorn).
Supreme Court Justice Scalia dies, and people mourn for roughly five seconds before pondering who gets his seat.
Stay tuned for Part Two – if you darrre.