Welcome back to the year of . . . Fun, Fun, Fun. And Hell. Let’s see if we can get through this timeline of politics and a few other things. I might have missed a war or two. I’m stopping before November because I’m not sure if we will actually survive it, and why waste a post? Here we go!
North Caroline debates about the big issues – like who goes to what potty.
Ben Carson wakes up slightly and realizes he’s still in the Republican presidential race. He drops out – onto the floor probably.
We also lose Marco Rubio, so I will sadly no longer get to use the “Marco Polo” joke anymore.
“Let me put it plainly, if we Republicans choose Donald Trump as our nominee, the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished” – Quote by Mitt “Mittens” Romney. Mitt Romney is making sense now. Be afraid.
Sanders and Hillary go head to head in debate. People hit the deck in case of blood spurts.
Trump continues to act like an rabid chimp throwing poo. Naturally he starts winning major states.
Cruz names Carly “standing witchface” Fiorina as his VP. She takes a dive off the stage. Great times.
Six days after picking a VP, Cruz drops out of the race. A day later, Kasich (you know, that guy) drops out too.
This leaves only Trump in the race. Other countries are looking at us like “I am so not hanging out with you anymore, U.S.”
Breaking Report: Cute kittens continue to be born, filmed on youtube.
U.N. has Brexit, which is not the meal between breakfast and lunch, but a withdrawal from the European Union. It doesn’t go so well.
Paul “The Weasel” Ryan says he’ll vote for Trump.
Five days later Paul “The Weasel” Ryan calls Trump a racist. Like you just now noticed, Weasel Boy?
Hillary has enough votes to win the primary making her the first woman presidential candidate. Sanders does not see her winning as a reason to leave. Not when he can still annoy her.
Want to see pics of my teens when they were cute babies?
Japan manufactures the last videocassette recorder. Now what do we do with these VHS tapes? Thanks!
The F.B.I. gets really tired of reading through Hillary’s emails, most of which probably involved online receipts for anti-aging cream, photos of her grandchild, and complaints of “how do you work this thing again?”. Lucky for us, the Republicans will continue to talk about her treason for years to come. Please, Hillary, get Chelsea to teach you texting!
Sanders gives in and endorses Hillary. His lunatic fringe supporters go nuts cause how dare he act respectful? Isn’t that “out” this election?
Cruz is booed for not endorsing Trump, ironically the only intelligent decision he’s ever made.
Wikileaks (Doncha just love these guys? Doncha?) leaks what everyone pretty much already knew. The Democratic Chair was a lying liar who lied and manipulated stuff. I’m sure this has never before happened with the chairs of either party.
Sloths seal their place as my spirit animal.
2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. A U.S. Olympian gets drunk, vandalizes stuff, then claims he was robbed, thus keeping up good international relations.
Trump takes on a new campaign manager, which surprises everyone cause who knew he had one?
Clinton aide separates from her husband, the infamous Anthony Weiner. At least Hillary’s cheating husband was not named Weiner.
We still have the Wiener dog races. Check ’em out.
The U.S. and China, responsible for 40 percent of the world’s carbon emissions, ratify global climate agreement. And say “Our bad.”
Hillary called out for calling Trump supporters “deplorables.” They get on her when she lies AND tells the truth!
Hillary and Trump react to the New York City bombing. Trump says “Hillary did it.”
First smack down debate between Hillary and Trump. Trump acts grouchy, sniffs, and says “wrong” a lot. Hillary is giddy with excitement. She’s been preparing for this for DECADES.
Did I mention kittens?
VP candidates have debate. Supposedly Pence did well because he did not try to punch Kaine in his smiling face. Trump’s reaction? Extreme jealousy of his running mate. Right.
Tapes are released of Trump bragging about assaulting women. For some reason, people are actually surprised, and Republicans begin leaving his side in droves to protect themselves.
Wikileaks dumps info on Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Goldman Sachs. Apparently, she was paid, and she said stuff that she’s said before anyway.
Trump and Hillary have their second debate, town hall style. Trump takes this to mean he should impersonate various animals including weasel, bear, shark, and toddler. Neither candidate really answers a question, thus keeping to the status quo.
Third and Final (or people will start rushing the stage) debate. Donald starts out almost normal, then goes boom. He decides he doesn’t have to concede the election because who needs democracy?
Trump adds to his statement saying he won’t accept the results “Unless he wins.” Pence backs this up, saying they don’t have to if they don’t wanna.
I decide to pick my own reality too and build a blanket fort in my living room. I invite anyone else in who needs to escape the planet a while. I am playing Disney films and eating Oreos.
Just 17 days to go till D day! But, really, what could happen in a a 2 and a half weeks?
Don’t answer that.
yes… better we don’t answer that… Seems we all only want to create our own world, because the real world only sucks… I bought two seasons of dci barnaby and 3 big buckets of häagen dazs…
OMG, I will totally join you for the ice cream. Gallons and gallons of it.
I hate this all so much. Not your post. The other stuff.
Me too. End end end end . . .
Trump’s extreme jealousy of his running mate? I think the scientific term for that is Pence Envy.
Hahaha! Loved how he was all “Trump will totally concede” and then suddenly “He does not have to if he doesn’t want to.” Um, yes, yes he does. D’oh.
Yeah, I actually feel bad for Pence – first he has to defend one thing Trump said, then Trump makes a U-turn on that issue and drags Pence with him.
His career is going way, way down. I can only imagine his face when Trump said that on stage after he said Trump would be normal. Not a safe bet there, Pence.
I can’t imagine his face, because I’m sure there was his palm planted all over it.
We can be sloths together in your blanket fort. I promise not to pass gas.
I’m not sure I can make that promise. I’ll leave you in suspense. 😀