No, really, I mean – what? I have been sick a few days with what we Americans, or maybe just Southerners?, call the CRUD. I have a doctor who said that all upper respiratory infections, tonsillitis, bronchitis, laryngitis, oompalitis, etc are basically the same. So I have one of those. I don’t know. But I have been miserable. You know how miserable? Think of those ASPCA puppies and kittens they show you all the time. The ones that look like Hitler just electrocuted their mother right in front of them. They’re shivering, they’re hungry, they’re wondering why people are just filming them and not doing anything. Which I know I AM wondering. Like sheesh, get the puppy a blanket, and some dog chow you fiends. Sheesh.
It occurs to me the puppies might be actors. If so, well done, puppies.
Anyway, I have been just as miserable as those animals, only not nearly as cute. I was chatting with my friend Merbear on my phone and since I now have a Smart Phone . . . yeah. They got me. But not with the latest, greatest literally exploding phones. No, I have an old Samsung, but it still works. Like it lets me take videos of myself lying down and coughing into the phone so I can show my friend just how bad off I am. And she was like, “Have you tried steam?”
And I’m like . . . steam? I mean I have been having respiratory ailments since my teens and I am like now not a teen and I don’t know how many times I’ve used steam both for myself and my Things (kids for any of you newcomers. More on newcomers later) and I hadn’t thought of it yet. So thanks, Mer, I used steam and it helped a little. I still feel like crapsters, though, and I missed more work than I have time allotted for that, which hadn’t happened in a while and was quite annoying. It’s like my illnesses all hang out and try to figure out who gets to like jump me first. No, no, depression it was your turn LAST week, now let’s give stomach a try. No he had it before. What about me, the bladder – you know the one that – er – leaks. Okay, we’ll let you in, because the cough and that leak thing go together. Yay!
Where was I? Oh, right, sick. You know just when you think you have it all under control, one of those guys pops up. Or better, a new one comes in. Remember how in that emo post I wrote last time I mentioned Lice and other Holiday Tales? Well, yeah, lice came to visit. I hate bugs in general, but bugs that are like, ON YOU? Yeah, that’s beyond awful. So we treated Thing Two and then treated her again and then oh whew and then Thing One got it so we treated her and again and then later . . . they were back. Cause Thing One has very thick, curly hair and my husband and I have very little patience for combing with those awful combs that couldn’t go through a doll’s hair. But I had something up my sleeve. Research. That’s what I do, unless, you know, it’s for a post. So I found this comb, and wow it is like the Allah of Combs judging from what must be real reviews because these reviews were super intense. These people have war stories. So I ordered it.
Guess what Amazon Prime is late on getting to my house? Yup. I WANT MY COMB AMAZON.
So things have not been going that well for me. I was afraid I would never be funny again. This was my greatest fear here, not like dying of CRUD which I kinda thought I might a couple times cause holy crap it’s awful. But yeah, it’s humor, you got to have it. And when I wasn’t able to write, well that was lousy – uh – wrong word. But here I am, writing, and I don’t have a plan to it (did you pick up on that yet?) and it only has one pic in it which I had stored but hey I did it. Cause people have been looking at older posts of mine. So then I check them out. And I laugh because I like my own stuff. But also because it is memories of my life, like with my kids, my work, with me. And the sicks aren’t going to get me. Okay they will, but not like forever there will be days when I’m not sick of some sort! Or have bugs! Possibly! But also if I don’t write then I will not get to expose the really stupid people who have lately been commenting on my old posts. Do you remember booger guy? The one who corrected my grammar on a post about boogers? Well, there’s more of that kind of snot, get ready.
Eventually. Because there are people extremely concerned about my virtual family, a heretical Christmas song post, my knowledge of Sophia the First. Etc. But at any rate, I am trying. So the best thing you could do is not say you are sorry for me because life is life. We all have crap. Heck, our whole country got one big piece of it today, but I didn’t see any of it, or care, cause I was sick. So there are some good things about sick, I guess.
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It has been raining here in Texas for the last three days. A hard, steady rain that just keeps going, making marshland of my yard, making the days dark. This part of Texas is not supposed to have rain like this. We are semi-arid, which means desert plus occasional flash floods and tornadoes. No wonder the people at Seattle Grace Hospital have so many problems. The rain. Rain killed McDreamy.
I mention to my Thing One, “There are more suicides in Seattle than Alaska. Cause snow reflects light and rain doesn’t. Fun fact!”
Thing One: I’m getting you some sugar, Mom.
I’m not suicidal. I’m just here. I have ups and downs. Right now it is down. I wish it would stop raining. I don’t like going out in it. But I need a soda. It’s not crack, okay, I just want it? Sorry, I thought you were my doctor there. I put on my coat and boots and wade to my car while the rain pours down. I get in and sit in the car for a moment while it runs. I finally get out of park.
I try McDonald’s cause you don’t have to get out of the car. They seem mysteriously closed. Is it the storm? Did they all quit at once? Whatever it is inconvenient for me. I drive back to Allsups which is closer to my house but I now must walk in. I am wearing the clothes I wore two days ago. Plus a sweater I washed with pink so now it is white-ish pink. Call me Hello Kitty.
I walk in. I get a soda on sale, the TALLSUP, get it? Cause it’s big. And I choose Sprite not cause I like it that much but because it’s late and maybe without the caffeine I might sleep though I doubt it cause naps. But then I think I would like some water. Cold water. I will spoil myself with cold water. I walk over and look at the water. There are lots of kinds of water that probably come out of the tap. I stare. And stare. And choose one.
I walk to the snacks. I wonder if the lady at the cash register is watching me. I look awesome. It’s been a while since I washed my hair, and I scratch my head since one of the kids came home with lice a couple months ago. Christmas Special coming up. Lice and Other Holiday Tales. I go to the counter. The lady is bald, totally bald, no stubble like that chick who sang “Nothing compares to youuuuu.” I wonder if she has Cancer or is purposely bald. She asks me if I am having a good day. Did she sound concerned?
I say, “Yeah.”