No, really, I mean – what? I have been sick a few days with what we Americans, or maybe just Southerners?, call the CRUD. I have a doctor who said that all upper respiratory infections, tonsillitis, bronchitis, laryngitis, oompalitis, etc are basically the same. So I have one of those. I don’t know. But I have been miserable. You know how miserable? Think of those ASPCA puppies and kittens they show you all the time. The ones that look like Hitler just electrocuted their mother right in front of them. They’re shivering, they’re hungry, they’re wondering why people are just filming them and not doing anything. Which I know I AM wondering. Like sheesh, get the puppy a blanket, and some dog chow you fiends. Sheesh.
Buy me before they kill meeeeeeee!
It occurs to me the puppies might be actors. If so, well done, puppies.
Anyway, I have been just as miserable as those animals, only not nearly as cute. I was chatting with my friend Merbear on my phone and since I now have a Smart Phone . . . yeah. They got me. But not with the latest, greatest literally exploding phones. No, I have an old Samsung, but it still works. Like it lets me take videos of myself lying down and coughing into the phone so I can show my friend just how bad off I am. And she was like, “Have you tried steam?”
And I’m like . . . steam? I mean I have been having respiratory ailments since my teens and I am like now not a teen and I don’t know how many times I’ve used steam both for myself and my Things (kids for any of you newcomers. More on newcomers later) and I hadn’t thought of it yet. So thanks, Mer, I used steam and it helped a little. I still feel like crapsters, though, and I missed more work than I have time allotted for that, which hadn’t happened in a while and was quite annoying. It’s like my illnesses all hang out and try to figure out who gets to like jump me first. No, no, depression it was your turn LAST week, now let’s give stomach a try. No he had it before. What about me, the bladder – you know the one that – er – leaks. Okay, we’ll let you in, because the cough and that leak thing go together. Yay!
Where was I? Oh, right, sick. You know just when you think you have it all under control, one of those guys pops up. Or better, a new one comes in. Remember how in that emo post I wrote last time I mentioned Lice and other Holiday Tales? Well, yeah, lice came to visit. I hate bugs in general, but bugs that are like, ON YOU? Yeah, that’s beyond awful. So we treated Thing Two and then treated her again and then oh whew and then Thing One got it so we treated her and again and then later . . . they were back. Cause Thing One has very thick, curly hair and my husband and I have very little patience for combing with those awful combs that couldn’t go through a doll’s hair. But I had something up my sleeve. Research. That’s what I do, unless, you know, it’s for a post. So I found this comb, and wow it is like the Allah of Combs judging from what must be real reviews because these reviews were super intense. These people have war stories. So I ordered it.
Guess what Amazon Prime is late on getting to my house? Yup. I WANT MY COMB AMAZON.
So things have not been going that well for me. I was afraid I would never be funny again. This was my greatest fear here, not like dying of CRUD which I kinda thought I might a couple times cause holy crap it’s awful. But yeah, it’s humor, you got to have it. And when I wasn’t able to write, well that was lousy – uh – wrong word. But here I am, writing, and I don’t have a plan to it (did you pick up on that yet?) and it only has one pic in it which I had stored but hey I did it. Cause people have been looking at older posts of mine. So then I check them out. And I laugh because I like my own stuff. But also because it is memories of my life, like with my kids, my work, with me. And the sicks aren’t going to get me. Okay they will, but not like forever there will be days when I’m not sick of some sort! Or have bugs! Possibly! But also if I don’t write then I will not get to expose the really stupid people who have lately been commenting on my old posts. Do you remember booger guy? The one who corrected my grammar on a post about boogers? Well, there’s more of that kind of snot, get ready.
Eventually. Because there are people extremely concerned about my virtual family, a heretical Christmas song post, my knowledge of Sophia the First. Etc. But at any rate, I am trying. So the best thing you could do is not say you are sorry for me because life is life. We all have crap. Heck, our whole country got one big piece of it today, but I didn’t see any of it, or care, cause I was sick. So there are some good things about sick, I guess.
Please like and follow and comment because just one like or follow or comment could save this sad puppy from the horrors of this post.
Alice
aliceatwonderland 
I’m glad you wrote. So happy to see you in my reader..feeder…inbox. This post wasn’t a horror. People sent douche comments? They need the Douche Award .
Thanks for always being around Jaded. I totally need to whip out that Douche award.
I’m sorry about the CRUD. I won’t bring you into a day I tried to stay away from as well, except to mention the only thing I think is worth mentioning. Melania Trump brought a flat Tiffany’s box bearing a gift for Michelle Obama. There was much speculation about what it could be, until at least one astute tweeter said inside that fancy box was a note that said, “Take me with you.”
Something to keep your sense of humor from atrophying. 😉
Hahaha. Yeah all I heard on fb was that she dressed like Jackie O. And I was like, I’m done. If you keep imitating other first ladies, maybe you’ll find one that fits, Mel.
My poor kids had to sit through it and school. I feel so sorry for them. Thing One, though, told me that he was surprisingly not that bad. That he talked about America a lot but didn’t say “it’s grrrrreat” once. “He is getting vocabulary Mom!” Like he’s a first grader, lol. I said someone else wrote his speech, but at least this time he apparently read it. Also it wasn’t Michelle who wrote it. We think.
Dressing like Jackie O? The First Lady whose husband was killed before the end of his term? Hmmm…
Or maybe there’s no subconscious statement, and maybe Melania is just making an earnest effort to do her best by copying her predecessors – copying Jackie O’s dresses, Michelle’s speeches…
I just realized I wrote a very similar comment on your post as the one you just replied to – but then I guess we should get used to a lot of repetition with the new – uh – what’s the word for president in Russian?
Michelle’s expressions through the whole thing were hilarious. No more needing to pretend for her, that thing stank. I loved when Melania gave her that gift box and she’s like what do I do with this, and then there’s this mini football play where she manages to hand it off to Obama who tosses it to an aid. Totally natural.
I recommend a marathon of either The Big Bang Theory or Once Upon a Time.
I still haven’t watched OOAT. I watched it a little at first but it was so dull. I mean Snow White was like this frump. But supposedly it gets a lot better or at least infinitely more complicated and somehow Belle married Rumplestiltskin and this is more whacked out than one of my blog posts.
It does get better as things develop, and i also recommend it. It will get a little tiring a few seasons in, though.
I would not have pegged you for a OOAT watcher. Then again, we will need lots of distraction for the next four years.
And I helped. 😀
You DID! 😀
I like your posts Alice, a lot!
Thanks! I like compliments a lot!
Ok your site is amazing and insightful, and I feel more like I’m alice in wonderland, than u are:-) & thank you….
I’m jinxing myself by saying this, but somehow I’ve avoided the crud. I woke up sounding like a man one morning – lasted 3 days – but that was it.
Tomorrow I’ll wake up with the plague.
Quite possibly. I watched an episode of “Monsters inside Us” and not to scare you, but you can still get the Bubonic plague. Also worms in your head. I should probably not watch that show.
Those fuckers have utterly ruined Sarah McLaughlin’s music for me, which I guess I should thank them for, but still.
LOL! Yes! That song – just that . . . song along with the tortured puppy look. Just why? Whyyy?
Bless your heart (but not in the snotty Southern way), I hope you’re feeling better by now. ❤
Haha, good to know it’s not in the Southern way. I’ve been using that little saying a lot lately. I am feeling better for the moment. Our weather is insane, though. 80s one day and 30s the next is not normal.
Yeah, I’m not sorry for you 😉 This “oldcomer” haven’t been here in a long while. I keep missing your posts somewhat.
I understand about the phone. I don’t even have a smartphone. I tend to stick to low-tech phones that aren’t even touchscreen ones. It’s just both a preference and a deterrent to thieves waiting to snatch phones (we have those here).
Hope the CRUD’s gone by now.
Thanks, it is – for now. My phone is supposedly smart, but can’t pick up on wifi at the university where I work. My dumb phone was better. It is also confused about that internet that’s supposed to work when you are away from wifi. You have to have the very latest phones to get any kind of help with this, but Samsung’s latest phone blows your ear off, so I’m hesitating a bit.
He he, “dumb phone”. I actually call mine that, too! With regards to Samsung, maybe it’s just a matter of lowering the volume, unless the lowesr is still too loud for your liking.
And because I’m kind of OC, I will edit this: “HASN’T been here in a long while”
I automatically correct my grammar mid-sentence when not online. My English teacher mother is forever in my brain.
He he….My mother, who was a teacher, taught me English at home, too, so I always thought she also taught English. I found out later that she only taught math (algebra, geometry, trigonometry) in high school. I knew she did that, but I also just assumed English.
I really hope that a fortnight or so later, the crud has really truly buggered off and left you alone now.
Pity we can’t say the same about President Parpypants (as one of my friends has nick-named him, due – as I’m sure you know – to here in the UK “trump” being another word for “fart”).
I told the girls about Trump meaning fart. You have made three people so very happy. “Stop Trumping!” “I made a Trump.”