Monthly Archives: February, 2017

Virtual Killers Anonymous Help Desk

I promised earlier to tell you about some of the fun new comments I got on very old posts.  People continue to comment on my post from 2013 about killing virtual people.  This might be because it comes up anytime someone looks for the search terms “How do I kill my virtual people?”.  It pops up on the first page, last I checked.  Thanks, Google, though really, has no one else thought of writing about this?  Just me, huh?  Ah, well, I am certainly not the first one to think of doing it, judging by the response I have had.  I’ll give you a link to it on the off chance you weren’t here in 2013.

There were actually comments on a couple of other posts too, but as I was looking over “Hi, my name is Alice and I kill tiny virtual people“, I realized there were several comments I hadn’t answered both against and – sometimes scarily – in support of my treatment of pretend people.  So I gathered them all up here in my heart and then smacked them onto this here post.

First are the ones who are very upset with me over the post.  I may have reported these guys before, but I figure it I can’t remember it, neither can you.

I hope this person liked my response.

I hope this person liked my response.

What I love most about this irate comment, besides the fact that it came two years later, is how upset this person is that I gave incorrect information on my blog.  I’m really not an educational blog, unless you ask my spambots, who highly recommend me to other spambots.  And I’m sorry, Lisa who happens to have no blog like most of these comments, if they didn’t want me to use the red punishment glove, they really shouldn’t have given it to me, should they?  Case closed.

I like being mean.

I like being mean.

Come on, Alaska, there’s no need to get touchy just because you aren’t actually a real state.  I play the game because it lets me slap people over and over, which is usually frowned upon outside of the game.  And there are just some people who need it.  Also, you should consider forgiveness, because my little pretend man forgave me as soon as I bought him some bread.  And I’d locked him in the nuclear room for a week.

I'd better get to confession. The priest will find this one interesting.

I’d better get to confession. The priest will find this one interesting.

Then there are the ones who support me . . . maybe just a little too much.

Um. Sure?

Um. Sure?

Happy to be helpful and all.  Just one of my many acts of public service there.

alice2

???

I’m not sure how this person was burning the virtual woman. I didn’t realize this was an option in this game.  The Sims, sure, but this one?   Also this is not the place to find out if something is normal, Dee.  Sorry.

Okay?

Okay?

You don’t have to answer comments if your readers do it for you.  But this one goes on for a while even after this screen shot.  I sort of . . . left it alone.

Finally, my favorite.

What?

What?

First off, I love how this literally turned into a Crazy Computer Gamers Anonymous group.  Second, what is the person responding meaning?  If they go peacefully?  Can you arrest the virtual people now, cause I didn’t realize you could.  That adds a new layer of fun.  Or maybe K.A.R meant that the people kept dying – peacefully? – on their own before she / he could kill them?  I just don’t know, but it continues to perplex me.

That’s all I have for now.  Come back later and I’ll show you how I insulted Jesus and screwed up the plot of Sophia the First.  Also Trump voodoo dolls.

Alice

Advertisements

You Can Learn a Lot from Trump

First off, a quick thank ye to all those who are still following and maybe even reading me, and those who just started following, liking, commenting, etc.  I even thank you weirdos who left me the bizarrely critical comments cause gosh you’re fun.  I haven’t been writing as much, but I’m hoping to pick up on this because the counselor says it’s good to get out my Alice Rage in other ways than, say, strangling a coworker because MY GAWD he is STILL slamming the stapler from what seems like a distance of 10 feet so that it goes KABAMMMM and I jump out of my seat.  #bekindtostaplers

How am I supposed to concentrate on facebook when he's making noise?

How am I supposed to concentrate on work when he’s making noise?

I just had a relaxy moment. Back now!  Yes, now that I’m relaxed I should discuss what’s happened so far in my world.  I got knocked down, but I got up again, you ain’t never gonna keep me down so give me some booze and I will piss the night away.  Or something.  And in world news, our new president continues to do in just a few weeks what it took a couple of years for George W. Bush to do – make every country hate us.  He’s been all crank calling foreign leaders askin them what his job is, puttin’ em on notice, threatening war – what a hoot.  He even picked on Australia.  You know – all those Australian terrorists with their suicide bomber kangaroos.  No one ever sees that coming.

I kind of wish President Cheeto would quit doing that.  You know – talking. And tweeting.  And – making that face, just stop, stop now. But there is one thing I have to give Trump – he’s making people learn more about government right along with him. For instance, presidential cabinet positions keep getting filled, and for the first time people are caring because we’re wondering if he will literally put a Schnauzer (as long as it’s rich and white)  in one of the seats.  We just got a Secretary of Education who knows nothing about children, public schools or, uh, education since she failed her exam massively during try-outs.

Not sure who made this but thanks, Internet!

Not sure who made this but thanks, Internet!  Clearly the top person for the job!

I first learned about this via my regular news: comedy shows, but I wanted to learn more so I actually watched the real clips.  Bernie Sanders, Al Franken, Tim Kaine (remember him?  Hillary’s VP pick?  He’s actually pretty good), and Elizabeth Warren just bullied poor Betsy with crazy questions like are you for equal education for all, or did your family donate a few hundred million dollars to the Republican party, or what’s a school?   “I’ll study that!” she says, which is probably the first time she’s promised to study anything at all.  Al Franken said “I’m surprised – no actually I’m not,” which was absolutely hilarious totally out of line!  I might have watched the clips of them torturing her several times on youtube.  Education can be fun!

We also learned that banning a huge group of people from coming to our country (no matter how legal they are) based only on religion and nationality is ding ding ding against the constitution!  And federal judges – we have those! – have blocked it, for now.  We learned more about executive orders, like how a big wad of bacteria can sneak himself onto the nations’ security council by just slipping that in along with something else stupid, like building a wall to keep people of another nationality out because they are all bad hombres who sell drugs and rape and murder people.

Also we got educated that there is no such thing as terrorism by white people. I am so relieved.

Soon I’m sure we’ll learn more about foreign relations by going to war with them, as we have with past presidents, only this time it won’t take as long.  This learning is hurting my brain, and I’m exhausted already, and we aren’t through the first month yet.  And it’s not just us.  Other countries are also getting tired of all this education.  So I have a solution.  We move, but not to Canada (I’m sure you guys are next on the terrorist watch list, hide yo wives, hide yo kids).  No, we’re going to Nanalan, a place Thing Two introduced me to, and which we have had endless fun with, in spite of this show supposedly just being for children.  It acts as a kind of natural tranquilizer, like Bob Ross, only with puppets.  Take a look!

But wait, there’s more.  Like there’s an adventure with “a Lolly”!   I’ll show you in other posts.  Yes, we have no idea what Yoda’s love child here is saying, though props to the person for attempting to translate, but words no longer make sense in the real world either, so why here?  I’ll be with puppets eating peepos if you need me.

P.S. I have been very bad about going through my reader – it takes too much from my tiny hamster brain.  So if you will leave me links to you recent posts right here, I’ll read them and try to catch up.  Peepo.

Alice

 

A Tale of Skippy

You know, I said to myself, I said, “I am not going to deal with this whole political thing anymore.  Nope.  I can’t.  I have my own problems like depression, anxiety, disease of the week, parasites, laundry, etc.  So I am just going to Let it Go.  Yeah, staying out of it.  I mean, sure, he’s an idiot, but you know – how much could he really do?”

Whyyyyyy

I’m a snarky, sarcastic cynic who likes to brag about her dark soul, and yet somewhere, deep inside, there is this stupid thing called . . . optimism?  There is.  It’s there.  My counselor told me about it.  She said, “Alice, you are a cynic, but you still hope!”  And she’s right.  I do!  Even though I absolutely know that people are awful, I, for some reason I’m still not sure of, continue to think people are basically decent humans.  I just . . . assume this in spite of increasing evidence to the contrary.  I’ll give you an example.

For roughly the length of the 2016 political race, I was working on an exhibit about the presidents of the university for which I work.  Yes, more presidents.  Most of them were okay.  But we did have a Trump.  His name was even the same as an insect.  No one could get rid of him, though, because he had Congress and the Senate, er, the board of regents on his side.  Even though just about every faculty member hated him, and voted to have him removed, he stayed.  For SIX YEARS that luckily I was not at that university, he stayed.  Yes, it’s true.  I got to write about him, too, but because one member of that board of regents is still active politically around here and because it’s considered uncouth and embarrassing to admit that this guy effectively shut down academic freedom at our university, and heck,  freedom of speech, I had to spin doctor this biography.  I mentioned that he caused “controversy”, which made my boss cough out a snicker, but that hey, there were some things he did that didn’t destroy the fabric of education.  Yeah.  I felt kind of slimy after that.

But anyway, while working on this exhibit, I had the aid of a student worker.  I’ll call him “Skippy” cause that’s what I actually did call him when he wasn’t there, and that was before I realized just what a little twerp he was.  He just looked like a Skippy.  Right, so we’d had plenty of student workers before, and I’d never had a problem with any that worked in library archives with me.  In fact, I actually told one, jokingly but not, to please lower his standards cause he was making me look bad.  This kid actually chose to go back to China instead of stay with us.  So we got Skippy, and Skippy was different.  He addressed my boss and me by “Mrs.” and last name.  We told him just call us by first names.  So I got to be “Miss Alice”.  I felt like either a Sunday school teacher or a plantation owner.

Skippy was like a younger version of one of these guys. Only not as likable, and no dog to guide him.

Skippy was like a younger version of one of these guys. Only not as competent, and no dog to guide him.

That was just the beginning.  He also didn’t know how to do anything himself and would constantly ask what to do next.  Who does that?  If I have nothing to do, I’m going to find something, and it’s going to be something that looks workish.  But not this kid.  So we gave him plenty to do.  And it was so easy. I found pictures in old yearbooks, and sticky noted them, and handed them to him.  Scan this.  Easy.  Did he scan them?  No.  Or he did, and somehow he did a horrible job of it.  He did like to read the old newspapers, which rarely had much in them of use, but he tired me out so much it was like, yeah, you do that.  But we did warn him, and my boss and I were very, very explicit in this – write on the back where you found the picture or article, the date, and what it is about.  So he – did not.  So we told him again, to please look these things back up and write them down.  He did.  He wrote useful things like “Dr. Polk giving a speech.”  Well, thanks, Skippy, I knew that was Dr. Polk, and I know he’s giving a speech cause he’s standing at a podium.  But what is the speech about?  When was the speech?  Where was the speech?  Where is your source?  Skippy didn’t know.

We told him to do it again.  Meanwhile, I am working on biographies of the presidents that weren’t insects.

Skippy finally, finally labels the pictures and information he has collected.  Hallelujah.  Skippy then leaves, as it was a summer internship.  We were so happy to see him go.  I start putting his pictures in with the ones I collected.  And everything is going well.  And then I, for some reason, needed to check something in the yearbook.  And I discovered that – and for some reason, this surprised me – Skippy made a bunch of crap up.  His labels were WRONG.  He guessed, and guessed badly, where these people were, when these things took place, etc etc etc.  Wow.  So, basically, I had to go backwards and dig up where all this research, some of which, remember, I handed right to him, came from.  He actually made my job harder.

I don’t like Skippy much.  If he shows up and says “Hi, Miss Alice,” I’m really not responsible for hurling a 1925 yearbook at his stupid little head.

But back to what I wrote out way up there, about our country’s insect, Donald Trump.  I was going to stay out of politics, since I had my own troubles.   Yet – I look up  – and wow, that bad.  Less than two weeks and – that bad.  He is like Skippy, who at least has the excuse of being 20 years old.  Trump, or Cheeto as I like to call him, screws up, he screws up massively, and then he lies about it.  And we – are surprised.  Because for some reason, that little bit of optimism just won’t die already.

He can’t even do awful stuff right either.  Even if you think that the statue of Liberty with her give us your cold, weary, yearning to breathe free crap should be melted down for scrap for the pipeline those Native Americans totally need, you don’t just issue an executive order effective immediately.  At least have some organization to your bigotry.  Instead, he messes stuff up on a global scale.  People are stranded at airports.  American citizens are detained, including a five-year-old who is handcuffed.  And his people defend him.  And I – am amazed.  Twenty executive orders in ten days.  This from the party who complained that Obama had too many, even though Bush had already surpassed him.

I actually want George W. Bush back.  We’ve gone that far.  Already.

This guy.

This guy.

So people are protesting.  But don’t worry, cause Republicans across the country are working at getting that whole pesky protesting stuff shut down too by writing new laws into the books!  Cause freedom of religion, freedom of speech, freedom of decency, yeah, none of those are needed.  Yet people voted for this guy.  They voted for him.  Or they just stayed home and did nothing, effectively still voting for him.  Just – just thank God we don’t have to worry about Hillary’s emails.  Skippy supporters, you did the right thing!

I’m lying.  No you didn’t.  My sixteen-year-old shouted at the television “You are the president!  Presidents don’t call people “dude”!  Is he ten?”  I think that’s too mature.  Let’s not forget he also mentioned “bad dudes” in a tweet.  A presidential tweet.  This is really happening.

I guess all this idiocy did one thing.  It brought me out of cave of self indulgent misery, into the world of misery.  Yay.  But good news, because I found some great Cheeto merchandise we can all use.  Like a voodoo doll.  I might even create a contest for people to WIN one.  If I can think of one.  Thing Two suggested political Haiku.  Thing One said “No, those will be awful.”  Which is sort of the point, but maybe we’ll think of something.

Got any ideas?  Let me know in the comment section.  It’s down there.  If you skipped reading this post, just make up a response.  I will probably believe it.  Darn that optimism.

Alice