Angsty Christmas songs for the young scamp
I have a guest blogger today, my daughter, the one and only Thing Two. She has her own blog now, but it’s private so I’m showing you a bit today. How about some angsty Xmas songs from one who knows best, a teen?
Hoo boy, Christmas. Wow, what a wonderful holiday. I can’t wait for my seasonal depression to consume me this holiday. What joy this holiday brings, I wait every year despite the knowledge that my emotions are going to plant sharp, welcoming needles for every step I take. Wait, that’s everyday… Christmas is basically every day. Christmas is literally just a pointless, commercial black hole that everyone falls into. At least Hanukkah has a meaning, December 25th isn’t even Jesus’s birthday. Dec 25 was probably the day Jesus was betrayed by freaking Judas. Anyway, I’m an angsty millennial person, and there are songs for that (that was an intro? That was like choking on sprinkles.)
7. All I want for Christmas is you- My Chemical Romance
Now, you’re looking at the title and saying to yourself “That song is not angsty, it’s a Christmas classic!” Well, that’s because of it being a cover, but how can a cover be angsty? Just listen to Gerard Way’s vocals. It only takes him about twenty seconds till he starts to scream angerly into his mic. After you hear this… it’s unhearable. You’ll start to believe the way Gerard sings the song is the original way, which in my opinion is far superior to how it is originally sung. The original keeps the same tempo and style the whole way through, while this one spices it up. It’s good to have an overused song get a more grungy feel, it gives hot topic something to play on the holidays.
6. Don’t Shoot me Santa- The killers
You better have a good reason for Santa to put down that ak-47. Now this cheerful tune is a classic for all years round, just be careful cause saint nick has a bullet in his gun.
“Oh, SantaI’ve been killing just for fun
Well, the party is over kid
Because I, because I got a bullet in my gun
(A bullet in your what?)Don’t shoot me Santa Clause
I’ve been a clean living boy
I promise you, did every little thing you ask me to
I can’t believe the things I’m going through”
” I saw them dancing under mistletoe
Thought it was nothing but I guess I didn’t know
(I guess I didn’t know)
That there was something going on with them
Santa, you player, I thought we were friends”
“One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself aliveDon’t come home for Christmas
You’re the last thing I want to see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less”
“And I hope you’re happy with yourself
‘Cause I’m not laughing
Don’t ya think, it’s kind of crappy
What you did this holiday?
When I gave you my heart
You ripped it apart
Like the wrapping paper trash
So I wrote you a song
Hope that you sing along
And it goes Merry Christmas
Kiss my a**”
“Schools out, Christmas break
Home for the holiday’s meatloaf and fruitcake
Off to grandmas, it’s so boring
Screaming kids and grandpa’s snoring
My aunt Margaret’s lost her mind
She’s trippin’ on a train set, have another box of wine
It’s gonna be a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas
I must be on Santa clauses sh**list
The tree, the gifts, the mistletoe kiss
Shoot me now I’m sick of all my relatives
Have a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas”
“Oh my God, it’s here, this awful time of year
How I hate the snow is falling
Wealthy neighbors bragging about the gifts they’re getting
Hey Jack! They say, let me take a guess now! You’re getting K-Mart clothes again!
And then, I had a revelation!
This is my chance to sew their lips clean shut with fear
Because…
This Christmas, I’ll burn it to the ground!
This Christmas, Santa’s skipping town!
This Christmas, everything will change, when they see the flames
This Christmas day!”
Ohhhh . . . Christmas Tree?
Don’t you just love Christmas trees? I do. Especially those trees decorated by people with Martha Stewart obsessions. Some of them look better than the department store trees, many of which are decorated with near soccer size giant shiny balls (now be mature).
Even I could decorate fast with balls this big.
The decorations on this tree match, and were probably put up earlier than three days before the actual holiday. But that’s not how we roll here. The Things and I have each gotten one ornament every year, a tradition started when Thing Two was eighteen months old, and on the naughty list. She loves how I tell this story every single year as I put up the ornament her Grammy and I bought for her.
Never gets old!
You’ll also notice other people tend to fluff up the tree and straighten out the branches. Not us! Since Thing Two (who is awesome!) was the one to actually drag the tree in and put it up, I can’t complain. Still, this is definitely not one to go before the window, with its lovely branches and twinkling lights informing criminals that yes, we have lots of material goods! No, ours is the slightly tilting tree, held up first by a trashcan (never say Thing Two is not inventive) then by a tree stand meant for a living tree. My husband did some handy work, and lo, we had a tree that stood up without a trash can.
Thanks, honey!
Next came the decorating. This is serious business, so here are some tips. Tip 1: Make sure you have ornament hangers ready. Don’t let them get tangled up, though!
They came out of the box like this.
Tip 2: For a truly pleasing display, make sure you put the tinsel on first, draping it nicely on the tree. Next place the ornaments on the tree with careful precision. You don’t want your tree to look like someone just tossed the ornaments up there willy-nilly!
Thing One hung many of the ornaments while I stayed on untangle hanger duty.
Tip 3: Don’t forget to have use proper ornament placement, so that each ornament is just the right distance apart, thus making a pleasing design for the eye and insuring that every ornament is seen.
Perfect.
Tip 4: Last but not least, don’t forget the Christmas star or angel at the top of the tree! This decoration shows the true spirit of this season of love and harmony.
He’ll do.
Our ornament collection is extensive. Many collected over the years, some given to us by slightly off friends and relatives, and some that we’re not sure about.
Like scary hobo Santa here.
There’s also that special ornament that makes you smile each year. In the slightly-off relative category comes this mermaid, given to me by my cousin. The rest of the family have no idea how she was made, or bought, but several of us got one, in various hues. We call her the pregnant mermaid.
Mystery solved! Mermaids are mammals.
All attempts are made to keep ornaments in pristine condition. Some, though, still manage to break. For instance, we have a famous ballerina girl whose arm has broken over and over. Her arm is now bandaged carefully by scotch tape, and she’s quite happy with that. We don’t know what happened, but we suspect Elton John might be responsible.
Ballerina girrrrrrrrrrl – wait her hand is missing too.
The tree is important, but don’t forget to hang the stockings or you don’t get any loot. We have special stocking hangers. Two have decorations, but for the other two, we have to improvise. Thing Two knew just what she wanted on her stocking hanger.
When I think Christmas, Sith Lord always comes to mind. Note his apprentice behind him, Penguin Skywalker.
There are occasional accidents on the decorating job. I attempted to use a cute little porcelain doll with ice skates on one of the hangers. It turns out ice skates aren’t the best at keeping a highly breakable doll steady.
This is why we can’t have nice things.
It was unfortunate to lose the doll, but we are a family of scientists, so Thing Two couldn’t resist further investigating the inner workings of this doll. After removing her stuffing and discovering her exoskeleton, she decided to make her own little doll of horrors. I had nothing to do with helping her, of course, because I am a mature adult.
Exhibit One
We invited Thing One to the lab, but she ran away shouting “Nooo! I still haven’t recovered from Toy Story!” This did not deter our scientist, who worked with the wire skeleton some more.
Nightmare on 34th Street.
I might have gotten off track there. The fallen decoration was put to rest, and we stood back to admire our tree. It might not put the “k” in “kuality” but it’s good enough for us. I know the true meaning of Christmas anyway – Things!
Oh Christmas tree, how screwy are your branches!
Merry Holidayz!
~Alice and her Things
WTF Christmas Songs
In the past I’ve done posts about my love of Christmas songs. There was Scary Santa Songs and another about the wacky song “Do you hear what I hear?”. I got an irate reader years later from that one. She felt the need to tell me the song wasn’t meant to be taken LITERALLY on a blog that is not meant to be taken literally. Except when it is. I looked it up, and found out I have two posts with that same title, and one is serious, and one is not. It would be enough to blow that poor reader’s mind.
This topic may seem funny, but trust me, it’s very serious to many people. Even good Christmas songs played repeatedly can get irritating, but when they are also nauseating, saccharin, repetitive, and / or questionable, it just gets worse. I got a few votes for bad Christmas songs from a reader, and searched the Internet for more of them. Not only did I find songs I had disliked for years, I also found a song I had somehow never heard of by John Denver. I still wish I had never heard it, and so will you.
Enjoy, kids!
This is just a portion of them.
1.Wonderful Christmas Time
This song was submitted by reader crimsonowl63. I say this so my good buddy Merbear will not get mad at me for including Paul McCartney. (THE BEATLES ARE FAB!) I usually like Paul, and I don’t detest this song like some do (it was on a few lists I found). However, it does have a wee bit of repetition that could get annoying pretty quickly. For instance, the lyrics “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” are sung about 20 times (I counted) but it seems like more, and then there’s the part about the ding dongs.
“Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong”
No more ringing! Really, though, the best thing about this song is the video, made in 1979 with lots of LSD side effects. I love it!
2.Baby It’s Cold Outside
This song fits into both the “repetitive” and “questionable” category. Basically, a woman wants to go home, but the guy wants her to stay. Because it’s . . . cold, yeah, that’s it. But hey, it’s warm in his – house! They go back and forth repeatedly with her saying “I really need to go home.” and him saying “But baby, it’s cold!” and her saying “I have a heater in my car.” and him saying “I took the engine out”, etc. Charming!
Just once I’d love the song to end with police sirens because the woman speed dialed 911 while the guy continued to croon at her.
3.Santa Baby
Speaking of 911, this time we have a woman seductively hitting up Santa for lots of material possessions cause she’s been good all year. She didn’t jump ALL the men she met, after all, so no harm no foul! This sounds a bit too much like the response many men in Hollywood, Congress, probably Mr. Roger’s neighborhood by now, etc., have had to accusations of harassing women. Good to know it’s equal opportunity.
Cause this woman wants a freaking platinum mine, and is probably willing to do whatever it takes to get it, including kidnapping Santa in her man trap or possibly forcing St. Nick into marriage so she can really have access to the good stuff. Hurry down the chimney, big guy!
It’s not Christmas till the cops show up!
4.Little Saint Nick
I know I’ve talked about plenty of Santa songs, but seriously, I can’t believe I forgot this one because man do I hate it. The Things were forced to perform this song twice a piece while waving red and green stop signs because school programs suck. It’s written by the Beach Boys who, as Thing Two pointed out, really only wrote one song ever, and just slightly budged the lyrics here and there.
This one’s not even about Santa, but his sleigh – although the Beach Boys are under the impression it’s either a car or a surfboard, since that’s all they sing about. The irritating, nails on chalkboard chorus really gets me.
It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick
It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick
Repeat this a million times or so. Run, run reindeer before the Beach Boys hitch you up to their woody.
5.Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas
No, seriously, this is a real song. By John Denver! The guy who sang happy, nostalgic songs about West Virginia and some chick named Annie! I had never heard of this song before, but it appeared on a bad Christmas song list somewhere and I had to check it out.
I realized I was filling an entire post just from my hatred of the “Christmas Shoes” song alone (“Mom’s dying! She needs shoes!”), so I figured this would make a good substitute for the bummer Christmas song category. It’s tough to get through the symbolism, but it seems this kid doesn’t want his dad to get drunk this Christmas, unlike last year when he passed out under the tree. Apparently this makes mom cry. He says this a lot. Dad drunk. Mom sad.
Yay I got drunk Dad for Christmas!
Here’s the festive lyrics.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Just last year when I was only seven, now I’m almost eight as you can see.
You came home a quarter past eleven, fell down underneath our Christmas tree.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Mamma smiled and looked outside the window. She told me, “Son, you better get upstairs.”
Then you laughed and hollered “Merry Christmas.” I turned around and saw my mamma’s tears.
Here’s a user-made video with the happy twangy lyrics and inexplicably a flashing Christmas tree and fireplace. Oh, yes, you’ll be happy to know that this song has also been remade! Twice!
Merry Christmas!
~ Alice
Top Board Games for Xmas!
Yay, Christmas! That special time of year when parents go out of their minds trying to find the latest usually electronic toy while screaming into their own electronic toys.* Well, I think it’s time we forgot about this new-fangled stuff and tried some good old-fashioned family values gifts. Like board games! Remember those? Monopoly, Sorry, Clue – all games that inspired fun and delight and usually only one or two fistfights.
*Psst fingerlings spotted at Target! Just kidding.
There are some new games come to the table now, though, and all revolving around a specific bodily function. Every one of these was found in the Toys R Us catalog, and on the same page, by my astute blog assistants and children, Thing One and Thing Two.
- Pull My Finger Hilarious Game
I’m still thinking of a caption for this . . .
Hilarious game, alright! I’m not just saying that, it’s listed as part of the title on the Toys R Us website. What used to be a gross grandpa game for unlucky kids is now a game you can buy for any impressionable children for just $19.99! Because we all know they need to be encouraged to do things like fart.
It’s good that they give clear instructions. Pull finger, butt inflates. I wanted to know how the butt inflates (naturally), so I investigated further.
There is a video on the earlier link with overexcited kids (really, one kid’s eyes cartoonishly pop out of his sockets, but only for a split second, so you’re not sure you just saw that or not). I also included this one, though, because the acting from the adult creators (yes adults) from Jakks Pacific (a respectable toy company!) is just that stellar.
Here’s a quick transcript . . .
Woman 1: (sees man and woman alone in room together with a monkey toy) What are you two doing?
Man: Have you seen this game yet? Ha ha. This is my life, guys.
(Woman 2 proceeds to show her what to do. Spin spinner. Pull finger.)
Woman 1: Like what is this gonna do?
Woman 2: Like, its butt is in your face and filling up with air. Guess!
Woman 1: This is so hilarious. I could not be more deadpan.
(After way too many pulls, and a small fart noise,the butt deflates a disappointing amount. Woman 1 squeals. All ask for checks.)
Clearly the first ad from Toys R Us overstated the amount of inflation and explosion. I’d love to see one where the monkey literally explodes. That would be entertainment.
2. Goliath The Original Doggie Doo Game
Hey, I already got this on my porch yesterday.
A game about dog crap? About time! I love that the website notes that this is no fake Doggie Doo, no, for just $22.99 you get the Goliath Original Doggie Doo game. That goodness, I do hate knockoffs when it comes to my poop.
If you look at the actual toy, it turns out Goliath here is a dachshund, a fairly disturbed one due to his owners maliciously pushing play-dough into his mouth, pumping it through his doggie digestive system, then taking said poop and putting it back in again, all according to the whims of the SPINNER. Someone call PETA.
This is one twisted science experiment, kids. Also what’s the yellow thing do?
After watching the ad on Toys R Us, I realize the game is by the company Goliath, it’s not the dog’s name. This dog is named Experiment 666. Also – these people need to get out more if they get that thrilled watching poop fall out. Just hang around any dog’s butt for a while and you can see this happen in real time. You don’t even need a pump.
3. Don’t Step In It! Game
The flies swarming around the poo are a nice touch.
Blindfolded, poop-dodging fun? Count me in! For another $19.99, you can try to avoid the poop Goliath left during earlier experiments. But what is game play like? There was no ad for this game on the website, so I had to go with the instructions on the page.
The Don’t Step In It! Game Features:
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- Blindfolded, poop-dodging fun
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- Mold the included compound to look like piles of poop
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- Step in the fewest poops to win
- Play with friends or dodge the poop solo
I see so many more options for this game. For one thing, if you have your friends blindfolded, why just use some compound with unknown chemicals? Get the real thing, available in parks everywhere! Or for added excitement, up the ante with tacks or pieces of broken glass. Nothing says “popular game” like one that destines kids for the ER! Unless you have no friends, then dodge the poop solo and commiserate with Goliath and the farting monkey. They will never leave you!
4. Gas Out
Try me! Thanks, I’ll pass. . . the game.
I just know there are more poop games out there – they were all in the catalog together! Yet when I searched for poop games (not recommended) I found stuff like Chutes and Ladders. That is a crap game, true, but not quite what I was wanting.
So I had to settle for this gem. Gas Out is not a monkey farting, but an actual gas cloud. So in analogy, instead of playing with a dog that poops, we’re playing with the anthropomorphic poop. Yuck, I mean who would do that . . .
Nevermind.
Back to the gas! The first picture they show you when clicking on the game on the website (again not recommended), is this one. Right away I’m seeing a very concerned looking fart and Math flash cards. No good could come of this.
Multiplying? What kind of horror game is this?
If you click on the ad in the link, you’ll see kids dancing to ballet music while squeezing their farts. They really should have played “The Star Spangled Banner” for perfect background music. But exactly what is this green thing? What is its name? What’s its background story? Toys R Us lets us know.
Kids won’t be able to stop giggling with the Gas Out Game! Guster the Gas Cloud is full of intestinal discomfort and he’s ready to rip!
You know when “intestinal discomfort” is mentioned, the game has got to be good. I’m also impressed that the gas cloud, out of all the others, has an actual name. Guster. I will know now when I go to the doctor for – my friend’s issues, exactly what to call it. Maybe it will be on the 2018 list of most popular names!
Oddly enough, the ad did not explain the mechanics of this complicated game. Luckily, I found some.
features
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Be the last player to pass Guster the Gas Cloud without him farting and win!
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Players take turns playing Gas Out Number cards in their hand and pressing Guster as many times as shown.
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If Guster farts during your turn – you’re out!
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Special game-changing Gas Out cards like Skip and Reverse keep the play tooting along.
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Includes electronic Guster the Gas Cloud and one deck of Gas Out cards.
Wait, is the X just a skip card, or is that a hidden feature? I’m still scared of multiplication, especially with farts. No word on whether the game developer added smell. Just feed the children beans and they can supply it themselves.
Well, that was a real pantload of joy right there. I had planned on showing off one other item – a fat unicorn who poops out supposed ice cream the kids EAT. No, I’m not kidding. It’s not really a game, unless you count gambling over whether your kid gets Guster discomfort from the ice cream. Personally, I’m not eating anything that comes from a game about poo or gas; I don’t care if it is from a bloody unicorn’s butt. And I was definitely not tempted to buy it (supplies are limited!) For more on this sparkly creature, see ES’s blog for that and even more frightening toys for the Christmas season.
Be sure to tell me what you think of these toys, or any suggestions for more fabulous Christmas songs, toys, traditions, or whatever else you’d like me to cover. Hopefully I’ll get to it before that sneaky squirrel steals it.
~Alice
Stupid Christmas Traditions: Ugly Sweaters
Hi, all, it’s holiday time again and I sort of missed Thanksgiving back there, just like American retailers and British people. I did find out from a loyal UK viewer that they have started having Black Friday sales, even though there is no Thanksgiving, so it’s good to know we are still having a positive influence on the world. In years past, I have done posts on Thanksgiving or Black Friday, (Happy Link Drops!) or a combination of the two, which is actually more accurate to the relationships of Pilgrims and Native Americans at that time.
Pilgrims and Indians share Black Friday deals.
But Thanksgiving is dead and gone, just like the turkey you shamelessly murdered, so time to move on to Christmas. That’s right, it’s Christmas, not Chaka Khan or one of those fake holidays. Christmas with baby Jesus and Santa Claus and maniacal parents looking for stupid toys at inflated prices, and in-laws and dead trees and Starbucks cups, Hallelujah. In the past, I have provided my readers with helpful lists of Top Ten Christmas gifts, real meanings of scary Christmas songs, details of Olaf the snowman on a killing spree, etc., and I will get to those, but first let’s talk about a Christmas tradition.
Tradition 1: Ugly Christmas Sweaters
Once upon a time, people got ugly knitted sweaters (or jumpers if you’re a UK foreigner) from Grandma, and they had to wear them or else Grandma’s feelings would be hurt. I like to think this was done on purpose by some Grandmas as an act of revenge for that nursing home, but generally they were supposed to be gifts they for some reason genuinely thought family members would love.
Some believe it was the Beatles who started the ugly sweater tradition.
Now, though, many Grandmas don’t sit around knitting sweaters all day. They’re off in Vegas. But people still haven’t forgotten about movies like “Christmas Vacation” and think they can be super cute by wearing “ugly” sweaters. They even have contests for the most ugly sweater. They had one at my former workplace, and the secretary asked the assistant director if she was in the contest. She said “No.” Awk-ward.
Your biggest question, I’m sure, is where people are getting these sweaters since Grandma flew the coop. Well look no further, retailers have solved this for you! They have purposely created lines of “ugly sweaters”. Just – wait. The whole point of the ugly sweater thing was that this was not done on purpose. You wore it out of good old fashioned Christmas guilt. You didn’t purposely buy it under a tag saying ugly. If you purposely buy something ugly while realizing it’s ugly, you’re just dumb. Also, these ugly sweaters aren’t even always ugly. Some looked fine to me. Who doesn’t like a cute penguin on their shirt? Heathens, that’s who.
Anyone who doesn’t like Penguins is a commie.
Welp, that’s all I have time for today. Please feel free to give any suggestions below for other stupid traditions, songs, or gifts, or whatever else your annoyed about this Christmas and my Things and I will try to cover it.
Merry CHRISTMAS so sayeth the Lord,
Alice
aliceatwonderland 