Stupid Christmas Traditions: Ugly Sweaters

Hi, all, it’s holiday time again and I sort of missed Thanksgiving back there, just like American retailers and British people.  I did find out from a loyal UK viewer that they have started having Black Friday sales, even though there is no Thanksgiving, so it’s good to know we are still having a positive influence on the world.  In years past, I have done posts on Thanksgiving or Black Friday, (Happy Link Drops!) or a combination of the two, which is actually more accurate to the relationships of Pilgrims and Native Americans at that time.

Pilgrims and Indians share Black Friday deals.

But Thanksgiving is dead and gone, just like the turkey you shamelessly murdered, so time to move on to Christmas.  That’s right, it’s Christmas, not Chaka Khan or one of those fake holidays.  Christmas with baby Jesus and Santa Claus and maniacal parents looking for stupid toys at inflated prices, and in-laws and dead trees and Starbucks cups, Hallelujah.  In the past, I have provided my readers with helpful lists of Top Ten Christmas gifts, real meanings of scary Christmas songs, details of Olaf the snowman on a killing spree, etc., and I will get to those, but first let’s talk about a Christmas tradition.

Tradition 1: Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Once upon a time, people got ugly knitted sweaters (or jumpers if you’re a UK foreigner) from Grandma, and they had to wear them or else Grandma’s feelings would be hurt.  I like to think this was done on purpose by some Grandmas as an act of revenge for that nursing home, but generally they were supposed to be gifts they for some reason genuinely thought family members would love.

Some believe it was the Beatles who started the ugly sweater tradition.

Now, though, many Grandmas don’t sit around knitting sweaters all day.  They’re off in Vegas.  But people still haven’t forgotten about movies like “Christmas Vacation” and think they can be super cute by wearing “ugly” sweaters.  They even have contests for the most ugly sweater.  They had one at my former workplace, and the secretary asked the assistant director if she was in the contest.  She said “No.”  Awk-ward.

Your biggest question, I’m sure, is where people are getting these sweaters since Grandma flew the coop.  Well look no further, retailers have solved this for you!  They have purposely created lines of “ugly sweaters”.  Just – wait.  The whole point of the ugly sweater thing was that this was not done on purpose.  You wore it out of good old fashioned Christmas guilt.  You didn’t purposely buy it under a tag saying ugly.  If you purposely buy something ugly while realizing it’s ugly, you’re just dumb.  Also, these ugly sweaters aren’t even always ugly.  Some looked fine to me.  Who doesn’t like a cute penguin on their shirt?  Heathens, that’s who.

Anyone who doesn’t like Penguins is a commie.

Welp, that’s all I have time for today.  Please feel free to give any suggestions below for other stupid traditions, songs, or gifts, or whatever else your annoyed about this Christmas and my Things and I will try to cover it.

Merry CHRISTMAS so sayeth the Lord,

Alice

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16 responses

  1. Christmas songs. They are everywhere. Especially that “Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney. I guess it has one thing going for it in that it is not religious. I personally don’t like the Christmas songs. I do like some traditional songs like The Christmas Song though. Maybe I’ll do that as a blog!
    I love your post and the Series Idea! Looking forward to the next one.

    1. I love Paul, but yeah Wonderful Christmas time, like all Christmas songs, played constantly really grates on your nerves. Especially since it seems like “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.” are the only lines.

      What is The Christmas Song? I’ve probably heard it, but there are roughly 5 bazillion of these songs, so not sure.

      Anyhoo, thanks for the contribution. 🙂

      1. The Christmas Song is the one with the chesnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at yiour nose song. I like the Nat King Cole version, I saw that Justin Bieber covered it? And Christine Agulera, Arianda Grande? That is kind of disturbing to me. No, just no. Nat King Cole. He has the voice for that song.

        1. Ohhh right! My brother sometimes sings that song like Bob Dylan, which is hilarious but truly awful. I totally agree with Nat King Cole – he can cover anything. I especially love his version of “O Holy Night.”

  2. The Beatles sayeth that these jumpers are not fab. Not fab at all.

    1. Do you think they looked back at that pic and were like wtf or more like when I see an old driver’s license picture and am like hey I looked better than I thought compared to now.

      1. I know for sure that John would have said, damn I am a fat ass.

        1. Lol. Imagine all the people – with their big fat butts oh ohhhhh.

  3. So that’s where this sweater thing started…. from the old “Grandma made/got you that nice sweater/socks/underdrawers, and by golly, you’re wearing it to her house for Xmas!”? I always said “Fuck that! Let Grandma know her taste is hideous and she needs to start buying us Nintendo games instead of stupid clothes!” I usually had the nasty clothes already thrown away by then anyway. I was a little bastard….

    1. My parents (grandparents to my Things) got smart and decided to hand out money, the best gift of all. These days, I wouldn’t mind getting underwear, as it is no longer free, but it would sort of depend on the giver.

      We were all little jerks at Xmas.

  4. I think this is where being in community wins out. We wear a habit, so no ugly Christmas jumpers for us!!

    1. No Christmas habits? Aw, man. I did see a sweater that said “Jesus’s Birthday” with a knitted pic of the big J, so I’m sure the sisters would approve of that.

        1. I had a nun in some of my education classes (back when I thought I wanted to be a teacher eeek) and she was very patient with my questions. Such as – do you have a closet full of dozens of the same habit? Do habits come in other colors for mix and match? NO Amy, they do not. 😀

  5. I have to disagree. I know a number of heathens who like penguins quite a lot, and would be happy to have them on their holiday sweaters. If I had to pick a holiday custom to abolish, it would definitely be Christmas music on the radio in NOVEMBER, before Thanksgiving. Totally ridiculous.

    That said, Ariana Grande can cover any song she wants. That young lady has some serious pipes. The real shame in her career is that most of her music hides her actual talent with an excessive amount of autotuning (in her case, ANY autotuning is excessive).

    1. One of my Christmas stations started playing Christmas music after Thanksgiving, but that’s still too much.

      Your soul is lost, heathen, but at least you like penguins. 😀

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