Yay, Christmas! That special time of year when parents go out of their minds trying to find the latest usually electronic toy while screaming into their own electronic toys.* Well, I think it’s time we forgot about this new-fangled stuff and tried some good old-fashioned family values gifts. Like board games! Remember those? Monopoly, Sorry, Clue – all games that inspired fun and delight and usually only one or two fistfights.
*Psst fingerlings spotted at Target! Just kidding.
There are some new games come to the table now, though, and all revolving around a specific bodily function. Every one of these was found in the Toys R Us catalog, and on the same page, by my astute blog assistants and children, Thing One and Thing Two.
- Pull My Finger Hilarious Game
Hilarious game, alright! I’m not just saying that, it’s listed as part of the title on the Toys R Us website. What used to be a gross grandpa game for unlucky kids is now a game you can buy for any impressionable children for just $19.99! Because we all know they need to be encouraged to do things like fart.
It’s good that they give clear instructions. Pull finger, butt inflates. I wanted to know how the butt inflates (naturally), so I investigated further.
There is a video on the earlier link with overexcited kids (really, one kid’s eyes cartoonishly pop out of his sockets, but only for a split second, so you’re not sure you just saw that or not). I also included this one, though, because the acting from the adult creators (yes adults) from Jakks Pacific (a respectable toy company!) is just that stellar.
Here’s a quick transcript . . .
Woman 1: (sees man and woman alone in room together with a monkey toy) What are you two doing?
Man: Have you seen this game yet? Ha ha. This is my life, guys.
(Woman 2 proceeds to show her what to do. Spin spinner. Pull finger.)
Woman 1: Like what is this gonna do?
Woman 2: Like, its butt is in your face and filling up with air. Guess!
Woman 1: This is so hilarious. I could not be more deadpan.
(After way too many pulls, and a small fart noise,the butt deflates a disappointing amount. Woman 1 squeals. All ask for checks.)
Clearly the first ad from Toys R Us overstated the amount of inflation and explosion. I’d love to see one where the monkey literally explodes. That would be entertainment.
2. Goliath The Original Doggie Doo Game
A game about dog crap? About time! I love that the website notes that this is no fake Doggie Doo, no, for just $22.99 you get the Goliath Original Doggie Doo game. That goodness, I do hate knockoffs when it comes to my poop.
If you look at the actual toy, it turns out Goliath here is a dachshund, a fairly disturbed one due to his owners maliciously pushing play-dough into his mouth, pumping it through his doggie digestive system, then taking said poop and putting it back in again, all according to the whims of the SPINNER. Someone call PETA.
After watching the ad on Toys R Us, I realize the game is by the company Goliath, it’s not the dog’s name. This dog is named Experiment 666. Also – these people need to get out more if they get that thrilled watching poop fall out. Just hang around any dog’s butt for a while and you can see this happen in real time. You don’t even need a pump.
3. Don’t Step In It! Game
Blindfolded, poop-dodging fun? Count me in! For another $19.99, you can try to avoid the poop Goliath left during earlier experiments. But what is game play like? There was no ad for this game on the website, so I had to go with the instructions on the page.
The Don’t Step In It! Game Features:
- Blindfolded, poop-dodging fun
- Mold the included compound to look like piles of poop
- Step in the fewest poops to win
- Play with friends or dodge the poop solo
I see so many more options for this game. For one thing, if you have your friends blindfolded, why just use some compound with unknown chemicals? Get the real thing, available in parks everywhere! Or for added excitement, up the ante with tacks or pieces of broken glass. Nothing says “popular game” like one that destines kids for the ER! Unless you have no friends, then dodge the poop solo and commiserate with Goliath and the farting monkey. They will never leave you!
4. Gas Out
I just know there are more poop games out there – they were all in the catalog together! Yet when I searched for poop games (not recommended) I found stuff like Chutes and Ladders. That is a crap game, true, but not quite what I was wanting.
So I had to settle for this gem. Gas Out is not a monkey farting, but an actual gas cloud. So in analogy, instead of playing with a dog that poops, we’re playing with the anthropomorphic poop. Yuck, I mean who would do that . . .
Back to the gas! The first picture they show you when clicking on the game on the website (again not recommended), is this one. Right away I’m seeing a very concerned looking fart and Math flash cards. No good could come of this.
If you click on the ad in the link, you’ll see kids dancing to ballet music while squeezing their farts. They really should have played “The Star Spangled Banner” for perfect background music. But exactly what is this green thing? What is its name? What’s its background story? Toys R Us lets us know.
Kids won’t be able to stop giggling with the Gas Out Game! Guster the Gas Cloud is full of intestinal discomfort and he’s ready to rip!
You know when “intestinal discomfort” is mentioned, the game has got to be good. I’m also impressed that the gas cloud, out of all the others, has an actual name. Guster. I will know now when I go to the doctor for – my friend’s issues, exactly what to call it. Maybe it will be on the 2018 list of most popular names!
Oddly enough, the ad did not explain the mechanics of this complicated game. Luckily, I found some.
Be the last player to pass Guster the Gas Cloud without him farting and win!
Players take turns playing Gas Out Number cards in their hand and pressing Guster as many times as shown.
If Guster farts during your turn – you’re out!
Special game-changing Gas Out cards like Skip and Reverse keep the play tooting along.
Includes electronic Guster the Gas Cloud and one deck of Gas Out cards.
Wait, is the X just a skip card, or is that a hidden feature? I’m still scared of multiplication, especially with farts. No word on whether the game developer added smell. Just feed the children beans and they can supply it themselves.
Well, that was a real pantload of joy right there. I had planned on showing off one other item – a fat unicorn who poops out supposed ice cream the kids EAT. No, I’m not kidding. It’s not really a game, unless you count gambling over whether your kid gets Guster discomfort from the ice cream. Personally, I’m not eating anything that comes from a game about poo or gas; I don’t care if it is from a bloody unicorn’s butt. And I was definitely not tempted to buy it (supplies are limited!) For more on this sparkly creature, see ES’s blog for that and even more frightening toys for the Christmas season.
Be sure to tell me what you think of these toys, or any suggestions for more fabulous Christmas songs, toys, traditions, or whatever else you’d like me to cover. Hopefully I’ll get to it before that sneaky squirrel steals it.