WTF Christmas Songs

In the past I’ve done posts about my love of Christmas songs.  There was Scary Santa Songs and another about the wacky song “Do you hear what I hear?”.  I got an irate reader years later from that one.  She felt the need to tell me the song wasn’t meant to be taken LITERALLY on a blog that is not meant to be taken literally.  Except when it is.  I looked it up, and found out I have two posts with that same title, and one is serious, and one is not.  It would be enough to blow that poor reader’s mind.

This topic may seem funny, but trust me, it’s very serious to many people.  Even good Christmas songs played repeatedly can get irritating, but when they are also nauseating, saccharin, repetitive, and / or questionable, it just gets worse.  I got a few votes for bad Christmas songs from a reader, and searched the Internet for more of them.  Not only did I find songs I had disliked for years, I also found a song I had somehow never heard of by John Denver.  I still wish I had never heard it, and so will you.

Enjoy, kids!

This is just a portion of them.

1.Wonderful Christmas Time

This song was submitted by reader crimsonowl63.  I say this so my good buddy Merbear will not get mad at me for including Paul McCartney. (THE BEATLES ARE FAB!) I usually like Paul, and I don’t detest this song like some do (it was on a few lists I found).  However, it does have a wee bit of repetition that could get annoying pretty quickly.  For instance, the lyrics “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time” are sung about 20 times (I counted) but it seems like more, and then there’s the part about the ding dongs.

“Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong”

No more ringing!  Really, though, the best thing about this song is the video, made in 1979 with lots of LSD side effects.  I love it!

2.Baby It’s Cold Outside

This song fits into both the “repetitive” and “questionable” category.  Basically, a woman wants to go home, but the guy wants her to stay.  Because it’s . . .  cold, yeah, that’s it.  But hey, it’s warm in his – house!  They go back and forth repeatedly with her saying “I really need to go home.” and him saying “But baby, it’s cold!” and her saying “I have a heater in my car.” and him saying “I took the engine out”, etc.  Charming!

Just once I’d love the song to end with police sirens because the woman speed dialed 911 while the guy continued to croon at her.

3.Santa Baby

Speaking of 911, this time we have a woman seductively hitting up Santa for lots of material possessions cause she’s been good all year.  She didn’t jump ALL the men she met, after all, so no harm no foul! This sounds a bit too much like the response many men in Hollywood, Congress, probably Mr. Roger’s neighborhood by now, etc., have had to accusations of harassing women.  Good to know it’s equal opportunity.

Cause this woman wants a freaking platinum mine, and is probably willing to do whatever it takes to get it, including kidnapping Santa in her man trap or possibly forcing St. Nick into marriage so she can really have access to the good stuff.  Hurry down the chimney, big guy!

It’s not Christmas till the cops show up!

4.Little Saint Nick

I know I’ve talked about plenty of Santa songs, but seriously, I can’t believe I forgot this one because man do I hate it.  The Things were forced to perform this song twice a piece while waving red and green stop signs because school programs suck.  It’s written by the Beach Boys who, as Thing Two pointed out, really only wrote one song ever, and just slightly budged the lyrics here and there.

This one’s not even about Santa, but his sleigh – although the Beach Boys are under the impression it’s either a car or a surfboard, since that’s all they sing about.  The irritating, nails on chalkboard chorus really gets me.

It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick
It’s the little Saint Nick
Ooooo, little Saint Nick

Repeat this a million times or so.  Run, run reindeer before the Beach Boys hitch you up to their woody.

5.Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas

No, seriously, this is a real song. By John Denver!  The guy who sang happy, nostalgic songs about West Virginia and some chick named Annie!  I had never heard of this song before, but it appeared on a bad Christmas song list somewhere and I had to check it out.

I realized I was filling an entire post just from my hatred of the “Christmas Shoes” song alone (“Mom’s dying! She needs shoes!”), so I figured this would make a good substitute for the bummer Christmas song category.  It’s tough to get through the symbolism, but it seems this kid doesn’t want his dad to get drunk this Christmas, unlike last year when he passed out under the tree.  Apparently this makes mom cry.  He says this a lot.  Dad drunk.  Mom sad.

Yay I got drunk Dad for Christmas!

Here’s the festive lyrics.

Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Just last year when I was only seven, now I’m almost eight as you can see.
You came home a quarter past eleven, fell down underneath our Christmas tree.

Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Please daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t wanna see my mamma cry.
Mamma smiled and looked outside the window. She told me, “Son, you better get upstairs.”
Then you laughed and hollered “Merry Christmas.” I turned around and saw my mamma’s tears.

Here’s a user-made video with the happy twangy lyrics and inexplicably a flashing Christmas tree and fireplace.  Oh, yes, you’ll be happy to know that this song has also been remade!  Twice!

Merry Christmas!

~ Alice

12 responses

  1. I had someone on FB go on a rant yesterday about how people were trying to ruin classic Christmas songs by being too PC about Baby It’s Cold Outside. There were many exclamation points used. I was like, calm down. We’re just saying it’s a little rapey, but by all means you keep listening to it.

    1. Lol, oh yes I would not be surprised if, even years from now, I get someone complaining about me using that song for that very reason. As we all know, classic Christmas songs are sacred, because no one ever got harassed back in the good old days!

  2. Hey, I openly admit to hating Wonderful Christmastime. lol Mer knows I don’t like it. I’m not even sure she likes it. I hope not.
    I never heard that John Denver song before. Wow I don’t know why it isn’t more popular. Such a cheery song! I didn’t listen, though, after I saw the descriptive word twangy.
    Yeeeeaaah, I know Santa Baby is bad, but I love the Eartha Kitt version! It’s Cold Outside, kidnapping anyone? Love the post. Took my mind off the terrible things Oval Office Boy has done now. Lot of fun!

    1. Thanks! I can’t figure out why John’s song isn’t more popular either, especially considering they relentlessly play “Christmas Shoes” every year till you want to slap the artist with a pair of spiked heels. Eartha Kitt gets a pass, as does Nat King Cole, especially since they came long before “Christmas Shoes”.

      Someone please shove Oval Office Boy down a chimney.

  3. I really like Paul McCartney (I once drove across 3 states to go to his concert). I’d like him even more if he didn’t have this horrible Christmas Time song.

    1. Me too! I’m starting a movement to make “Live and Let Die” a Christmas tune.

  4. I love this and agree whole-heartedly with your selections. I would add “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” particularly when performed by Johnny Mathis. It sends me into a rage. I cannot explain it.

    1. They always, without fail, play that song when you’re depressed and Christmas shopping for people you hate in Wal-Mart.

  5. Wonderful Christmas Time was covered on an album I recently bought, and gah, I hated it. I hadn’t heard it before, so I was rather glad when I found out it was a cover and that they hadn’t written it.

    #5 is truly WTF.

    1. That is a relief, though I’m pretty sure the Beatles did write “I am the Walrus”. I still think that would make a better Christmas song.

      It really is wtf – especially the title which is half the song.

  6. I can’t remember your Christmas songs last year, but I’m sure you must know this one:

    It’s in a similar category to the “Daddy don’t get drunk” one, I think, but perhaps slightly less depressing because I don’t think there are actually any children involved and the couple seem to be perfectly happy with their lot in their own dysfunctional way.

    1. I hadn’t heard that one before! It could also fit into the “Wtf are they saying?” song category, and not just because of the accent. I’m pretty sure the guy would be mostly incomprehensible either way. I definitely understood when they started creatively insulting one another in public, though.

      The video is the best. All those sad drunks lying around, and even the band looking like they want to down a bunch of pills, then suddenly they pick up with that happy jig. Thanks for sharing!

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