Angsty Christmas songs for the young scamp

I have a guest blogger today, my daughter, the one and only Thing Two.  She has her own blog now, but it’s private so I’m showing you a bit today.  How about some angsty Xmas songs from one who knows best, a teen?

Hoo boy, Christmas. Wow, what a wonderful holiday. I can’t wait for my seasonal depression to consume me this holiday. What joy this holiday brings, I wait every year despite the knowledge that my emotions are going to plant sharp, welcoming needles for every step I take. Wait, that’s everyday… Christmas is basically every day. Christmas is literally just a pointless, commercial black hole that everyone falls into. At least Hanukkah has a meaning, December 25th isn’t even Jesus’s birthday. Dec 25 was probably the day Jesus was betrayed by freaking Judas. Anyway, I’m an angsty millennial person, and there are songs for that (that was an intro? That was like choking on sprinkles.)

 

7. All I want for Christmas is you- My Chemical Romance

Now, you’re looking at the title and saying to yourself “That song is not angsty, it’s a Christmas classic!” Well, that’s because of it being a cover, but how can a cover be angsty? Just listen to Gerard Way’s vocals. It only takes him about twenty seconds till he starts to scream angerly into his mic. After you hear this… it’s unhearable. You’ll start to believe the way Gerard sings the song is the original way, which in my opinion is far superior to how it is originally sung. The original keeps the same tempo and style the whole way through, while this one spices it up. It’s good to have an overused song get a more grungy feel, it gives hot topic something to play on the holidays.

6. Don’t Shoot me Santa- The killers

You better have a good reason for Santa to put down that ak-47. Now this cheerful tune is a classic for all years round, just be careful cause saint nick has a bullet in his gun.

“Oh, Santa
I’ve been killing just for fun
Well, the party is over kid
Because I, because I got a bullet in my gun
(A bullet in your what?)
Don’t shoot me Santa Clause
I’ve been a clean living boy
I promise you, did every little thing you ask me to
I can’t believe the things I’m going through”
Well, what positive vibes I’m getting from those lyrics. Well, in Germany they have Krampus…so I guess the emos have this Santa. First of all, what did this kid do that was so terrible the death penalty was fair? And why is Santa the one doing this? I infer this song takes place in Texas, cause everyone and their tapeworms have guns in Texas, and the death penalty is welcomed in any county (except Austin). In a literal and metaphorical sense, this song is angsty all the way.  In a metaphorical sense, it’s the angstiest. Now, what makes a song quote on quote”angsty” is a thick metaphor hidden beneath it, and lyrics that sound like they’d be on a scene kid’s myspace. This song is one of the most meaningful on this list. The boy in this song is feeling guilty about something is admits to, and he had no reason to do it. Santa represents everyone he loved and who was close to him. He fears that the one thing he did is going to make everyone turn on him, and he becomes a target. Or in another sense, this is someone struggling with intense anxiety, fearing everything they do is wrong and they will be terrible judged, when really its just a small mistake. D e e p

5. Santa stole my Girlfriend – The Maine
Santa really needs to calm down. He’s gone off the rails…too many kids asked for Nintendo switches. Santa doesn’t have the money for that. He tried to become a hitman and murder some kids that wanted the switches, but it just made it worse. Mrs.clause divorced him…he has to find a new one. That’s why he stole a girlfriend.
” I saw them dancing under mistletoe
Thought it was nothing but I guess I didn’t know
(I guess I didn’t know)
That there was something going on with them
Santa, you player, I thought we were friends”
The meaning of this one is pretty obvious, guy loses the girl to a way better guy, end of story. Just…why use Santa? Santa didn’t deserve to be framed.

4. Yule shoot your eye out- Fall out Boy
Me and fall out boy, we’ve got some good memories. Like the time I ate icing from a cup during an existential crisis while listening to a whole album, yep, good times. Fall out Boy is actually one of my favorite bands…so let’s see what they have to offer.
“One awkward silence
And two hopes you cry yourself to sleep
Staying up, waiting by the phone
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me
Before you bury yourself alive
Don’t come home for Christmas
You’re the last thing I want to see
Underneath the tree
Merry Christmas, I could care less”
I can feel the emo in me try to break free. I feel like this song is how the Republican party feels about Trump right now. This is the one song you would hear at some sort of angry poetry slam. If I was at an angry poetry slam, I’d read this and dedicate it to ajit pai (while writing this, my auto-correct wanted to correct “pai” to “pain” and I couldn’t agree more). I’m afraid Ajit Pai is going to be the one thing I despise under my tree this year.

I attempted to play this song on the ukulele… I regretted even trying.
3. Merry Christmas kiss my a**- All time low
This song is also one I’d like to dedicate to Ajit Pai. If this title alone doesn’t spell angsty, I don’t know what angst is anymore.
“And I hope you’re happy with yourself
‘Cause I’m not laughing
Don’t ya think, it’s kind of crappy
What you did this holiday?
When I gave you my heart
You ripped it apart
Like the wrapping paper trash
So I wrote you a song
Hope that you sing along
And it goes Merry Christmas
Kiss my a**”
Don’t break up with any of the All time low members… actually, please don’t date them at all. I Don’t even have to analyze this song… it speaks for its self.

2. Merry merry merry frickin Christmas-  frickin A
It just gets better and better, doesn’t it? I actually really adore this song. I listen to it every year, and it still makes me want to sit in my grandma’s hallway attempting to avoid my family.
“Schools out, Christmas break
Home for the holiday’s meatloaf and fruitcake
Off to grandmas, it’s so boring
Screaming kids and grandpa’s snoring
My aunt Margaret’s lost her mind
She’s trippin’ on a train set, have another box of wine
It’s gonna be a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas
I must be on Santa clauses sh**list
The tree, the gifts, the mistletoe kiss
Shoot me now I’m sick of all my relatives
Have a merry merry merry frickin’ Christmas”
There’s also another version of this song, but I prefer this one since its more angsty. I know who is on Santa clauses sh**list though…(hint: his name happens to rhyme with pit die).
Note: the only video I could find of this version was Ouran high school host club… which I doubt you’d want to watch a whole bunch of highly romanticized gay boys dance around ( i actually used to watch that anime and I don’t know why) so…enjoy a harry potter version.

1. This Christmas (I’ll burn it to the ground)- Set it off
Oh Set it off, I loved you in 5th grade…now I’m not too sure. My and my friend both used to listen to this and talk about how much we related to it, which sounds psychotic but aren’t all 5th graders psychotic? I believe 5th grade was when I watched Minecraft videos and read creepypastas… I also had really edgy characters I made (one was literally named “blood stitch” and if I told you the story of that character, I would physically not be able to talk about it cause of how pure blooded cringe it is). My point is, this song is edgy, I’m still edgy, let’s listen to some edge.
“Oh my God, it’s here, this awful time of year
How I hate the snow is falling
Wealthy neighbors bragging about the gifts they’re getting
Hey Jack! They say, let me take a guess now! You’re getting K-Mart clothes again!
And then, I had a revelation!
This is my chance to sew their lips clean shut with fear
Because…
This Christmas, I’ll burn it to the ground!
This Christmas, Santa’s skipping town!
This Christmas, everything will change, when they see the flames
This Christmas day!”
You’re probably magically wearing black now. Just accept it, this song has the power to make Michelle Obama want to burn down her vegetable stash in anger.

Last Christmas I was emo, now it’s coming back. I blame this list for that.
Merry Christmas to all and to all an angsty night

 

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3 responses

  1. Thing Two, I’ve read about you through the years via your mom’s blog, but I always figured you couldn’t possibly be awesome like that. My mistake, because you clearly are. Excellent Christmas Day piece.

    If your blog is private because you’re underage and trying to steer clear of the creepies on the internet, I’m pretty sure your mom would vouch for me. If it’s private because you just want your friends reading it, or it’s really personal, or any other reason that would put me outside the category of acceptable reader, no problem.

    However, if you wanted to send me an invite to follow, I would love reading more of your writing so much. You’re better than most adult bloggers I stumble onto. Plus, I have an 18-year-old and a 14-year-old, so it would be so nice to have a young woman like you, who might help me to stay up-to-date and relevant with the teenage brain.

    There, that’s my sales pitch. One way or another, I enjoyed this mightily. Thank you, and I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas!

    1. With that convencing method, i’d be happy to invite you.

  2. This proves that you’re deifinitely your mother’s daughter, because your writing style is almost identical (along with the political views and sense of humour).

    I’ve said all along that you’re amazing and brilliant, and this just completely confirms that!

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