Strap yourselves in, guys, cause the next presidential run is fully underway, with just twenty (TWENTY) Democratic contenders – this beats out the 17 Republican contenders in 2016 – hoping to beat one moronic toddler dictator Republican president. You’d think at this point we’d be rather confident that we could beat Trump, but you’d be wrong, of course. There is no way he should have won the first time, and certainly no way he should have a shot in Hades of winning this time, but this is America, and the land is dark and full of morons.
Speaking of stupidity, let’s get to the candidates. I wanted to write this before watching any commentary or reading any articles by “professional debate reporters” so that you could get it from the point of view of a confused blogger. You’re welcome. This first debate reminded me a little too strongly of an episode of Game of Thrones. You aren’t sure who half the characters are, but it doesn’t matter because most of them are likely to be killed off pretty quickly. This might be literal for some of these candidates, who are really freaking old. This is not just some ageist remark. I recently watched Biden, our 76 year old former Vice President who obviously has a great deal of political experience – despite being somewhat out of touch with reality – stumble on multiple words during the high point of his speech at a rally. It was less like, ah well everyone flubs a word, and more like OMG is he having a stroke?
We didn’t get a shot at Biden last night, but we got ten other guys and gals (we get the other ten today, oh woot!). It wasn’t just a stretch of white guys, nope, there were three, count ’em, three women, at least one of whom had a purpose to be there, a black guy, and a Hispanic guy. Also several tall white guys. I watched the debate with my Things, who tried to help me out in remembering who was who, or at least catching their names on the screen when they talked. Thing Two took some great pictures, as you’ll see below. Anyway, they threw the candidates up on screen like we were on a giant-sized episode of Jeopardy, complete with podiums that light up when the candidate rings in, er, speaks. So here they are:
Senator Elizabeth Warren (Girl! Rough around the edges but has a puppy!)
Senator Corey Booker (The black guy with the shiny head)
Representative Beto O’Rourke (Guy from Texas with a hot mugshot)
Representative Tulsi Gabbard (Another girl!)
Mayor Bill de Blasio (White New Yorker guy)
Former Hud Secretary Julian Castro (Hispanic guy!)
Sen Amy Klobacher (what are all these women persons doing here?)
Gov. Jay Inslee (I . . .have no idea. Some white guy.)
Rep. John Delaney (Again no clue.)
Rep. Tim Ryan ( Um?)
It was kind of hard for most of them to stand out. I did recognize Beto O’Rourke, former representative from Texas who just ran for governor and lost by one of the narrowest margins in Texas history, a state that has run red for decades. That may be as much an example of how much Republicans have sucked as it is Beto’s actual qualifications. Anyhoo, it turns out he is not half Mexican, half Irish (I’d love to see that household!) but just a guy with an Irish name and a Hispanic nickname. He does speak Spanish as he lets everyone know by randomly starting out answering a question in Spanish. I think I was supposed to be impressed, but mostly I was confused as despite years of Spanish in school, I didn’t know what he was saying.
At least he had the excuse of speaking another language with his confusion, along with two others (I think) who also showed they could speak another language. Look, guys, we have limited time – just send us a resume with your skills, mmkay?
I don’t have the patience (or the memory) to cover how they didn’t really answer the questions, so here’s just a little sample for brevity’s sake.
Moderator: Booker, could you answer this question about black people, you being black and all and representing black people?
Corey Booker: Yes, I could, and much better than Beto there, who had really dumb policies and is so not as hot as I am . . .
Beto O’Rourke: Oh yeah, people loved my mug shot, man, what you talkin’ about . . .
Booker: I’m speaking here, what do you think this is, debate?
Beto O’Rourke: Spanish people love me, watch me speak Spanish! Estupido!
Moderator: Maybe later, O’Rourke, let’s ask Julio Castro – that is you and not your twin right?
Julian Castro: Maaaybe, Hola! Como estas!
Moderator: Right, so, how about those Latinos? Should we let them in? You being the Latino representative here.
Beto O’Rourke: Me too! They call me Beto . . .
Julian Castro: You’re white, please stop. I have interesting things to say.
Moderator: Enough of that!
Elizabeth Warren: I’m concerned about Tim Ryan over there. His eyes are bulging out like he just got pantsed big time.
Tim Ryan: I literally can’t blink.
Moderator: He’ll be fine. Now let’s have this white male candidate talk about women’s issues. No pressure.
White male candidate: I have a good record on women’s issues, and they should get abortions, cause I want to live.
Amy Klobacher: I think these two women candidates and I know better. Cause women! Am I right? Huh?
Moderator: Your fellow candidates are staring in horror. Shut up. Now about the environment . . .
Tulsi Gabbar: I’m for the environment. But you should know that I don’t just have good cheekbones. I was in the military! Unlike you wimps.
Beto O’Rourke: Hey, I have good cheekbones too!
Elizabeth Warren: This is not about cheekbones! This is about giving away free stuff – like free college for all, and no more homework for schoolchildren ever. You get a diploma, you get a diploma, YOU get a diploma!
Amy Klobacher: But who is going to fund this college?
Elizabeth Warren: Your face is, Amy.
Moderator: Back to the questions, please raise your hand if you would like to pander to your audience.
(All raise hands)
Moderator: Great, each of you gets 45 seconds and not one second more . . . I mean it . . . I’m going to get the water bottle . . .
(Sprays all candidates with a hose until they stop talking.)
So that was part one! How did you guys feel about it? Did you get that sinking feeling that we are totally screwed? Well don’t give up yet, wait until tonight when we have the second round with Biden, Sanders, the way overqualified gay guy, and the others. Then give up.
Stay tuned, this is Alice, your raving reporter, signing out.