Now that my depression has lifted for however long, I have lots of plans. I have more energy to do the plans. I have resolutions, like not drinking so much cola, and losing weight (because it’s healthy, not to look like I’m 20 – as Mamie said to Scarlett O’hara – “You done had a baby. You ain’t never wearing that again.” Or something to that effect; I’m not looking it up.) I also want to write more about esketamine nasal treatments, the history, and a personal account of what it’s like. Well, kind of – it’s a little hard to describe. But I couldn’t find much when I looked, so it’s better than nothing. I also wanted to clean, clean, clean cause I have a lot of that to do. So much. And Marie Kondo won’t return my calls so it’s up to me.
But then this morning I couldn’t get myself to move. It was like, I’m awake, I got motivation, but my body isn’t moving. That’s odd. Then I had this genius idea of getting those tiny coke cans that are actually 8 oz (I can’t believe that’s 8 oz cause I have gotten used to 32 oz and 8 oz is like a drink from the water fountain) and there was this sale, but you had to buy four six packs. I was okay with this because I had plans to label them so that my husband would not whine that he didn’t get some, and that I could know which ones were mine and could like wean myself off of them. I think that was the idea. So the Things and I went to the grocery store and we got this but then we also got a few other things like pizza for tonight (it’s low calorie pizza no not really shut up) and then we checked out but I didn’t get the special exactly cause it was 3 for one and not 4 for one. I think. Whatever.
So then we went to McDonald’s for fountain drinks because I don’t have much ice at home (MY first world problem) and the others weren’t cold and I haven’t started my resolution yet why are you looking at me??? Then I paid and I started to drive away without picking up my drinks until the Things pointed it out, so I went back through the drive-through but they were nice and stuff and didn’t point out my stupid. Thanks, McD’s. Anyway at some point during this I was like, huh, my chest really hurts. I mean sure I had been coughing up great gobs of green goo, but that’s not unusual (sorry for the description there), so it hadn’t occurred to me that I could be sick. Just garden variety sick – or at least my garden variety. Wow.
I’m not sure how to explain how odd it is to be relieved that you are sick. But it meant I wasn’t sad again, and that I could later lay down and that was fine. But I wanted peeps to know I wasn’t disappearing because I was sad again. I’m okay. It’s just mucus. Be back soon.
So it’s finally Christmas Day, and there is much to be thankful for – like that this day will soon be over and eventually your extended family will be gone. Here’s hoping you get into one of those fantastic political conversations that always go so well! Just think positive: Unless you are in a couple of states, it really doesn’t matter what you think or how you vote anyway!
Why am I so relaxed about this? Well, part of it is called Esketamine. It’s a nasal spray. Yes, that’s right, something I snorted into my sinuses has made not only made me happier but more relaxed than I have been in – EVER pretty much. I have always worried, since I was a little girl, and my body has been in permanent fight or flight mode for so long I thought that was how it was. Because while I hadn’t been as sad and stressed as I was when I was working full time, I wasn’t – well anything much. I was still a Mom, yes, but that was about all I could do. I slowly got worse and worse until I didn’t go out. I didn’t take basic care of myself. My house looks like a bomb went off filled with someone else’s crap, cause surely I didn’t buy this? So – I was thinking maybe there might be something more to life than this.
And so I tried the new treatment. And it was like getting glasses for the first time, and realizing I was supposed to see leaves on the trees.
Did you know the leaves are incredibly beautiful? I mean not when they’re swept into the gutter and filled with gunk, but before that. Listening to Christmas hymns about the birth of new life and hope now fills my formerly anxiety ridden chest with air that expands into ever rising joy. Stuff that used to worry me – like my in-laws on the holidays and how they don’t show up on time and you don’t know who is coming and they talk about how big their guns are (it takes two hands to hold that sucker up! Big Gun! Gun Big!), just floated off of my back this time. I learned the secret, gals. Be like men. Doze off in a chair. It’s amazing how effective that is. I even got offered a bed by my step-mother-in-law later.
That’s not all either. You see, last year we lost several Christmas ornaments when our shed got blown over and all those carefully collected ornaments from years past got rain damage. So I put the ornaments in labeled boxes in our craft closet to keep them safe. But then about a week before Christmas it occurred to us that maybe we should put up some decorations or something and we couldn’t find the tree, which is kinda the most important part. After a search of the house, it was still in the shed, only this time it didn’t get rained on – unless you count golden showers. As in the kind that come from tom cats marking their territory.
Those cats claimed that tree like no one’s business. My husband still brought it in because he’s a guy, and well, he got us a tree didn’t he? Problem solved! Except it still smelled of cat pee. Thing One tried the Lysol trick, but Lysol is no much for tom cat on fake pine. I was not going to put ornaments on that thing, so I mentioned to my parents that hey, our tree got peed on by cats. Can we borrow one of yours? Now my husband is normally dangerously laid back, but for some reason he decided this was the time to put his foot down and say that we were fine, and did not need another tree. Why we loved our pee pee tree; it was OURs.
Again, normally this whole thing would have me much more upset but since I am better (this is Alice on “better”) the first thing I thought of was how I could take that old classic “Oh Christmas Tree” and turn it into “Oh Pee Pee Tree, how smelly are your branches!” And then I could write a post about it. Because who doesn’t think of cat urine when celebrating the holidays?
I was getting tired of the smell though, cause did I mention we also got two more turtles, making the total up to three turtles? No? Well, yeah there are three turtles. And a leopard gecko. I thought that was enough animal for our house without adding another special smell, so finally husband dear agreed to let my parents give us a small 3 foot tree which was just fine with me cause it’d take up much less space. My brave Thing Two took out the smelly tree to the garbage where maybe it will make a home for more alley cats. Reuse, recycle I always say.
Then today a six-foot-tall package showed up from Fed Ex. There was no return address. We were starting to think maybe this strange gift was from Santa, before I realized that the six foot tall box must be the gift my friend of over 30 years, Ravin, mentioned sending to the kids. Turns out I told a lot of people about the pee pee tree, and so in the spirit of the holidays, my old pal sent us a full sized tree. What a way to end a story.
Except not entirely. I still have several treatments to go of the Esketamine, and am staying cautiously optimistic about the effects (as well as the bill), but so far it has worked a real Christmas miracle on me. Since many people may want to know more, I plan on other posts telling about my adventures with unusual uses of anesthesia. I also, for the first time in a while, have plans and resolutions for the next year I hope to write about, saying we don’t get bombed by North Korea or whatever. But this was a Christmas story, so I think I’ll end it here.
Happy Holidays and a Pee Pee Free New Year!
A lot has happened in the past few months. Or maybe just the last few weeks, but at any rate, I feel much better now thanks to a gift I’ll talk about in a future post (it’s not the pee pee tree, though you’ll get more info on that as well! Cheers!). Right now, though, the clock is ticking and it’s just five days till Christmas, so you might want to think about buying something that isn’t from 7-11 for your family this year.
If you’d like to get a little something for me, maybe think about a keyboard that hasn’t had coke spilled on it. Thanks to someone’s cola addiction the “y” ke, which turns out is a ver important letter, makes it difficult to tyyyyyyyyyyyyyyype normallyyy. But enough ado, now for myyy list of top 5 Christmas gifts for your little brat! Btw, I made sure these all came from Amazon, since Santa is letting Bezos deliver now that he owns half the planet.
5. Obligatory Frightening Olaf
In honor of Frozen II and the merchandising genius of Disneyyyy, who owns the other half of the planet, I present Lego Olaf.
Lego does pretty well with buildings, but creating a person, animal or in this case, snowman, doesn’t work so well. Seeing this pop up caused both Thing One and I a jump scare, and we saw the whole movie (Frozen II: Freeze Harder). It gets worse, though. Check out the other wayyys to assemble Olaf.
Personally I’d just leave this guyyy unassembled.
Lots of good things come on sticks, like corndogs, cotton candy, carrots, etc. Then there are these guys.
You can’t tell from the picture, but these guys are basically plungers with mouths that kids operate with a knob so it looks like they are talking. I love how the description above reads “Perfect for family announcements.” Really? What announcement would you want to make with puppets, especially these puppets?
Just think how useful these puppets could be in the Presidential debates! Candidates could hide behind their podiums and continue to puppet the same tired talking points, but this way they could get in some Punch and Judy action too. Ratings would surely go up.
3. Stuffed Composers
Anyone remember the Baby Einstein stuff from the 1990s and early 2000s that had parents thinking they could make their babies smarter by playing them classical music? And how that was a load of crap? Guess what?
They’re back! It’s not just the Mozart effect this time, though. You can get a Ludwig Von Beethoven bear or even a Fryderyk Chopin (rolls off the tongue) bear! Finally, now babies will quit begging to hear more Fryderyk! You know how sometimes babies cry but nothing seems to satisfy them? It’s because you didn’t get them a composer bear, you jerk. There’s nothing like having a stuffed animal do your parenting for you!
2. Baby Shark Baby
Shark, Shark, Baby. Okay maybe I was a bit harsh on the composer bears. At least their music doesn’t stick in your head like the popular Baby Shark song “Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Dee Doo BABY SHAAAAARRRRRRK!” What could be more annoying? Pairing it with a Baby Alive doll of course!
What’s most fun about this doll though is that it is an even bigger liar than the composer bears. This doll does not sing Baby Shark. It also cannot go in water, according the instructions reviewers received along with their doll. This is in spite of both Amazon saying up above that it is great for “splashy water play fun!” and the picture showing the doll in water. Whoops.
- Baby-Go-Puke Doll
I realize the last two selections have been baby dolls, but I think these are the most messed up dolls they make. Who could forget the doll from yesteryear’s Christmas list that could poop charms? I know I can’t, though I still try.
On the plus side, this doll definitely does stuff, so parents shouldn’t be disappointed.
Lots of kids like to play doctor (no, not like that, sicko). This doll takes that above and beyond the realm of normal. No, she doesn’t actually projectile vomit (I always thought adding that to the Betsy Wetsy doll would make it more realistic) but she does have multiple ailments your child must quickly fix in order to stop it from crying a very lifelike cry, which is documented as one of the most stressful sounds on earth. And just like with real babies, you have no idea what problem the doll has until you try everything, which in this case can be up to seven different problems. Fun!
So there’s your list of go-to toys for the holiday season! Hurry up and order, and if you can, address these toys directly to the parents’ addresses. One reviewer reported that the last doll sounded like “mating cats” in the box, so unless you’re into that kind of thing, best to not even have it in the house.
Merry Christmas! And may your familyyyyy be forgiving!