The Blizzard

I know why I got so upset now.  I started feeling it last night and then this morning big time.  I had to do deep breathing.  I feel rage again.  I hadn’t felt anger in a long time.  I was reporting 0 on the happy sheet at the treatments.  But it’s bad.
angryface monster
I know they say to do a little at a time, but that doesn’t work with my house, not with illness and three other people working against me.  It’s like trying to shovel snow with the shovel from a child’s beach pail in the middle of blizzard.  I get a little done, but then I get sick from the asthma and allergies, then I get sick from the antibiotics that go on forever (still have like 5 more), and meanwhile what I got done is quickly covered up by more snow.  And my family is that damn blizzard.  Last night I wanted to escape so badly. I wanted to go anywhere, even the hospital as long as it was clean and I was alone.  I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.  They don’t care. They go away most of the day or ignore it, but I’m here day after day breathing in the dust and the dirt and the mold and feeling suffocated by the clutter that never ends. I keep picking it up and going through it, but I don’t reach an end.

laundry pile

Part of me wants to throw it all away.  All of it.  There is just no way I can do this alone.  If the entire house started spotless, maybe I could hope to try maintaining it, maybe.  But not like this.  I can’t even hire someone to clean it, saying I got the money together, until the clutter is gone, and that never stops falling.  I feel so defeated, and it all closes in on me.

I have to let it go right now.  I don’t know what else to do.

~ Alice

4 responses

  1. I can sort of relate, a little. Nothing like as close, but yes, being the only one to see the dirt/mess/whatever is really bloody hard.

    Could you just have a bonfire in the back garden and burn all the crap you don’t want/need? It might be cathartic, and if you actually threaten it to your family, maybe they’ll tidy up after themselves. Especially if you start carrying things outside and piling them up in a heap to try to burn them.

    NB: this isn’t really a serious suggestion, it’s just something that I hope might make you smile a little. xx

    1. Bonfire? Oh, yeah I’ve thought of it lol.

  2. I get really stressed out when the house is out of order. Renovations are the worst, but you should see me if we get a new piece of furniture and I have to figure out how to rearrange everything I’ve so carefully arranged. That’s the adjustment disorder talking!

    1. Yes, I’m terrible at organizing! I had a friend come over and she said “Oh I can see how you could organize this and this . . .” And I’m like “Great, because I have NO idea.” So yeah if I find a place for something, I’d go crazy if it had to move lol.

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