I know why I got so upset now. I started feeling it last night and then this morning big time. I had to do deep breathing. I feel rage again. I hadn’t felt anger in a long time. I was reporting 0 on the happy sheet at the treatments. But it’s bad.
I know they say to do a little at a time, but that doesn’t work with my house, not with illness and three other people working against me. It’s like trying to shovel snow with the shovel from a child’s beach pail in the middle of blizzard. I get a little done, but then I get sick from the asthma and allergies, then I get sick from the antibiotics that go on forever (still have like 5 more), and meanwhile what I got done is quickly covered up by more snow. And my family is that damn blizzard. Last night I wanted to escape so badly. I wanted to go anywhere, even the hospital as long as it was clean and I was alone. I don’t know how much longer I can stand it. They don’t care. They go away most of the day or ignore it, but I’m here day after day breathing in the dust and the dirt and the mold and feeling suffocated by the clutter that never ends. I keep picking it up and going through it, but I don’t reach an end.
Part of me wants to throw it all away. All of it. There is just no way I can do this alone. If the entire house started spotless, maybe I could hope to try maintaining it, maybe. But not like this. I can’t even hire someone to clean it, saying I got the money together, until the clutter is gone, and that never stops falling. I feel so defeated, and it all closes in on me.
I have to let it go right now. I don’t know what else to do.