BREAKING NEWS: EVERYTHING IS AWFUL!

According to reporters and randos on the internet, everything is awful. Penguins? Homeless. Kittens? Exploding. Mr. Rogers? Dead. Stay tuned to Catastrophe News for more

MAYBE DON’T WATCH / READ NEWS?

Some stupid blogger named Alice suggested that maybe people should stop watching and reading stories of warring politics and reports of death, disease, and mass destruction because it causes lots of anxiety. Pfft, say we journalists / news anchors.

Alice considers this a challenge and is not watching news or politics for the month of March. Can she do it? We doubt it! Check back soon to see if her mental health is even worse! Everyone in the newsroom is betting yes!

ARE DEAD DOGS VOTING IN ELECTIONS?

According to our source known as “Whiskers” dogs were caught committing voter fraud in the 2020 election. We must ask ourselves: Can we trust Champ Biden?

According to Newsmax, Champ is a very bad “junk yard dog” (see above picture of a dog kind of like Champ) but reporters from MSNBC say he is a good boi and loves everyone. Champ thinks kibble is great. (This was an actual story on both stations for reals).

MEDIA UNSURE HOW TO PROCEED

With our former president gone, a lot of news is now missing. So get ready for a quick summary. Covid Covid Covid. Vaccines. Racists still racist. Covid. Tiger Woods only man to ever have a car accident. Except the ones in these fiery explosions we found from past footage.

Some movie star tweeted something stupid and got fired. Covid. An avalance / earthquake / volcano / hurricane caused the deaths of millions (note to editor: please choose one before printing.)

4 responses

  1. Okay, forgive me, but I just have to say it. It’s in my DNA. Mr. Rogers is not dead. Not as long as there are people like me, regular people from Mr. Roger’s own neighborhood (okay, not Squirrel Hill, but close; also my father went to college in Latrobe) who still DVR and watch every episode that airs, who walk around oblivious that I’m no longer in the privacy of my home singing ‘It’s You I Like,’ who still get to delight my OB/GYN with the story of how Mr. Rogers married a couple of my parents’ friends in a hot tub (that story NEVER fails to delight), and who try with all our actions to live in a way we hope would make Fred proud. I know I’m not the only one. Also, I have a trolley to the Land of Make Believe. And I didn’t intend to go all happy, happy, joy, joy on your post, but I am now currently singing, “It’s such a good feeling, to know you’re alive
    It’s such a happy feeling, you’re growing inside
    And when you wake up ready to say
    I think I’ll make a snappy new day
    (*snap* *snap*) . . . “

    1. You are totally right. That’s my plan right now – I’m hopping on that trolley straight out of here to Squirrel Hill. I know a friend there already.

      1. Do you know (I just learned today) that trolley traveled 5000 miles each season? 😮 Will you please pick me up along the way? If you have a friend in Squirrel Hill, they can put up an extra houseguest until I decide which family member to impose upon. Besides, if the Neighborhood Trolley is taking us across the country, my cat will be all kinds of entertaining, I promise.

        1. YAY, Kitties! I have allergies but I will totes take a benadryl to see your cat. It’s so nice to see you commenting and not just cause I have so few readers just cause I hardly ever post! No, really, I love you and have hoped that you were doing okay since this depression and the world are a bitch. How are you doing? I’d love to know how to contact you. 🙂

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