Author Archive: Alice

Really Last Minute Christmas Gifts

I realize I already introduced the best new Christmas gift, STICK, last time, but I’m having a bit of trouble getting that patent. Some people seem to think paper towels already exist and that you could, say, put marker on them yourself. Blasphemers! Well, no matter, for I have saved your Christmas butts by searching out the best gifts on Amazon. I mean sure, you could do like my husband and get all the gifts for your loved one this evening at Walgreens. He’s lucky I’m easy to buy for with my love of fuzzy socks and bath products.

I bought his gift like weeks ago. It’s a toy Christmas train that cost ten whole dollars. He’ll love it. I should probably point out we just get what we want ourselves during the year which is why we are still married.

Anyhoo, enough of my family’s messes, we’re looking at your mess. Your gifts are likely to be late at this stage unless you live next to an Amazon warehouse and have good breaking and entering skills. If you have young children, they might question why their Christmas gifts are late. This is a good time to point out that Santa is evil and forgot their presents so from now on he’s cancelled and you, awesome parent that you are, are going to do his job.

Here are some of the top Christmas toys this year according to my thorough search on Amazon.

  1. Jeep Wrangler Baby Holder

Look how excited he is! Clearly a die-hard jeep fan!

Sure there are other baby holders out there, but how many of them look like a Jeep Wrangler, your baby’s favorite vehicle? And cost 88 dollars? Amazon says “FOR DIE-HARD JEEP FANS: This 3-in-1 activity walker resembles the classic Wrangler with its seven-slot grille, round headlamps and flat fender flares”. You should know that your baby will never be accepted into social circles without flat fender flares on his baby holder, er walker. It’s multifunctional too! After slamming into furniture in the jeep, baby can push the jeep into furniture. Sure to last baby around six months tops!

2. Educational Toys: Human Body Parts

Sure, he’s a little different, but just look at those dreamy eyes!

This is sure to be popular with kids. You can strip off his muscles, pull out his intestines, and pop out his eyeballs, just like in those popular video games! I am curious about the “try me” on the front of the box pointing to his insides. Try what? Exploratory surgery? I mean it is interactive, and you can even pose him running away from scientists.

Here’s another option. This guy’s not as cute, but look at those adorable organs. I’m not sure what the highlighted thing is. Liver? Loaf of bread? Also loving the stretched out intestines (they better be miles long!) and the bleeding heart or stomach or whatever it is why is there red under it?

3. Basic Spelling Fun Game, 80’s style!

Just look at that forced smile. Well, too bad, kid, cause Mom had this as a kid and she had to “play” with it in order to learn to spell. Just be glad she didn’t get you the Math version of this. That’s for your birthday, you ungrateful brat. I should point out that Amazon calls this “Basic Fun Speak and Spell”. Nothing like basic fun for Christmas!

4. Toilet Trainin’ Turdle!

Ahhhhhhhh plop plop, fizz fizz!

I like how Amazon ranked this the “Best Pooping Turtle”. When I’m shopping for my kid, I don’t want any defective pooping turtles. I want those turds to hit the toilet! Amazon also says this is a “ridiculous” toy, but what do they know? Toddlers care a lot about poop. Just ask, they’ll tell you all about it. Not only that Shelbert (that’s his name), can repeat phrases. Like, any phrases. I’d probably try quoting from child-friendly movies like “Pulp Fiction”, but that’s just me.

Just in case you thought I couldn’t spell turtle (I had a speak and spell ya know), he is for reals called a “Turdle”. I can’t imagine why. Just feed it the pink sandy stuff, then rinse, repeat! Turdles love eating their own poop. If you don’t like turdles, you can always go with a pooping flamingo.

You thought I was kidding, didn’t you?

There were so many other toys I wanted to include like the dog you shave until he looks like a paper mache freak (it’s real look it up). But here’s the final pick, in case you still feel the need to spy on your children.

5. Snoop on a Stoop

New improved elf on a shelf.

Elf on the shelf got finished off by an angry child, and good riddance. Now we have Snoop Dog on the job. You might think it’s too late to employ him, but it’s actually just in time. This is Snoop Dogg. He’s chill and won’t narc on your kids as long as they keep him set up in doobies. I want one for my very own.

Okay so that’s all for the last minute gifts. Have a great Christmas with your sure to be joyful kids. Do not come to my house. Snoop Dog is on guard.

– Alice

BEST NEW HOLIDAY TOY: STICK!

The Christmas season is upon us again! Joy is in the air! So is Covid! So maybe we should just think about what’s most important: toys. We all want toys for Christmas. I don’t care who you are, you want toys, though maybe you adults should keep some of those to yourselves. This is for THE CHILDREN.

Don’t worry, I have invented the best toy ever with the help of my counselor. Well, this wasn’t exactly what she had in mind, but we’ll get to that later. What’s the toy that every kid will want this Christmas?

Forget the Switch – Kids want STICK!

Stick is an awesome toy, and so versatile. You know how kids really love those “surprise reveal” toys so that they can open something, feel excitement for one second, then disappointment because they didn’t get the surprise they wanted in the surprise toy? Stick is a surprise reveal toy!

Just peel back the layers andddd . . . .

Oooh, you got a Drag Queen Stick!

That’s not all! There are many STICKS to be found in the mystery rolls! If confused parents would like clue though, Brawny towels tend to have more boys, Sparkle towels more girls, and if you are happy either way Bounty should have you covered!

For those who need a bit more . . . MAN

But what does STICK do, you ask? What does a Barbie do? She sits on her butt until you do something with her! Same with STICK, but there are some suggested activities. Now my counselor whose idea I did not steal for my new invention suggested that you should write a bad thought you have on a sticky note and put it one of the holes. Or shoot it out of the hole. I’m not sure. I’m pretty sure a hole was involved. You can also do it my way.

First Think of a Bad Thought . . .
And smash it! Again and again and again! Wee!

If you enjoy STICK, and I know you will, you’ll want to buy our other STICK products. Like BABY STICK, so you can have a family of Sticks.

Who needs Fisher-Price when you’ve got this, huh?

I sense dissent in the ranks. Why buy STICK, Alice, when you are clearly using paper towels, and gross, toilet paper roll holders as toys? I am NOT. These are special. STICK goes in the toy aisle while the paper towels go in the paper towel aisle. Ask any Walmart employee, and they will inform you that there are often things like paper towels in the toy section. Also hamburger meat. Anyway, fun fact, STICK is recyclable nd environmentally friendly! You can use the wrappings to mop up man size spills (is it wrong that I have a thing for the Brawny man even though I can’t see his whole face?) and both wrappings and toy are biodegradable! It’s simply a win-win for everyone, especially me. I mean YOU!

So go on down to your local store and find your own STICK! You’ll be glad you did!

So many to choose from! We got a new strain of Covid for Christmas! Hurry before they are all gone! Seriously!

I wish to apologize to C.C. for this. Happy Holidays!!!!

-Alice

Blue’s Clues Commentary: Sponsored by Viewers Like You

Back In Blue Alright!

Back in Blue, Alright!

This post is dedicated to Marie, and viewers like her. Thank you!

I haven’t been the most prolific blogger lately, but I recently got a comment on the post “Condiment Sex Ed: Revisiting Blue’s Clues” in which Neil Degrasse Tyson, my readers, and I speculated about sex with condiments. Not people having sex with condiments, but condiments having sex with each other, just to clear that up. I’m not that foul-minded. Anyhoo, famous Astrophysicist Neil asked a Blue’s Clue’s creator how Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper had a baby that talked. That was him, not me, but of course I thought about it too because I think about everything.

This post was a sequel to a post I made as part of a series of reviews of children’s television shows that annoyed me as parent watching with my child. I also feel the need to point out that this post was written in 2014, and that I was not then nor am I now affiliated with any children’s T.V. stations, though I think I could come up with plenty of great preschool show ideas considering a show about talking fingers was successful. “Condiment Sex Ed” was a quite popular post, with amazing thought-provoking ideas in the comments. People still read it today. Like Marie. Marie is not the first person to comment negatively on one on my posts. In fact, I earlier detailed the bizarre number of people who were incredibly upset about my “Dragon Tales” review. I am leaving links for viewers like you (and Marie) to check out if you want to, and not just because I like link dropping.

On to Marie’s Concerned Comment:

It’s a show made for little kids. The aim is not to entertain adults. So I think it’s Wrong for Adults to find details and start turning it into adult material. I guarantee these toddlers aren’t trying to think about how salt and pepper make babies. Or Steve, Joe, and now Josh using slippery soap to wash themselves.

This is a great show that not only entertains little ones, but also educates.

– Marie

Steve and Joe professing their innocence.

There are so many clues to decipher in this comment that I can hardly put my paw print on it. I will, though, because I Learned So Much. Such as:

  • It is Wrong for Adults to make fun of children’s programming no matter how fun it is.
  • Toddlers do not think about how salt and pepper make babies
  • Steve and Joe have yet another brother (I guess?) who is stuck in the Blue house because the others somehow escaped. They better put “Mr. Lock” and “Mrs. Security System” on the job pronto.
  • The soap is called “Slippery Soap”. I repeat “Slippery Soap”, guys.
  • The show is entertaining and educating.

These new facts make me curious, and since this is a show about answering questions, I have several. First, how did Marie find my post? Just googling “Blue’s Clues” or “Blue’s Clues review” gives me nothing. Typing the entire title “Condiment Sex Ed: Revisiting Blue’s Clues” does bring up my name, first thing! I’m proud. I would advise you not to look up “condiment sex ed.” on its own. I wish I hadn’t. My point here, is that the only way I could think of Marie finding my post was either by researching condiments and sex ed. (shame on you, Marie) or by stumbling upon it on a Pinterest board or something, which was how many “concerned citizens” found my Dragon Tales’ post. It’s always good to read something before referencing it. At least read the title. It’s in the title.

“Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.”

Okay, here’s another question. How does she know what toddlers think about salt and pepper and baby making? I raised two toddlers, and I can safely vouch that toddlers have a lot of bizarre ideas. Sesame Street taught my brother that he “could never go down the drain” and then he was afraid of drains. Yay! If toddlers are afraid of drains sucking them down, why wouldn’t they be concerned about living soap? Or wonder about how salt and pepper got paprika? I mention in my post that a friend of Thing Two’s (my youngest child’s name – I am a Good Parent) buried a salt shaker after exposure to Blue’s Clues. So yay for education! A child thought a salt shaker had to be buried! The more you know!

This must be our new guy. Blink twice if you need help, Josh.

I’m not knocking children’s T.V. I was thrilled to have it for my children, especially those shows on P.B.S. that were free. I knew that they might learn something (hopefully not that salt is alive) and that if nothing else, it was safe. New parents do get exposed to this repetitive stuff just like toddlers, at a time when they are already in a repetitive Ground Hog Day of juice delivery and potty-training done often in isolation. They cope however they can. Considering the times we live in now, Marie, maybe you should relax and not get so uptight over someone’s thought on a children’s show. Maybe find a little humor. Or just don’t read my blog.

It’s far too educating and entertaining.

~ Alice

BREAKING NEWS: EVERYTHING IS AWFUL!

According to reporters and randos on the internet, everything is awful. Penguins? Homeless. Kittens? Exploding. Mr. Rogers? Dead. Stay tuned to Catastrophe News for more

MAYBE DON’T WATCH / READ NEWS?

Some stupid blogger named Alice suggested that maybe people should stop watching and reading stories of warring politics and reports of death, disease, and mass destruction because it causes lots of anxiety. Pfft, say we journalists / news anchors.

Alice considers this a challenge and is not watching news or politics for the month of March. Can she do it? We doubt it! Check back soon to see if her mental health is even worse! Everyone in the newsroom is betting yes!

ARE DEAD DOGS VOTING IN ELECTIONS?

According to our source known as “Whiskers” dogs were caught committing voter fraud in the 2020 election. We must ask ourselves: Can we trust Champ Biden?

According to Newsmax, Champ is a very bad “junk yard dog” (see above picture of a dog kind of like Champ) but reporters from MSNBC say he is a good boi and loves everyone. Champ thinks kibble is great. (This was an actual story on both stations for reals).

MEDIA UNSURE HOW TO PROCEED

With our former president gone, a lot of news is now missing. So get ready for a quick summary. Covid Covid Covid. Vaccines. Racists still racist. Covid. Tiger Woods only man to ever have a car accident. Except the ones in these fiery explosions we found from past footage.

Some movie star tweeted something stupid and got fired. Covid. An avalance / earthquake / volcano / hurricane caused the deaths of millions (note to editor: please choose one before printing.)

Would you like to make a payment?

No, actually, I would not, but you, bill collector, seem to want me to since you just sent me this really polite letter.

“Dear Alice,

Our records indicate a past due balance of One Bazillion Dollars, give or take a million. To date, we have not received payment, or heard from you regarding this balance.

(Interesting since I had not heard from them about this balance either, but they seemed to think I had, cause this came next.)

We understand this may be a simple oversight, or you may be experiencing financial difficulties.

(No, because this is the first time I’ve seen this bill for my neck surgery last September, and yes I have financial difficulties especially after this bill, but I highly doubt this is going to let me get out of paying out what is left of my Eleventy Bazillion Dollar surgery, after insurance. Good thing they only fixed one neck disc thingy.)

Please contact us within 15 days of receiving this letter. OR ELSE.

Sincerely,

The Spine Guys”

This letter actually came after this lady from the Spine Guys called me up during Jeopardy, of all things, to inform me of the bazillion dollars I owed them and that I needed to pay it right then or else they would come and reverse the surgery. Or something like that. She wasn’t very nice since she seemed to think I had been ignoring their letters, which I had not since I’m pretty sure I would have remembered that amount. I mean, yeah, I had ignored some other medical bills (they all come separately from each person in the operating room for your convenience), but not a bill to THEM, so jeez. I asked if this was after insurance and she said “Yes, MA’M” which I just love being called, and said I could always pay it the very next day, at my latest appointment where they would x-ray my neck AGAIN to make sure foreign objects were still holding it together properly. I said “Um, cancel that appointment.” Also I asked for a bill I could actually see. So they sent one, and also that letter, in two separate envelopes, a few days ago. I got another one today, just in case.

I like how the doc holds down extra money with his medical equipment while making out your bill personally.

I like how the doctor holds his money under his medical equipment while personally making out my bill.

Now one thing I can say about these jerks, I mean miracle spine fixers, was that they at least came to a payment arrangement without much difficulty when I called them back later. Well, so far it seems okay. I had another payment plan where my bank acted kinda like me when I am not in the mood to pay my medical bill, as they stopped paying the hospital without telling me. I then got a call from the hospital and they asked if I had realized that the money had stopped being drafted from my account. I had not. I notice when money is taken, but not when it stays in the bank. I’m pretty happy when it stays in the bank. So then she offered to let me pay less money since I didn’t pay it on time.

In other words, if you are irresponsible, you get to pay less money. Makes sense.

Another fun thing about medical bills is that even though they really want you to pay them, for some reason they make this payment as difficult as humanly possible. This is partly achieved by not having humans answer the phone when you call with those pesky questions like “Is this bill part of the 100 dollars I was billed earlier, or for something else?” or “What person /place/ thing is this bill for exactly?” or “Who are you, cause I don’t remember ordering a horoscope reading during my surgery?” They make you type numbers into the phone, or worse, they have you speak into the phone to a robot for whom English is a second language. You get nowhere super fast, and soon enough you are right back where you started at the main menu. I mean it would be easier if they just sent you ONE itemized bill with everything you owe, but no, it has to be done in random stages and it’s even better if you’ve been seen for more than one thing recently, as I had with a surgery and depression treatments with the new drug Spravato (ketamine shot up the nose). I need a Spravato treatment after every attempt to PAY for a Spravato treatment.

At least these guys did bill me later, rather than asking for the money up front before I was even allowed to walk into the office, like they did for the MRI I had of my neck. It was the height of Covid season, or people caring anything about it at least, so someone literally came out to our car to bill us 300 dollars, took our card back with them to run it, then came back out again to return the card before telling us to keep waiting in our car until they deigned to let us and our cooties into their office. They didn’t seem to care that I was certain I’d met my deductible, cause I was not getting in there without paying. It’s like some people wait too long to pay their bills or something. Anyway, all that was for the chance to lay in a box for thirty-full minutes while they did construction on the outside of the box. That’s what it sounded like anyway. You’d think by now they could have improved this, but the not-as-excruciating machine costs more, so give me the construction box.

Would you like some claustrophobia?

Several other doctors also demanded payment up front, so eventually my insurance company sent me a refund. Then my insurance company later said “Oh we sent you too much, pay us back pronto.” Like that’s YOUR mistake, not mine, so why should I fix it? They kept mailing me about it, though, so today I tried to pay the forty-five dollars I owed back to them. It did not go well, as the nice foreign robot kept asking me to punch in numbers, then telling me my numbers were wrong, then asking me to do it again with feeling, before I got sent to a live person who informed me they didn’t take payments there. Like what was I thinking, just because the letter told me to call that number? She did give me a website – that was not on the letter – where I was able to pay quickly. I checked my bank online to make sure it went through, and was informed that it was down for maintenance. They were sorry for the inconvenience.

So am I. Maybe I’ll just wait again until they lower my bill. Bad Alice, bad.

~ Alice

2020 Election Results! Oh My God!

I woke up this Election Day morning and rushed out to my living room. I’m not certain what I was expecting to find. Joe Biden tied up under my Christmas tree, wrapped in blue ribbon with a bow shoved in his mouth and a note saying “Courtesy of the Republican Party”? I dunno. I mean, it’s THE DAY, it’s finally here, the day we’ve waited for centuries, though they claim it’s just four years. Hahahahahaha. So you know, something should happen right?

But no, we have to wait. Even though there’s been record turnout for, well ANY voting, but especially for early voting – I mean there were lines for early voting guys – but some people waited for today. I know I was there first thing on early voting day not cause I’m responsible but cause I’m scared as crap and I’m not the only one. The White House just built another wall – around itself. So Trump finally got his wall. Goody for him!

If this day is like Christmas, it’s one of the worst ever. Forget about getting that awesome G.I. Joe ninja, kids. They quit making that kind of figure. But you can have his best bud, Duke, who’s you know – white and old but hey he comes with sanity AND a new girl Joe (these are rare) codename: Diversity It’sabouttime (also comes with her own brain). The set is definitely worth it if you get her, especially if you are a woman who is pissed that it’s been well over 200 years and still no woman president but WHATEVER. So it might not be the day of your dreams, but it could be worse. You could get knock-off Cobra Commander instead, only this one doesn’t wear his mask cause terrorists who want to rule the world don’t have to, and he comes with his trusted friend Destro who does wear his mask, only it just looks more like a human face this time. They come with their own ticking time bomb you can’t shut off! Yay!

I also accessed the Internet looking for election results and I got this crap! Not really, I got very tired media people who look like Frodo dragging himself to Mt. Doom. Even the comedians look like this. Speaking of Lord of the Rings, I just saw former talk show host comedian John Stewart get comforted by talk show host Stephen Colbert with words from Tolkien. These guys are both just short of total mental breakdowns. If you won’t do it for the country, do it for these poor comedians, people. Please vote – like the right way. It shouldn’t be that hard to know who to vote for at this point, but you do you.

10 a.m. central time now and believe it or not, I’ve run out of stuff for now, but I’ll be back (maybe) as results trickle in and our hope in humanity ebbs and wanes.

6 pm Central Time which means it’s 5 pm Eastern time and the polls close in some states at some time which I forget cause they are doing live stuff on youtube and it’s confusing. We just stream, no T.V. for us, so we haven’t been watching people talk all day despite having nothing to talk about yet.

9:31 P.M. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. I may be booking a stay back in the caves, guys.

11:21 P.M. I should be in bed. 205 electorals for Biden to 135 for Trump. Projected. I think. I have no idea what is going on. Neither do the reporters, but they keep going.

11:46 P.M. WTF now it’s 223 Biden, 174 Trump. I wish they would say how many electorals are left somewhere cause we all know popular vote, ya know vote by the people, is meaningless. Oh we may not know some results till Friday. How neat. I love how none of our states agree on how to do this after over 200 years.

12:10 A.M. We just flipped to 209 Trump to 205 Biden – wait this is NBC but New York Times says . . . maybe I should stick with one of them? Or none. None is good. My Things are way smarter than I am and avoiding this in their beds.

9:28 A.M. Still too close to call . . . write in votes left. Of course Trump already declared himself president hours ago. Of course. Head/desk.

5:28 P.M. Roller coaster. Biden now 6 votes away, we’re counting on . . . Nevada? Georgia, Pennsylvania, North Carolina too close. Senate too close. This year. This bloody year . . .

Volcano Go Boom! or It Could Always Be Worse

I know that you all are thinking that with the pandemic, and the fires in California, and brain amoebas, and police brutality and protests in the streets and Donald Trump and murder hornets (did they go back home? Never heard.) and the presidential election that 2020 simply could not get worse. I did too, especially since this was also they year they rearranged my cervical spine and the doctor said “Pssh, it will be no problem. You will feel better in NO TIME.” right before slashing my throat and making me look like a zombie murder victim, but I was wrong, people. I forgot about the volcanoes.

I was trolling Youtube vidoes, looking for something to cheer me up about this horrible year and came upon this video called Why Was 536 A.D. The Worst Year in History and of course I was stupidly curious, and I clicked on it cause what could be worse than now? Krakatoa, that’s what. I’m not just talking about the unfortunate people who were standing anywhere in the 5 billion mile radius or whatever of the big ka-boom, but for the people who didn’t vaporize immediately. You see, Krakatoa’s eruption was so massive it shot straight up into the sky and, I’m not kidding here, blotted out the sun with volcanic dust. For years. This caused a cooling of the Earth, which turns out is as bad as global warming (I forgot to add that to the list earlier), and caused a series of very unfortunate events.

Summer turned to winter in a way that George R.R. Martin could only pretend to imagine, crops failed for years, drought and famine came, fleas went nuts, plague started, Rome and other empires fell, and millions died. Wee. Check out 3.17 in the video as they reconstruct the eruption of Krakatoa for a big kablooey, it’s awesome – I mean terrible. Miles of magma and steam and dust hit the atmosphere like a freaking mushroom cloud and this was not only long before our scientists had figured out how to create this level of destruction themselves, it was also like nearly 1500 years before the birth of Donald Trump. Unbelievable.

This was all brought to you by Volcanologists (no they do not study Vulcans, they study Volcanoes, nerds) and guess what? These scientist guys are studying other volcanoes whose boom date is well overdue. The “grandaddy” is Yellowstone Caldera in Wyoming, that’s right, right here in the old U.S. of A! But that’s not all! There’s also one in California (I know you guys think fire is enough, but sorry) that has noxious gases coming out of the earth as we speak. It didn’t say where in California, just somewhere, so best avoid that state entirely. Don’t go to Italy either. Cause if these volcanoes blow, they could also not only destabilize nearby people, but destabilize other unstable countries, cause we haven’t done that enough with this administration.

The rest of the video talks about how awful it could be if this volcano blew, and the giant environmental catastrophe took over – basically everthing would suck and the world would become a video game. Think apocalypse, but a little slower for it all to happen. Yay! No word on whether the global cooling would balance out global warming, cause I’m thinking that’s a positive possibility. Why all the doom and gloom guys?

So I guess the message of this blog post is to live while you can, travel – oh wait, no, um go party with your friends, er, no, um, stay home and binge Netflix. And wear masks. Watch funny videos and read funny stuff. You might avoid this blog unless, like me, immense global disasters now just make you hang your head back and laugh maniacally. Also, and most importantly, avoid volcanologists; they are a depressing bunch.

~ Alice

alice does speech to text and it goes horribly wrong

Okay, so like I haven’t written lately because I have a problem with my arm. And that, my arm hurts a whole lot because I did something to it. it all started when I thought I was having a heart attack and then things got worse. Right, so I started having pain in my shoulder and squeezing pain in my arm and also my chest was hurting really bad and I thought just not seem like a good thing and maybe perhaps I should go to the doctor. So I went to our local Urgent Care which I thought might mean tear that was urgent, but I  was wrong. no but you can’t backspace in this it just writes backspace. Shiny way I was wrong because we have covid-19 right now, and if you don’t have that the nothing else matters late the incubation. 

what did you just say

No idea.

What the heck did I just write? I have no idea.  anyway why is it not capitalizing? I’m not sure. are you still following me, because I don’t think Google Docs is following me any longer. this may be slightly harder than I thought it was going to be. maybe if I spoke a different language. Wright’s okay if I start a sentence with a word that I’m not supposed to start a sentence with like that is not grammatically correct apparently that does not get capitalized then no. At least I think stop so not stock stop. I meant to say stop. OMG hey I got that one right. Way to go Google Docs good on you! new line no no that’s supposed to go to a new line or new paragraph

king of hearts quote

I’m TRYING.

Why thank you Google Docs. You finally got it right. what on Earth was I talking about? hey why wasn’t what capitalize and in Hawaii wasn’t hey capitalized know why wasn’t hacap like I Hawaii. this is starting to read like something written by one of my treasured internet trolls that does not know the English language. What I meant to say was why wasn’t hey yes capitalized, not anything about the Polynesian Islands. OMG how do paralyzed people  get anything written that makes any sense at all. I wonder what would happen if I tried Spanish. Donde esta el Bano? okay that’s interesting, because Bano means bathroom. there’s no reason to capitalize bathroom unless it’s a very important bathroom. Like maybe the president’s bathroom is capitalized 

 

Hey

 

Work

 

Work

 

UC I and now speaking in text what I was trying to say was that Google Docs did something right and that it started a new paragraph. except each time I said that word it made a new paragraph. Just like saying. Now just like that. tried to say  the punctuation mark at the end of a sentence. Instead it made that Mark. why is Mark capitalized? Who is Mark? Nevermind.

 

So anyway I found out extraordinary news. not about my arm I’m still waiting on the MRI after only two doctors appointments. no the extraordinary news it’s about  E. L. James. did you know she wrote another book? actually she wrote three new books. Well she’s sort of wrote three new books. one of them is a new adventure that is really awful according to reviews though some of these reviews are by people who actually liked the first three books so I’m not sure we should take them seriously. the other two books are told from the point-of-view of Christian Grey. Because we all wanted to get into psychopath head didn’t we? so you know, I’m of course going to have to read this book. why? but weirdly enough as horrible as those last books were it’s sort of what made people read my blog. so maybe if I read this latest pile of greatness, I might get all new fans. are possibly people attacking me because this this book has good reviews on Amazon. On the other hand it also only cost $5 at the moment and what else do I have but time and a non-working arm?

kitty brain bleach

Soooo many other things, says Kitty.

so here I am staring at this book called dot-dot-dot wait for it dot-dot-dot Gray. only it’s gray with an e. yep I has one large eyeball on the cover. I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. don’t worry I haven’t forgotten about Boppo. the evil clown will make return as soon as all parts of me are functioning, or at least some of the parts are functioning. I can’t speak for my brain. so anyway, how are all of you?

Grey creepy cover

Nope, not creeped out AT ALL.

Also oh, I’m sorry for this boat post. I meant to just stay post

 

 Dash Alice. 

A Very Boppo 4th of July!

Ah, Independence Day.  The day we AmeriCANS celebrate our independence from  England, the country that currently has banned us from going back there supposedly because of our killer cooties!  Also on the patriotic irony front, Mexico banned some of our citizens, specifically Arizonans, from going over the border on this holiday weekend.  I think it’s just because they don’t know how to party like we do.

You see, the 4th of July is one of those holidays which combines the joys of  drinking copious amounts of beer and setting explosives on fire!  Cause ‘Merica!  I admit that I personally am not that fond of fireworks or beer, which is probably illegal, and find sitting outside on a summer night and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes just to see some pretty sparkles hardly worth it.  For some people, though, this is the ultimate holiday for proving just how stupid humanity can be, and they are not going to just let that pass by!  Take the idiot in New York who made national news by launching illegal fireworks directly into the window of his own house and taking around ten minutes to realize it.  At which point, he used a water hose.  Of course he did.  God Bless America, my home sweet home.

firework idiot

Click on the link above.  You really have to see it to believe it.

We weren’t having our usual festivities in the park, though my neighbors certainly were until well past midnight, so since I was up I thought I might see how my crazy, evil sim Boppo the clown celebrated Independence Day.  Technically he’s Canadian, but he is always willing to drink and blow stuff up, so he was totally in.  I decided to send him to the beach for his party.  Sims are notoriously stupid, just like real people, so this promised to be a real blast.

07-04-20_11-52-21 PM

Boppo adding fuel to the fire

Boppo started out by purchasing a portable bar and a buttload of fireworks of all shapes and sizes before setting them all around a giant open flame and inviting a bunch of Sims over to play.  Looks legit to me!

07-04-20_11-54-39 PM

Boppo’s pals quickly line up for the free booze.  The lawn gnome watches in anticipation.

07-04-20_11-52-53 PM

Bonfires and fireworks.  Two things that go great together.

07-04-20_11-55-38 PM

Not sure where that toddler came from.  No matter, light ’em up, Boppo!

07-04-20_11-59-10 PM

Crazy clowns light quickly.

07-04-20_11-59-17 PM

Looking a little creepy, er singed there, Boppo.  Maybe a change of clothes . . .

07-05-20_12-10-04 AM

How you doin’? 

Oh no, not the speedo, Boppo, anything but that!  Please put your clothes back on.

07-05-20_12-00-20 AM

Boppo’s not the only one getting a little hot here.  Wait, Boppo, maybe not on deck . . .

07-05-20_12-00-58 AM

Nevermind.

After setting the deck, and himself, on fire Boppo figured it’d be a good time for BBQ.  Cause it’s always a good time for that.

07-05-20_12-02-05 AM

Boppo, I think you forgot the burgers.

And he’s back in the speedo.  Sensitive people shield your eyes, this is way worse than burning Sims.  Speaking of which . . .

07-05-20_12-05-44 AM

We’re getting a lot more deep fried Sims around here. 

The Sims seem awfully okay about getting shot in the faces with fireworks.  Must be the booze.  Good call with the bar, there, Boppo.

07-05-20_12-03-55 AM

Weeee!  Hey, where do these kids keep coming from?

Just realized we haven’t seen the toddler in a while, and now there’s some new kid there.  Everyone is just drawn to Boppo, like moths to a . . . firework.

07-05-20_12-04-15 AM

Boppo’s sim friend smells something burning – oh it’s skin, okay.

Well, all good things must come to an end, and surprisingly this one did not end with the Grim Reeper sipping a tequila.  We can’t always get what we want.  Boppo had a good time, though, and after a shower he decided to do a little dancing with himself.

07-05-20_12-10-54 AM

Or just talking to himself.  He does both.

Happy 4th of July, Boppo, and to all of you as well!  Hope you had as much fun as this crazed clown.  Or less.  Less might be better.

~Alice

 

 

 

The Return of Boppo!

So we’re all in agreement that this year has sucked and most of us are depressed.  So I tried to think of things that make me happy, or that made my readers happy, and then I remembered!  Virtual people!  Specifically torturing virtual computer people in order to vent out frustrations with the real world.  Years ago I wrote posts about Virtual Families, virtual farm animals, and of course, the Sims series, where all your dreams of virtual life (and death) can come true.  These remain some of my most popular posts to this day, so I know I’m not the only sicko.

virtual2

Hey, the house started out this way . . .

My husband once saw that I was down and said, “Hey, Alice, why don’t you go burn a Sim or two?”  He knows me so well.  So I decided to create a pretend person that my readers wouldn’t mind me torturing, like, I dunno, a clown.  Think about it – how many movies come to mind where the clown is a good guy?  That’s what I thought.  Anyway, out of this Boppo Sadface, the evil clown and his trusty poodle companion Wee Wee, were born.  In posts titled “How to Skin a Sim”, I found various ways to kill Boppo including drowning, electrocution, starvation, and my personal favorite, fire.

Boppo smokes in bed

Never smoke in bed, guys.

But that was then and this is now, and I figured Boppo would be more fun as the protagonist.  About a year ago, Thing One and I started trying to revive Boppo.  The original Boppo was created on the Sims 2, and now we have the Sims 4 because the company EA is constantly updating content and their pocketbooks.  So we tried various iterations of Boppo, hoping for one to stick.  First, after the release of the expansion pack “Get To Work”, we were able to build a realistic jail cell for Sims.  No more boring four stone walls full of torture contraptions for us to trap our Sims in!  This was exciting news for us.  Also we could make Boppo a bad clown cop.

02-12-19_9-47-08 PM

Boppo on the job with his voodoo doll.

Like I said, this was a year ago when we started, and real people weren’t trapped in their real houses then, and there weren’t protests against actual police brutality.  To be fair, Boppo doesn’t care what race, gender, orientation, or species someone is, or even if they have a pulse, he hates them all equally.  Still, we decided Boppo should switch jobs.  There are only two other jobs you can go along with your Sim to, and those are doctor and scientist.  While one day I’d love to see Boppo pull strange stuff out of Sims and then try to stuff those things back in, since a lot of people are spending too much time at the doctor’s already, we figured a clown scientist would be safest.  They only have freeze guns.  Boppo still has the prison cell, though, cause even though he’s an evil, insane clown, he knows the importance of stay-at-home orders and social distancing.

03-01-19_10-05-16 PM

Boppo is a master of SCIENCE

06-05-20_1-38-36 PM

Home Sweet Home for Boppo.  Crazy house in the front, jail cells in the back.

06-13-20_8-01-21 PM

Social distancing at its finest.  Literally locking people indoors works wonders.

06-05-20_1-46-55 PM

Can’t forget Boppo’s companion Wee Wee!  Yes, Boppo did spraypaint his name on his dog.  How else would he identify him?

I bet you can’t wait to find out what happens in the telenovela that is the life and times of Boppo the clown!  Don’t worry, we’ve got a story for you, filled with romance, kidnapping, clowns, aliens, insanity, clown hybrids, mermaids, locked up roommates, science experiments gone wrong, and of course, fire and other ways to hit the expiration date.

Hold on to your clown pants, here comes Boppo.  You’re welcome.

~Alice