Okay, so like I haven’t written lately because I have a problem with my arm. And that, my arm hurts a whole lot because I did something to it. it all started when I thought I was having a heart attack and then things got worse. Right, so I started having pain in my shoulder and squeezing pain in my arm and also my chest was hurting really bad and I thought just not seem like a good thing and maybe perhaps I should go to the doctor. So I went to our local Urgent Care which I thought might mean tear that was urgent, but I was wrong. no but you can’t backspace in this it just writes backspace. Shiny way I was wrong because we have covid-19 right now, and if you don’t have that the nothing else matters late the incubation.
What the heck did I just write? I have no idea. anyway why is it not capitalizing? I’m not sure. are you still following me, because I don’t think Google Docs is following me any longer. this may be slightly harder than I thought it was going to be. maybe if I spoke a different language. Wright’s okay if I start a sentence with a word that I’m not supposed to start a sentence with like that is not grammatically correct apparently that does not get capitalized then no. At least I think stop so not stock stop. I meant to say stop. OMG hey I got that one right. Way to go Google Docs good on you! new line no no that’s supposed to go to a new line or new paragraph
Why thank you Google Docs. You finally got it right. what on Earth was I talking about? hey why wasn’t what capitalize and in Hawaii wasn’t hey capitalized know why wasn’t hacap like I Hawaii. this is starting to read like something written by one of my treasured internet trolls that does not know the English language. What I meant to say was why wasn’t hey yes capitalized, not anything about the Polynesian Islands. OMG how do paralyzed people get anything written that makes any sense at all. I wonder what would happen if I tried Spanish. Donde esta el Bano? okay that’s interesting, because Bano means bathroom. there’s no reason to capitalize bathroom unless it’s a very important bathroom. Like maybe the president’s bathroom is capitalized
UC I and now speaking in text what I was trying to say was that Google Docs did something right and that it started a new paragraph. except each time I said that word it made a new paragraph. Just like saying. Now just like that. tried to say the punctuation mark at the end of a sentence. Instead it made that Mark. why is Mark capitalized? Who is Mark? Nevermind.
So anyway I found out extraordinary news. not about my arm I’m still waiting on the MRI after only two doctors appointments. no the extraordinary news it’s about E. L. James. did you know she wrote another book? actually she wrote three new books. Well she’s sort of wrote three new books. one of them is a new adventure that is really awful according to reviews though some of these reviews are by people who actually liked the first three books so I’m not sure we should take them seriously. the other two books are told from the point-of-view of Christian Grey. Because we all wanted to get into psychopath head didn’t we? so you know, I’m of course going to have to read this book. why? but weirdly enough as horrible as those last books were it’s sort of what made people read my blog. so maybe if I read this latest pile of greatness, I might get all new fans. are possibly people attacking me because this this book has good reviews on Amazon. On the other hand it also only cost $5 at the moment and what else do I have but time and a non-working arm?
so here I am staring at this book called dot-dot-dot wait for it dot-dot-dot Gray. only it’s gray with an e. yep I has one large eyeball on the cover. I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. don’t worry I haven’t forgotten about Boppo. the evil clown will make return as soon as all parts of me are functioning, or at least some of the parts are functioning. I can’t speak for my brain. so anyway, how are all of you?
Also oh, I’m sorry for this boat post. I meant to just stay post
Ah, Independence Day. The day we AmeriCANS celebrate our independence from England, the country that currently has banned us from going back there supposedly because of our killer cooties! Also on the patriotic irony front, Mexico banned some of our citizens, specifically Arizonans, from going over the border on this holiday weekend. I think it’s just because they don’t know how to party like we do.
You see, the 4th of July is one of those holidays which combines the joys of drinking copious amounts of beer and setting explosives on fire! Cause ‘Merica! I admit that I personally am not that fond of fireworks or beer, which is probably illegal, and find sitting outside on a summer night and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes just to see some pretty sparkles hardly worth it. For some people, though, this is the ultimate holiday for proving just how stupid humanity can be, and they are not going to just let that pass by! Take the idiot in New York who made national news by launching illegal fireworks directly into the window of his own house and taking around ten minutes to realize it. At which point, he used a water hose. Of course he did. God Bless America, my home sweet home.
We weren’t having our usual festivities in the park, though my neighbors certainly were until well past midnight, so since I was up I thought I might see how my crazy, evil sim Boppo the clown celebrated Independence Day. Technically he’s Canadian, but he is always willing to drink and blow stuff up, so he was totally in. I decided to send him to the beach for his party. Sims are notoriously stupid, just like real people, so this promised to be a real blast.
Boppo started out by purchasing a portable bar and a buttload of fireworks of all shapes and sizes before setting them all around a giant open flame and inviting a bunch of Sims over to play. Looks legit to me!
Oh no, not the speedo, Boppo, anything but that! Please put your clothes back on.
After setting the deck, and himself, on fire Boppo figured it’d be a good time for BBQ. Cause it’s always a good time for that.
And he’s back in the speedo. Sensitive people shield your eyes, this is way worse than burning Sims. Speaking of which . . .
The Sims seem awfully okay about getting shot in the faces with fireworks. Must be the booze. Good call with the bar, there, Boppo.
Just realized we haven’t seen the toddler in a while, and now there’s some new kid there. Everyone is just drawn to Boppo, like moths to a . . . firework.
Well, all good things must come to an end, and surprisingly this one did not end with the Grim Reeper sipping a tequila. We can’t always get what we want. Boppo had a good time, though, and after a shower he decided to do a little dancing with himself.
Happy 4th of July, Boppo, and to all of you as well! Hope you had as much fun as this crazed clown. Or less. Less might be better.
I was listening to the song “Once Upon a December” from the movie Anastasia, when I thought of what was going on now. I know I’ve been away a while, and when I look at my January post of what I planned to do, it all seems a lifetime away. The song “Once Upon a December” is sung by Anastasia, the title character who has lost her memory of life in Russia during the Romanov dynasty. The Don Bluth movie has the villain be Rasputin. In reality, it was mostly the huge class divide between rich and poor that led to revolution, and death, for the guilty and the innocent.
The Romanov royal children and their parents were all shot to death, but the bodies of one daughter and the son were not found until 2007. Before that several women claimed to be Anastasia, but all the bodies were analyzed by DNA, confirming that the Romanov royal family did die in 1918. Anastasia was seventeen. It’s sad, and haunting, and a little too familiar if you look at today’s times, and the great divide between rich and poor that the virus Covid 19 has brought out into the open.
I took the song and added my own lyrics of 2020 to it. I’m not claiming to be any great songwriter, but it was how I was feeling tonight. While I do believe we will get through this time, I do not think we should ever forget it. So I’ll share it with you. Here is a clip of the haunting, but lovely scene from the movie of the grand ballroom full of ghosts.
And this is my version:
Once upon a December
Things I almost remember
And the stuff you could still buy
Once upon a December
My friends hold me safe and warm
People talk in a crowded room
No one needs a mask today
Not in my memory
It wasn’t even long ago
But hope now seems just an ember
Loved ones we used to know
Once upon a December
Doctors are not overwhelmed
People travel without a care
They are not afraid today
Not in my memory
All the shops are still open
Workers still have their jobs
People don’t care to protest
Once upon a December
Not so very long ago
People were not all dying
All of life I used to know
All I yearn to remember
And a virus
Few have heard of . . .
Once upon a December
The Things told me this was mostly depressing. I promise to have something happier next time. Hope you are all safe.
Years ago I wrote a post on the board game Life and how it’s both stupidly unrealistic and uncomfortably realistic at the same time. There’s another version of this game for even lazier people that doesn’t involve the annoying game board and teeny little people pegs that get lost in the carpet. It’s the Life Adventures card game and the Things and I love it.
If you thought the first game was random, this game just spits on that and says “Watch this.” You get four decks of cards, a “Family” deck, a “Wealth” deck, a “Career” deck, and an “Adventure” deck. Just like real life, that’s all there is – a job, money, family, and oh the adventure of making it to the next paycheck! Actually, just like the old game, the Adventure deck has you swimming with dolphins and crap. Big deal. I want important careers and expensive things! And children because they come with points!
Oh, right, I should explain the system a bit better. There’s no deciding whether to get a degree or not, or stopping to buy a house or get married. There’s really no deciding period, it’s just whatever the deck throws at you. So if you happen to draw one of the wedding cards, boom, you just got married. As it was in the old game, it doesn’t matter if you wanted a wedding or not, you got one. Suck it up. You can avoid the wedding if you simply avoid the Family deck altogether though, but you’re really missing great opportunities for advancement and hilarity.
There is no money in this game, but don’t worry, it’s still pure capitalism. Each card you receive has a number of points on it, depending on its value. So like getting one child gives you 20 points, but triplets nets you 60 points! You can get an igloo (and be happy about it!) for 40 points, but we all want the castle because it’s worth 90 points, and also because it’s a castle and so much better than that igloo that’s melting cause it’s in Texas.
In the old game you were stuck with one job unless you had a midlife crisis. You still get those here, but you don’t have to in order to have as many jobs as you like. You can be a rocket scientist, a rock star, and an exotic zoo veterinarian all at the same time. You’d better have multiple careers, though, cause while you can have as many jobs as you want, you only get three paydays per job, and each of those is 20 points. You can get 20 points just for popping out a baby! Thank goodness this is just a game, and no one works multiple jobs or has babies for money. Talk about silly!
But you’re probably wondering, don’t you need a degree for some of those jobs, Alice? Right you are! Some cards are not playable until you have another card first. So if you want to be a rocket scientist, you have to draw a degree card first. Just one, though, so whew about those pesky doctorates. Just one degree qualifies you for every job with a degree, but some jobs don’t require one at all like rock star and President. I’m just joking, there’s no President card. There is a politician one, though, and it comes with mega points, but you like need a degree? Far out.
You also need a boat (a bathtub will do) to sail solo around the world, or a plane (private jet please) to do the loop de loop, but you can go to the moon without a spaceship no probs. Also no home improvements without a house, though you can go through the whole game with no home if you want. Just wait, though, cause I haven’t gotten to Life’s version of Chance cards yet, and that’s where things get interesting.
You get to sue people, naturally, for any card with 30 points from their life story. This could be bad if, say, all they have is a house worth at least 30 points. Or a family shark. Or a kid. If you don’t like your job, you can just swap it with someone else’s. I know I certainly wanted to swap my job with Kim Kardashian’s. You donate to charity in this game, which is great, only you are making someone else donate to charity by force. Sort of like what happened to Bill Gates when he tried to keep all his goodies to himself and social media got madfaced. You can just directly take someone’s house, though you do have to give them one in return – the igloo for the castle trade, for instance. And did I mention children?
Yeah, like everything else, those little brats are commodities. There is more than one card where you can “adopt” a child or “find a long-lost relative” and just take someone’s child away. I used to think that was called “kidnapping” but apparently I was mistaken! You can also just have a midlife crisis and swap all the cards in your hand with another player. Doesn’t matter what cards are in their hand. I bet they were saving that lawsuit and castle and set of twins weren’t they? Too bad. It’s so funny when a family member screams “Don’t take my babies!”
Since this game gets a little cutthroat (it encourages us, what do you want?), the Things and I decided to make it even more fun by playing as fictional characters. Last time we went Star Wars and I played as Jar Jar Binks complete with “Meesa this” etc. that never, ever got old. Try imagining Jar Jar getting married, or worse, reproducing. I figured that was a bit over his head, so I just had him thinking hand shaking made the babies, while his Sith wife had kids with various Dark Side guys. This led into questions of “just how hard did she shake his hand” etc., as Han Solo (Thing Two) and C-3P0 (Thing One) plotted to murder me. You’ll be happy to know that we are a progressive family, so C-3PO got to marry R2-D2 at last and together they, er, built BB-8. At least it wasn’t as ridiculous as the time I played the Emperor and married and had kids – I mean who would marry that guy, am I right?
But in the end, Life’s just a game, isn’t it? You have your ups and downs, days when you are furious at your messy igloo, and days when people adopt your children from you. Que sera, sera!
Hindsight’s 2019, and on to 2020. Boy am I glad to have 2019 in hindsight, cause it really belongs there with the exception of my new depression treatment. A lot of stupid stuff went on in 2019, and there was a lot out of my control, but also a few things I could have controlled a little better. Like I could have used better coping skills with this mad, mad world, which I’m about to address.
Last year I started watching some No-Buy videos on Youtube and reading some articles on Google. A No-Buy month, year, etc. is just what it sounds like – you don’t buy stuff for a certain amount of time. I am very aware that there are people who go on these no buy larks out of pure necessity, and I have been there myself. But most people have at least some disposable income (or take it from another category like coffee for clothing) even if they don’t have money for much else, and that’s what I’m talking about here.
At the current time, only my husband works outside of the home. I was worried for quite a while how we would make it, but ironically with our lovely system, so much was taken out of my check before by the government which then said we had to pay more taxes because we made more money (including the money they were taking out, not what we were taking home) so – it hasn’t made as much of a difference as I thought it would. In some ways, such as Thing One’s college tuition, it actually saved us money because now they consider us as poor as we were back when I worked, and the grants combined with scholarships for her grades paid for both her first and what looks like her second semester’s tuition. And we did that without Bernie paying for college, though he is certainly still welcome to do it.
Many of the people whose No Buy reports interested me had way too much makeup. There’s even an entire Reddit about this. I don’t have a problem with makeup. I don’t wear it that often now that I’m not working (and I stopped a while before then even). The only time I’ve bought much makeup was when they had a special Disney line of it. Which leads to the problem – Disney. I collect Disney dolls, especially limited edition ones which are, of course, more expensive. My mother collected dolls when I was younger, but I got onto the Disney kick while I was working in order to reward myself. My Things also have their share of dolls, as you know if you’ve read my blog very long and seen us create strange posts with them.
I am not ashamed of my dolls; I enjoy them. Everyone has something they collect, whether it’s car parts (my husband), or makeup, or baseball cards, or cell phones (you don’t need a brand new 1,000 dollar Apple phone each year sorry), etc. etc. I often collect when the thing represents something that matters to me, because I like to see, hear, and touch. I’m horrible at museums. Anyway, Disney movies matter since they all have messages (besides make me more money). I also got into collecting Game of Thrones last year since I really enjoyed the story of Daenerys – at least until that last season but moving on. I got into buying those figures too, and then into the world of Funko Pops.
Be afraid. There’s one of them for everyone, I don’t care who you are.
Since recently paying off our car, our only debt is our mortgage and medical bills. So I’m not using credit cards (we don’t own one) to finance my problem. I have dipped into our savings, though, which is not very big and consists mostly of what we got from our last tax return. We’ve been fortunate in that people like our church and family have aided with some of the bigger bills such as the dental one (I hate teeth). I’ve found that buying dolls and collectibles often comes up when I’m stressed, or sad, and gives me that brief rush – only to make me feel bad later. You see I have plenty of dolls at this point. I even sold some last year, and I intend on selling more collectibles this year.
But I’m hoping to first stop buying so many of the fancy Disney dolls. One thing that has helped me is to learn more about the psychology of shopping. It’s pretty creepy what advertisers do to lure you in, and we think we’re too smart for it, but fall for it every time. I’ve followed a youtuber who has some interesting videos, and read some books as well. I would like to spend this year enjoying what I have, decluttering my house of what I don’t, and just finding healthier habits than online shopping (which is how I buy most things I don’t need.). With what I save, I hope to put money in savings, pay off bills, and buy other things that would be nice like frames for art (the Things are good artists). My walls are rather bare and depressing at the moment.
So I’ve made some plans for the next year.
Health: Be healthier overall: keep up with mental health care and other doctor appointments (like asthma etc), more exercise, actual meal plans, better self care, and losing some weight.
Financial: Less spending on dolls and collectibles, fountain drinks, and meals out. More saving, paying off bills, improving my environment, and my self confidence (more flattering clothes, learning new stuff).
Environment: Clear out clutter, clean (and learn more about how to clean properly)
Listing them as somewhat vague yearly resolutions freaked me out, so I will divide them into months.
Month One: January
Health: 1. Continue my mental health treatment (post on that coming up) 2.Walk more – I need a specific number of steps each day. I’m still recovering from first a sinus infection, and then the antibiotics that made me sicker. But I did spend some Christmas money on a new tracker (gadgets!) which is coming on Friday. Exercise is supposed to be good for body and mind, or so they say. I’ll find out. 4. Write more. Writing is fun, and I like communicating with you guys.
Financial: 1.No spending on dolls and collectibles. 2. Fewer fountain drinks: I’ve mostly drinking the little 8 oz cans of cola rather than getting the drinks from the drive-through. This goes with health too, come to think of it. 3. Get a bill paying system together.
Environment: Work on my bedroom the most, especially my desk and bedside table drawers. Cleaning out my desk will help give me a place for keeping track of bills.
I’m not sure how this is going to work. I’ve already experienced the setback of being sick, so at least I’m prepared for that. As the year progresses, hopefully I can keep up with my goals. One thing that helps is not depriving yourself, which is why I’m not cutting out all pleasures (still have coke for instance). It also helps to have someone to keep you accountable, so I have a couple of friends, my Things, and now you guys.
Do any of you have resolutions or goals for this year?
Now that my depression has lifted for however long, I have lots of plans. I have more energy to do the plans. I have resolutions, like not drinking so much cola, and losing weight (because it’s healthy, not to look like I’m 20 – as Mamie said to Scarlett O’hara – “You done had a baby. You ain’t never wearing that again.” Or something to that effect; I’m not looking it up.) I also want to write more about esketamine nasal treatments, the history, and a personal account of what it’s like. Well, kind of – it’s a little hard to describe. But I couldn’t find much when I looked, so it’s better than nothing. I also wanted to clean, clean, clean cause I have a lot of that to do. So much. And Marie Kondo won’t return my calls so it’s up to me.
But then this morning I couldn’t get myself to move. It was like, I’m awake, I got motivation, but my body isn’t moving. That’s odd. Then I had this genius idea of getting those tiny coke cans that are actually 8 oz (I can’t believe that’s 8 oz cause I have gotten used to 32 oz and 8 oz is like a drink from the water fountain) and there was this sale, but you had to buy four six packs. I was okay with this because I had plans to label them so that my husband would not whine that he didn’t get some, and that I could know which ones were mine and could like wean myself off of them. I think that was the idea. So the Things and I went to the grocery store and we got this but then we also got a few other things like pizza for tonight (it’s low calorie pizza no not really shut up) and then we checked out but I didn’t get the special exactly cause it was 3 for one and not 4 for one. I think. Whatever.
So then we went to McDonald’s for fountain drinks because I don’t have much ice at home (MY first world problem) and the others weren’t cold and I haven’t started my resolution yet why are you looking at me??? Then I paid and I started to drive away without picking up my drinks until the Things pointed it out, so I went back through the drive-through but they were nice and stuff and didn’t point out my stupid. Thanks, McD’s. Anyway at some point during this I was like, huh, my chest really hurts. I mean sure I had been coughing up great gobs of green goo, but that’s not unusual (sorry for the description there), so it hadn’t occurred to me that I could be sick. Just garden variety sick – or at least my garden variety. Wow.
I’m not sure how to explain how odd it is to be relieved that you are sick. But it meant I wasn’t sad again, and that I could later lay down and that was fine. But I wanted peeps to know I wasn’t disappearing because I was sad again. I’m okay. It’s just mucus. Be back soon.
So it’s finally Christmas Day, and there is much to be thankful for – like that this day will soon be over and eventually your extended family will be gone. Here’s hoping you get into one of those fantastic political conversations that always go so well! Just think positive: Unless you are in a couple of states, it really doesn’t matter what you think or how you vote anyway!
Why am I so relaxed about this? Well, part of it is called Esketamine. It’s a nasal spray. Yes, that’s right, something I snorted into my sinuses has made not only made me happier but more relaxed than I have been in – EVER pretty much. I have always worried, since I was a little girl, and my body has been in permanent fight or flight mode for so long I thought that was how it was. Because while I hadn’t been as sad and stressed as I was when I was working full time, I wasn’t – well anything much. I was still a Mom, yes, but that was about all I could do. I slowly got worse and worse until I didn’t go out. I didn’t take basic care of myself. My house looks like a bomb went off filled with someone else’s crap, cause surely I didn’t buy this? So – I was thinking maybe there might be something more to life than this.
And so I tried the new treatment. And it was like getting glasses for the first time, and realizing I was supposed to see leaves on the trees.
Did you know the leaves are incredibly beautiful? I mean not when they’re swept into the gutter and filled with gunk, but before that. Listening to Christmas hymns about the birth of new life and hope now fills my formerly anxiety ridden chest with air that expands into ever rising joy. Stuff that used to worry me – like my in-laws on the holidays and how they don’t show up on time and you don’t know who is coming and they talk about how big their guns are (it takes two hands to hold that sucker up! Big Gun! Gun Big!), just floated off of my back this time. I learned the secret, gals. Be like men. Doze off in a chair. It’s amazing how effective that is. I even got offered a bed by my step-mother-in-law later.
That’s not all either. You see, last year we lost several Christmas ornaments when our shed got blown over and all those carefully collected ornaments from years past got rain damage. So I put the ornaments in labeled boxes in our craft closet to keep them safe. But then about a week before Christmas it occurred to us that maybe we should put up some decorations or something and we couldn’t find the tree, which is kinda the most important part. After a search of the house, it was still in the shed, only this time it didn’t get rained on – unless you count golden showers. As in the kind that come from tom cats marking their territory.
Those cats claimed that tree like no one’s business. My husband still brought it in because he’s a guy, and well, he got us a tree didn’t he? Problem solved! Except it still smelled of cat pee. Thing One tried the Lysol trick, but Lysol is no much for tom cat on fake pine. I was not going to put ornaments on that thing, so I mentioned to my parents that hey, our tree got peed on by cats. Can we borrow one of yours? Now my husband is normally dangerously laid back, but for some reason he decided this was the time to put his foot down and say that we were fine, and did not need another tree. Why we loved our pee pee tree; it was OURs.
Again, normally this whole thing would have me much more upset but since I am better (this is Alice on “better”) the first thing I thought of was how I could take that old classic “Oh Christmas Tree” and turn it into “Oh Pee Pee Tree, how smelly are your branches!” And then I could write a post about it. Because who doesn’t think of cat urine when celebrating the holidays?
I was getting tired of the smell though, cause did I mention we also got two more turtles, making the total up to three turtles? No? Well, yeah there are three turtles. And a leopard gecko. I thought that was enough animal for our house without adding another special smell, so finally husband dear agreed to let my parents give us a small 3 foot tree which was just fine with me cause it’d take up much less space. My brave Thing Two took out the smelly tree to the garbage where maybe it will make a home for more alley cats. Reuse, recycle I always say.
Then today a six-foot-tall package showed up from Fed Ex. There was no return address. We were starting to think maybe this strange gift was from Santa, before I realized that the six foot tall box must be the gift my friend of over 30 years, Ravin, mentioned sending to the kids. Turns out I told a lot of people about the pee pee tree, and so in the spirit of the holidays, my old pal sent us a full sized tree. What a way to end a story.
Except not entirely. I still have several treatments to go of the Esketamine, and am staying cautiously optimistic about the effects (as well as the bill), but so far it has worked a real Christmas miracle on me. Since many people may want to know more, I plan on other posts telling about my adventures with unusual uses of anesthesia. I also, for the first time in a while, have plans and resolutions for the next year I hope to write about, saying we don’t get bombed by North Korea or whatever. But this was a Christmas story, so I think I’ll end it here.
Happy Holidays and a Pee Pee Free New Year!
A lot has happened in the past few months. Or maybe just the last few weeks, but at any rate, I feel much better now thanks to a gift I’ll talk about in a future post (it’s not the pee pee tree, though you’ll get more info on that as well! Cheers!). Right now, though, the clock is ticking and it’s just five days till Christmas, so you might want to think about buying something that isn’t from 7-11 for your family this year.
If you’d like to get a little something for me, maybe think about a keyboard that hasn’t had coke spilled on it. Thanks to someone’s cola addiction the “y” ke, which turns out is a ver important letter, makes it difficult to tyyyyyyyyyyyyyyype normallyyy. But enough ado, now for myyy list of top 5 Christmas gifts for your little brat! Btw, I made sure these all came from Amazon, since Santa is letting Bezos deliver now that he owns half the planet.
5. Obligatory Frightening Olaf
In honor of Frozen II and the merchandising genius of Disneyyyy, who owns the other half of the planet, I present Lego Olaf.
Lego does pretty well with buildings, but creating a person, animal or in this case, snowman, doesn’t work so well. Seeing this pop up caused both Thing One and I a jump scare, and we saw the whole movie (Frozen II: Freeze Harder). It gets worse, though. Check out the other wayyys to assemble Olaf.
Personally I’d just leave this guyyy unassembled.
Lots of good things come on sticks, like corndogs, cotton candy, carrots, etc. Then there are these guys.
You can’t tell from the picture, but these guys are basically plungers with mouths that kids operate with a knob so it looks like they are talking. I love how the description above reads “Perfect for family announcements.” Really? What announcement would you want to make with puppets, especially these puppets?
Just think how useful these puppets could be in the Presidential debates! Candidates could hide behind their podiums and continue to puppet the same tired talking points, but this way they could get in some Punch and Judy action too. Ratings would surely go up.
3. Stuffed Composers
Anyone remember the Baby Einstein stuff from the 1990s and early 2000s that had parents thinking they could make their babies smarter by playing them classical music? And how that was a load of crap? Guess what?
They’re back! It’s not just the Mozart effect this time, though. You can get a Ludwig Von Beethoven bear or even a Fryderyk Chopin (rolls off the tongue) bear! Finally, now babies will quit begging to hear more Fryderyk! You know how sometimes babies cry but nothing seems to satisfy them? It’s because you didn’t get them a composer bear, you jerk. There’s nothing like having a stuffed animal do your parenting for you!
2. Baby Shark Baby
Shark, Shark, Baby. Okay maybe I was a bit harsh on the composer bears. At least their music doesn’t stick in your head like the popular Baby Shark song “Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Dee Doo BABY SHAAAAARRRRRRK!” What could be more annoying? Pairing it with a Baby Alive doll of course!
What’s most fun about this doll though is that it is an even bigger liar than the composer bears. This doll does not sing Baby Shark. It also cannot go in water, according the instructions reviewers received along with their doll. This is in spite of both Amazon saying up above that it is great for “splashy water play fun!” and the picture showing the doll in water. Whoops.
- Baby-Go-Puke Doll
I realize the last two selections have been baby dolls, but I think these are the most messed up dolls they make. Who could forget the doll from yesteryear’s Christmas list that could poop charms? I know I can’t, though I still try.
On the plus side, this doll definitely does stuff, so parents shouldn’t be disappointed.
Lots of kids like to play doctor (no, not like that, sicko). This doll takes that above and beyond the realm of normal. No, she doesn’t actually projectile vomit (I always thought adding that to the Betsy Wetsy doll would make it more realistic) but she does have multiple ailments your child must quickly fix in order to stop it from crying a very lifelike cry, which is documented as one of the most stressful sounds on earth. And just like with real babies, you have no idea what problem the doll has until you try everything, which in this case can be up to seven different problems. Fun!
So there’s your list of go-to toys for the holiday season! Hurry up and order, and if you can, address these toys directly to the parents’ addresses. One reviewer reported that the last doll sounded like “mating cats” in the box, so unless you’re into that kind of thing, best to not even have it in the house.
Merry Christmas! And may your familyyyyy be forgiving!
Teeth. Remember when teeth were cool? Like they’d fall out of your mouth, but this was a normal thing for them to do, and people even paid you to lose them? Well, after a while this stops, and suddenly you are supposed to keep your teeth, unless they are wisdom teeth in which case they usually have to come out because these teeth are so smart they often grow in sideways.
Other teeth are supposed to stay in, but they are really a big pain in the . . . mouth. I mean sure they help you chew up food and make you smile all pretty if you put lots of enamel eroding whitening on them, but otherwise they just kind of suck. So people try to ignore them as much as possible until they can’t any longer because either they have pain or their dentist makes them have lots of x-rays so he can find tiny little cavities that he can fix so that he can pay off his student loans faster er so that they don’t become big cavities, which if you remember, make holes in teeth.
So I waited a year or two and finally figured, why not, I’ll go to the dentist for a cleaning. I mean once I waited five years to go and had two children during that time (There was an old saying during the good old days before plumbing that you lost a tooth for every kid you had! Cool!) I had five cavities instead of two, but that was better than two cavities and five kids, and hey, still only one cavity per year. Not bad. This was not the case this time. This time, oh no, they found eight cavities.
I do love being an overachiever. They asked me if I brushed and flossed regularly. Well, dental assistant, you are looking in my mouth, so what do you think? Probably not. I had other things to do, like killing Sims. I mean who really thinks teeth are that important? Certainly not insurance companies. Most jobs give you access to health care, but that doesn’t include teeth cause, pfft, who needs ’em? We just have them so dentists have something to do after studying mouths for so long, right?
So they were very insistent that I should get these teeth fixed, and they showed me a bill and I was like well if I don’t pay my mortgage or, you know, eat, then sure I should be able to handle this in a few months, easy-peasy. I asked if I could pay it out, since I’ve done that with every other doctor, and I’ve gone to this dentist since I had teeth, so they totally trusted me on that. I’m just kidding. The totally understanding and not at all bitchy receptionists said I had to go with another company who would let me take out a tooth loan (this is where the tooth fairy went after that pink slip I bet) and pay off my bill that way. In a few months. Or face lots of interest. Medical bills are one of the few debts they can’t charge interest on, but teeth aren’t medical so fair game!
Since leaving my job by request two years ago, we’ve been on one income and disability payments. Luckily, I have very little pride left so I asked the church for some help and they offered. Thanks, Jesus. Of course the receptionists still don’t trust the church to pay it all off so they keep asking me when they will pay. It’s a nice little chat we have each time. I took my kids to this dentist too, and by some miracle Thing One had no cavities. She’s no more responsible tooth-wise than I am, so I’m thinking she has enamel of steel. Thing Two was not so lucky, so she had a few cavities. Still, no one could beat Mommy. I do love to be a good role model, give them something to aspire to and all that.
No offense to dentists, but I have some problems with your techniques. I mean there’s a problem with my tooth hurting, right, so your solution is to take a drill to it. There has to be a better way to go about this by now. I mean sure they pump me up with enough anesthetic that I am actually shaking, but it’s still kinda disconcerting. I’d get the happy gas, but that costs forty-two dollars each time. I can get better drugs way cheaper. I mean my, er, neighbor could. So there’s this brrrrr noise as they drill out the rot in your tooth so that they can fill it with other stuff that must be made of unicorn dust cause it costs a lot.
Though it’s not as much as a crown! Now I have always wanted a crown because being a princess sounds grand and I’m sure I have at least as many qualifications as England’s royal family. But this crown goes on your tooth, and for the price you pay I’d like it made of solid gold and actually shaped like a real crown, only one that goes around your tooth. It’s not, though, it’s boring yet insanely expensive, so the dentist highly recommended it. But first, a root canal. I was totally stoked about that one, since it was going to cost 2,000 all on its own before I got to the crown. Also it had the words “root” and “canal” and involved my mouth.
Lucky for me, when I went to this other dentist (the dentists have like a coven and I had to go to a special one for the canal o’ love) he said my tooth was too far gone so I should have it pulled. By another dentist. They are loyal to the coven. So I went to yet another dentist and this one was all “Hey, no big deal, you will like never even miss this tooth” but hello, I liked that tooth. We’d been together a while, and the other teeth were sure to miss it even if it was a back tooth, so I won’t look like Buckwheat. The dental assistant seemed to think I was nervous since I was whiter than usual which is super duper teeth-whitening white here, but hey, no sweat until he numbed my mouth and that hurt so I yelled and he warned me not to scare people. I mean talk about rude of me. Then he yanked out the tooth – but you know slowly and jerkily and stuff so it didn’t freak me out at all.
On the plus side, it only cost 300 dollars for them to remove the tooth versus the canal thing, so yippee! Then one of my fillings broke, so guess what you will never guess? I still get a crown! But later, as I’m putting that off as he already fixed the tooth good enough for me. His mistake!
I have learned my lesson, though, folks. Take good care of your teeth. Brush and floss every day, unless your teeth are super close together because your parents made you wear braces, in which case you will probably pull your fillings out that way (as I just did a second time) so maybe you’re just screwed.
This PSA brought to you by Alice and Munchers, the delightful short full of talking teeth, satanic cavity creeps, and lots of hallucinogenic drugs. I might have shown it before, but it is definitely worth another view, with the help of Josh Way’s commentary. Enjoy!
Your tooth fairy from Hades,