Category Archives: Weekly Horoscope

Weekly Horoscope is Back!

That’s right, folks!  Recently my psychic abilities have returned to me after fleeing in terror during my coverage of 50 Shades.  Now that they’re back, I feel I should use my powers of prophecy to predict your fortune this week.  Sure the week is technically almost over, but now you can know what you should have done earlier.  I’m helpful that way.

Anyway, I figured I would once again divine your fortune from the wrappers of Dove candies.  They work even better than tea leaves.  No guesswork.  Plus I’ve yet to get the Death sign from one of these things, so you’re probably safe.   It was a sacrifice, scarfing 12 candies from the candy bowl on my coworker’s desk, but there is nothing I won’t do for my loyal readers – not when their past future is at stake!

Predicting the future one chocolate at a time.

Predicting the future one chocolate at a time.

Since I’m the psychic, I have helpfully translated these complex riddles for you.

Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19

Dove candy wrapper say: It’s definitely a bubble bath day

Alice say: What if you don’t have any bubble bath? Or a tub?  Well, you’re screwed, that’s what. 

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20

Dove candy wrapper say: You already look gorgeous, gorgeous

Alice say: Dove candy is sincere.  They would never suck up to you suckily.

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Be good to yourself today

Alice say: Eat more chocolate.  Then get on the scale and blame Dove.

You suck, Dove.

You suck, Dove.

Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Escape for a moment

Alice say: We’ll let you out of the pen for fifteen minutes, then back in ya go!

Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22

Dove candy wrapper say: You worked hard – promise yourself an award.

Alice say: Promise yourself an Emmy.  Wait for results.

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22

Dove candy wrapper say: You’re invited to relax today

Alice say: Take some tranquilizers.

If that doesn't work, try the library.

If that doesn’t work, try the library.

Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Unwrap, Breathe, Enjoy

Alice say: In that order.  Better get some candy, stat.

Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21

Dove candy wrapper say: Tempt your sense of exploration

Alice say: Really explore that sense.  Everywhere.  Try using a brush.

Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21

Dove candy wrapper say: Discover yourself

Alice say: Be like Christopher Columbus, if you know what I mean, wink, wink.

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19

Dove candy wrapper say: Your smile is your best accessory

Alice say: Who needs clothes?  Not when you’re exploring and discovering yourself, you don’t!

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18

Dove candy wrapper say: Buy flowers for yourself

Alice say:  You also don’t need a significant other.  See fortunes above.

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Dance with your heart

Alice say:  Do not attempt without a skilled physician present.

Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week!

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Alice Goes On Vacation

Never fear, reader, I will not be gone for long.  I’m thinking a weekend.  And I’m not going anywhere.  I just had this crazy idea that maybe I should, you know, maybe not sit in front of the computer 24 hours a day every day.  Probably two days away is my limit.  If I can handle that.  Of course I can handle that.  It’s not as if I have some sort of a problem or anything.

I am not. I can quit anytime. SHUT UP.

Anyhoo, I will be back fresh Monday morning with – TA-DA – the answer to your prayers or nightmares, whichever, the new recaps of 5o Shades Episode III: Return of the Jerkoffs.  It’s going to be full of exciting shit, people, because I’m sending James back to school and grading her chapters like papers (I have English teacher experience here) and this is just a guess, but I’m thinking she’s not going to do so well.  But that’s not all!  There will also be a contest and quizzes too!  I bet you just had tiny orgasms didn’t you?  Just me?  Eh.

You are SO going down, E.L.

I also hope to get back to the weekly horoscope readings next Friday, because I know you have all been bereft without the benefit of my psychic abilities.  How else are you going to figure out you totally screwed up last week without my help?  You’re welcome. 

Miss me?

But wait, there’s MORE.  I’ll also have other idiot posts, like one with all the interesting and not at all disturbing search words people used to find my blog.  And, and, it’s just going to be so great you’re going to wet yourselves in anticipation. 

So I bid you adieu (see, I am totally Le French) until Monday.  Provided they have not put me in a straightjacket. 

Love and kisses and crap,

Alice

Your Weekly Horoscope (Sept 17-21)

Welcome back!  It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today.   Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past. 

These guys are pretty freaking looking aren’t they?

This week, I have decided to divine fortunes based on the prophecies fortold within the wrappers of Dove candies.  This could not have been accomplished without the unwitting help of my coworker’s candy dish.  I managed to steal 12 candies from that desk.  How?  Here’s how.

This little guy comes in very handy.

Since some of these fortunes are needlessly complicated, I have added my expert commentary to each one.

Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19

Dove candy wrapper say: Now, time for chocolate relaxation.

Alice say: How exactly do you relax chocolate?  Melt it?  Give it a drink with one of those little umbrellas?

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20   

Dove candy wrapper say: Treat yourself today

Alice say: Eat something better than a Dove candy.  Like 12 Dove candies.  For a good cause.

I just ate a Dove chocolate and am suddenly relaxed omg it is a miracle did they start putting sedatives in these?

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Do all things with love

Alice say: All things?  Like hail a taxi?  How do you do that with love? 

 Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Be the first to hit the dance floor

Alice say: Faceplant in front of everybody.  You’ll make an impression.  (Do you get it?  Do you?)

Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Open your eyes to all the love around you.

Alice say: My eyes are open, Dove candy.  All I see is laundry.

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22

Dove candy wrapper say: Be the first to hit the dance floor

Alice say: Dove candy fortune writers are super original.  I think E.L. James writes them.

Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22

Dove candy wrapper say: You should charge for your great advice

Alice say: Don’t worry about degrees.  Just throw “Dr.” in front of your name and you’re golden.

Advice with a side of snark comin’ up.

Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21

Dove candy wrapper say: The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.

Alice say: The more Alice asks for bling, the more bling her readers give her.

Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21

Dove candy wrapper say: Ignite your sense of adventure

Alice say: Don’t ignite your adventure around flammable objects.

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19

Dove candy wrapper say: You know what?  You look good in red.  

Alice say: Dove candy wrapper says you can eat more candy.  You’ll still look good.  Trust them.

Because Santa is hot, yo.

                

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18

Dove candy wrapper say: Chocolate therapy is “Oh, so good.”

Alice say: Heck with psychiatry.  Just eat chocolate.  And then become a Scientologist.

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20

Dove candy wrapper say: Stir your sense of pleasure

Alice say: Alice is not going to touch that one. 

Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week! 

Your Weekly Horoscope (Sept 10-14)

Welcome back!  It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today.   Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past. 

Note: Certain bloggers may find their horoscopes especially helpful this week. 

Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19

Finances will take a downward turn when your new business, Monkey Bums R Us, is shut down by PETA.  Tough break. 

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20   

The moon in the fourth quarter indicates that your favorite football team will

You find a lot of bozos on those dating sites.

be run over by bulls.

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20

Expect romance when a Canadian clown and some other guy answer your dating ad as the same person. 

 Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22

An 80s flashback will cement the theme song to “The Facts of Life” into your

Tootie!

head, forcing you to don legwarmers and take to your waterbed while clutching your Cabbage Patch Doll. 

Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22

A visit from the stork will bring you more mouths to feed.  I hope you know what four baby storks like to eat. 

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22

You will have a rich, full life in spite of your strange addiction to balloon animals.

Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22

The scales will not be in your favor when you gain 500 pounds overnight.  Stop eating at Ruby Tuesday’s. 

Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21

Your home town will be taken over by a hoard of 50 Shades of Grey zombie readers.  Run while you can!

Sad, sad pony

Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21

Was that pony in your burger?  Nah, I’m sure it was lunchmeat, love. 

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19

Jupiter aligns with Mars and the floor aligns with your face.  Weebles wobble, but you fall down. 

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18

That was 8 glasses of water a day, not 80.  I hope you’re wearing Depends.

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20

Evil mutant dogfish will continue to dog on you, Pisces.  I hope you can tread water.

Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week!  Because you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have – a bunch of crap.  Or something.

Your Weekly Horoscope (Sept 3– Sept 7)

Welcome back!  It’s time for this past week’s horoscope, today.   Because the future can’t be rushed once it’s in the past. 

Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19

Expect successful business dealings this week, but remember compromise comes at a price.  It will be a while before Satan collects, though, so have fun!

No, really dude, trust me on this one.

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20   

Good thing you’re patient, cause you’re going to be waiting on that promotion for a loooong time.

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20

You are getting a bad reputation lately.  Do you know where your evil twin is?

 Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22

Your week will be full of suck.  Why did you get out of bed?

Didn’t we pass that moon five minutes ago?

Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22

The position of the Enterprise in the Delta Quadrant indicates that you will get seriously lost.  Try not to lead any friends along with you or they will hate you.  What am I saying?  They already hate you.

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22

The moon tells me you don’t deserve to be called a Virgo, you Jezebel.  Yes, we all know about that.

Libra (The Scales): September 23 – October 22

The position of Batman in the Fifth Movie indicates you will wear your underwear outside your pants, don a cape, and attempt to fly around your office.  There may be a new job in your future.

Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21

Avoid spiders.  Especially radioactive ones.

No touchy glowing spiders

Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21

When the reality show Storage Wars crosses with Bachelor Pad, you will find the contestants on Bachelor Pad stored away in vaults.  A new viewing pleasure is on your horizon.

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19

All signs indicate that after November’s election, you should move to Canada.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20 – February 18

Due to the lack of water on Mars, you will hold onto all of yours until you bloat up like a float in a Macy’s Day Parade.

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20

It’s time to sink or swim, Pisces!  With that giant anvil tied around your ankle, it’s looking like sink.  Bummer.  

Stay tuned next week to find out what you should have done last week!  Or something.

Your Weekly Horoscope Reading: The Signs

Do you know what your sign is?  It’s not just a pick up line, people, it is serious business.  Have you checked your horoscope lately?  Do you know what a horoscope is?  Well, you should, because we’re talking about your future laying in the balance here.  Specifically a balance of planets, moons, stars, galaxy class starships, unseen realms, mysticism, and William Shatner.

I have been checking my horoscope in the paper for years, and also divining my future from fortune cookies and the foil wrappers of Dove candies.  So I consider myself an expert.  I’m available for personal consultations and birthday parties.  Give me a call at 1-800-GET-REAL for more information.

I’m sure there are those of you who think horoscopes are silly.  Well, former first lady Ronald Reagan’s wife consulted horoscopes, so you know they must be legitimate.  Also other famous people rely on these horoscopes like E.L. James.  Actually I just made that up but would you be surprised?  I wouldn’t.

Anyway, as a special treat, I’ve decided to read everyone’s horoscope every Friday.  That way you can end the week knowing what was supposed to be in your future that is now your past.  It’s going to be really far out.

First, I should probably show you the signs.  These signs represent stuff like stars in the sky at certain times of year when there’s a moon or the sun or planet alignment or some other crap that I didn’t research. 

Aries (The Ram): Mar 21 – Apr 19

According to my limited research gained from the first site I found on Google,

Balloon ram

those with the sign of Aries are Active, Demanding, Determined, Effective, and Ambitious.  In other words, they’re power-hungry jerks.  Christian Grey might be an Aries.  Also Donald Trump.  I don’t actually know since I didn’t look any of that up.  Also the sign is a ram, as in ramming stuff down people’s throats, and I think both of them do that quite well.

 

Taurus (The Bull): April 20 – May 20               

Who doesn’t love Ferdinand?

Taurus signs represent Security, Subtle strength, Appreciation, Instruction, and Patience.  Translation: Tauruses are nerds.  Also they are represented by the bull, so they are nerds who are full of it.  Alex Trebek is probably this sign, because he knows a lot of stuff about nothing. 

 

 

Gemini (The Twins): May 21 – June 20

The twins from Hell

Geminis are good communicators, indecisive, Inquisitive, Intelligent, and Changeable.  So they’re the ones who ask everybody what color drapes they should choose and then still can’t make a decision and end up just buying mini-blinds.  Gemini is represented by the twins.  I’m not sure which twins.  Famous people with this sign include the Bush twins and the twins from that Sweet Valley High series.  It might be that those are the first twins that came to my mind.  Also it is the sign of both of my daughters, who, thank GOD, are not twins, but through strategic lack of planning on my part have birthdays one week apart.

 

Cancer (The Crab): June 21 – July 22

Cancer motto: De water is always greener in somebody else’s lake.

This is my sign.  Cancer people are Emotional, Diplomatic, Intense, Impulsive, and Selective.  In other words, we are total whiny butts and probably bipolar because according to this scientific study we are both impulsive and selective.  Cancer is represented by the Crab, which is slang for a type of STD.  It also shares the same name as a disease that kills millions.  Doesn’t seem like the luckiest sign to me.  Must be why I have it.

 

 

Leo (The Lion): July 23 – August 22

Leos are Warm, Generous, Faithful, Rulers with Initiative.  In other words,

Thundercats, HO!

aren’t they special?  The best example of this sign is that lion from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.  He’s a lion and a ruler and Jesus, which makes him all that happy, clappy stuff.  Seriously.  Don’t mess with the Jesus sign, guys.  I realize we celebrate his birthday in December, but scholars say that’s all messed up anyway.  So go with it.

 

 

 

Virgo (The Virgin): August 23 – September 22

Yeah, virgos, this is so totally YOU

Virgos are Analyzers, Practical, Reflective, Observant, and Thoughtful.  They are represented by the virgin, because thoughtful, practical people don’t have sex.  Unless they are married Virgos.  It’s kind of a rule.  Did you break it?  Shame on you.  People who are best represented by this sign are Ana Steele (hahaha, I’m just kidding), the Virgin Mary, and Mother Teresa.  Possibly. 

 

Libra (The Scales):September 23 – October 22

This is NOT a scale of justice.

Libras are known for their sense of Balance, Justice, Truth, Beauty, and Perfection.  In other words, they are also special snowflakes because they can make decisions while standing beautifully on one foot.  Libras are represented by the scales, which at first I thought meant they had a skin disease, but turns out the scales are those scales that you balance stuff on.  Famous Libras include the defense lawyer for O.J. Simpson, Superman, and Adolf Hitler.  Also my husband, though he really falls a lot more in the following sign.

 

Scorpio (the Scorpian): October 23 – November 21

Can you swing by a string?

Scorpios are Transient, Self-Willed, Purposeful, and Unyielding.  This should be my husband’s sign, because he is transient with his many projects, self-willed about starting these projects, purposeful about not getting around to actually doing these projects, and unyielding of the right to start another project while a half dozen are left unfinished.  Also, he actually likes spiders.  Famous Scorpios include the majority of two-year-olds.

 

 

Sagittarius (The Centaur): November 22 – December 21

I can see all sorts of problems with this.

People with this sign are Philosophical, in Motion, Experimental, and full of Optimism.  Translation: they’re mad scientists.  These are the people who as children probably put marshmallows in the microwave to see how what would happen, or experimented with putting stuff up a sibling’s nose never to be seen again, or ate pure sugar straight out of those little packets.  These children would be my brother and me, though neither of us are that sign, so I’m not sure why I put that in there. Sagittarius is represented by the Centaur, the half-man, half-horse from Greek Mythology.  Famous people of this sign include Mr. Ed and his owner, Lady Godiva and Horse, and The Lone Ranger and Silver.

 

Capricorn (The Goat): December 22 – January 19

How YOU doin’?

Capricorns are Determined, Dominant, Persevering, Practical, and Willful.  They won’t stop until they have forced you to do all their work for them.  Capricorns make awesome bosses and politicians.  Capricorns are represented by the goat because goats eat cans and butt people and I really don’t know why.  Famous Capricorns include all our past presidents, senators, and congressmen.  Also, if you add insane to that list, you could include one of my former bosses.

 

 

Aquarius (The Water Bearer): January 20  – February 18

Hamster drinking from water bearer.
He’s just cute, okay?

People with this sign are Knowledgeable, Serious, Insightful, Duplicitous, Humanitarians.  These are people who care about a cause, but are going to find thoughtful new ways to go about promoting it through trickery.  PETA falls into this category.  They want people to care about animals, so they have a campaign objectifying women because hey, they aren’t cats.  Aquarius is represented by the water bearer, because people with this sign often retain water.  Famous Aquarians include any hippies born in the 60s or 70s – the age of Aquarius.

 

Pisces (The Fish): February 19 – March 20

What?

Pisces signs are known for Fluctuation, Depth, Imagination, Reactivity, and Indecisiveness.  This makes them confused but imaginatively reactive bottom dwelling fish people.  Pisces is represented by the fish because fish go good with chips, or so I hear.  Famous Pisces people include Ariel the Little Mermaid, Moby Dick, and Spongebob Squarepants.

 

Did you find your sign?  Great!  Stay tuned for fabulous predictions starting next Friday.  Your future is probably not at stake!