Tag Archives: 2016 Presidential Campaign

Could Don Trump Jr. cure my Depression?

I was feeling a lot better, but then I started feeling not as good.  I’m not sure why.  It might have been going back to work and trying to get used to regular life again.  Or maybe that’s just part of treatment.  At any rate, I am going back for another extra treatment today.  Hopefully that will help.

There’s one other thing that might help, though.  I’m not sure if you’ve watched the news (or the comedy shows that do as good a job only more amusing) but it seems little Donny is a moron.  Remember how Hillary Clinton lost the election mostly because of her stupid emails?  Yeah?  Well, guess what?!  She’s not the only one with dumb emails.  It seems Don Jr met with a Russian lawyer who gave him confidential info on Hillary which they then used to influence the 2016 election.  We’ve been suspecting there was collusion between the Trumps and the Russians for a while, but no one thought that a Trump would actually flat out give written proof of it.   I told my thirteen-year-old about this and she frowned and asked, “Isn’t that treason?”  Yes, Thing Two, yes it is, good job.  Now if only adults on Fox News would figure it out, it’d be great.  Till then, we can watch them squirm.

Hey, Donnie, cleanin’ out a space for you in my can.

Now I have clips from Stephen Colbert of the Late Show and Trever Noah of the Daily Show.  Sure I could have found a bunch of official news clips, but you can do that.  This is much less boring.  Anyway, my point here is that this has the potential to cheer me up quite a bit.  I know it did last night when Thing One and I were watching and laughing so hard we nearly fell out of our chairs.  Of course, I could be wrong.  They are rich jerks and often they tend to get away with anything but – if nothing else they are not going to shake this for a while.  It should keep them busy.  Too busy – I hope – to keep working on that healthcare bill that will leave 23 million more uninsured.  Yes, Fox News is trying to defend the Trumps and sounding almost as ridiculous as Don Jr. did when he tweeted out the entire email chain containing information that directly links him to the scandal.  I did you the favor of linking clips from the Daily Show and the Late Show right here!

And not to forget Stephen’s report – view them both to get all the goodies, if you haven’t already . . .

Weee!  Who says you can’t have Christmas in July?  Stayed tuned.

Your raving reporter,

Alice

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Manifesto of a Trump Supporter

A couple of days ago, my husband brought me a “letter” that had been shoved in my mailbox with no stamp.  Since it’s a federal offense to mess with someone’s mailbox, either some unhinged person committed a crime to get this important info to me, or my mailman is Mr. McCreepy.  Pretty sure my mailman is not McCreepy, but someone creepy was there, at my house, and he brought me what can only be considered the manifesto of a seriously whacked out person – possibly on crack.

In case you were wondering, even after the title, this was a from a Trump supporter.  Now I’m not saying all Trump supporters are whacked out maniacs.  Some are quite reasonable when it comes to everyday life until you get to politics, at which point some spring in their heads goes ‘boing’ and all systems shut down.  I’m fairly sure, though, that this guy falls in the whacked out maniac category.  Anyway, without further ado, here it is.  Click to better view the Cray.

Yup, totally normal.

Yup, totally normal.

Apparently there’s a website (this is why it’s important to bring a buddy with you if you venture out into the Internet) out there called bamboo-delight.com.  I’m not sure what bamboo has to do with antisemitism and bizarre conspiracy theories, but there you go.  What’s odd about the original print out is that it says George Bush is the evil one working with the Jews to destroy the world.  Mr. McCray had to add in Hillary at the top in order to update things, since this is archival cray here.  And since the print out uses Bush, then clearly it’s not just a Republican / Democrat thing.  It’s a . . . all government is evil thing.  And the Jews.  Don’t forget them.

As bad as this print out is, it’s still not quite as bad as the person writing his (or her?) own notes on it.  You should notice multiple websites scribbled in ink which I am NOT going to click on because I can only imagine the cooties my computer will consume.  But we’ve got totally reputable sounding ones like “DarkMoon dot me”, “The forbidden truth dot com”, “Truth11 dot com”, “tortured in America dot org”, “stoppoliticalassassinations dot com” and you can’t forget the blog “Care and washing of the brain at blogspot dot com”.  I  have written out the dot coms because I really don’t want these people tracing back to my blog.  I already have to do a care and washing of my brain at this point.

And another thing – aren’t people who would type out something like this be the type who would advocate assassinating candidates?  They’ve always had sane reasons before, like the one who tried to kill Ronald Reagan because he wanted to impress Jodi Foster.  Makes total sense.

I did look up the word “ussa”  since the writer cautioned people that we were either the USA or the USSA.  The USSA seemed to either be a sports team or auto insurance.  But then I found the truth on Wikipedia.  See back in college Barack Obama was forming the American Socialist States of America.  Oh, okay.  The Wikipedia article knows this to be true, because “Michelle noticed that Obama had a mustache, much like ol’Hitler and Joseph Stalin, and left him for that guy who lost the 2004 elections”.  This comes from something known as the Uncyclopedia, which I like to think people don’t actually believe is real, because that makes me feel better.

He also seems concerned about gun ownership, because surely he needs to defend himself against Hillary, who is in league with THE JEWS and probably that commie Barack Obama.  He lists gun owners dot com and the America Defense Fund dot com site.  That this guy probably has weapons makes me feel all gushy inside, like my insides have been splattered.  We should probably all be wearing bullet proof vests at this point. Because you never know when one of these guys is going to walk up to your door.  Or a Jew.  Because . . . Jews.

That he has seized on the Jews as a scapegoat is a little odd, because – didn’t Hitler kind of do that?  And he’s supposedly not wanting a Hitler.  So you’d think he’d just stick with Muslims, minorities, immigrants, women, and well most of the population, like Trump does.  It’s been effective for the guy so far.  But no, Hillary is truly evil and she and her Jew army (just what?) are going to take over the U.S.A. and then won’t you be sorry.  So be sure and look up all the youtube links and find out the truth for yourself.  Or don’t, really, don’t do it.

You think he’s done, but there’s a back page.  No more print, just scribbles.

Ooookay.

Ooookay.

And don’t forget these sites!  “One humanity, one love” especially grips me.  Because this guy is clearly calling for tolerance here.  Unless, you know, you don’t vote for Trump.  Or you’re Jewish.

So what to make of all of this?  I think it demonstrates one very chilling truth.  Trump is not the scariest part of this election.  It is the people who have consistently supported him who scare me.  People who think it’s okay to be racist, sexist, and hateful.  Who want there to be “one humanity” that is them.  If you aren’t like them, then stay behind your wall.  Stay in your country that is bombed everyday.  Because at this point, I don’t know how much better it is over here.  I thought we had come so far.  I was wrong.  People like this guy still exist, and worse, there are so many others, enough to get Trump nominated for president of our country.  And it’s not just the rich white men.  It’s poor people, minorities, and women voting for him.  I don’t understand that at all.

How can you vote for someone who thinks that YOU, yes, YOU are not worthy of respect.  Who thinks it’s okay to send people away or discriminate against them because of their religion, or the color of their skin, or their lack of wealth, or their gender.  I’ve always been a Democrat, but while I disagree with Republicans on many issues, I’ve never actually been scared of one before, scared of what he will do with this country.  Hillary is not an angel.  But even Trump admitted that she doesn’t give up.  She keeps going, no matter how many insults are hurled at her.  And in this campaign, all decency and decorum has been thrown out the window.  You can hate Hillary.  But Trump – he is the leader to fear.  He speaks to the worst in all of us – to the fear, to the hate, to the anger that we all have because of injustices in this country, to the need to blame somebody.

You want someone to blame?  We must blame ourselves.  Because things have gotten truly bad here, enough that Trump has been able to seize on our weaknesses to bring himself to power.  But he is not the one to fix the problems in this country.  That’s up to us.  We have more power than we realize.  There are more of us than there are of people like him.  Yet almost 50 percent of the country refuses to vote.  Half of the country.  Do you think those votes could make a difference?  Maybe not individually, but together, oh yes it can.  I’m not telling you to vote for Hillary.  But please, vote for someone.  Vote for third party, write in someone, use your voice, use your right that people fought and died for, because that is our power.

It’s time we put it to use.

 

New Presidential Test!

I’ve been thinking about how to reform our election system.  At first I considered just having a boxing match, but you know how much trouble that would be, right?  First it really wouldn’t be fair with older or female candidates, who might not have the same strength as younger, hotter opponents.  Unless we’re talking Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton, both of whom I’m pretty sure would be very scary out in the ring.  I wouldn’t go up against them.

Wait, this actually happened?  Obama is like pumped!

Wait, this actually happened? Obama is like pumped!

You know we’d be talking major doping here (more than just being a dope, taking drugs) and selecting surrogate champions.  He who has the most dollars can hire the best boxers!  And we’d have boxer lobbyists, and endorsements from Nike, and so on.  So boxing is out, even if it would be massively more entertaining than primaries, secondaries, caucuses, etc.  It would work quite well for protestors.  Just let the Bernie lunatic fringe and the Trump supporters go at it in one big ring, see what happens.

But what about a test?  I mean we expect our kids to take a ridiculous amount of tests, so why not our candidates?  These could be oral questions, but they would be yes / no and multiple choice, so no dancing around the topic like in debate.  We are not giving them essay or short answer tests – we know how well that works.  I have a lot of experience taking tests, so I have some good ideas for questions.

Get your thinking caps on, politicians!

Get your thinking caps on, politicians!

1.Do you use Twitter?  Yes or No. 

No equals 10 points.  Yes is automatic dismissal

2. Did you watch Sesame Street and / or Mr. Rogers as a child?

Yes equals 1o points.  No equals no cookies for YOU.

Cookie Monster would have had my vote!

Cookie Monster would have had my vote!

3. Which of these did NOT happen in the Bible?

A. Stoning people

B. Healing people

C. God giving Moses the Bill of Rights

D. A great, big, beautiful flood

Answer C 10 points.   That was tricky! We all know it was Jesus who gave us the Constitution.

Totally how it happened.

Totally how it happened.

4. What do you think of really tall walls?

A. We’re just another brick in it.

B. Walls gooood!

C.  Why are we discussing walls again?

Answer A and C 10 points.  5 more if you know who wrote The Wall!

One giant leap to America!

One giant leap to America!

5. What is your favorite amendment to the Constitution and why?

A. 2nd amendment cause it means we can all tote at least 10 machine guns, shoot people, and still get votes.

B. 1st amendment because it guarantees my freedom to curse and demean people who don’t follow the freedom of MY religion which is the ONLY religion.

C. There are more than 2 amendments?

D. All of the above!

E. None of these are right, you moron.

A, B, C, D – no points.  E 10 points.  Signed check to me means any answer is right. 10 points

Go ahead and repeal this one, right?

Go ahead and repeal this one, right?

6. What is the most important issue affecting the American people?

A. The GAYZZZ

B. Mexican Muslim rapist terrorists – they’re everywhere waiting to kill you!

C. Donald Trump. Oh, God, Donald Trump.

Answer C.  10 points.  No, Bernie, I didn’t list food, shelter, and medical care for all.  Gawd.

I AM THE CHAAAAAMPIIIOOOON!

I AM THE CHAAAAAMPIIIOOOON!

7. Does Canada look really good this time of year?  Yes or No.

Yes – 10 points.  No – you clearly haven’t been paying attention.  O points and no beer.

8. Is it okay to lie, cheat, and steal?  Yes or No.

Yes if you don’t get caught.  10 points.  No if you are too dumb to hide your evidence. -10 points

Please quit writing emails.  All crooks now use texting.  Keep up.

Please quit writing emails. All crooks now use texting. Keep up.

9. I don’t like the candidate for my party.  What should I do?

A. Vote for the candidate for the opposite party.  Sure, why not?

B. Vote for a third party.  Like the Unicorn party.

C. Vote for the candidate you’re given and LIKE IT.

D. Throw a big temper tantrum.

Answer – Vote for anyone who isn’t Trump, then run to Canada.  10 points.

Write in Sparklepony for President today!

Write in Sparklepony for President today!

10. How soon should you start campaigning for President?

A. As soon as the new president is elected.

B. No more than 6 months ahead of time.

C. Never.

Answer – C, C, C always go for C.  10 points

Okay, so maybe this isn’t the best test ever, but it’s a start.  Anyone have ideas for other questions we should ask?  Let me know in the comments below!

~ Alice

Someone Left My Cake Out By the Ocean

I’m out for a while, guys, away from Facebook news and stuff gets like, crazy crazy.  Droopy Dog Cruz just drops out, ka-poof, like he was tired of people (like fellow senators) saying he was the devil or something.  And apparently Kasich dropped out too, though no one really noticed, just like they didn’t really notice he was running.  And for like two days I didn’t even know this.  My mother told me, and we don’t even talk all that often (Happy Mother’s Day Mom and Ted!).

Even weirder, there’s not even that much about it on Facebook, the place I get all my liberally biased news.  That’s right, Facebook suppresses conservative news too!  (I tried to find the Gizmodo article, but only got this article by the same guys about painting a room by blowing up paint.) I think it must be true, though, cause Facebook news says Tylenol can make you emphasize less with people, which must be why I don’t care about a lot of really stupid people.  Frequent headaches and all.  Anyway, so we are left with . . .

Trump, te Trump, Trump, Truuuump.

Trump, te Trump, Trump, Truuuump.

No one quite knows what to do with this.  Oh, sure, comedians can laugh about it, but there’s this little edge to their laughter like ha ha Trump might be our president it’s hilarious and hahahahaha . . . ha . . . cough . . . choke.

So we’re left with Hillary and Bernie still duking it out because even though Bernie doesn’t stand much of a chance now, unlike Cruz, he’s just not going to leave Hillary alone until he absolutely has to because where would the fun in that be, huh?  Meanwhile, Facebook does bother to announce that, hello, Trump just won – uh what was that latest state – he won one, guys, and I am totally surprised what with him being the only one running.  Why are they bothering to announce this?  Is it actually possible for someone to be the only candidate and still lose?  I mean saying he’s not a Democrat running in Texas?

These days?  Anything is possible.  ANYTHING.

Time to start snortin' the baby powder, peeps.

Time to start snortin’ the baby powder, peeps.

One might think this is good for Democrats.  The problem is, if Hillary wins, there are many Bernie supporters who claim “Bernie or Bust” which is quite true because if they don’t vote for Hillary, they will, in fact, be voting for Trump, meaning “bust” big time.  Ka-boom.  I will write this out slowwwwly for people who are still uncertain about our two party system.  If you don’t vote for the candidate picked, even if you don’t like this candidate, you are, in effect, voting for the other party.  So then you just have to decide.  Hillary or Trump?

I think I lost some people there.  Come back, Canada is closing the gates!

This whole thing makes as much sense as that old song about cake getting wet.   You know “Someone left my cake out by the ocean” . . . wait, no that’s the new song with one of those Jonas brothers about . . . it’s totally just about eating cake by the ocean young Disney Channel viewers.  It’s edgy though, cause he says like bad words, and talks about cake.  Cake that is bound to get wet.  And you know what happens then.  I don’t think that I can take it. Cause it took so long to bake it. And we are never having that recipe again.

Soylent cake is made out of BABIES!

Facebook News: Soylent cake is made out of BABIES!

Oh nooooooooooo!  Ohhhhhhh nooooooo!

Did you see those metaphors just come flyin’ at you there?  I did.  They didn’t make any sense, just like this election, so it’s like we just took a perfectly good cake, left it out in the rain, on the beach, near a Jonas brother and a bunch of girls in bikinis, and now Trump may be President of the United States.  Actions have consequences, people.  Jonas brothers, ruined cake, Oompa Loompa politicians, people moving in mass to Canada where they probably don’t even have cake or oceans, I don’t know, and someone just “Wake Me Up When It’s All Over”.  When I’m wiser and I’m sober.

Till then, let’s just eat cake and dance to stupid songs.

-Alice

Trolls, guns, and magical birds: more politics with Alice!

I hope you all had a great Easter weekend.  I didn’t.  I had stomach ISSUES and they weren’t fun and worst of all they kept me from Facebook for an entire day.  Do you realize what I could have missed with no Facebook News for a whole day?  Everything!  Maybe Donald said something racist or stupid.  Maybe the Enquirer said Ted Cruz was having multiple affairs (luckily I saw THAT one on the newsstand).  Or maybe someone gave Bernie Sanders the bird.

Birds.  Not just for Cinderella anymore.

Birds. Not just for Cinderella anymore.

Luckily for me, I also have my Things – er daughters, and they are very happy to pass on political news of great importance.  Thing One showed me a site called Loser.com that I had never heard of until today.  If you go to the site, you are directed immediately to the Wikipedia page of Donald Trump.  So did someone buy the domain loser.com just to troll Donald? Nah, loser.com has been trolling since 1995 in what the Washington Times called “quiet, pointless obscurity”, its targets having been Al Gore, Obama, and naturally Kanye West (please say he doesn’t run for office).  Donald is just the latest, but like everything Donald, his has gotten the most attention.  I’m shocked Donald hasn’t tried to sue yet (that we know of that is).

Another exciting bit of news (from Time Magazine who also reported on Donald being the latest loser.com victim – way to report Time!) is this video of teen “mean girls” reading the tweets of Donald Trump.  It’s absolutely hilarious until you realize that everything those girls say was actually said first by a 70-year-old man who wants to be President.  Then it’s still funny, but a little sad.  I wonder if he will continue with the highly effective communication tool if elected President.  Pfft, of course he will.

As far as Facebook News, I am with Ted Cruz who says reports of his multiple affairs are ridiculous.  Getting the one woman to marry him had to be an act of voodoo witchcraft – I can’t imagine anything being powerful enough to get him women on the side.  Imagine waking up to that face.  Oh crap – imagine waking up to that face even on the T.V.  I feel a little ill.

Cause really, who would you rather see on your televisions each day?

Kindly if slightly batty old grandpa Bernie Sanders?

Wait, wrong one.  Good enough.

Wait, wrong one. Good enough.

Retired librarian who tries to look cool Hillary Clinton (as a librarian I can vouch for this statement – it’s a tough job).

I still can't figure out my phone - what is this texting?

I still can’t figure out my phone – what is this texting?

Oompa Loompa with Tourette’s Donald Trump?

I like steaks!

I like steaks!

Or . . . or Droopy Doo Doo dog, Ted “Creeper” Cruz?

My voice is all high pitched and shrill too!

My voice is all high pitched and shrill too!

I don’t know about you, but out of this admittedly less than stellar list, I choose the Bern.  I’m not the only one.  Wildlife likes him too, as evidenced by the video in which a cute birdie landed on his podium during a speech.  You might think this an incredible coincidence (and something supporters at the rally got a little too excited about – even before the bird got close to Bernie) but it’s not.  Bernie commands wildlife, guys.  It’s the Democratic Socialist Disney Princess effect.  Remember that Hitchcock movie “The Birds”?  I’d be careful, Hillary and Republicans!  Bernie could unleash his hoard at any time.  Anyway, the bird was cute enough to make it into a Bernie endorsement video.  Cut from video: Duet of “I’m Wishing” from Snow White whistled by Bernie and the bird.

Aw.  Poor little sparrow-whatever-that-bird-is had no idea he was a dove and is even more confused.  Lucky for the bird, he landed near a Democrat.  I can just imagine a Republican, like, I dunno, Donald, taking a shot at him.  I could also see one of his supporters shouting “Sparrow season!” – if said supporter weren’t busy punching a Trump protester.  Speaking of violence, many Republicans are hoping to allow “open carry” guns at the Republican National Convention this year.  This is one time I am not totally against this idea.  Can you just imagine?  It’d be like the O.K. Corral, with bullets zinging across the room as people yell “Yippie-ti-yi-die!” while galloping around in their suits and ties.  Seriously, I wouldn’t want anyone hurt, but it would test whether Republicans are as crazy about guns if said guns are shot near them in an enclosed space by other Republicans.

The Next Republican Convention

The Next Republican Convention

So much excitement to come!  Try to survive.  And if you can’t find a gun, be nice to birds.

Alice out

Reality Campaign Sent Me to the ER

Wellllll . . . this election has just . . . shuffled along like a long, drawn out bunch of fillings without Novocaine.  You can’t just fill them at once, it has to be one, two, maybe five at a time.  And there’s 50 teeth, guys, 50 rotten teeth, and somehow, I think it’s gonna hurt when it’s all over no matter what they put in those cavities.

Stephen Colbert has compared the election to a reality show, and I think that’s even better than my dental plan.  It’s also why I believe that if anyone is going to sponsor these candidates, it should be these guys.

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it's the 2016 Presidential campaign!

From the people who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras, it’s the Amazing 2016 Presidential Race!

I have covered several TLC shows in the past, including one where a guy was in love with his car (Trump supporter?), and none of them have compared to this campaign.  We had another five states vote in the third Super Tuesday (how many Super Tuesdays can you have?  Should some be called Super-Duper Tuesday, or even EXTREME Tuesday?) and Trump and Hillary made a pretty clean sweep.  But if you think the other candidates are going to give up, clearly you have never watched an episode of The Bachelor.  These guys (and gal) are going to get that rose, er, nomination, if they have to send people to the ER to do it.

We have had a few drop-outs, so the Republican candidate field has gone from 19 and Counting to three.  Carson made the bold decision to quit when he slept through the last few debates and woke up to find out he’d been voted off the island by pretty much everyone.  Rubio quit too, but he and his boots have great opportunities ahead, like an appearance on What Not To Wear very soon.  So now the Republicans have Trump, Cruz, and Kasich.  Kasich won one state, the only state he’s won so far, but he’s happy, so we’ll just leave him with his car, er um dreams. Just like I’m gonna live in my bubble, cause Trump and Cruz make me want to eat a whole box of baby powder donuts and wash it down with some hot sauce.

Who can't identify with this?

Who can’t identify with this?

You might think I am ignoring the Democrats because I’m a biased somewhat-moderate lib’ral who votes Democrat because they come closest to getting some of the stuff I want (like food).  This is true, but it’s also because the Democrats are just plain dull beside the Republicans.  Sure Hillary has her emails and trail of Secret Obsessions and Crazy Addictions, and Bernie waves his hands in the air like he just doesn’t care causing his hair to electrify, but it just doesn’t compare to the total boobs the GOP has right now.  I should also point out that I don’t hate Republicans – just their politics (Some of my friends are Republican so I’m totally not prejudiced.).  Unless they are politicians, then it’s a pretty safe bet I hate them.

So now it’s down to Cruz and Trump, two candidates that even the Republican party itself hates with a passion.  I did do a little digging into their pasts (not just for Repubs anymore!) and I found some great dirt on Cruz.  If you’ve been reading, you know I already reported that Ted Cruz is suspected of being the Zodiac killer.  But did you know he was also in a Christian metal band?  It’s totally TRUE.  Just look at the proof.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

COINCIDENCE? I think not.

So now we know that Ted Cruz was not only in a metal band while serial killing his fellow Canadians, he is also a politician who is probably related to a cartoon character named Droopy Dog.  The evil is staggering, honestly.  And then there’s Trump, who is a failed businessman reality star tanning bed victim circus clown politician who rolls around in his money vault like his uncle, Scrooge McDuck.

Donald's first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Donald’s first act as President will be putting his face on the currency.

Would I lie about any of this?  Absolutely not.  But I should point out that Ted Cruz can see into your soul with his beady little eyes and make your brain explode.  Also Donald Trump is really a leprechaun.  So be careful with your votes.

What truly amazes me is that even after winning those four states by a YUGE margin, Donald was still ticked off enough to whine about how he has had way more negative ads targeted at him than anyone in campaign history.  Talk about a victory speech!  It looked rather like this.

I can't believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

I can’t believe I won quack quack quack quack quack!

No one on Big Brother or Bachelor Pad could compare with the antics of the Republican contenders, and I have to say that I mourn the passing of the ones who have fallen, whoever they were.  The Real Politicians of the GOP will live on, as long as the Republican party itself!

At least they will all be welcomed with welcome, opening arms by TLC.  So many shows for them to choose from!  Politician and Pregnant (I want this one for Ben Carson), I Didn’t Know I Was a Politician (shoe-in for half of the former Republican candidates), My Five Wives (Donald Trump), Dumb People Dumber World (any of them), Toddlers and Tiaras (Donald Trump), Here Comes Droopy Boo Boo (Ted Cruz), What Not to Wear – or say – or do (Marco Polo Rubio), Politics: Buried Alive (all of us).

Be prepared, American viewers.  This is all you’re gonna see for a long, long time.  Have a nice day, and wonderful fruit salad life.

Alice

Voters: Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

I didn’t start out intending to be a political humor writer, but what can you do when it’s all just right there for the taking?  It’s like E.L. James decided to write a story of an election, and this is the result.

Anyhoo, I promised to tell you of my experience voting.  I went to the polls the week before Super Tuesday (the first Super voting day) with my Republican husband.  We were the only ones there.  In Texas, you have these little voter booths that resemble old arcade game machines.  You get controls too, only this one is just a dial you use to go down the list of names and select your candidate.  It is not a touch screen, as the sign (created by the poor souls who actually volunteer to register you) clearly states.  Yet every time I touch it first.  As does everyone else.

Voting machines. Also play Pac-Man.

Voting machines. Also play Pac-Man.

But why a rotary dial?  Are we going back to the 80s here?  I guess it fits the arcade theme.  And why does every state do this differently?  Why pregnant chads in Florida?  I don’t get it.  But I digress.  Again.  Mostly because I have to admit that when it comes to voting, I am not that bright.

Obviously I knew who I wanted to select as the Democrat’s candidate, though my husband was still somewhat undecided except for “Not Trump”.  To make this process more confusing to voters, several Republican candidates who had dropped out long ago were still on the ballot.  I wonder how many votes those people got.   It would have been extra funny if somehow Texas had elected, say, Jeb!

I won when I wasn't running! Gorsh!

I won when I wasn’t running! Gorsh!

At least the Democrats had been narrowed down to two for a long time, so easy peasy right?   Then I got my ballot, and I realized I had completely forgotten, in spite of doing this every two to four years since I turned 18, that there was a lot of other stuff on the ballot.  Like bunches of other people I had never heard of, and even a few political positions I had never heard of, and I had to choose one.  Most only had one person, so that was pretty easy, but then Railroad Commissioner had three.  Eenie, Meenie, Mini?  For a while I was terrified I had accidentally voted for a Republican, then I remembered this was the Democratic primary.  Which means they should all be Democrats?  Theoretically?

And then came the story problems, or as the political establishment calls them, referendums.  Oops. I had not looked any of those up beforehand either.  All of these were written in legalese.  I have a Master’s degree in English (no, really!) and I had to read them more than once to make sure I was voting the right way.  There were questions like this one:

Get your thinking caps on!

Get your thinking caps on!

Do you agree with a bill that will not permit the exercise of extreme force upon juvenile seals by way of blunt instrument?

And so you are about to say “no” obviously, cause you want to prevent clubbing baby seals!  But then you realize that it says “permit” instead of “prevent”, but that’s still “no” because it’s permitting clubbing them seals.  Wait, then you remember there’s that “not” in there, so you need to say “yes” you want a bill that doesn’t permit clubbing seals.  Right?   When did seals get permits?  I’m not sure I care about the seals anymore.  Whoever wrote up these referendums needs a club to the head.  My husband who is not an English major, in fact has a reading disability, was there for quite a while after I had finished.  He was also extremely confused.

Like poor Chris.

Like poor Chris.

“I’m not sure what I voted for,” he said.

“Me neither,” I replied.

And we went our merry way, just like most Americans.  And that is how the voting system works, kiddos! I even got a sticker.

Like the short-lived game show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, the sad news is that kids actually DO know more than many adults about politics.  They also seem to care about it.  Nevermind that none of them can vote.  Thing Two has a fellow student / arch enemy who is insane about Trump, enough that he carries around his biography like a Bible.  No kid should carry around ANY politician’s bio, especially that one.  Thing Two enjoys responding to his “Trump is Awesome” speeches with taunts of “GO HILLARY!  HILLARY FOR PRESIDENT!”  I love my kids.

If you want some proof that kids know way more than we do (and more than they should, really), here is a video with kids responding to Donald Trump’s antics, and answering questions.  You might be tempted to think they were prompted, but I believe it’s totally real, because you just don’t come up with stuff the way these kids do.  Also no adult would have that much common sense.  Prepare to laugh your head off, then feel sad for their future.  Here it is.

 

 

Now the GOP is hoping to keep the four  candidates in as long as possible in order to prevent Trump from securing enough delegates, thus allowing the party to select its own candidate, rather than the voters.  Something seems wrong with this picture.  It’s a good reason to vote, though, because if you take all the people who don’t bother, you get enough to say, keep a crazed lunatic (choose one) out of office.  And that’s just being a good American.

Here goes nothin'!

Here goes nothin’!

Alice

These are the Fruit Salads of Our Lives

Well, we just had Super Tuesday, and it looks like Hillary won 7 states out of 13 and Bernie won 4 states out of 13 and I realize 4 and 7 don’t equal 13 so I’m not sure what happened.  Also Trump won 7 states, but never had more than 50 percent of the vote.  Hard when there are still 5 candidates running, one of whom (lookin’ at you Ben-o!) didn’t register once.  Also, I voted, but more on that on another post!  Since we still don’t have any clue what’s going on in this most screwed up of elections ev-ah, I thought I’d just do a post in headlines I’ve been gathering up while recovering from my latest bout of plague (thanks Obama!)

The Washington post also has some great images (non-moving gifs!) and tweets, but Gawker had the best headline.  Watch Chris Christie’s pained expressions as he stands trapped behind Donald Trump.  Time to rethink life choices, Christie.

I can see my life flashing before my eyes.

I can see my life flashing before my eyes.

Zodiac Killer: 38 Percent of Florida Voters Think It Is Possible Ted Cruz Is Serial Killer, Poll Says

Sure the killings started in 1968, and Cruz wasn’t born until 1970, but, well, look at the guy.  Do you blame them?

Trump Says Hispanic Voters ‘Get It’

Get that you think they’re rapists? That you want to deport them and / or employ them?  What do they “get” exactly?

Ben Carson’s Fruit Salad Makes the Internet Go Bananas

Ben says “the fruit salad of their life is what I will look at” when choosing a Supreme Court justice.  I think that’s how we’re choosing president instead.  Still it got a lot of amusing tweets including:

 – My tell-all is going to be  called the The Fruit Salad of Their Lives

-The Fruit Salad of Their Life is my favorite soap

and of course

– Make America Grape Again

This one goes to Dr. Ben Carson!

This one goes to Dr. Ben Carson!

 

You can’t make this crap up.  Sorry, Ben, you’re really not important enough for a punch.

Lindsey Graham: Sen. Lindsey Graham Jokes About Gone Bat**** Crazy GOP:   “Speaking at the Washington Press Club Foundation Dinner, Graham had the harshest words for Sen. Ted Cruz. “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you,” he quipped.”

I’m thinking a lot of people don’t like Ted Cruz.  Like EVERY ONE of his fellow senators who won’t endorse him, for instance.

Come on, guyyyys!

Come on, guyyyys!

Emancipation Proclamation: 20 Percent of Trump Supporters Do Not Support Executive Order, Poll Says

And another 17 percent “aren’t sure”.  Just . . . I mean . . . what . . .why . . . next question.

Kevin Spacey: Actor Says ‘We Get What We Deserve’ About US Presidential Election

Speak for yourself, Kev!  Pretty sure most of us do not deserve this.

Trump University: Donald Trump Could Be Called to Testify in Fraud Case, Court Filings Show

Trump?  Fraud?  No way!

 

Everybody do the Donald!

Everybody do the Donald!

Hint to Hillary: Find out.

Ben Carson: Republican Presidential Candidate Says President Obama Was ‘Raised White’

WTF does that even MEAN, Ben?  Does Obama not have a good fruit salad?

Donald Trump: GOP Presidential Candidate Says He Wanted to ‘Punch’ Protester Who Disrupted Rally

Sometimes people think words instead of speak them, Donald.  Still, if you can’t find the protester, you could always punch Ben.  He wants to be attacked.  Or Cruz.  He’s just so darn punchable.

Whaaat?

Whaaat?

Note: I tried to find the headlines I’d picked off FB.  When I couldn’t, I substituted links.  Enjoy your fruit salad!

Alice

 

Delegates, PACs, Caucuses, Primaries, and other words with no meaning

Early voting has started for the Texas primary.  I know because there are massive amounts of Trump signs out in the lawn by one of our voting places.  I think the building has something to do with city government, but really don’t care because the city is run by Republicans.  I did see one Bernie Sanders sticker on the back of a car.  These are brave people.  I’d be afraid of having my bumper shot.

Anyhoo, I should get over there and cast my vote.  My husband votes Republican (I have attempted to reason with him, and barring that, possibly drug him, to no avail) so we act maturely and often vote without each other.  And don’t tell the other person. You know, in case he or she forgot.  We never forget.  But it’s a fun game we play.  He’s not into politics really, which is how we stay married.  But he still votes Republican because it runs in the family or something, like mental illness.  At least we can agree on one thing.  Neither one of us can stand Trump.

I will never, never tire of this picture.  It should be plastered on all his campaign photos.  They'd still vote for him.

I will never, never tire of this picture. It should be plastered on all his campaign photos. They’d still vote for him.

But like acid reflux, he just keeps coming back up.  I actually did try to read a little on this primary caucus thing, and now I am officially way more confused.  They’ve had primaries (or caucuses?) in Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada and South Carolina, though not all take place for both parties at the same time, and some are decided and some are not and some are closed and some are open and some are mixed (like candy!).  I have no idea why exactly.  I do know Trump is winning a lot. So is Hillary.  (Like there’s been 4 states out of 50!  The media has totally called it already!)

But according to my lawyer friend who does not get news from Facebook, Bernie still has the popular vote of the Democrats.  I’m not sure anyone really has a strong vote with the Republicans, since some still refuse to bow out, even if they have no percentage of the vote.  And some states have split delegates, and are not winner take all though everyone says they have won, and certain delegates have pledged themselves to each (What are delegates again?  Who are these people?  Can I be one? I can delegate great!) but Hillary has the super PACS (like Pac-Man?) and I’m still not totally hip on this whole delegate / PAC thing.  I keep thinking that we should just, you know, vote for who we want ourselves. But what do I know?

My thoughts on this.

My thoughts on this.

I do know I haven’t heard much about these states in a while (I totally forgot about Iowa), so way to go getting your state noticed, guys!  But you should know, there is a lot of stupid out there, so please sane people who happen to want to vote my way, get out and vote.  Even vote for Hillary.  Though I think another four years of Clintons will be torture, it won’t be anything like what we’ll get with one of these wackamoles in the other party.  At this point I am actually missing Romney and McCain, you guys. That’s bad. That’s super bad.  And Super Tuesday (it’s not a football game, sorry) is coming up and we’ll get primaries from several states, including my quiet, unassuming little state Texas.  I’m not scared AT ALL.

But back to the headlines, which stay as wacky as ever!

Brought to you by the ghost of Socks the cat.

Brought to you by the ghost of Socks the cat.

Pat Buchanan political commentator says Trump’s rise is a rejection of “Bush Republicanism.”

Funny, I thought his rise to power came after the opening of the Seventh Seal.  And what is Bush Republicanism exactly? Sort of kind of sane Republicanism?

Pat Robertson: Bernie Sanders voters are a bunch of “ignorant sheep.”

But Pat is like on the 700 club.  I thought it was supposed to be good to be a sheep so Jesus can be your shepherd?  But what do I know?

I STILL know more about politics than most Trump supporters.  Baaaa.

I STILL know more about politics than most Trump supporters. Baaaa.

Trump pranks Jeb Bush by stealing his website campaign.

Trump tweeted “Jeb Bush forgot to renew the rights to his domain name for his website.  Guess who bought it?”  You know, sometimes I forget we’re running an actual political campaign here with all this here tomfoolery!

Jeb Bush: Republican candidate suspends his campaign.

Aw.  Jeb, please know, your political ads were the bomb and I will never forget them.

Jeb doesn't get politics either.

Jeb doesn’t get politics either.

Marco (Polo) Rubio won’t let a cracked molar keep him from campaigning.

OMG, the heroism.  So you were in a prison camp?  Big deal, John McCain!  Rubio has to see the dentist!

Cruz: ‘We are the only campaign who can beat Donald Trump’

Well, you did do it one time out of three.  But – yeah that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I'm totally sincere, guys.

I’m totally sincere, guys.

These guys sure are a hoot.  Thing One discovered a video called “Trump and Friends” which puts the faces of political candidates on the trains from Thomas the Tank Engine, and makes the trains even more disturbing.  But it fits perfectly, considering those trains were always being jerks to each other.  Enjoy!

 

-Alice