Live From the Blanket Fort: Of Dancing Spoons and Disappointed Napkins
Yes, it’s me. I’m still here. And this – this is still happening. But don’t worry, for I am not scared. No, I don’t have tickets to Canada to live with their free health care and hottie Prime Minister, importance not necessarily in that order. But I have protection. Witness the aforementioned blanket fort.
My bunker.
Notice that it is stocked with all needed provisions for the next four years. I have a bottle of cola, pop tarts, microwave popcorn, pillows, blankets, Disney movies, and animal familiars for possible future witchcraft. Thanks to Thing Two for her assistance with my safe house here. Thing one was busy at the high school musical, Beauty and the Beast. She was the star. She played a spoon. I think there was some chick named Belle in there too.
More on that later.
I had to pick her up, and the fort was still there, and my husband was due home from church. So I called him and explained that there was a blanket fort in the living room. It went like this.
Me: Hi, honey, there’s a blanket fort in the living room.
Husband: A what?
Me: A blanket fort. I have to go pick up Thing One, but we’ll clean it up later.
Husband: A blanket floor?
Me: There’s a mess in the living room. Be back soon!
So I got my daughter from her very last performance. I think you need to understand exactly what these costumes are like. As soon as I get some pictures back (I didn’t have my camera with me of course) I will post them (with her lovely face blanked out) because you have to see this thing. Think giant, thick, board (real board not that cardboard stuff) made in the shape of a spoon, strapped to her back in several places, with the spoon head sticking out far over her head. She danced in this thing. I can’t even imagine. On the plus side, her posture should be great now.
And I have to say, I enjoyed the play immensely. Now this may be a surprise, but I sort of like Disney, especially this particular movie. And the Broadway version is way better. But I had my doubts as these were high school kids who dealt with a change in directors in the very middle of a musical that involves a heavy amount of dancing and singing in big numbers because this is Disney and they do everything on speed.
Yet they surprised me, to my delight. Everything was fabulous. Gaston was short, but they even put in jokes about that. At one point his wig was knocked partly off – he tossed it back on and kept going. I missed the second performance when the beast lost his wig after being stabbed by Gaston, and Belle fell upon him in despair, and probably to cover up the wig mishap while the kids backstage stifled laughter. But honestly, mostly this was a grade A performance. Belle was incredible. The Beast was incredible. The whole cast was amazing and the story and sets fabulous.
I was informed by Thing Two that the sister of a friend came close to playing the part of Belle, but did not get it because “Miss Perfect” did (can’t fault her there, that girl can sing, dance, act, and she’s pretty – some people hit the genetic lottery). Anyway, the poor girl had to become a napkin.
“You can tell which one she is,” Thing Two explained. “She’s the most disappointed looking dancing napkin out there.”
I, however, was transfixed through the whole thing, even when my spoon wasn’t on stage. My husband, brave man that he is, shifted a lot in his seat. Father of the Year for sitting through not one but two of these three-hour performances.
But I guess this brings me back to how it is the arts that can bring us away from where we are, no matter how horrible we feel that place is. For three hours, I forgot about the election, about the problems in the world, about everything else. I was in another world, and I laughed, and I cried, at every bit of it. But when my daughter, my spoon, came out on stage for her numbers, afterward I clapped so hard with pride that my hands hurt.
This is what will get us through. Writing, humor (sometimes through choked back bile), books, movies . . . and of course, a blanket fort for protection. Here I am, watching from my fort.
Yes, I am an adult.
I may look a bit like Snoopy from the Red Baron mixed up with Ferris from his day off, but I’m still here, darn it. I may be reporting on events from this location for a while. Probably not political events because I am still in the denial stage of grief where I pretend “The Happening” never occurred. But still reporting. Never give up, never surrender.
Never forget pop tarts and coke while hiding in your blanket fort.
~ Alice
Elsa vs Hans: How to Reform an Election
Hello, again. In case anyone was expecting a conclusion, or just hiding in their blanket forts, I’ve had a headache going on since roughly the beginning of time. Or possibly this election. It is pounding, pounding like drums of war and it looks at pain meds like “Bah!” But nevermind my sinus / tension / help us all headache, I should wrap up the election in Arendelle. It’s so easy in fairy tales.
Yes, it’s all over in Arendelle! They have a queen! Why is monarchy suddenly sounding better to me now? Look at our good neighbors in Britain. I’m pretty sure at this point that Prince George and Princess Charlotte could govern about as well their politicians, and they’re toddlers. And just think, we’d be descended from King George Washington, and the worst scandal he faced was that cherry tree thing, and we’re pretty sure that was all a set-up.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could do this with ALL politicians?
I might be losing it just a tad. I mean just because the whole thing is over on Tuesday. Which is – two days from now. But no need to PANIC. We should instead be thinking of reform, saying we get through the next four years. Here are some ideas I had while my head pounded.
- No more campaign funds from donors or even the candidates’ own personal fortunes. Each candidate is given 50 dollars from start to finish to finance their campaign. I’m thinking some trips to the Dollar Store will be in order. Think poster board and lots of crayons.
- From start the finish, the campaign season can last, at maximum, 3 months, or roughly as long as the Christmas season. No more campaigning as soon as a president sits down. Shut up and start thinking how you’re gonna spread out that 50 bucks, people.
- No more special interest groups, PACs, corporations, or whatever the heck you’re called influencing the election. They’ve already got their 50 bucks, which is a good enough allowance, so do be quiet, they don’t care about you without your money.
- Media coverage cannot be bought by either party. That’s right, media, you have to find your own news! And just like high school students, you might try citing your work! There’s not going to be as much to cover, because they will only be here for three months, so you might want to shut off the news occasionally. It’s okay. We’ll get by not knowing if former Disney stars are planning to run for president or somehow else destroy their reputation for a few hours.
- Time to reform the electoral college. First off, by explaining how it works. That bad, huh? Maybe you should try to change it. You’ve got four years. Work it out.
- Only two debates. One for the primary, one for the actual election. No more than 5 candidates allowed on stage. I don’t care how they fight it out, no one listens to more than 3 or 4 of them anyway, so just 5 in the primary. If anyone acts like a brat in either debate, either by calling names or refusing to answer a question, he or she is sent to the time out hall of shame chair. If they do it again, they don’t get to come back. No more debate for you!
- Candidates are not allowed to say mean things about their rivals. We have to leave something for the media to do – all on their own. Candidates can only give detailed plans for beginning to solve stuff like poverty. Expect a lot of quiet debates until they get used to this.
- Politicians are only allowed to communicate via those old Mission Impossible tapes that explode after the message is finished. No more twitter or email ever again.
I know there’s more, so much more, but I’ll leave it at that. If you have anything to add, please do! You can find me at Blanket Fort, Alice’s living room, Alice town, 1234HELP.
~ Alice
I Can’t Take It Anymore: Timeline Part Two
Welcome back to the year of . . . Fun, Fun, Fun. And Hell. Let’s see if we can get through this timeline of politics and a few other things. I might have missed a war or two. I’m stopping before November because I’m not sure if we will actually survive it, and why waste a post? Here we go!
Don’t you just love presidential debates?
March 2016
North Caroline debates about the big issues – like who goes to what potty.
Ben Carson wakes up slightly and realizes he’s still in the Republican presidential race. He drops out – onto the floor probably.
We also lose Marco Rubio, so I will sadly no longer get to use the “Marco Polo” joke anymore.
“Let me put it plainly, if we Republicans choose Donald Trump as our nominee, the prospects for a safe and prosperous future are greatly diminished” – Quote by Mitt “Mittens” Romney. Mitt Romney is making sense now. Be afraid.
April 2016
Sanders and Hillary go head to head in debate. People hit the deck in case of blood spurts.
Trump continues to act like an rabid chimp throwing poo. Naturally he starts winning major states.
Cruz names Carly “standing witchface” Fiorina as his VP. She takes a dive off the stage. Great times.
May 2016
Six days after picking a VP, Cruz drops out of the race. A day later, Kasich (you know, that guy) drops out too.
This leaves only Trump in the race. Other countries are looking at us like “I am so not hanging out with you anymore, U.S.”
Breaking Report: Cute kittens continue to be born, filmed on youtube.
June 2016
U.N. has Brexit, which is not the meal between breakfast and lunch, but a withdrawal from the European Union. It doesn’t go so well.
Paul “The Weasel” Ryan says he’ll vote for Trump.
Five days later Paul “The Weasel” Ryan calls Trump a racist. Like you just now noticed, Weasel Boy?
Hillary has enough votes to win the primary making her the first woman presidential candidate. Sanders does not see her winning as a reason to leave. Not when he can still annoy her.
Want to see pics of my teens when they were cute babies?
July 2016
Japan manufactures the last videocassette recorder. Now what do we do with these VHS tapes? Thanks!
The F.B.I. gets really tired of reading through Hillary’s emails, most of which probably involved online receipts for anti-aging cream, photos of her grandchild, and complaints of “how do you work this thing again?”. Lucky for us, the Republicans will continue to talk about her treason for years to come. Please, Hillary, get Chelsea to teach you texting!
Sanders gives in and endorses Hillary. His lunatic fringe supporters go nuts cause how dare he act respectful? Isn’t that “out” this election?
Cruz is booed for not endorsing Trump, ironically the only intelligent decision he’s ever made.
Wikileaks (Doncha just love these guys? Doncha?) leaks what everyone pretty much already knew. The Democratic Chair was a lying liar who lied and manipulated stuff. I’m sure this has never before happened with the chairs of either party.
Sloths seal their place as my spirit animal.
August 2016
2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. A U.S. Olympian gets drunk, vandalizes stuff, then claims he was robbed, thus keeping up good international relations.
Trump takes on a new campaign manager, which surprises everyone cause who knew he had one?
Clinton aide separates from her husband, the infamous Anthony Weiner. At least Hillary’s cheating husband was not named Weiner.
We still have the Wiener dog races. Check ’em out.
September 2016
The U.S. and China, responsible for 40 percent of the world’s carbon emissions, ratify global climate agreement. And say “Our bad.”
Hillary called out for calling Trump supporters “deplorables.” They get on her when she lies AND tells the truth!
Hillary and Trump react to the New York City bombing. Trump says “Hillary did it.”
First smack down debate between Hillary and Trump. Trump acts grouchy, sniffs, and says “wrong” a lot. Hillary is giddy with excitement. She’s been preparing for this for DECADES.
Did I mention kittens?
October 2016
VP candidates have debate. Supposedly Pence did well because he did not try to punch Kaine in his smiling face. Trump’s reaction? Extreme jealousy of his running mate. Right.
Tapes are released of Trump bragging about assaulting women. For some reason, people are actually surprised, and Republicans begin leaving his side in droves to protect themselves.
Wikileaks dumps info on Hillary Clinton’s speeches to Goldman Sachs. Apparently, she was paid, and she said stuff that she’s said before anyway.
Trump and Hillary have their second debate, town hall style. Trump takes this to mean he should impersonate various animals including weasel, bear, shark, and toddler. Neither candidate really answers a question, thus keeping to the status quo.
Third and Final (or people will start rushing the stage) debate. Donald starts out almost normal, then goes boom. He decides he doesn’t have to concede the election because who needs democracy?
Trump adds to his statement saying he won’t accept the results “Unless he wins.” Pence backs this up, saying they don’t have to if they don’t wanna.
I decide to pick my own reality too and build a blanket fort in my living room. I invite anyone else in who needs to escape the planet a while. I am playing Disney films and eating Oreos.
Just 17 days to go till D day! But, really, what could happen in a a 2 and a half weeks?
Don’t answer that.
~Alice
Disney Villains watch the Final Presidential Debate
I figured, when watching this last debate, who better to help out than those who know politics best: Disney villains. The Things helped gather all those we could find for a focus group. Maleficent got caught in traffic, or so she said. And Cinderella’s evil stepmother was busy working on the third party (the evil party) campaigns of her stepdaughters. But most of them showed up, partly because I promised them pardons from their respective kingdoms.
They’re all ready to take notes. We’ll see how long it takes them to figure out this isn’t Dance Moms.
First question: What’s your opinion on the second amendment that guarantees your right to free arms? Should there be gun restrictions, yadda.
Gaston: YES! GUNS!
Jafar: What about magic?
Hans: Sword will do in a pinch.
Second question: What do you think of abortions, specifically late term abortions?
Mother Gothel: I love children! Especially ones with magical hair I can kidnap.
Ursula: I prefer after birth abortions. But really, who needs a voice?
Third question: What is your stance on immigration? Should we build a wall or help them become citizens?
Jafar: Keep out the street rats
Gaston: I say we shoot them.
Hans: I wouldn’t mind them building me a castle first.
Fourth Question: Wikileaks has been leaking secret information, possibly from Russia. What do you think of that?
Ursula: It IS nice to have blackmail against people, bwahahaha.
Mother Gothel: Wikileaks sounds like a plumbing problem.
Fifth question: How do you plan to help the economy?
Hans: Tax cuts for villains. The evil will trickle down. Others: Works for us.
Sixth Question: Do you believe you are fit to be president? Is it okay to grope women?
Gaston: Groping women is great!
Evil Hag: Only if we get to grope back.
Sixth question: Let’s talk about ISIS, Syria, and Iraq. How are you going to fix it all?
What are those? I want to know about my social security!
Seventh Question: How are we going to fund Social Security, Medicare, and control the National Debt?
Evil Hag: My economy was based purely on beauty products. We were fine. Now give me my check.
Will you accept the results of the election?
Gaston: No.
Jafar: No.
Hans: I’m going to say yes, because it sounds good. Then I’ll kill my opponent.
Any closing statements?
Hans: I think we all know I’d be best at this thing. I’m a sociopath, but I’m subtle about it.
Queen of Hearts: Off with their heads!
So I guess they got as much out of the debate as the rest of us. The most important question was one that was so easy for Mr. Trump. Will you agree to transfer power? He sorta answered that one wrong. As Hans knows, you have to be subtle to truly make it in politics. Tsk Tsk.
Did any of you see the debate? What did you think of it?
~Alice
Political Entertainment Express
Wow, for someone who purposely tries to avoid news as much as possible, I sure get a lot of it. Especially political news, which is always intelligent and thoughtful and I can’t even finish this. It’s not that the reporting itself is bad – unless you are talking about Fox, of course. It’s that the stuff they report is so incredibly stupid. I think I can safely call this the most idiotic election in the history of America, and keep in mind I am including the 2008 election featuring Sarah “Cocker Spaniel” Palin and the 2000 election featuring all the pregnant chads.
Crazier than this.
For one thing, up until now we’ve had candidates in the Republican party that at least seemed to have brain power. I may not have agreed with McCain, but he wasn’t a whackjob – at least not until they stuck him with Palin as a running mate and his strategy reverted to “Screw it.” But now? The most reasonable one (when he actually talks about issues) seems to me seems to be – and it pains me to say this – Jeb Bush. President Jeb. Yet he’s sinking in the polls faster than his money can save him. And Trump is winning with the power of hate mixed with total holy batcrap insanity.
As far as the Democrats go – you’ve only got two choices, in spite of what poor O’Malley would like you to think. (Can someone just promise him a cabinet seat already so he can go home?) Bernie or Hillary. Democrats seem under the impression that people will vote for Hillary because she has lots of money behind her, and she’s married to Bill who, in spite of his inability to keep his pants zipped, didn’t do so bad as president. The only problem with this is that almost everyone else hates her, or her husband, or both of them, or possibly the entire family including Socks the cat. (Is Socks still alive? I’m guessing no. And, yeah, I’m more interested in the cat now.)
He looked very presidential. Maybe he has a relative?
So that just leaves Bernie Sanders (not related to the colonel) because unlike most other Democrats, he doesn’t try to get along with Republicans. He just says what he wants, which you might as well when the opposing party communicates like a two-year-old “No, no, no!”. Will corporations like Bernie? “No,” he says, “and Wal Street will like me even less!” When they ask him about terrorism, or immigration, or terrorist immigration, he often goes back to the these stupid, totally unrelated issues like Americans having a place to eat, sleep, and work. This is what most people would call campaign suicide. Except that you have to remember who the guy is running against.
I have to remember who he’s running against, because sometimes I forget with so many candidates that keep clinging to the podium for dear life. Here are a few tidbits from Facebook that reminded me:
Donald Trump: Republican Presidential Candidate Leads GOP Primary With 13-Point Lead, Poll Says
This is the guy who gets his pointers (like gold stars for all the Muslims!) from Hilter and Ann Coulter (otherwise known as Mrs. Satan). Who gets unnerved when a woman goes potty. Who wants to deport anyone who doesn’t have a dead gerbil for hair or somewhat white skin. Who resembles an Oompa Loompa. Who – if elected – will probably put a giant T on the White House right before half the world bombs us in self-defense.
This guy
In case you were wondering if I was exaggerating how awful he and his foreign policy ideas are, here’s another one that just popped up today:
Donald Trump: British Lawmakers Debate Banning Republican Presidential Candidate From UK
-yeah that would be our biggest ally not even wanting him in their country. He wants to ban all Muslims. They just want to ban HIM. No, they haven’t actually barred him (yet?), but the fact that they talked about it says something about us. I think they still remember when we sent Romney over there last election and they aren’t taking chances.
Ted Cruz: GOP Candidate Defends His Presidential Eligibility to Donald Trump During Debate
Is this Ted?
Or this?
Unlike Obama, who was born in the US despite many reports made up by Fox to the contrary, Cruz was born in Canada. (Thanks, Canadians!) His mom is American, though, so he was sort of naturalized, depending on how you look at it. The Washington Post actually agrees with Trump, saying that Ted can’t legally run, while some Americans just think he shouldn’t run because he has idiotic ideas and looks like Droopy Dog (this would be me). Other Americans think it is a nonissue because Canada is part of the United States. Ah, Teddy, you might ask Obama for advice on this one. Last I heard he had plastered his birth certificate on every door and window of the White House. Good luck.
Carly Fiorina: Candidate Discusses Hillary Clinton’s Marriage and Email Server Probe in Early Debate
Keep workin’ at it, Carly! Maybe you can manage a wink by election time.
Cause there is nothing like a good political “cat-fight” is there? No, Alice, this is just a political candidate who happens to be a woman saying that “Unlike some women in this campaign, I actually love spending time with my husband.” Ooooh, snap, Hillary! Is this going to be like the “Mommy War Cake Debate” we had with Hillary Clinton and one of the Bush wives (was it Laura? Barbara? I forget). I think Mrs. Bush had a special recipe from great-great- grandma prepared by servants, while Hillary chose the French manufacturer Nestle Tollhouse. In the end, they both just gorged on cake and watched Lifetime together. I might have gotten my facts mixed up, but it sounds good to me. And seriously, Carly, wait a few years. You won’t want to spend time with your husband either.
Rick Santorum: Republican Candidate Tells Viewers to Google His Name During Early GOP Debate
Forget Facebook. Google it!
No, really, he did! He asked people to compare his record to Hillary Clinton’s, because everyone knows Google is where you find all your accurate answers! You know, except junior high English teachers who recommend so-called “scholarly” sources. But here’s the fun thing – since Ricky compared gay people to something not so nice, when you Google his name, you come up with something – not so nice. The definition for the word “Santorum” is now something not to be uttered in polite company, as CNN reports. That’s right – the definition is “Trump Dump”. It’s not pretty. Santorum has been trying to change this since 2003, but the Internet has hated him for that long. Nice play there, Ricky!
Republican candidates discuss Marco Rubio’s boots, recommend pant suit to complete look.
I think Marco would be smashing in this. Or a good pair of Mom jeans.
Okay so I made up that headline. I didn’t make up the fact that yes, most of the Republican candidates have been bullying Marco* about his girly boots. Anderson Cooper reports on it here on a segment called “The Ridiculist” – clearly Anderson does not understand real news. This was on the 8th, so a little while ago, but directly relates (I don’t know how many times I can say “seriously it does”) to the next real headline.
*Polo!
http://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2016/01/09/marco-rubio-footwear-ridiculist-ac-dnt-ac.cnn
Jeb Bush: GOP Presidential Candidate’s Campaign Releases Ad Calling Donald Trump a ‘Jerk’
Yup. He did. In fact, it starts out the video!
First you see someone Googling – here we go again – Donald Trump is a jerk. Haha! Then he calls him a jerk. Then you have Trump acting like he’s having a seizure. Then there’s Jeb hugging disabled people because Trump was apparently insulting the disabled. Look, he insults EVERYBODY, including himself. Stay tuned for the next ad when he calls Rubio a “Poopyhead”. Oh wait, he already released an ad earlier with Rubio dancing in cowboy boots to Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are Made for Walking”. No – I’m serious. Again.
As Thing One says, it’s clear this campaign is purely for entertainment until the real election pops up. I agree.
Alice
aliceatwonderland 