I woke up this Election Day morning and rushed out to my living room. I’m not certain what I was expecting to find. Joe Biden tied up under my Christmas tree, wrapped in blue ribbon with a bow shoved in his mouth and a note saying “Courtesy of the Republican Party”? I dunno. I mean, it’s THE DAY, it’s finally here, the day we’ve waited for centuries, though they claim it’s just four years. Hahahahahaha. So you know, something should happen right?
But no, we have to wait. Even though there’s been record turnout for, well ANY voting, but especially for early voting – I mean there were lines for early voting guys – but some people waited for today. I know I was there first thing on early voting day not cause I’m responsible but cause I’m scared as crap and I’m not the only one. The White House just built another wall – around itself. So Trump finally got his wall. Goody for him!
If this day is like Christmas, it’s one of the worst ever. Forget about getting that awesome G.I. Joe ninja, kids. They quit making that kind of figure. But you can have his best bud, Duke, who’s you know – white and old but hey he comes with sanity AND a new girl Joe (these are rare) codename: Diversity It’sabouttime (also comes with her own brain). The set is definitely worth it if you get her, especially if you are a woman who is pissed that it’s been well over 200 years and still no woman president but WHATEVER. So it might not be the day of your dreams, but it could be worse. You could get knock-off Cobra Commander instead, only this one doesn’t wear his mask cause terrorists who want to rule the world don’t have to, and he comes with his trusted friend Destro who does wear his mask, only it just looks more like a human face this time. They come with their own ticking time bomb you can’t shut off! Yay!
I also accessed the Internet looking for election results and I got this crap! Not really, I got very tired media people who look like Frodo dragging himself to Mt. Doom. Even the comedians look like this. Speaking of Lord of the Rings, I just saw former talk show host comedian John Stewart get comforted by talk show host Stephen Colbert with words from Tolkien. These guys are both just short of total mental breakdowns. If you won’t do it for the country, do it for these poor comedians, people. Please vote – like the right way. It shouldn’t be that hard to know who to vote for at this point, but you do you.
10 a.m. central time now and believe it or not, I’ve run out of stuff for now, but I’ll be back (maybe) as results trickle in and our hope in humanity ebbs and wanes.
6 pm Central Time which means it’s 5 pm Eastern time and the polls close in some states at some time which I forget cause they are doing live stuff on youtube and it’s confusing. We just stream, no T.V. for us, so we haven’t been watching people talk all day despite having nothing to talk about yet.
9:31 P.M. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. I may be booking a stay back in the caves, guys.
11:21 P.M. I should be in bed. 205 electorals for Biden to 135 for Trump. Projected. I think. I have no idea what is going on. Neither do the reporters, but they keep going.
11:46 P.M. WTF now it’s 223 Biden, 174 Trump. I wish they would say how many electorals are left somewhere cause we all know popular vote, ya know vote by the people, is meaningless. Oh we may not know some results till Friday. How neat. I love how none of our states agree on how to do this after over 200 years.
12:10 A.M. We just flipped to 209 Trump to 205 Biden – wait this is NBC but New York Times says . . . maybe I should stick with one of them? Or none. None is good. My Things are way smarter than I am and avoiding this in their beds.
9:28 A.M. Still too close to call . . . write in votes left. Of course Trump already declared himself president hours ago. Of course. Head/desk.
5:28 P.M. Roller coaster. Biden now 6 votes away, we’re counting on . . . Nevada? Georgia, Pennsylvania, North Carolina too close. Senate too close. This year. This bloody year . . .
You are probably all wondering, “Hey, Alice, didn’t we just have these debates?” and I will answer “Yes, because this is groundhog year.” At least we have made progress in that . . . 0 candidates have dropped out, in spite of no one knowing or caring who most of these people are, and that includes, in the case of John Delaney, their own staff. Seriously, Delaney’s staff said, “Dude, drop out, you’re embarrassing us,” and Delaney was like “Naw, it’ll be fine.”
I will admit that I thought it was Bill Deblasio’s team who told him to drop out, but Thing One said it was Delaney, so yeah I couldn’t even remember which one’s team had less faith in them, but I’m gonna hazard a guess that most of their people are already tired of the free sucky campaign trail food and just want to go home, and this mess just started. I know I’m tired, and I’m not even campaigning. As far as I know.
I also goofed on the picture I posted with the last debate report by using a picture from the first debate part one instead of the first debate part two, but luckily no one else noticed that these were 10 different people either, or at least no one bothered to point it out to me. Which is why I have this little message for most of our contenders, and I will try to be gentle.
DROP OUT NOW, EVEN YOUR MOM WON’T VOTE FOR YOU, LOSER.
Okay, that out of the way, I should get to the actual debate. They mixed it up a little, putting Bernie in a different group so that he could smack someone besides Biden this time. Last night’s Jeopardy stage had Bernie “I have one volume” Sanders, Mayor Pete “Yes I’m over 18” Buttigieg, Elizabeth “Did I mention the free stuff?” Warren, Beto “Did you hear my Spanish?” O’Rourke, that self-help hippy lady, the dude whose people said drop out, and those other guys.
Since we don’t have regular cable, my Things and I struggled to find the actual live debate on Youtube, since it was littered with tons of before-game footage that no one watched of individual candidates, people talking about those candidates, and people talking about the people talking about the candidates. Our server also ran super slow from the mothers of the candidates watching the same debate cause someone had to do it. My friend Ravin sent me a wave of texts from the CNN live stream keeping me up to date while Thing Two, our computer expert, pressed buttons and shouted at Youtube. Ravin’s assessment below:
Sanders, Warren, Amy Klobachar, and bunch more white people.
Who let Marianne off the island, and why does a New Age self help guru have enough support to waste oxygen on the debate stage?
John Delaney – he’s bald but doesn’t make it look good like Booker does.
Tim Ryan: “It’s all bad.”
Hickeyloopery was unemployed for two years. So hire him for President!
Amy: I am from the Midwest!
Beto, my favorite Texas politician. He might make a good VP.
The gay mayor: Just skip Gen X and vote for a Millennial! I’m also from the Midwest and cooler than that Amy person.
Warren just said “spinelessness.”
Bernie: I know the statistics. I will punch Trump.
Please, take my employer health care!
And Warren interrupted. Congrats, first one!
Warren: Stop using Republican talking points. Here is a sad anecdote.
Amy the Streetfighter from the Iron Range.
Tim Ryan: If we set a progressive platform, the Republicans will call us socialists. If we set a moderate platform and use Republican talking points, they will call us socialists.
…Wait – that was Butiggieg.
Tim: You don’t know that Bernie.
Bernie: I do know, I wrote the damn bill!
“Thank you” from the moderator means “Shut up now.” Someone hit Amy with a clue stick!
Warren: Fight! Fight! Fight!
Boring Bald Guy: Boring is sensible. Boring is realistic. Boring can be big.
Moderator: Boring Amy, I dare you to piss off all your peers.
Boring Amy: No thank you.
Boring Bald Guy: Carbon capture.
Props to Beto for setting foot in Tucumcari.
Mayor Pete: Nominate me and Trump will look like a total jackass on the podium next to me at the debates.
Marianne: Uses the term “dark psychic energy” and still sounds like a better choice than Trump. Also adds, “40 acres and a mule for every freed slave is trillions of dollars in today’s dollars.”
Boring not bald guy: I can take a whole minute to say “Maybe.”
Gay Mayor: Quotes Bible to shame Christian conservatives in the Senate for blocking the raise in minimum wage.
Uncool Amy: Screw English majors. (I paraphrase)
News flash Elizabeth Warren: We already were the first country to use a nuclear weapon.
Ravin’s overall opinion: I officially like Pete Buttigieg best of tonight’s crowd. I think he will make it to the next level in the Game of Delegates along with Warren and Sanders. The others are doomed. Also, you should reprise your Hunger Games: Presidential Debate Edition on the blog.
Last election, I didn’t do Hunger Games, that was another thing with the Disney princess dolls – keep up, Ravin. I did have Queen Elsa run against Hans last time with a lot of the campaign done via fake Facebook chat, which seemed silly at the time but in hindsight was some sort of premonition about our first President Twitter. I don’t think I could get anymore ridiculous than what’s actually happening, but I’m certainly willing to give it the old English major try (thanks, Amy!)
Anyhoo, I liked Ravin’s summary enough to steal it and use it as my own post, but unlike Melania, I did give credit. Granted, most people could have come up with my pal’s overall assessment without the debate, but some people (cough 90 percent of the candidates) really, really need an intervention with the American public and a stun gun. Thanks to all these guys clogging the debate, whenever a candidate started to make sense, suggest an actual policy, or try to finish a sentence, the moderator told them to shut up by saying “Thank you!” Because our possible Future Leader of the Free World should be given as much time as Ms. America to solve world peace.
Stay tuned tonight for part two of part two and yeah we need to get this down to ten people AT MINIMUM cause I’m confusing myself. Tonight’s debate will feature front runner and Crest toothpaste sponsor Joe “No more Mr.
Sadface Nice Guy What Do You Mean I’m with Kamala again?” Biden, Kamala “Take a bite outta Joe” Harris, the Hispanic guy, the black bald guy, the Asian guy with the oopsie broken mike, those other two women, and the other old white guys. I’d have said more, but CNN only offered me their faces, and like I can remember that many names.
Seriously, how many of them can you name? A free sparkle pony to whoever can get five or more! Stay tuned!